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Original poster

Gynaecologist remark to DH

432 replies

Gyneapologist · 19/04/2024 14:19

in response to my dh saying he wanted me to have an MRI so he could stop worrying about me “I get it mate, you want to trade her in for a younger model’. We were both 😲

male, 60s and also an oncologist as this was a post-cancer appointment. Im
53 btw.

I feel equally humiliated and outraged
as well as lost for words. It was a quip and I’m sure many will say it’s harmless but I think it speaks to the culture of misogyny in the NHS. For context, I requested an appointment in regards to on-going pain from a serious post-surgery infection.

OP posts:
ColesCorner7814 · 23/04/2024 11:57

BeaRF75 · 19/04/2024 14:49

Just playing devil's advocate, maybe seeing a husband present means that a doctor assumes that they are a very "traditional" couple? I can't imagine ever choosing to take my husband with me to an appointment, even though he is medically qualified - I would want to be treated as the competent, independent person that I am.
But, yes, everyone is different...

‘I would want to be treated as the competent, independent person that I am’

your husband being there shouldn’t affect this (unless there is misogyny in the room!)

I would question my relationship if my partner didn’t want me there. Something to hide? Not bothered about the impact on my life?

Doesn’t matter if you’re independent or not - having someone there has more benefits for a variety of reasons. Someone there to discuss decisions (different angles/points of view)? Be a witness to what was said in case of discrepancies/complaints? Devastating news and the discussion went over your head? Or are you so independent and confident that these things would never affect you?

Seems weird to think that competent and independent people do not need emotional (or any type of) support - does that make them less competent and weak in your mind?

TrustyRusty68 · 23/04/2024 10:13

VesperLind · 19/04/2024 14:21

Why was your husband with you in the consultation?

Why wouldn’t he go? Maybe for support in a difficult situation?

unisexforreal · 23/04/2024 09:54

VesperLind · 19/04/2024 14:21

Why was your husband with you in the consultation?

@VesperLind perfectly normal after a cancer diagnosis. Why wouldn’t he be there?

Emmz1510 · 23/04/2024 09:47

VesperLind · 19/04/2024 14:21

Why was your husband with you in the consultation?

whats that got to do with anything?

AccountCreateUsername · 23/04/2024 09:40

DriftingDora · 23/04/2024 08:06

Was there a nurse or any other healthcare professional present?

Yes, good point, and I'm sure sometimes when crass comments are made there is someone else present, but you do wonder whether they would have the courage to confirm it if they did hear it. We all know that organisations SAY they encourage whistleblowers to report anything inappropriate, but we also know the reality of how it can affect someone's life and career if they do. And I can well imagine the NHS is no exception to this.

Show quote history

The NHS is sadly treats whistleblowers terribly. Even when they’re eminent and relatively powerful Consultants. I wouldn’t count on it but I bet this guy does have a reputation for being an inappropriate knob. OP’s complaint won’t be the first I bet!

DriftingDora · 23/04/2024 08:06

AccountCreateUsername · 23/04/2024 07:54

Anyway increasingly research is showing us that as women we fare better and have better outcomes under female surgeons.
OP this surgeon won’t be struck off or even disciplined but you can bet anything that his attitude will be at odds to those managing services.

You should feedback that it was an inappropriate and unprofessional comment. I’m assuming the appointment was just between you and the surgeon with your partner in attendance. Was there a nurse or any other healthcare professional present?

Was there a nurse or any other healthcare professional present?

Yes, good point, and I'm sure sometimes when crass comments are made there is someone else present, but you do wonder whether they would have the courage to confirm it if they did hear it. We all know that organisations SAY they encourage whistleblowers to report anything inappropriate, but we also know the reality of how it can affect someone's life and career if they do. And I can well imagine the NHS is no exception to this.

ButterCrackers · 23/04/2024 07:56

Report this comment made to your dh. Totally unprofessional and unacceptable.

AccountCreateUsername · 23/04/2024 07:54

Anyway increasingly research is showing us that as women we fare better and have better outcomes under female surgeons.
OP this surgeon won’t be struck off or even disciplined but you can bet anything that his attitude will be at odds to those managing services.

You should feedback that it was an inappropriate and unprofessional comment. I’m assuming the appointment was just between you and the surgeon with your partner in attendance. Was there a nurse or any other healthcare professional present?

AccountCreateUsername · 23/04/2024 07:50

DriftingDora · 22/04/2024 14:25

I'm wondering if they are employed by NHS. If so, I hope nowhere in the vicinity of where I live.

Show quote history

Surgeons can be arrogant pricks no matter the sector. Perhaps more so in the independent sector where they’re kow-towed to far more than in the NHS.

