Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if I’m being mean to asking the au pair to join us for a dinner party?

95 replies

EastEndQueen · 19/04/2024 16:17

We have a (relatively, for the last 5 weeks) new au pair living with us and for the first time since her arrival I’m having a dinner party on Saturday. AIBU to hint politely that I would prefer her not to come?

For context, we share many many evening meals both family meals with the DC and just the three of us, taking turns to cook and sharing weekend Deliveroo treat meals etc. We have had the odd person (mainly relatives) over in the last 5 weeks and she has joined us for meals then. We don’t eat all our meals together but that’s usually because she or we go out or I say ‘it’s date night’ relatively firmly.

Dinner party feels different because - it’s a group of old friends who rarely get together (small DC, busy diaries, work, babysitters etc). I love, really love, letting my hair down over a massive boozy dinner, gossip, inappropriate jokes etc, all of which I would prefer not to do with someone who I am essentially managing. It’s also that whilst she is a lovely person, she is also quite young (24 but quite a young 24 if you know what I mean?) doesn’t pick up brilliantly on social cues, can be very worthy etc.

What do you think? Am I being mean?

Just to avoid the inevitable questions, she is all above board, recruited from a reputable agency, paid in line with NMW legislation, has clear working hours and time off and is here on a appropriate visa from a commonwealth country. Speaks fluent English and has friends and family in our city. We give her a prepaid debit card for her expenses including meals not taken with us so she wouldn’t be out of pocket in any way - it’s more a social question.

YABU- invite her!
YANBU- you are allowed a night off

i know it would be easier to go out to dinner but money is tighter for everyone and it’s easier to be at people’s houses…

OP posts:
DrJoanAllenby · 19/04/2024 18:27

We're having friends over on x night so you have the night off to go out that evening or arrange a take away for yourself .

JMSA · 19/04/2024 18:27

Totally fine not to invite her.

MidnightMeltdown · 19/04/2024 18:23

LauderSyme · 19/04/2024 16:37

"You sound like a great "madame", @EastEndQueen, and of course you're entitled to your own evenings!"

😳 Madame means something entirely different where I'm from... Young women don't work as au pairs for madames.

🤣🤣🤣

SevenSeasOfRhye · 19/04/2024 18:22

@CRbear 's approach is good. If. your au pair struggles with social cues, you need to be direct, but pleasant.

I don't see an issue with wanting privacy or this conflicting with the principle of treating the au pair as family - you wouldn't necessarily want a 24 year old family member to join a dinner party with a group of old friends letting their hair down. Anyone not of that friendship group would spoil the dynamic as you'd have to keep explaining things to them, references to shared history.

Ponderingwindow · 19/04/2024 18:18

it would be perfectly normal to tell your 17yo or university student to do something else while you have friends over for dinner, either to go out or to order a pizza and hang out elsewhere in the house. Same for an au pair. They don’t really want to spend the evening with you anyway.

you can finance the pizza if you want to be generous.

definitely be direct about it.

DancinOnTheCeiling · 19/04/2024 18:15

Please tell her directly, not by dropping a hint as she doesn't seem to get hints. You said she is poor at understanding social cues, and she sat at the table drinking tea when you said "I'm having dinner with DH tonight" - she clearly didn't understand the implication you meant without her 🙈. So you need to be direct. I know it's hard though, I'd find it hard too with someone who seems sensitive..

LauderSyme · 19/04/2024 18:10

I am afraid I am not in a position to employ an au pair but I think "my lady" is fabulous 😁

Garlicked · 19/04/2024 17:32

LauderSyme · 19/04/2024 16:37

"You sound like a great "madame", @EastEndQueen, and of course you're entitled to your own evenings!"

😳 Madame means something entirely different where I'm from... Young women don't work as au pairs for madames.

Haha, yes 😂 As you can tell, I was an au pair in France! No idea of the English equivalent - "my lady" sounds a bit much. How do au pairs in England refer to the heads of their adopted family?

Original poster
EastEndQueen · 19/04/2024 17:26

Havanananana · 19/04/2024 17:19

"This is your home. she is your employee."

AN au pair is not an "employee" - Employing someone to work in your home: Au pairs - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

That the OP would rather not have the au pair attend the dinner party is fine - as an adult who claims to be experienced in managing people it should be easy for her to explain this - but if the attitude is that the au pair is an employee and that the relationship in the house is that of employer/employee, then maybe this is why the OP is having difficulty finding the right words.

Yes thank you, it’s exactly this. It’s not a neat employee/ employer situation which is why I’m trying to get it right.

No intention of asking her to leave the house! And of course it would be fine for her to come in and out of the kitchen to get things.

The children eat earlier yes, they are quite young.

Agree with the ickness of the ‘date night’ phrase but it’s the only way I’ve managed to get though when I want us to have dinner alone. When she started I said ‘I’m just going to have dinner with DH tonight’ and then she would eat her own dinner earlier but come and sit with us at the table and drink tea whilst we ate and talked to us. Which stressed me out as we get very very little time alone.

