Trapped and don’t know what to do

I think the answer is not to think has to be forever.

Have you thought about staying in the same area just for a few years? I know this has its downsides though.

Perhaps stay in the area on the understanding that your DP and his family will be there for your son 50/50. If they don’t fulfil this promise you can say you will move closer to your family, who will help you out.

Then plan perhaps to move your son when he’s at secondary school?

The biggest down side will be if your son doesn’t want to change friends - that’s always a hard ask and some children are better suited to this than others. As a pre teenager it will be easier for him to travel to his father, and stay longer.

It also means you have time to visit your hometown regularly and he perhaps foster friendship there for the future.

You may think this is a rubbish idea and is actually the worst of both worlds. I only offer it up as your current choice of going or staying isn’t easy.

Not even married? What has that got to do with it. Me and DP aren't married. There is no way I'd take his kids away from him. Not that there would be a chance he'd let me. My boys have always needed their father too.

But it’s not. A child needs a mother at that age. They’re not even married. I say that as a person whose husband took my kids to Scotland and then I had to fight him through the courts but it was complicated because solicitors in England didn’t know Scottish law. That’s why I feel so strongly that she needs to be where she has support so that she remains with her child.

OP does your partner officially have parental responsibility?

Just imagine if this was the other way round.

Move back near your family. If he is that committed he can relocate. It’s not fair to expect you to live alone so far away from your family. A court will always favour the mother over the father for such a young child. Do you have family you can stay with? If so make plans to go there. You don’t have to tell him, because if you do he may try to physically or emotionally stop you. It may be 170 miles but that’s only just over 80 miles if you meet halfway for handovers. Get a solicitor as soon as possible just in case he decides to be difficult. Good luck OP 💐

This. If he's an involved and equal parent you put him first over wanting to be near your mum and dad. You're an adult and want to be close to your parents and you think your 5yo not seeing his dad will cope better?
Sorry but it would wrong to do that in this case. You do have an option to stay local and build your own network.

Fully agree

Sympathetic support helps with logistics but doesn't replace for the child a brilliant dad who adores his son.

@Halfemptyhalfling why does her son need helping more? He's not being abused, nobody is.

Pulling him away from his life might hurt him though

You could move locally to start with. Then if it turns out that you have your son more then move nearer your parents if that seems best.

You might actually not need your parents as much as you think. It's often much easier if it's just you in charge rather than having to deal with a non sympathetic other adult. Also your son will get more independent in infant school years - especially if you encourage him.

I disagree with posters saying you moving to near your parents is not putting your son first. You having sympathetic support might well help your son more than having to juggle with your partner and his family constantly.

This is so rare but you sound to be an excellent parent for this attitude alone!!
👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

I agree with this.

But well done on thinking of your children, putting them first

Did they have a 50/50 split though? Because that can work for eow and holidays, but I can't see how it would be fair for a child to have to do that amount of travel every weekend and holiday, and would also mean the parent who had them in the week would get no real down-time with them, especially at 5.

You want to move near your parents, (your mum and your dad), because they supported and loved you and yet if you do that you are ensuring your son is denied that. Even if courts etc let that happen, long term a long distance relationship will become more and more difficult. His relationship with his dad will become strained, he can't go to two schools so 50/50 would end up being holidays, (and how would his dad work then?), and weekends, (so DS would miss all the parties and weekend clubs and seeing his school friends).

Eventually it would be "Oh DS doesn't want to go London/Liverpool/Portsmouth this weekend because he's got a party - and I'm not going to force him". And Ex DP would of course find a new partner, ( as might you), and the new partner might have a baby - and then DS is competing for his dad with a child who is there every day and who has his dad at sports days and rugby matches and playdates and whatever.

Put DS first. Make your life in the place you are.

Option 4.
Stay in the area for 6 months/1 year. If your ex keeps up 50:50 then start to build your new life there. If he starts messing you around and refusing to do 50:50 when the reality kicks in, then move home.

I think you need to work out how to stay there and make a life for yourself.
I'm 300 miles away from my parents but couldn't take my kids away from exDH. Plus objectively this is a better place to live.
I have built a local network here.
My route was I moved out and rented locally until exDH could raise the funds to by me out. Would that work?

I think you mean so they will both have to find accommodation...

One might buy out the other, which would be good as the ds wouldn't lose his familiar home as well as the family unit.

But relocating as far as op family would likely mean new employment also, unless you have a role which is entirely WFH. So staying in area is simpler/less risky from that point view especially if considerations like length of service and redundancy protection are a factor.

I was in the same boat as you. I have ended up staying in the area close to my exDH. I couldn't take my children away from their dad, or him away from them. I decided to split up so I took the hit but it's hard never being near your family.

Won't the house need to be sold in order for the op to move anyway?

I think it makes a big difference that OP moved to that area before even meeting her DP. She hasn't made the sacrifice to be near his family, that's where she lived when they met and moved in together and had a child together. It's not like she made a sacrifice for him and now it's his turn. Unless, I suppose, she always intended on moving back to near parents once she had children. But that would always depend on what the dad would also want.
OP have you actually/are you able to just have a conversation with your DP about how you feel about the living arrangements?
Have you actually agreed to separate yet or is this you thinking about ducks before you actually take the plunge?

Ok. Well you didn't link your earlier post in to your response to mine, I don't know why you would expect me to note it. It doesn't really alter the point I'm making.
And I think the odds of the DH also relocating so op can be closer to her family with all the associated costs and complications of two places to live needing to be found etc etc is vanishingly small so a bit of a moot point anyway.

He could file a prohibited steps order to stop you taking him

He could use education ( his school) to stop the move

Personally I think kids need both parents (where appropriate, I.e no abuse etc) so I think you need to stay in the area.

My in laws still support my partners ex wife, helping with childcare etc, do you have a good relationship with them?

Can you start building a better support network where you live, are their single parent groups, or activities where you could start getting to meet new people?