adult DSS wants to borrow money

I think there a couple of options for you here, OP.

If you continue to lend them money jointly you could attach T&Cs to each loan, specifying exactly how and when the amount is paid back, and any default, for any reason, means they will never be loaned a penny again. This works well with my adults DCs who are both working students and often have cashflow issues. But I guess with mine that since this has been in place from the start it has always been The Law so there has been no kickback like you might get from your DSSs at such a change. Also your DH might not be on board with this.

Alternatively, you do what other PPs have suggested and have your DH lend them money from his own account. You'd first have to make it pretty clear to him though that when they have thoroughly rinsed him and he is broke, he can't come to you for money as the whole point of separating the loans is to prevent them rinsing you both out. Perhaps if he does reach the point where he has no money left, he might actually reflect on how he got there and who has all his money now.

Ultimately a sensible parent would not give handouts, but adults are entitled to make stupid decisions. It's his money, if it ever became joint money you are entitled to refuse, but until then, you can talk to him but can't force him to do differently.

Besides which my point was obviously that he should spend his own money on handouts to his kids, not a shared pot, so not sure what you’re getting snarky with me for!

I read your OP, I think that’s enough! Or are we being paid to be here and no one told me. FS 😂😂

Its not a battle. Your DH likes to keep the boys childishly dependent on handouts. He pretends to object but clearly prefers it. He needs some help realizing he doesn’t have to always rescue them. But he likes the role and when you intervene you get cast as the persecutor in their little drama triangle.

@AcheyBalzac yes I think that is the expectation if you’re going to give advice or comment, it’s best to know what you're commenting on. Otherwise its just guess work surely

Sorry are you a celebrity, should I know you? Or do you think everyone’s going to read 4 pages of comments and several mini essays from you before responding

@Harvestfestivalknickers Ha, can you imagine their reactions?! “Whaat, you haven’t got any money, why not? Who’s going to lend give us money now?”

The best way to deal with these requests for money is to turn the tables and see how they react, ' DSS1, your father and I have had a large bill this month we weren't expecting, it's going to be difficult for us to find the money, can you lend us x?'

Everytime he gives a tenner, 20 quid etc to his children, then tell him you take the same amount to give your children. Why should your children be penalised for being responsible and not wasting cash they don't have to buy pets, fund nights out etc and pretending they want the money for rent?

Open an account in joint names you and your two adult kids and deposit the equivalent cash to what he gives his kids. It will turn to 1000s of pounds soon enough and is there for you / or at least accessible for your children. Don't tell him about the account, just tell him the cash given to the kids.

Also consider your will and share of assets to be written to your kids - your husband will otherwise spend all the money assets on his feckless offspring.

Wishing you all the best x

Wow re the dog. I agree the joint account is closed. It sounds like dss1’s job is seriously at risk too if he’s suspended, could your dh be more practically helpful with job hunting? Is dds2 not capable of working?

I thought you had to be a registered dog breeder to sell puppies.

Isn't he ashamed of not working, the government should stop handing money to healthy adults who refuse to work. If I was his parent I would be shouting, you want money then get a job, and refuse to have anymore to do with it.

Does your husband not have any money of his own?

You're not 'letting' him be taken advantage of - he's an adult who can decide for himself if he wants to give money to his adult children or not. As long as it's not your money, it's not your business!

While I've no issue with helping out your kids - lord knows my parents helped me out sometimes and I help out my children in turn - it's the sheer entitledness of this pair that would bug me. A thousand fucking pounds for a dog - are they completely mad? The not working would bug the shit out of me too. He needs to get off his lazy arse and work for a living.

What is going to happen if the suspended one with the new baby loses his job? Is your DH going to be expected to bail him out long-term? He needs to be looking for another job PDQ, before he potentially has a sacking on his record.

If he raised them alone then it's sort of doubly on him.

Part of raising children is teaching them to be independent and how to manage without you.

Your DSS have been deprived of a basic life skill. What will they do when your DH runs out of money, or dies, or is fed up with them? They haven't learned how to manage their money.

Tell DH not to take any money for the kids out of the joint account or you're closing the account. If he does it again, close the account. Reorder your bills to work with separate accounts.

His kids are being utterly infantilised by this financial dependence and not helped at all by his enabling of their self infantilisation.

But that's his choice.