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Original poster

adult DSS wants to borrow money

108 replies

queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 16:31

when i met DH his children were all adults, I've never been involved in their upbringing or their care although during the early years of our relationship I helped DH financially supporting said children (a long and complicated story i shall not bore you with).

they all live away from home and have incomes either via paid jobs or benefits. His DSD (so his ex wifes child not his but he sees her and treats her as his own daughter and she calls him dad etc) is getting married at the weekend.

we receive a phone call from DSS number 1 stating that DSS number 2 (they are twins) has had a big bill, has no food and has £40 to last him until next friday and can dad lend DSS number 2 some money. (these are 30 year old adults). upon further questioning it turns out there is no big bill, DSS number 2 has simply been frivilous with his money.

we've had this alot over the years, DSS rings his dad asks for say £10. £20 upto £100 for blah blah blah, and dad just hands over the money, this causes an issue because its OUR money and i have not been consulted. if either of my 2 children asked me for money, i know my DH would be the first to ask why. (i might add that the last request was for £1000 and at the time we were told it was for rent, and when we visited we were greeted by a puppy which we jokingly said i assume this is the RENT you owed, and they laughed and said er yes).

anyway... i know i am rambling! DSS number 2 received a massive refund on some benefit or other, to the tune of about £500 a couple of weeks ago, yet now its all gone.

DH and i have had a discussion, and have agreed that DSS number 2 can borrow £50 which will need to be repaid when he gets his benefits(we dont need the money but its a principle thing) and that we will give him the cash at the wedding. (apprently he needs the money for drinks etc on the day). but I have also stated that this is the last time!

Apparently this is not good enough, the money has to be transfered into DSS number 1's bank account and he will then give it too DSS number 2?

BANK OF DAD is joint money, this lending/giving does not come from DH's bank account, it comes from the joint bank account.

obviously, we would help them financially or any other way if it was life threatening etc.. but these adults need to learn not to run to dad when they want a take away on a friday night?

AIBU in stating that BANK OF DAD is now closed! we will no longer be lending them 'the odd tenner' here and there. they have jobs or benefits, if they have not saved for this event its not really our problem!

OP posts:
Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 21:54

IMustDoMoreExercise · 19/04/2024 21:41

I'm confused @queenofcruises . Do his kids always pay the money back? If so, what is the problem, except for the hassle?

unknown! i never see any repayments go through the joing account. husband says they do, but i never see it.

its not the money thats an issue, its the lies behind the need for the money! like we need money for the rent, and then a puppy shows up!

i have learned, and am taking away from this threat that i will do 2 things. 1) hubby has been told that the ball is back in his court, if he wants to lend/give them money thats upto him, but he is not to use our joint account or our joint savings to do so.. the only time he can use the joint monies is after consultation with me. so he doesnt even need to tell me about it if he chooses not too, that way i wont get all stressed and angry and 2) if hubby does tell me about any future requests, and its for eg: a council tax bill, i will need to see that bill and if we agree to give/lend the money, it will be paid directly too the bill provider and not given to them and then they 'pay' it.

OP posts:
VJBR · 19/04/2024 21:44

is their mother on the scene? Maybe she could put her hand in her pocket.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 19/04/2024 21:41

I'm confused @queenofcruises . Do his kids always pay the money back? If so, what is the problem, except for the hassle?

Luxell934 · 19/04/2024 21:18

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/04/2024 16:42

Separate your finances, it’s the only sensible thing when you have children who aren’t shared. If they were your DC I expect you’d want to support then so it’s understandable DH does. You can have a joint account for bills and joint spending and separate accounts with a fair share of what’s leftover for each of you. If DH then wants to help his DC with some of his, that’s up to him.

This.

Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 21:13

TargetPractice11 · 19/04/2024 20:42

How does DSS being unable to have a drink at his sisters wedding spoil it for her?

She won't even notice if her brother is drinking water.

That's what happens- if you don't work, if you waste your benefits then you don't have SPARE money for non essentials like alcohol and puppies.

You'll be at the wedding anyway, so why transfer £50 now? If you're feeling generous, buy him a Prosecco for the toast on the night but don't give him cash.

