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AIBU?

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Original poster

adult DSS wants to borrow money

108 replies

queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 16:31

when i met DH his children were all adults, I've never been involved in their upbringing or their care although during the early years of our relationship I helped DH financially supporting said children (a long and complicated story i shall not bore you with).

they all live away from home and have incomes either via paid jobs or benefits. His DSD (so his ex wifes child not his but he sees her and treats her as his own daughter and she calls him dad etc) is getting married at the weekend.

we receive a phone call from DSS number 1 stating that DSS number 2 (they are twins) has had a big bill, has no food and has £40 to last him until next friday and can dad lend DSS number 2 some money. (these are 30 year old adults). upon further questioning it turns out there is no big bill, DSS number 2 has simply been frivilous with his money.

we've had this alot over the years, DSS rings his dad asks for say £10. £20 upto £100 for blah blah blah, and dad just hands over the money, this causes an issue because its OUR money and i have not been consulted. if either of my 2 children asked me for money, i know my DH would be the first to ask why. (i might add that the last request was for £1000 and at the time we were told it was for rent, and when we visited we were greeted by a puppy which we jokingly said i assume this is the RENT you owed, and they laughed and said er yes).

anyway... i know i am rambling! DSS number 2 received a massive refund on some benefit or other, to the tune of about £500 a couple of weeks ago, yet now its all gone.

DH and i have had a discussion, and have agreed that DSS number 2 can borrow £50 which will need to be repaid when he gets his benefits(we dont need the money but its a principle thing) and that we will give him the cash at the wedding. (apprently he needs the money for drinks etc on the day). but I have also stated that this is the last time!

Apparently this is not good enough, the money has to be transfered into DSS number 1's bank account and he will then give it too DSS number 2?

BANK OF DAD is joint money, this lending/giving does not come from DH's bank account, it comes from the joint bank account.

obviously, we would help them financially or any other way if it was life threatening etc.. but these adults need to learn not to run to dad when they want a take away on a friday night?

AIBU in stating that BANK OF DAD is now closed! we will no longer be lending them 'the odd tenner' here and there. they have jobs or benefits, if they have not saved for this event its not really our problem!

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 19/04/2024 18:16

If they are on benefits, is there a reason they are not working? If not, I would be tired of bailing them out.

Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 18:14

5128gap · 19/04/2024 18:09

I don't think anyone should be telling anyone else that they can't give their adult child £50 if they want to. The circumstances are immaterial to an extent, the issue is about having the autonomy to help if you as the parent choose, without needing your spouse's permission. I think you and your DH should separate your spending money and each have your own so he can gift his children from his money if he chooses.

thank you... and when DH no longer has any money to gift and he then dips into the joint savings... what do i do then?

OP posts:
Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 18:12

Whateveer · 19/04/2024 18:05

I'd leave my partner to be a grown up making his own decisions, is there a reason you think he's not capable of making his own decisions?

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no you are right, i shall leave my DH be, i suppose the upside to this is, that when his kids have bled him dry financially, then it will have to stop because there's no way they will get money from me for 'pets and takeaways'

OP posts:
5128gap · 19/04/2024 18:09

I don't think anyone should be telling anyone else that they can't give their adult child £50 if they want to. The circumstances are immaterial to an extent, the issue is about having the autonomy to help if you as the parent choose, without needing your spouse's permission. I think you and your DH should separate your spending money and each have your own so he can gift his children from his money if he chooses.

Whateveer · 19/04/2024 18:05

queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 17:36

would you let your partner be taken advantage of?

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I'd leave my partner to be a grown up making his own decisions, is there a reason you think he's not capable of making his own decisions?

Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 17:58

ARichtGoodDram · 19/04/2024 17:48

That mentality would annoy me a lot. Why does it need to be serious to lend to your kids if they ever asked, but his can ask whenever and take the piss by lying?

I lend my adult kids money whenever they ask as it’s very rare and if they resort to asking me I know they need it. I also know they will pay it back. It sounds like your kids are more like mine and would only ask if they were desperate, so why does he think they should face more questions than his?

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DH is well aware that my 2 DD's have very good jobs, were always encouraged to save and have very recently inherited a substantial amount of cash when their dad passed away! even i would be asking why if they came to me for money!