OP posts:
CRbear · 19/04/2024 17:25

“We’re having friends for dinner on Friday, are you okay to do a frozen pizza/order a takeaway/go out?”

i think you’ve over thought this one!

Havanananana · 19/04/2024 17:19

"This is your home. she is your employee."

AN au pair is not an "employee" - Employing someone to work in your home: Au pairs - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

That the OP would rather not have the au pair attend the dinner party is fine - as an adult who claims to be experienced in managing people it should be easy for her to explain this - but if the attitude is that the au pair is an employee and that the relationship in the house is that of employer/employee, then maybe this is why the OP is having difficulty finding the right words.

Employing someone to work in your home

The employment status of au pairs, nannies, carers, personal assistants and other people who work in your home - how to tell if they're an employee or not, what happens with the National Minimum Wage, tax and National Insurance, what happens if you get...

https://www.gov.uk/au-pairs-employment-law/au-pairs

PineappleTime · 19/04/2024 17:19

Stompythedinosaur · 19/04/2024 16:58

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. She is working for you in the context of being treated as part of the family, that's an essential part of what being an au pair is. So it isn't that reasonable to insist she has to make herself scarce in the family home.

That said, I assume she'd probably hate being there, so a conversation to explore what she'd prefer is totally reasonable.

Yes but an au pair is closer to a teenage or adult child than a peer and I wouldn't expect any couple to invite their young adult offspring to a dinner party with their friends. Well maybe some would but it would be unusual.

ChimneyPot · 19/04/2024 17:18

Are you feeding the children separately that night? If so just say you are having friends over so she can eat with the children or do her own thing.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 19/04/2024 17:17

Maybe give her some money to go to the cinema & a meal out that night, however YANBU.

NeedToChangeName · 19/04/2024 17:14

AIBU to hint politely that I would prefer her not to come?

Don't hint politely. Be very clear. So much is lost in translation. If you suggest she might prefer to go out, she might say "oh I'd love to meet your friends"

SleepingStandingUp · 19/04/2024 17:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

She's more than that though. This is also the au pairs home.not her house but it is her home. And the au pair isn't on the clock 24/7. So it isn't about telling her to go and do her job elsewhere, it's about telling her she isn't allowed in areas of her home for a certain time. Which op is absolutely reasonable to do, but it is more complicated than "I'm the boss, do as you're told".

Op just be clear you're having couples over for dinner and she isn't needed for childcare so kitchen and X rooms are no go zones between X and X. What I don't think you can do is demand she leaves the house until you decide you're finished

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 19/04/2024 17:10

Onetiredbeing · 19/04/2024 17:09

This. Don't blur the lines.

Show quote history

“Au pair” is not quite the same as a live-in nanny. The expectation is that they are treated as one of the family- it’s French for “on the same level”.

crockofshite · 19/04/2024 17:10

Totally appropiate for you to entertain your friends without your au pair present. Presumably your children will be in bed when guests arrive.

Give her the night off, hopefully she'll find something else to do.

If she wants to stay home let her know you're busy with friends that night and she can eat with the children if she's not going out.

Onetiredbeing · 19/04/2024 17:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

This. Don't blur the lines.

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 19/04/2024 17:09

I was an au pair, about a million years ago, I loved it when I didn’t have to eat with the parents. Who were lovely, but it was like extra language lessons every night and tiring.

Totally fine not to invite to a dinner party, I would never have expected that.

But stop with saying “date night” that is icky, if she lives in your main house she’ll have her earplugs at the ready to drown out the creaking bed springs. Just say you’ll be eating on your own on those days. As long as the overall balance is that you eat with her more often than without her, that is fine for the au pair arrangement.

Maddy70 · 19/04/2024 17:05

We are having friends for dinner tonight. We would like this to be private so have the night off and do your own thing. See you at breakfast tomorrow

TinyYellow · 19/04/2024 17:04

It seems really mean to ask her to go out for the night or to confine herself to her room. You could offer to pay for her to take a friend out for dinner if you want her out of the way, but you can’t ask her to do something that won’t be very nice for her.

Original poster
EastEndQueen · 19/04/2024 17:01

Thank you everyone who has responded so far. This is all quite new to me (I manage people at work but it’s a bit different when they are sleeping in your house and the whole ‘part of the family’) thing.

I actually started out saying that would only have one meal together a week but she seemed quite sad about that and asked if we could have dinner together more so we’ve slipped into doing that more often than not. Hence my anxiety that she will be hurt about this. She always eats with us at her instigation and has lots of down time (we are all very disciplined about her only doing her 30 hours and no more)

Good idea about the takeout ☺️

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 19/04/2024 16:58

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. She is working for you in the context of being treated as part of the family, that's an essential part of what being an au pair is. So it isn't that reasonable to insist she has to make herself scarce in the family home.

That said, I assume she'd probably hate being there, so a conversation to explore what she'd prefer is totally reasonable.

MyPerfectHotel · 19/04/2024 16:57

I don't think it is mean, in fact it would seem strange to invite her.

I would say that you are inviting friends over for your regular catch up, so make sure you have alternative dinner plans?

Swipe left for the next trending thread