I'd be asking to see 'bills' in the future as well. If there is a 'bill' then they can email it to your DH and he'll pay it directly.

if i had my say he wouldn't get any money at all... not being able to buy at drink at his sisters wedding very much seems a him problem to me. i would assume, the fact that it has been asked for now and not on the day is because there was a need NOW, so probably a forgotten night out. We do know that DSS1 and his partner have a 30th birthday party to attend this evening, so i'm guessing the money was for that as they will hover around their dad all day at the wedding anyway expecting drinks to be bought for them. (usually when dad is required to buy drinks at an occasion, they turn up and annouce they are skint and then hang about dad all day, making it impossibe for dad not to buy a drink!)

OP posts:
Toffifee1 · 19/04/2024 21:00

Exsctly.. to breed and sell puppies you need to first pay for vaccinations and check ups..

the puppy thing infuriates me more than the too lazy to work part. Not helpful sorry.

i also fail to understand why DSD wouldn‘t enjoy her wedding if her brother doesn’t have „spending money“ for alcohol?

Surely your DH must see that this is another BS excuse to borrow money, let alone the other twins involvement.

Deep down though, it‘s kind of nice that your DH problem is him being too nice, isn‘t it? He‘s a keeper, not a „you should leave him“ vote.

BlowDryRat · 19/04/2024 20:58

YANBU. My parents have gave me money to help out over the years, which has been enormously appreciated. Among other things, it helped me feed myself when living with a financially abusive husband. I'll happily help out my adult DC as needed. Learning to budget, save and work hard is a great thing but I think there's a balance between that and letting them genuinely struggle with affording the basics.

It doesn't sound like your DSS x 2 are actually struggling. One asking for the other is childish, demanding money NOW when offered in cash, without any info as to why, is ungrateful and lying so they could get £1k to spend on a puppy (which presumably they can't afford to keep) underlines that they're absolutely taking the P.

TargetPractice11 · 19/04/2024 20:47

@queenofcruises oh that makes me mad. That poor dog.

How are they planning to pay for the vet bills for this litter of puppies?

I'd be ripping my hair out as well. Feckless idiots.

Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 20:43

Dacadactyl · 19/04/2024 20:37

Sadly they're all going to food banks and then requesting pet food too. Total lack of responsibility.

Show quote history

ah yes but the dog cost £1000, they are going to let her have a litter... so the dog will basically pay for itself!!

yeah right! these are adults making adult choices... if we had known the money was for a dog, there is no way on this green earth we would have given them the money, but the sad fact is, the dog is here now

OP posts:
TargetPractice11 · 19/04/2024 20:42

How does DSS being unable to have a drink at his sisters wedding spoil it for her?

She won't even notice if her brother is drinking water.

That's what happens- if you don't work, if you waste your benefits then you don't have SPARE money for non essentials like alcohol and puppies.

You'll be at the wedding anyway, so why transfer £50 now? If you're feeling generous, buy him a Prosecco for the toast on the night but don't give him cash.

I'd be asking to see 'bills' in the future as well. If there is a 'bill' then they can email it to your DH and he'll pay it directly.

Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 20:42

TargetPractice11 · 19/04/2024 20:36

Not the point of the thread, but it really bothers me when people like this take on a pet.

If you are absolutely skint and often foraging for £10 loans - then you have no business taking on a puppy who will need food and expensive veterinary care.

OP, you're getting a hard time here. Their behaviour would annoy anyone.

Does DH have a genuine reason to feel this guilty? Was he a bad father to them when they were young?

there are reasons.. i wont go into them, and no he was not a bad or absent dad, he brought 3 boys up singlehandedly on his own when the twins were 1.

and i dont see it as a hard time, a lot of the comments are helpful and i ignore they downright silly ones anyway.

its helping me work through some stuff, cos all me and DH are doing is arguing about it all. so this is actually helping me deal with my stuff and hopefully someone will come online and offer a solution to the whole situation

although that will probably someone saying 'leave him' 😂

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 19/04/2024 20:37

TargetPractice11 · 19/04/2024 20:36

Not the point of the thread, but it really bothers me when people like this take on a pet.

