Trapped and don’t know what to do

I also can't believe no one has mentioned that if the DP took this to court they would prevent you from taking your DS away from his dad.
The world has changed in that regard now. 50/50 is always the starting point and only if your DP Can't fulfil that would moving away be an option.

I agree with PP it's a case of finding a life for yourself while your DS is young.

Wow! I am shocked the number of people on here that I saying it's fine to move 170 miles away from your son's father. If my DC's other parent tried that I would be devastated and fight them with everything I have.
What if he did that to you?

I think option 3 is the only one that puts your son first. You need to build your own support network in the local area.

I have a friend whose children's dad lives 4 hours away and the children hate visiting as it's so far and it's exhausting for them every other weekend. The eldest is 10 and she's already asking not to go so she can do activities etc.

Option 3 is clearly the right thing to do.

It's unlikely that the amount of support your family would be able/willing to offer would be equal to a father with 50/50 residency. You will have a greater ability to work and have more free time with your partner as an equal co-parent.

Option three seems like the best compromise to me. Given that you know your husband would want to be caring for his son 50% of the time, how much of a 'support network' do you need, honestly? I understand why you want to live near your family, but I don't think you need to live near your family.

I think your son is the most important person in all this, and I would have thought it was clearly in his best interests to be able to spend equal time you and with his dad.

Fair to whom? Certainly not fair to the 5 year old child who will be uprooted from everything he knows and taken 170 miles away from a loving devoted parent who wants 50/50 custody.

Surely the child is the most important one here? And the child needs both his parents in his life day to day.

Agree with this.

What a strange thread. Surely your partner looking after your son for 50% of the time counts as "support"? It frees you to work without being crippled by childcare costs, gives you time to yourself, means there's someone else on hand to take him to medical appointments, attend parents evenings, cover in case of an emergency etc. Are you thinking your parents would do more than 50%?

Option 3.

Your need to be close to your parents is not greater than your son’s need to be close to his father and other family.

You’ll soon build a local support network and likely meet someone new in time.

Is it just your parents at 'home'? I would be putting my child first and staying nearby, putting lots of effort into meeting new people and making a wonderful new life, especially when child is with father.

I think that you need to take a minute to take stock here and not make any rash decisions (e.g. “I’m going to move where I want and ex can like it or lump it, I don’t care”)- not only because that might not go in your favour if it came to a custody battle, but because it would be far better for all 3 of you if you and your ex can co-parent amicably. That is extremely unlikely if you move his son away without his knowledge or agreement.

I don’t have an easy answer though - I don’t think there is any way that you can all get what you want. You want to be near your support network- understandably. Your son probably would benefit from as little disruption as possible, by the sounds of things, and he deserves to have a close relationship with his dad. Your ex also deserves to play a full role in son’s life, so if he wants shared custody then he should be entitled to that unless there is a very good reason to deny him. He probably also wants his support network around him so would not be keen to move (also factor in having to move jobs etc- not always possible).

I suppose you must keep what will benefit your son the most as the central point of focus. Of course, your needs/well-being do factor into that as having one (or two) very unhappy parents will impact on him (which means your ex’s well-being and needs are also important). Having parents at loggerheads will impact him. Not seeing his dad (or mum) regularly will impact on him. So, I suppose on balance I would stay where you are and try and build a network around you where you are. I guess if that really isn’t working you could try to find a compromise.

I also don’t know if you can just unilaterally decide to move him far away from his dad/change schools etc without consent- and if you can, surely he can do the reverse? Even if you can, I’m not sure you should. I’m also not sure how the family courts would look on a parent doing this when the other parent actively wants shared custody. I think you may benefit from some legal advice as to your legal rights and also your obligations.

sorry OP, i get this is difficult and I imagine what you really wanted to hear is that you should just do what’s best for you- don’t worry/ignore what your ex-partner wants- and that your son will adapt. I don’t mean that passive aggressively- we always wish there was an easy(ish) way to get what we want. Incidentally, I am sure he would adapt to whatever happens- but he does need both parents in his life.

Option 3. if the cards were turned how would you feel if your ex moved away with your son?

I can't believe the people saying you should move back to be close to your parents- how would they feel if they separated from their partner and he moved over 100 miles away with their child?! OP, I'm afraid unless he will willingly move with you, you are restricted to staying where you are and building a life for yourself. I think if you built up some friendships, joined local groups etc you would improve things for yourself and feel more positive.

@Patternsonthewater

This sounds very difficult and I don’t have any advice but did find this on Citizens Advice about separation. It’s for England so click on the other tabs is you are elsewhere.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/

also worth going through various scenarios about what benefits you may be entitled to claim on Turn To Us benefits checker
https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

plus you can get half an hour’s free legal advice from a local solicitor free. Write down your questions so you get maximum information. Is DP named on DC’s birth certificate?

Good luck

It's a difficult situation but your DS needs to come first obviously so I wouldn't move him, especially as he's possibly not NT.
What I would do is build on a support network where you are.
DS is 5 so will soon be having play dates etc and you will meet people naturally then
You and DC can still go to your DPs during holidays and DP and DS could chat over FaceTime

I think you need to focus on making relationships where you are now. I do understand the urge to move back home (I'm 2 and a half hours from my family), but it's not fair to uproot your son from his current life and a loving dad. Your ex has as much right to custody as you do, and if you belong he would fight for it there's no reason 50/50 wouldn't be awarded by a court.

Option 3 is the only option which puts your son first.

Options 1 or 2 are selfish and mean that your son loses out on growing up with one of his parents.

Would he be willing to consider moving closer to you?

Option 3 for me but I'm probably biased as I've never had much family support anyway. I'd try to make new friends in the area and having 50/50 would mean you get some free time to pursue your own interests. I'm a lone parent and I'd have found life far easier if my ex had been even slightly interested in DS! It will be better for your DS as well.

If your parents or other family won't move to you, another option is all 3 of you moving to them. Have you suggested that to your DP?

How long have you been in your current area? Do you work?

How old are you ? Would your parents be willing to move to your area ?