Page 9 | Gynaecologist remark to DH

Gyneapologist · 2024-04-19T13:19:00+00:00

in response to my dh saying he wanted me to have an MRI so he could stop worrying about me “I get it mate, you want to trade her in for a younger model’. We were both 😲 male, 60s and also an oncologist as this was a post-cancer appointment. Im 53 btw. I feel equally humiliated and outraged as well as lost for words. It was a quip and I’m sure many will say it’s harmless but I think it speaks to the culture of misogyny in the NHS. For context, I requested an appointment in regards to on-going pain from a serious post-surgery infection.

BasketsandBunnies · 19/04/2024 20:23

So whose terminology was it? Surely he wasn't insulting the other doctor as well?!

AndOnAndOnItGoes · 19/04/2024 20:22

Jeez. I'm barely ever offended at anything, have a v dark sense of humour etc, but that's just....wow. I probably wouldn't bother complaining though, you've more than likely got enough on your plate to be bothered with the hassle.

Original poster

Gyneapologist · 19/04/2024 20:18

BasketsandBunnies · 19/04/2024 20:14

No excuses for the comment and I'm sorry you were subjected to that. However, calling the doctor sitting in an 'apprentice' is quite derogatory too you know.

Show quote history

Yeps, that’s why I put ‘ apprentice’ in quotation marks - it was not my terminology

OP posts:

rainbowunicorn · 19/04/2024 20:16

TheBerry · 19/04/2024 18:05

He probably thought he was being funny and lightening the atmosphere.

Maybe after he said it he felt mortified.

Still, by age 60 I thinks most people would have learned to take a second and reconsider before making a joke like that.

I think your DH should have said something in your defence! I’d be more upset about that.

Why are you trying to make this out to be the husband is in wrong? There was only one person in the wrong and it certainly wasn't the OPs husband.

thegirlwithemousyhair · 19/04/2024 20:14

This would be an example of the fabled "medical humour" I suppose. In other words, total insensitivity.

I'd've blurted out something very sarcastic.

BasketsandBunnies · 19/04/2024 20:14

Gyneapologist · 19/04/2024 14:29

I so wish that were true. Did I add that he is the lead consultant and chief of surgery?
misogyny is endemic in the NHS, it’s embedded in the hierarchy and the attitude to women’s’ pain. It’s changing but slowly. Alas there was an ‘apprentice’ sitting in on my appointment (male), so I imagine that shit is still
filtering down

Show quote history

No excuses for the comment and I'm sorry you were subjected to that. However, calling the doctor sitting in an 'apprentice' is quite derogatory too you know.

Willmafrockfit · 19/04/2024 20:13

Meadowfinch · 19/04/2024 14:22

I think it speaks reems about the misogyny of that one idiot oncologist. It says nothing about the NHS at all.

I've just been through 3 years of cancer treatment. I can honestly say, with the exception of one slightly clumsy individual, the care from both men and women had been unstintingly supportive, sensitive and supremely professional.

yes, please dont tar everyone with the same brush,

blixabloc · 19/04/2024 20:13

Disgusting, report the prick.

Pootle23 · 19/04/2024 20:12

BeaRF75 · 19/04/2024 14:49

Just playing devil's advocate, maybe seeing a husband present means that a doctor assumes that they are a very "traditional" couple? I can't imagine ever choosing to take my husband with me to an appointment, even though he is medically qualified - I would want to be treated as the competent, independent person that I am.
But, yes, everyone is different...

Are you for real?

You think my husband less of a competent man because I attend his oncology appointments with him!

WTF! Yeah, it was bloody fabulous talking about if he would survive his surgery! Yes, obviously according to you he should have been a proper grown up and faced this alone, so he could just come home and tell me about it later.

You have obviously never faced cancer in any way. Believe me it’s fucking terrifying!

ForestForever · 19/04/2024 20:02

VesperLind · 19/04/2024 14:21

Why was your husband with you in the consultation?

This has to be up there with one of the most idiotic questions I have ever seen on Mumsnet. If I were you, I’d be really grateful that this site is anonymous to save my own humiliation.

Noyesnoyes · 19/04/2024 19:55

Caththegreat · 19/04/2024 19:54

Ageist sexist comment Immediate complaint.I walked out when a young guy called .me sweetheart.

👏 👏

Bloody well done!

Caththegreat · 19/04/2024 19:54

Ageist sexist comment Immediate complaint.I walked out when a young guy called .me sweetheart.

danitheastrologer · 19/04/2024 19:49

That's outrageous. I would certainly raise it as a concern and ask for an update on the outcome. A written apology would be nice.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 19/04/2024 19:47

I agree with a PP that your DH should complain - the comment was made to him. But in a very strange way I think it is good that the "apprentice" was there. It means you can cover that off in the complaint that the role model/training was inappropriate for junior staff. That makes it less personal about the competence of the surgeon and more about implementation of trust policies and procedures.

Hope your recovery is going well.

And although possibly some people have asked unusual or different questions that is one of the great benefits of Mumsnet - we hear opinions from those with a different experience or opinion to us or our supporters. Whereas I have no words for those coming on again and again to query questions that others have asked. What value do you think you were adding to the thread? Just none - total derail.