OP posts:
Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 17:51

@Sweetheart7 correct.. i am just fed up of the lies and story telling! they know their dad is an easy touch for what ever reason and they take advantage of it.

to be honest i do not think there is a solution! if i leave DH too it, then they will continue to lie and deceive him to get the money.

at least if i monitor the requests, such as today, the inital request was that DSS2 had had to pay a big bill this week, had no food in the house and had £40 to live on til the end of next week.

DH took this at face value. I questioned what big bill DSS2 would have had that would have gobbled up the £500 benefit rebate he had not 2 weeks ago.

turns out there was no big bill! he has just squandered his money.. but by saying he had a big bill, Dad would feel sorry for him and give him cash no questions asked.

DSS still gets his £50, but he's also now told the truth! we have no idea why the money has to be paid into DSS1 bank account.. this will not be happening, the money will be given to DSS2 at the wedding!

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 19/04/2024 17:48

queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 17:18

i have 2 of my own children, they are also adults and they would not dream of coming to me and asking me to borrow 20 quid til tuesday! i did put this scenario too my DH, asking what he would say if they asked to borrow money, and his reply was 'i'd ask them why?, they both have jobs and they both have savings, it would need to be a pretty serious issue to give it too them?'

its not my problem his adult children are reckless with their money!

That mentality would annoy me a lot. Why does it need to be serious to lend to your kids if they ever asked, but his can ask whenever and take the piss by lying?

I lend my adult kids money whenever they ask as it’s very rare and if they resort to asking me I know they need it. I also know they will pay it back. It sounds like your kids are more like mine and would only ask if they were desperate, so why does he think they should face more questions than his?

Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 17:36

Whateveer · 19/04/2024 17:27

Yeah just step back and leave him to do what he wants with his own money. Would you let him tell you you're not allowed to lend to your child?

would you let your partner be taken advantage of?

OP posts:
Sweetheart7 · 19/04/2024 17:31

@BrokenWing OP isn't controlling. Up until now she has floated along with DH. She's entitled to point out enough is enough that isn't controlling. It doesn't mean (in your words) that OP doesn't like her DH kids personalities nor her DH. What an odd take on things!

Whateveer · 19/04/2024 17:27

Yeah just step back and leave him to do what he wants with his own money. Would you let him tell you you're not allowed to lend to your child?

BrokenWing · 19/04/2024 17:19

Sweetheart7 · 19/04/2024 17:08

@BrokenWing let's be fair now! Don't project and run away with your own narrative. His kids are adults you seem to have missed the point. Why are they constantly borrowing money? They are adults indeed!

Just because that maybe the dynamics you have with your own parents... it doesn't make it correct.

I am not projecting anything from my own parents, not sure where you see that. If anything, with my own money and my own dc I would be aligned with the OP and similar to my own parents as they taught me fierce financial independence.

But that is not what we are talking about. We are talking about if the OP has the right to exert control her dh's financial decisions with his own money and his own children. You marry someone with a family you need to accept they might sometimes make decisions with their family/children you do not always agree with.

Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 17:18

i have 2 of my own children, they are also adults and they would not dream of coming to me and asking me to borrow 20 quid til tuesday! i did put this scenario too my DH, asking what he would say if they asked to borrow money, and his reply was 'i'd ask them why?, they both have jobs and they both have savings, it would need to be a pretty serious issue to give it too them?'

its not my problem his adult children are reckless with their money!

OP posts:
Sweetheart7 · 19/04/2024 17:08

@BrokenWing let's be fair now! Don't project and run away with your own narrative. His kids are adults you seem to have missed the point. Why are they constantly borrowing money? They are adults indeed!

Just because that maybe the dynamics you have with your own parents... it doesn't make it correct.

Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 17:05

Whateveer · 19/04/2024 16:54

If his Dad wants to lend him money he's quite within his rights to. I wouldn't have someone tell me that I couldn't lend my DD a tenner. For whatever reason. Shared money is still part yours part his.

we are not talking just a tenner though, over the years we are talking thousands of pounds.

BUT

perhaps i do need to step back from it... and as long as its from HIS money and not OUR savings or JOINT/housekeeping account then i should leave him too it.

I'm still allowed to be annoyed that they will ask, i know that they will get the money and i know that the reasons given will be bullshit.. and they know that their asking will cause an arguement between me and my DH.

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 19/04/2024 17:02

Sweetheart7 · 19/04/2024 16:58

I think its more than a tenner here and there though. His step kids are taking absolute liberties as a partner I think OP has every right to be fed up of this.

I've never ever asked my mother to borrow money and I don't have a fancy job either.

