Gynaecologist remark to DH

What the fuck's that got to do with anything?

@Gyneapologist 'misogyny is endemic in the NHS, it’s embedded in the hierarchy and the attitude to women’s’ pain. It’s changing but slowly. Alas there was an ‘apprentice’ sitting in on my appointment (male), so I imagine that shit is still filtering down'

OP. You describe one incident in one hospital, in one trust, in years of treatment. I have to disagree with you and can only assume your trust has a poor record for this sort of thing. Such an attitude would never be tolerated, in our local trusts.

You assert that misogyny is endemic in the NHS but I can only say that my experience has been quite the opposite over years of oncology, radiology, surgery. Certainly dinosaur men exist, but I don't find that they are the norm.

We must agree to disagree.

That is outrageous! To say something like that is very unprofessional and lacks any empathy about how you must be feeling. I would complain and ask to see someone else in the future.

I do wonder if the people (who have missed the point entirely) who are questioning the husband being there, have been through the devastation of cancer. It is invaluable to have someone at your side to help you to process all the information. How utterly ridiculous to question this.

"traditional" meaning ... ?

Oncologists are medical doctors, if this man is head of surgery I assume he is a surgeon not an oncologist? Not that it is in any way an excuse, but surgeons are not known for their skill in dealing with unanaesthetised patients (though of course some are excellent and can actually talk to patients like humans). Was there not a nurse in the consultation? It sounds horrendous.

@Gyneapologist
Please ignore vesperlind - they're one of those posters who throw a hand grenade and rarely come back but yes, they should perhaps know better if they work in the health management.
As for @BeaRF75 I'm starting to suspect that they also work in the NHS along with their medically qualified spouse who probably also lacks any empathy!

Jesus. That’s awful. I think nothing of my patients capabilities or marriage setup if they choose to bring a partner with them. It’s often encouraged because patients retain very little of a consultation even in the best of circumstances.

I would complain because that’s an appalling comment. And for those saying it speaks nothing of the nhs, perhaps not the entirety sure, but it is reflective of a particular problem that gynaecology rather ironically has.

Fuck me. YANBU at all. What a bellend.

@BeaRF75
I'm on my second cancer in two years and I now ALWAYS take someone in with me. During the first cancer I always went to appointments on my own and the poor, ageist, misogynistic treatment that I received off of male oncologists/doctors was off the scale.
I am a fully competent independent adult woman who has been left aged and in poor-ish health with chemo induced arthritis and excessive hair loss all over my body. Several doctors have told me that joint pain is only to be expected at my age and one asked me why I needed hair at my age. I am mid-50's. That doesn't include the lies and mistakes that I've suffered. No one has made me feel so small, distressed and insignificant as those doctors. So yes, I now take a bloody 'witness' with me to every sodding appointment. Your comments are really offensive and I hope that YOU never lose your competence and independence in this way - you should probably apologise but I bet that you won't.

@Gyneapologist I'm so sorry that you had to deal with this. Please make a complaint - at least you have a witness.

I'd actually be complaining to both the hospital and the GMC.

Nothing about that is acceptable. Treating patients with respect and dignity is as important as the medical treatment provoded to them.

This doctor was clearly not looking at your as a person. His comment made that apparent.

I have seen from previous posts that you work in the NHS in a management role. Oh dear. That’s even more worrying then that you don’t understand why a spouse might attend a consultation.

Hopefully some of the explanations on this thread have educated you. Maybe you could add it to your personal development plan goals for the year.

It’s a post-cancer appointment. Is it really beyond you to understand why? Seriously?

OP, I’d also complain. Anyone who says things like that in such an environment has a scant - if not non-existent - grasp of what’s appropriate.

This is absolutely horrendous and would be from anyone in pretty much any context but infinitely more so from a medical professional to someone who has been recently been treated for cancer. God knows what the hell he was thinking but I agree that you should report it or at least give him much needed "feedback." I wish you all the best in your recovery!

OP, I definitely think you should complain. It’s a dreadful thing to say even as a joke when you’re in perfect health, never mind when you’re going through something so serious. Completely unprofessional, even just calling your DH ‘mate’.

I’m glad you got your MRI and I hope it’s all good results so you and your DH can both have some peace of mind for a while 💐

Do you ever notice that the people who like to play devils advocate are often complete knobs? 🙄

It was an awful comment by your doctor. And yes sexism is rife in the NHS. Women are misdiagnosed or dismissed constantly, or not given pain medication (when in an equivalent situation men are).

Definitely complain OP, I'm so sorry he said that.

As a pp has said, it’s often advised at appts. where there may be bad news, or a lot of info to take in when the patient is likely to be under stress anyway.

Nothing to do with being seen as unable to cope.

Wth what a thing to say

My husband and I are probably what some would consider a traditional couple and this comment is still appalling. I don't know how the doctor's perception of the type of couple he's treating would make a vile, misogynistic comment like this ok? How does a couple being traditional justify it may I ask?

Patients nearly always need someone with them during consultations. Patients are usually worried and often not at their best. They often forget some of what has been discussed, it’s really advantageous to have someone else there.

The doctors comment was totally inappropriate, good job there were two of you there!!

Competent and independent? Perhaps. Completely tactless and apparently oblivious to how you’re coming across? Definitely.

What is your definition of a ‘traditional couple’? Do you view yourself as a ‘modern couple’? Because taking your partner into a serious medical appointment for support isn’t something unusual or that only older couples who have been married for decades do. Most people do it. The fact that you wouldn’t want your husband in such an appointment with you in case he viewed you differently says more about your sense of self and your own marriage than it does the OPs.

And in what universe would that comment have been appropriate or acceptable even if the doctor had assumed that they were a ‘traditional couple’?