It is, of course absolutely standard to have someone with you for oncology appointment. Everybody knows that.

ForestForever · 22/04/2024 19:05

FlipFlop1987 · 22/04/2024 10:53

Gutted VesperLind and BeaRF75 haven’t returned to try and justify their own stupidity

Same to be honest.

Lifeomars · 22/04/2024 16:04

katebushh · 21/04/2024 10:25

When my ex went for a vasectomy the doctor asked him if he was sure because "he might meet Claudia Schiffer".

Extraordinary.

A similar remark was made to the partner of a friend of mine, the doctor said to him, "What if you meet someone young and lovely and want to have a family with them?" He replied "I am with someone young and lovely and we have completed our family "

Noyesnoyes · 22/04/2024 14:26

@DriftingDora agreed again!

DriftingDora · 22/04/2024 14:25

Noyesnoyes · 22/04/2024 10:55

Agreed

Show quote history

I'm wondering if they are employed by NHS. If so, I hope nowhere in the vicinity of where I live.

Noyesnoyes · 22/04/2024 10:55

FlipFlop1987 · 22/04/2024 10:53

Gutted VesperLind and BeaRF75 haven’t returned to try and justify their own stupidity

Agreed

FlipFlop1987 · 22/04/2024 10:53

Gutted VesperLind and BeaRF75 haven’t returned to try and justify their own stupidity

anchoviesanchovies · 22/04/2024 10:44

BeaRF75 · 19/04/2024 14:49

Just playing devil's advocate, maybe seeing a husband present means that a doctor assumes that they are a very "traditional" couple? I can't imagine ever choosing to take my husband with me to an appointment, even though he is medically qualified - I would want to be treated as the competent, independent person that I am.
But, yes, everyone is different...

What a ridiculous comment to make. Taking a partner along a any appointment does not mean you are not competent or independent. Hopefully you've never had cancer but trust me, there is often a need for additional support. Especially post-cancer treatment as emotionally that period can be one of the hardest. I'm speaking from experience. Shame you felt the need to try and belittle the OP.

OP - really awful remark. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with cancer twice, I can't imagine having to go through that again.

Spottingtwerps · 21/04/2024 20:03

Steppingintome · 21/04/2024 14:47

My father in law is 71 and he calls everyone mate or love. So yer believable

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But in a formal, work setting? In the street or shop but not as the chief of surgery in an oncology dept speaking with a patient.

Spottingtwerps · 21/04/2024 20:01

BeaRF75 · 19/04/2024 14:49

Just playing devil's advocate, maybe seeing a husband present means that a doctor assumes that they are a very "traditional" couple? I can't imagine ever choosing to take my husband with me to an appointment, even though he is medically qualified - I would want to be treated as the competent, independent person that I am.
But, yes, everyone is different...

What a bizarre logic. What do you think of male patients who take their wives to appointments?

Baaaaaa · 21/04/2024 17:20

Not only is it wildly inappropriate. It's also completely out of context to what your husband said.

Mirabai · 21/04/2024 15:37

Gyneapologist · 21/04/2024 14:42

Yes it was definitely an attempt at male bonding, eyes rolling at the moany female in the room

Show quote history

Yes the moany female with cancer and with gynae organs removed.

Nini878 · 21/04/2024 15:32

VesperLind · 19/04/2024 14:21

Why was your husband with you in the consultation?

Wow, really? People support each other…..

Steppingintome · 21/04/2024 14:47

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 21/04/2024 11:24

So an almost retirement age oncologist called your husband'mate'? Really? Sure.

My father in law is 71 and he calls everyone mate or love. So yer believable

Original poster
Gyneapologist · 21/04/2024 14:43

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 21/04/2024 12:35

@theDudesmummy In a lifetime of NHS involvement, I never have. It’s not the usual language of a much older middle class professional.

Wow prejudices galore….

OP posts:
Original poster
Gyneapologist · 21/04/2024 14:42

theDudesmummy · 21/04/2024 11:47

@marmaladeandpeanutbutter oh I can believe that. Being an oncologist and being senior doesn't prevent this type of man from being a tasteless misogynistic prick, it would not prevent him from trying to do a little extra misogynist "male bonding" by calling someone he doesn't know "mate". I've seen plenty of it.

Yes it was definitely an attempt at male bonding, eyes rolling at the moany female in the room

OP posts:
Bearpawk · 21/04/2024 13:43

That's appalling op, I would definitely log an official complaint. It's Misogynistic and inappropriate, and these things make me question the care that women get from male practitioners if that's their attitude.
Hope your recovery goes well too x