If you are absolutely skint and often foraging for £10 loans - then you have no business taking on a puppy who will need food and expensive veterinary care.

OP, you're getting a hard time here. Their behaviour would annoy anyone.

Does DH have a genuine reason to feel this guilty? Was he a bad father to them when they were young?

Sadly they're all going to food banks and then requesting pet food too. Total lack of responsibility.

TargetPractice11 · 19/04/2024 20:36

Not the point of the thread, but it really bothers me when people like this take on a pet.

If you are absolutely skint and often foraging for £10 loans - then you have no business taking on a puppy who will need food and expensive veterinary care.

OP, you're getting a hard time here. Their behaviour would annoy anyone.

Does DH have a genuine reason to feel this guilty? Was he a bad father to them when they were young?

Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 20:21

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 19/04/2024 20:18

@queenofcruises If I was you, i really would be asking dss2 why his twin brother controls his money!!!

We have asked many times.. unfortunately they are both adults (30 this year) and they are both 'mentally' able if that makes sense. i assume the twins aspect comes into it, they are pretty inseperable.. ive considered an anon report too someone, although i dont know who? As they are adults we are not in a position to simply demand to know

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 19/04/2024 20:18

@queenofcruises If I was you, i really would be asking dss2 why his twin brother controls his money!!!

Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 20:15

pikkumyy77 · 19/04/2024 20:09

You step sons like to lie, and your dh likes to be lied to. That is the long and the short of it. Lying is easier than 1) not asking for money and being independent and 2) leads to less discomfort than the truth “Im a spendthrift wastrel”

Your DH can’t face the reality that his sons are improvident spongers snd that he has zero moral suasion over them. So he prefers the lies so he can keep giving the money snd rescuing them rather than holding the line and feeling like he is persecuting them.

I don’t think its safe to leave him alone with the out of control gifting because they will drain him dry and he will come to you to be bailed out.

Separate finances and start a “mad money” fund that he can use to waste on them. But make it clear that he needs to keep a public record of the money that goes out to them. If they pay it back it can go back into his fund. If they don’t he has less money for himself snd his hobbies. Your joint expenses must not be touched and thst includes joint money for birthdays, holidays, mortgage, treats.

Otherwise your frugality will merely subsidize his profligacy.

this actually brought a tear to my eye. My DH is a good man. Their life before me was very different. My DH has an excellent work ethic, and will help anyone in a crisis. His kids are his achielles heal! probably because of their childhood, and probably his, he simply cannot say no to them. he even knows that they are lying to him, and i will be blue in the face angry, yet he refuses to deal with it!

it is not relationship ending... its come close a few times, but its really not, but it is difficult to deal with especially as my own childred are at the other end of the spectrum, they are well educated (their choice), they worked jobs from 15 years old, they saved and still save, thave have good jobs, drive nice cars etc and non of it financed by me!

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 19/04/2024 20:15

Also: having just read your description of the two boys, your dh is allowing a very abusive situation to develop between DS1 and 2. DS1 sound like he is, basically, a charming sociopath who has lost his job because he did something wrong and is pilfering from his brother and you to keep his household afloat. This is sn untenable situation as your dh does not have enough money to support both boys long term. DS1 will resort to other easy marks eventually but this will not end well.

BruFord · 19/04/2024 20:14

I agree that you should stop “lending” (although it’s mainly giving) them any money out of your joint account.

Going forward, your DH can give his children money from his personal account. Obviously it’s his decision to make, but I’d warn him that he could find himself in financial difficulties if he drains his savings to prop them up. Ask him what he’ll do if his money starts running out.

Most of us would try to give our adult children money if they needed it, but we can’t impoverish ourselves doing it. That makes no sense!

pikkumyy77 · 19/04/2024 20:09

You step sons like to lie, and your dh likes to be lied to. That is the long and the short of it. Lying is easier than 1) not asking for money and being independent and 2) leads to less discomfort than the truth “Im a spendthrift wastrel”

Your DH can’t face the reality that his sons are improvident spongers snd that he has zero moral suasion over them. So he prefers the lies so he can keep giving the money snd rescuing them rather than holding the line and feeling like he is persecuting them.

