Thinking partners child is being dramatic

Once a month, plus once I'm school holidays is nothing.
My kids see my PiL a little less and they have barely a relationship. My 10 year old is now very resentful that they do not want to see him more.
20 mins is absolutely nothing, he could be more involved if he wanted to be.
Help with clubs is likely to be welcomed!
You say you don't know why yous don't have them alone... Had he actually said that he wants this to happen and been knocked back?

If the council house was signed over to her they weret living together when she was younger? How was their relationship before mum died? It sounds like this is about alot more than a grandad that only sees the children occasionally, and that perhaps their relationship wasn't stellar when she was growing up or after her mum died. Perhaps she doesn't particularly want to see him more or is angry with him for something from when she was younger. Maybe she feels like he didn't get to know her either. I guess only your partner knows that they especially if it happened before you were around.

I know the death of my mum mum's when she was a teen impacted the whole family but she was the youngest and her dad really didn't step up to the plate and their relationship never recovered.

It's all very well saying he wants to balance things out a bit more, but what is his suggestion on how to do this?

There are lots of things he could do

See them during the week
Take them to one of their hobbies
Arrange with his dd to have them overnight once a week

But it all hinges on him making the effort. If he's not willing to do that then he won't improve his relationship with his gc

My parents live 2.5 hours away and they see my son once a month, for three days at a time. My brother and niece live about 20 minutes away and they see her several times a week.

If they lived 20 minutes away and only saw him one day a month I wouldn't consider them close grandparents.

edit: posted too soon then read the rest of the thread. When you do see her, it’s just for Sunday lunch once a month? Of course her kids don’t feel like they know him if all they get is a couple of hours in public at a dinner table.

Personally I don't think seeing grandkids once or twice a month is especially infrequent and certainly not 'barely knowing' them so yes, I think she's being dramatic. However, if he wants to see more of his daughter's children, he should make the effort - presumably you're not actually stopping him from doing that?

@BlueMum16 it's not even 20 miles, it's 20 minutes!

Your DH needs the make an effort to go and see them and invite them over once a week. 20 miles isn't far. It's about priorities. Once they children have regular visits then offer an overnight stay.
I see my mum withy kids more but make a massive effort to ensure my kids are GP from DH side weekly where possible.

If the children regularly see your partners parents, and they also do overnight babysitting, and when your partner sees them he also takes them to his parents then the only time they actually have with him separate from his parents is one Sunday lunch a month.

Plus the caravan once a year.

They probably will feel like they don't know him. That is very little time indeed and it's doing an adult friendly activity rather than something a child would want to do.

Sounds like for whatever reason there is not a good relationship between him and his daughter - it's unusual for great grandparents to babysit rather than grandparents.

What's the backstory? Did she have to move in with your partner's parents when he moved in with you when she was 18?

So he moved in with you when she turned 18? Who did she live with then?

Her mum passed away few years ago but her partners parents are very involved, his mum works around their childcare needs. They have dinner together once a week and all live in the same village. They do Christmas with them every year never with us. Now my son is the same with us, we live near him so it makes sense.
PIL aren't the same as parents and she's 20 minutes away, you live near both kids not just your son.

Practical ideas for your husband to have a better rel'ship with his grandchildren and his daughter, who live just down the road (he's so lucky!):

• Ask if he can commit to taking his grandchildren to one of their clubs or activities on a weekly basis. This can be really bonding, he gets to chat with them on the way there and back, gets to know what they're up to, can cheer them on, meet the parents/grandparents of their friends.
• Ask if you can have the kids for sleepovers every few weeks, make it a lovely fun time
• Drop in at the house at least once a week unannounced, just to say hi, perhaps deliver something useful (my grandma always came with fresh milk every Monday, I now know as an excuse to say hi, we always needed it, and she only stopped for a few mins), or if he's handy, to help with some house or garden job.
• Informal dropping in without pre-planning can be a gift, as no pressure on parents to agree to a certain time etc which is more formal. If your DH only has a formal rel'ship with his daughter right now, it'll help build in this easy informality, in a useful and loving way.

Stbxh parents live 4 hours drive away, they easily spend more hours with their grandkids a year than your partner does with his. If I was your DIL Id be feeling pretty hurt about my Dad's behaviour and like he doesn't value me or my kids. She has 3 very young children including twins, her Mum is gone, the well she supportive PIL line isn't good enough. She's saying she needs her Dad more and he should step up and show his daughter he cares about her and her children. 3 kids 4 and under including twins, that's tough. She should have support from her Dad too, not just her ILs.

He should visit his daughter more. 20 mins is a dropping in kind of distance; not a once a month type. And will be easier to organise it it doesn't have to be both of you all the time. I really feel for a woman with three children who has lost her mum at such a young age, that's emotionally very hard. Her dad should step up.

I think she is being dramatic. Its not about quantity but quality. They see their grandparent/s alot more than my kids do and they have amazing relationships with each grandparent.

My parents live 3 hours away and we see them every 4-6 weeks. They had my eldest 1 week a year in the holidays and do days out with him in other holidays. Do days out with my youngest in term time when the eldest is in school. We usually do a long weekend at Centre Parcs and then another long weekend camping each year with them.
My in-laws live in Australia. We see them on average every 18 months (bar over covid). Speak to them every other weekend. Usually when we visit each other its is for a min of 2 weeks (usually 4-6 weeks if my inlaws come here as they can take extended leave from work)

My kids love each grandparent the same. There are plenty of times they don't want to talk to one or the other on the phone esp if they have just seen the other set. We make a effort to make sure they get 1:1 time with grandparents when we do see them, even if it is only an hour or so while we go and have a child free coffee. When my in-laws visit we usually have an afternoon/evening out towards the end of their trip and they look after the kids, put to bed etc so they get that quality time too.

I think it's actually a perfect time to have a conversation with DD
"I thought about what you said about the children not knowing me and it hurt but you are right. I'd really likely to change that and be a bigger part of their lives. Is there anything I can do to make your lives a bit easier? Take them to clubs, bring dinner on X night? Would you let me know when they have sports matches/ plays / important events so that I can support them?"

If he wants to see his family more you shouldn't be pushing back on that.

It feels like this is all a bit ‘storm in a teacup’. Your partner was silly to message and say he was hurt about a comment a 4 year old made and your stepdaughter was a bit childish in choosing to lash out and saying that her children barely know your partner. She really should’ve taken the opportunity to express her feelings in a less combative way, but the world is never perfect and nor are we.
It does sound to me as though SDs comment hit a nerve with your partner, I expect he sees some truth in it. Maybe he needs to grow up a bit and instead of whinging about his feelings being hurt by a very small child, he should take steps to make more thoughtful and purposeful effort with his grandchildren.

Twenty minutes is nothing. He can easily go over once a week. His daughter is only in her 20s and has lost her mum. Your partner should make more effort to be there for his daughter. Does he not want to see her, let alone the grandchildren?

I agree she's being dramatic but...

Her mum passed away few years ago but her partners parents are very involved, his mum works around their childcare needs. They have dinner together once a week and all live in the same village. They do Christmas with them every year never with us. Now my son is the same with us, we live near him so it makes sense.

This has literally nothing to do with it. Or do you think she should be happy with a substitute?

@LindArt I think there lies the issue then, the children barely know him he is a background character to their lives at the moment. If he is keen to have a relationship then that needs to change. Providing his relationship with his daughter is good and he isn't elbowing in then he needs to think of ways of improving this. The weather is getting nicer and evenings are longer. Can he watch them at a sport, set up their own tradition of a semi regular theatre/cinema/zoo trip. Reading books over zoom etc if young.