Thinking partners child is being dramatic

Nope.
OP does not need to see more of them.
Her partner is capable adult and can schedule meeting his own adult daughter if he wants to be more present in her and his grandchildrens life.
Making family occasions and meeting up does not require a vagina to organize.

I don’t think the daughter is being dramatic. I think she’s trying to tell her dad that she needs more from him. He would be wise to listen, before he loses her.

Leaving her to live alone when she was 18 doesn’t shout ‘dad of the year.’

Your partner’s suggestions to cut down on the time you see your son’s children in order to balance it out makes absolutely no sense. And his daughter is being ridiculous in saying her kids barely know you if you see them twice per month. She’s 20 minutes away, not in the Arctic plains for goodness sake. And if she has loads of things you can and cannot do wrt seeing her then how the heck are you meant to visit? It all sounds somewhat odd.

A 4 year old and 2 2 year olds?
Why would she want them to stay overnight anywhere? Let alone if she doesn't trust the adults to follow her routines (eg they say things like "she has so many rules...") . My kids are very close with all sets of grandparents including steps, but I didnt send them on overnights at 2yo! Obviously some people have to, but it is being discussed as just for fun. I can't imagine anyone would sleep well, and then everyone would be grumpy the next day.
OTOH don't ruin your relationship with your son just to make your partner feel better. He needs to improve his relationship with his daughter, and he needs to do it himself, not try to have you create it as a proxy.

You don’t have to cut down the time you spend with your own grandchildren. If he wants to see his he can go to them. On weekends, in the week, etc. He should arrange with his daughter to go. Why can’t he go alone? Why do you have to go? You can see your son and kids and he can see his daughter and kids. You’re not joined at the hip.
He’s trying to blame the lack of relationship on you. Which it isn’t your fault.
Personally I think once a month is fine. My kids see my own parents maybe every 2-3 months and have a great relationship with them. They certainly don’t ‘barely know them’ and spend way less time with them. Good relationships are forged on quality time not quantity

And it's not just about time spent, it's about how much effort the grandparents make to engage the children. My DC are close to their grandparents but only see them every few months due to distance.

The thing about kids that young is that they're beautifully honest... No social filter.

If the kids aren't happy/excited to see one grandparent and they're happy/excited to see another grandparent, then yes, they probably don't have a close relationship with the first grandparent. That's on the grandparent to sort out, if they can be bothered.

But YANBU. These are not your grandchildren. This isn't really your problem.

I don’t get all this “GPs should pull out all the stops to see their GC x amount of times a week” or “It’s not fair My mum sees my sisters dc far more than mine”. It’s a two way street guys. The road to your parents/PIL home is no longer than their road is to yours.

My dc see their GP’s three times a week or three times every 3 months. They are still the GP’s who love them, regardless of how often they see them.

OP, you've been really honest and open to advice on this thread, and I respect that. Hopefully these replies digging more into the root causes of this problem are useful and helping you reflect (including that your first instinct, that your partner's daughter is being dramatic, are indeed unreasonable).

Your partner has a LOT of work to do on his relationship with his daughter, which may take years of investment and leaning in on his part. He's going to have to make the first move, and put the most work in, and as the parent, that's his responsibility. If he does invest in his daughter, persistently, even when he's rebuffed and amid inevitable ups and downs, he'll see returns in terms of meaningful relationships with his grandchildren and family especially as he moves into old age.

I would suggest that his daughter may be upset that your grandchildren call him Grandpa and see so much of him; while his actual grandchildren barely know him, and perhaps she places the blame at his feet for this (which is reasonable - she was a child when your partner set the rules in place for this relationship, by leaving her to live alone at 18).

But she's going to say no to that as long as she feels they barely know their grandfather. He needs to see them with her there.

OP, every post of yours is 'we'. You are doing plenty for your grandchildren, he isn't. There is it. He isn't but he's arrogant enough to think that instead of solving the problem himself, YOU need to drop your hours seeing grandchildren so that it's equal.

I'm sorry to say it but he sounds like an ignorant and potentially controlling man. Not someone who should be listened to either.

Please don't change what you're doing - your grandchildren are yours, not his, and when it comes down to it, he should be doing the same for his. If he doesn't then he doesn't.

From your updates I actually think he needs to forget about the GC for now and work on his relationship with his DD. I don't know how but time with GC won't improve until their relationship improves and that needs to be without you for now.

Her feelings for you are probably nothing to do with you personally, more the Grandma/Nanny they should have isn't here and she doesn't want anyone else to take that place

Really sad isn’t it?

I don't think she's being dramatic here.

She's only 24, with 3 kids. Her own mother has passed away, and her Dad hasn't really stepping in to fill the void and make sure she's supported. It's no wonder she has become closer with her in-laws.

My parents live about 30mins away. We see them multiple times a week, and my Dad (now retired) even comes and does school pick up one day a week and takes my eldest to theirs for his tea, and takes both kids to their swimming lessons another day. Even does it in the school holidays even though I don't need childcare help then - he just wants to spend time with the grandkids. I will also pop round with the kids at the weekend to catch-up with my parents and have a cuppa or a glass of wine.

Close relationships work both ways. Your partner needs to reach out more. She may be reluctant at first, but thats likely because she feels resentful at the moment... keep going and give her time. She is still very young, especially to have been through losing her mother.

YABU to say it’s dramatic.

If she feels hurt that less effort is made with her and her child than with someone else who her father’s not actually related to (or likewise another sibling) then that’s how she feels, and it’s not unreasonable. I think lots of people (if not most) would feel the same.

She might see you and her DF spending time with your family, and likewise see her partner’s parents making a lot of effort and showing real interest, and just feel – a bit sad about it? A perfectly normal and very human response imo.

If her DF wants to have a more involved relationship with his GKs and daughter, then that sounds great. Seems like a positive step that everyone concerned only stands to benefit from.

Why can't he make plans to go over at the weekends when he's off work? There's absolutely no reason why you have to be there with him!

Apparently he's a bus driver so that's unlikely to be an issue!

Sounds like she’s had a pretty tough time. I can see why she wants a routine and something more stable with her own children. I don’t think giving her children wholesome, fresh meals is anything to scoff at.

Like a previous poster said, I think it’s understandable she won’t give you the children to have overnight etc, doesn’t sound like they really know their granddad.

Husband needs to step up and see his grandkids if they are upset. 2 times per month is nothing. You shouldn't stop him! 20 minutes is nothing

@LindArt

What he wants is for me to give up time with my grandchildren so it's more even or go with him on the weekend

Well that's just bonkers! He's got a rubbish relationship with his grandchildren so you should have a rubbish relationship with yours! What a self centred wanker! Tell him to 'do one'

They're 20 minutes away not 20 hours away!

You are not seeing them enough.

This assumes the grandad drives

Telling you not to drop in unannounced is not a difficult rule. Mumsnet is divided on it, but for many people it's incredibly rude. Your partner moved out and left his teenage daughter who'd lost her mum, living in a council house without a parent at 18. Big red flag. Taking your own grandchildren when you go visit DSD - red flag. There's a lot to unpick here, but your partner has a lot of work to do to rebuild his relationship with his daughter, I'd say. Nothing to suggest she's being 'dramatic'. It doesn't reflect well on you that you asked this.

But surely she's saying no because to her kids you're practically strangers. You can't just jump in with over nights or having them on your own if they don't know you, especially when they are so little.

Has he actually had a conversation with his daughter about seeing them all more and how that can be achieved?

As the mother of an almost 18 year old I can't imagine if they'd lost one parent then moving out and leaving them alone when they were still a teenager