I increasingly resent my in-laws!

Are you resentful that they are getting benefits or that you are not getting benefits? Or just complaining that they have a "better" life than you? There will always be people better and worse off than you, some deservedly so and some through chance.

At the end of it you'll probably have around 160k asset depending on inflation to either use in retirement if you downsize, or to leave to your children.
People in council houses will have nothing at the end of it.

OP I get the impression that you don’t necessarily want to improve your lot, instead you want what they have taken away from them.

Thats a really bitter way to be. And quite nasty. Crabs in a barrel.

With twins is it even worth Dsis working as the childcare would be astronomical. Maybe she’s working PT a year or 2, keeping her hand in so she can hit the ground running later.

There’s nothing stopping you from reducing your hours, is your income even that different?

It sounds as if your commitments and expenditure are the issue.

You sound obsessed.

@AmesandKe this is exactly why you can't have 'nice' things! Your husband is paying for his 1st set of kids it's nothing to do with the benefits system not playing fair! Wait till the step kids are older and the mortgage is clear and you will be laughing.

When you have paid off your mortgage, you will have a house that you don't have to pay rent for and which you can sell if you want to downsize, with possibly some capital left over to spend.

Those who rent will be responsible for paying rent for ever. I don't think you should begrudge them doing up their homes, especially as some of the work was done by themselves.

Why are you envious of their council property when you gave up yours?
Why are you resentful of PIL’s council property given MIL very kindly saves you a lot of money in childcare?
Why don’t you appreciate the large sum of money you were gifted to buy your own property?
Why don’t you calculate how much in childcare MIL has saved you?

You have a lot to be thankful for and you’re stewing in envy and bitterness which will only affect you.
Let it go, live your life and enjoy your life!

Why are you so obsessed by them? You can't do anything to reduce the amount of support they get, and while I can see it's galling, there's no point in wasting your energy on this!

I could be bitter in work that people far less able and far less qualified than me have been promoted to high level roles, and to some extent I still am, but I have to let it go for the sake of my own mental health. I tell myself that at least I still have my personal integrity, which others seem to lose in our organisation the minute they're appointed to a higher level role!

You need to make the best of your own life. You got out of the house in the horrible area. That's a win. You can do up the house you bought. If you want to, you can work to improve your employability. You have security of tenure unless you lose your jobs, and one day, the mortgage will be paid and you won't still be paying rent!

Your family spends almost £5,000 per year on child maintenance, which would easily pay for a nice annual holiday

So basically. You chose a partner with extra / different spending commitments.

What a lot of time to waste on envy and resentment. Please don't let this state of mind define who you are OP. Make the very best of life, home & family every day. I know much better off people than myself, but it's the ones who are dealing with real problems that make me aware of how fragile life can be.

You both need to retrain/gain extra qualifications and get better paying jobs if you want things to change.

she has twins though, far more expensive than two children one after another

Apologies, for some reason I read it as she earned 14k,

I was on less than 14k and my husband on roughly the same as this husband and we barely got anything, certainly not every month if my husband did overtime

When the kids are older you could do an apprenticeship and get paid to upskill. I’m currently doing a Level 7 Apprenticeship whilst working full time, my 4 DC are between 8-16 yo. I done a Level 3 and finished during Covid this has increased my earning power and enabled promotion. Just letting you know there is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to be prepared to do the work OP x

Agree. I also have in-laws who have just lived off benefits and seem to afford more than I can. That's today, in years to come, pensions, having the asset of owning your own home, the pride in doing all of this. I did used to feel a bit peeved they got free money, free modern house, free everything really while I worked and continue to work hard. We have a lovely home, savings, money and assets to leave to our DC, they live week to week, get into debt, that envy has gone. Xx

The pros and cons of renting v mortgage. Was just discussing this earlier and owning your own home far surpasses paying rent forever. One day the mortgage comes to an end so more 'rent' and it's a collateral and financial asset, something for your children to inherit. We worked out if we had been paying rent we would've been paying at least twice the amount of mortgage for all of these years. If you can afford the initial costs for owning then it really is a no brainer. If you're lucky enough to get rent paid for by UC I guess that's different, why would anyone move to mortgage? As we've both always worked we just expected to pay for what we have, including getting on the housing ladder. Xx

Its really hard, but you must stay focused on your own future, and stop comparing.

I say this from experience, as my husband and I worked for a relative pittance for years as public sector professionals while training. Eventually we got financial security. Despite earning reasonable salaries eventually, we never really had enough to splash out.

Then terrible things befell my children health-wise and I stopped worrying about all that nonsense.

I'm just grateful my kids and husband are alive.

I'm not telling you off by the way. I felt the same for years, I think it's natural. But life does get easier financially over the years. Enjoy your time with your little ones.

[Flowers]

Life is not fair. That being said, you have to play the hand you’re dealt. If you’re happy where you are, then live happy. If you’re not happy with what you have, figure out a way to grow and change. Do not spend energy worrying and comparing yourself to someone else. That is unproductive and a waste of your time.

I understand the envy OP. I have alot in life but find myself jealous of others - SAHM, those with little or no mortgage, people with partners who do 50% of the load etc etc. But it will destroy us. It never changes your own situation. Try and step back and see what you have. Good luck.

You have to take responsibility for your own life choices. You have chosen not to get any further qualifications, you don't want a more taxing job you've chosen to have children with a man who earns a low wage and already has two children to support. These are all choices you made so yes you have to live by them. Your kids will get older and then perhaps one of you can look into retraining etc. to better your prospects. One day you will own your own home, that's security for your children. If I was them rather than having 3 holidays a year I'd be putting the money away for the kids futures be it to pay for driving lessons, future deposit or towards uni fees or other support but everyone has their own way of thinking. Let it go.

I didn't get gifted a house deposit, I worked hard to earn mine myself making lots of sacrifices along the way. I don't have help with childcare, we used nursery and work around each other. I could be bitter about the fact that you have these things and I don't but I fail to see the point? Focus on your own family otherwise you'll end up bitter and that will sour family relations.

I feel your frustration. The system is working as designed, it's not broken. Why bother working all hours God sends and paying taxes into a system that ultimately doesn't benefit you? The usual answer I hear is "because we're a social contract society".

It's perfectly natural to want more and feel a need for justice. However, the world is not a meritocracy and these feelings of jealousy are supposed to prompt you to do more so as to get more. Instead, you're stuck in an obsessive loop over what others have and you don't. This doesn't lead to anything good.

One day you will own that house and will be able to pass it to your kids

they wont

in a few years, you can remortgage and you will be better off than now

its about the long game