I don’t think its safe to leave him alone with the out of control gifting because they will drain him dry and he will come to you to be bailed out.

Separate finances and start a “mad money” fund that he can use to waste on them. But make it clear that he needs to keep a public record of the money that goes out to them. If they pay it back it can go back into his fund. If they don’t he has less money for himself snd his hobbies. Your joint expenses must not be touched and thst includes joint money for birthdays, holidays, mortgage, treats.

Otherwise your frugality will merely subsidize his profligacy.

Kissatem · 19/04/2024 20:09

OP YANBU! If you love someone you don't let them be taken advantage of even if the wasters are their own children.

If they really need to well they can sell the puppy. Don't give them any more.

Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 20:08

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 19/04/2024 20:01

@queenofcruises pretty sure DSS are both thinking that a fool and his money are soon parted!!! your partner needs to get a grip of this. why is dss2 not asking himself? is it a case of dss1 actually needing a sub??

DSS1 and 2 are twin brothers... for whatever reason and i cannot answer, DSS1 has control of DSS2's finances. DSS1 works but is currently suspended and they have just had a new baby. DSS2 does not work and lives on benefits.

We have suspected for a long time the DSS1 is misbehaving with DSS2's money but whenever we have asked the question, DSS2 has been happy with the arrangement.

i personally suspect DSS1 actually wants the money hence the request for it to be paid to DSS1 and that he would give it to DSS2.

DSS2 will receive cash at the weekend

OP posts:
Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 20:05

caringcarer · 19/04/2024 19:50

I'm confused. If you have separate bank accounts why are you paying half? Make DH pay it from his own bank account.

Show quote history

you do not need to be confused... we HAVE seperate bank accounts... initally it was paid from DH's account, but as these requests for money were happening at one point on an almost weekly basis, we had a conversation about this and we agreed that it would be a joint decision, hopefully on my part to put a stop to these demands and therefore the money came out of the JOINT account. if it was for a large sum i.e the £1000, then that came out of JOINT savings.

it would appear throughout the day by posts that this was a bad idea, and that i should stop financing these demands and make DH use his own money again.

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 19/04/2024 20:01

@queenofcruises pretty sure DSS are both thinking that a fool and his money are soon parted!!! your partner needs to get a grip of this. why is dss2 not asking himself? is it a case of dss1 actually needing a sub??

Original poster
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 20:00

caringcarer · 19/04/2024 19:56

I'm just lending my youngest DS £8900 for a car. His car engine blew up. The first thing he did was to set up a direct debit to repay me £400 pcm. I have occasionally let him borrow money over the years but only for essentials eg his car failed it's MOT and he needs it to get to work. He has always repaid me as quickly as he can. I also let my elder son borrow money when his gf's cat needed expensive vet treatment and she didn't have enough to pay for it. She pays him back each month and he pays it across to me. She doesn't know I let my DS borrow the money because she'd be embarrassed. It's almost repaid now. I would not be happy if my DH tried to stop me helping out my DC. I pay from my own bank account not the joint.

those are slightly different circumstances? infact very different circumstances.. you did not lend your youngest £1000 to clear a rent debt only to find they had spent it on a dog? it is unclear at this point if there ever was a rent debt? or if it was made up purely to get the money for the dog?

have you had requests for a tenner on a friday night for a 'bus pass to get to a job interview' only to find out the following day there was no buss pass and no job interview but a decent takeaway tea?

or £100 for whatever reason only to find out it was actually to pay for a new tattoo?

the list is endless

OP posts:
caringcarer · 19/04/2024 19:56

I'm just lending my youngest DS £8900 for a car. His car engine blew up. The first thing he did was to set up a direct debit to repay me £400 pcm. I have occasionally let him borrow money over the years but only for essentials eg his car failed it's MOT and he needs it to get to work. He has always repaid me as quickly as he can. I also let my elder son borrow money when his gf's cat needed expensive vet treatment and she didn't have enough to pay for it. She pays him back each month and he pays it across to me. She doesn't know I let my DS borrow the money because she'd be embarrassed. It's almost repaid now. I would not be happy if my DH tried to stop me helping out my DC. I pay from my own bank account not the joint.