Show quote history

If OP is fed up with it her issue is with her partners personality not his children (who are not her step children, she met him when they were adults)

If she doesn't like his personality, taking away is own decision making and controlling him when it comes to his own children is not the solution.

For what its worth I have never asked my parents for a penny either since I left home and if I did they would have told me I need to budget better. It doesn't mean I get to control how others choose to parent their children (adult or otherwise).

Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 17:00

BrokenWing · 19/04/2024 16:55

we would discuss it between us and give/lend it together!

How does that work though? dh would only discuss with you if he wants to lend the money. If you say no what happens? It essentially means you get to decide and dh is left needing to persuade you otherwise.

If he doesn't need to persuade you if he wants to lend the money, then he doesn't need to discuss, just inform.

I wouldn't let anyone take from me the decision to help my dc, from my own money, when I choose.

but i felt that DH was being taken advantage of

that is his choice, he is also an adult.

Edited

i see what you mean.. by discuss give/lend for example, a new baby arrived, so we discussed how much we wanted to give to mum and dad, for the up coming wedding we discussed how much we wanted to give to the bridge an groom.

i know full well that if DSS asks for money, he will get it! the discussing is more about trying to make my DH more aware of the wool being pulled over his eyes.

OP posts:
Sweetheart7 · 19/04/2024 16:58

Whateveer · 19/04/2024 16:54

If his Dad wants to lend him money he's quite within his rights to. I wouldn't have someone tell me that I couldn't lend my DD a tenner. For whatever reason. Shared money is still part yours part his.

I think its more than a tenner here and there though. His step kids are taking absolute liberties as a partner I think OP has every right to be fed up of this.

I've never ever asked my mother to borrow money and I don't have a fancy job either.

BrokenWing · 19/04/2024 16:55

we would discuss it between us and give/lend it together!

How does that work though? dh would only discuss with you if he wants to lend the money. If you say no what happens? It essentially means you get to decide and dh is left needing to persuade you otherwise.

If he doesn't need to persuade you if he wants to lend the money, then he doesn't need to discuss, just inform.

I wouldn't let anyone take from me the decision to help my dc, from my own money, when I choose.

but i felt that DH was being taken advantage of

that is his choice, he is also an adult.

Whateveer · 19/04/2024 16:54

If his Dad wants to lend him money he's quite within his rights to. I wouldn't have someone tell me that I couldn't lend my DD a tenner. For whatever reason. Shared money is still part yours part his.

Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 16:47

the grand was finally re-paid yes. I do suspect that DSS 1 is at the root of this most recent request as he has been mentioning lately, he's suspended from work, they have a new baby and money is very tight for them.

DH takes whatever they say at face value, and yes he does carry lots of guilt about their upbringing (but thats a whole massive jeremy kyle episode).

We do have separate bank accounts, and previously DH just gave them what they asked for no questions asked, but i felt that DH was being taken advantage of especially after the 'rent' issue, so we agreed if any requests for money came again, we would discuss it between us and give/lend it together!

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 19/04/2024 16:45

Have they ever repaid any money, if no, then I would only lend small amounts, knowing you aren’t going to see it again. Unfortunately though, you aren’t teaching them how to manage their money by keep lending.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/04/2024 16:42

Separate your finances, it’s the only sensible thing when you have children who aren’t shared. If they were your DC I expect you’d want to support then so it’s understandable DH does. You can have a joint account for bills and joint spending and separate accounts with a fair share of what’s leftover for each of you. If DH then wants to help his DC with some of his, that’s up to him.

RM2013 · 19/04/2024 16:41

They are adults that need to make better financial decisions. We’ve had a similar issue with DSS who is in his 30’s. He recently asked his Dad to lend him money ( we aren’t wealthy nor do we have lots of spare cash) and then booked a trip to Disney amongst other things.
its up to you DP if he wants to help out but it’s not fair to expect to pay from joint finances

Weighnow · 19/04/2024 16:40

My adult children woukd need to be in dire straights before they asked me, as I would of my parents, although I can't imagine saying no.

However, I have noticed that my divorced male friends get asked a lot and never say no. Is this something to do with the guilt/blame they carry over the break up.

Anyway. Re the spending money for the wedding, I'd say £50 on the say takenitnor leave it. Any future requests will o by be considered for desperate situations and will be paid direct to the landlord/on a Tesco shop.

I don't think you can say never again and mean it because no parent is going to see their child on the street or hungry.