BusStopNumber3 · 19/04/2024 19:47

VesperLind · 19/04/2024 14:21

Why was your husband with you in the consultation?

Jesus.

Howbizarre22 · 19/04/2024 19:45

Vergingontheridiculous · 19/04/2024 19:26

I had a gynae appointment post second pregnancy about a (relatively minor in comparison to some but pretty traumatising for me) prolapse. I was told repeatedly by the male consultant that it was "normal" and the icing on the cake was "don't worry, your husband won't notice". I literally had no words. I'm not sure men are suited to gynae as a specialty, and I do wonder why some men choose it.

Because to men it’s always about what men want. Everything including women are all there for them and their benefit. So fucking entitled. And yet there’s a poster on MN today today she can’t understand “radical” feminism and why we all complain about men so much on here 🤷🏼‍♀️

CatkinToadflax · 19/04/2024 19:41

Gyneapologist · 19/04/2024 19:36

That’s so awful and shocking. I am so so sorry that you had to go through these experiences and that the callousness (which is what it was) of that registrar has had such devastating consequences. It’s that attitude of women being whiners (basically) that has such far reaching and entrenched impact on training, attitudes and practice xx

Show quote history

Thank you so much. And I completely agree. Wishing you well

Howbizarre22 · 19/04/2024 19:41

Please, please report him asap. That is absolutely disgusting

Original poster

Gyneapologist · 19/04/2024 19:36

CatkinToadflax · 19/04/2024 19:21

I’m so sorry OP. You must complain - what was said to you was dreadful.

18 years ago I was pregnant with DS1. I had to have a stitch placed at 22 weeks. At a follow up appointment I ended up being the ‘freak show’ for a large group of medical students to come and stare at. I wouldn’t have minded, as I totally support students’ training - but evidently the presentation of my insides was unusual enough to warrant one of the medics scribbling a line drawing of my internals - complete with stitch - with blue biro on a sheet of kitchen roll. And passing it round for everyone to have a good old gawp.

At just under 24 weeks my stitch broke. I was screaming in pain in the pregnancy unit in early labour, but the arsehole male registrar on duty that evening refused to examine me, in spite of my stitch. He told me I was a paranoid first time mother and there was no reason whatsoever why I’d be in early labour. He told me to go away and not contact them again unless I was bleeding.

Three days later DS1 was born at 24 weeks. He’s 18 now and has multiple disabilities. The arsehole registrar never even acknowledged what had happened. He’s a consultant at a different hospital and probably having a very nice life. My son will never live fully independently.

That’s so awful and shocking. I am so so sorry that you had to go through these experiences and that the callousness (which is what it was) of that registrar has had such devastating consequences. It’s that attitude of women being whiners (basically) that has such far reaching and entrenched impact on training, attitudes and practice xx

OP posts:

Noseybookworm · 19/04/2024 19:33

What a horrible and inappropriate comment. If that was his attempt at humour, it's really not funny 😐 please do put in a complaint. I'm so sorry that you were subjected to that 💐

TerrysNeapolitan · 19/04/2024 19:33

Did you Time Slip into the 1950s? Not ok OP

Calliopespa · 19/04/2024 19:32

BishyBarnyBee · 19/04/2024 14:23

What on earth has that got to do with anything?

Show quote history

There’s always someone who has to find an “ angle in” on the OP - no matter how blameless the post. 🥱

Vergingontheridiculous · 19/04/2024 19:26

I had a gynae appointment post second pregnancy about a (relatively minor in comparison to some but pretty traumatising for me) prolapse. I was told repeatedly by the male consultant that it was "normal" and the icing on the cake was "don't worry, your husband won't notice". I literally had no words. I'm not sure men are suited to gynae as a specialty, and I do wonder why some men choose it.

TeaGinandFags · 19/04/2024 19:22

Straight to PSLS for both of you.

Despite that horrendous event, I hope you are mending well x

CatkinToadflax · 19/04/2024 19:21

I’m so sorry OP. You must complain - what was said to you was dreadful.

18 years ago I was pregnant with DS1. I had to have a stitch placed at 22 weeks. At a follow up appointment I ended up being the ‘freak show’ for a large group of medical students to come and stare at. I wouldn’t have minded, as I totally support students’ training - but evidently the presentation of my insides was unusual enough to warrant one of the medics scribbling a line drawing of my internals - complete with stitch - with blue biro on a sheet of kitchen roll. And passing it round for everyone to have a good old gawp.

At just under 24 weeks my stitch broke. I was screaming in pain in the pregnancy unit in early labour, but the arsehole male registrar on duty that evening refused to examine me, in spite of my stitch. He told me I was a paranoid first time mother and there was no reason whatsoever why I’d be in early labour. He told me to go away and not contact them again unless I was bleeding.

Three days later DS1 was born at 24 weeks. He’s 18 now and has multiple disabilities. The arsehole registrar never even acknowledged what had happened. He’s a consultant at a different hospital and probably having a very nice life. My son will never live fully independently.