Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS suddenly refusing to go to nursery

59 replies

50Fifty · 19/04/2024 09:50

More a WWYD? Posting here as never get any replies in Parenting.

My 3 year old DS (4 in June) started nursery last August. 4 days a week, 8-1. He was going in fine and enjoying it until about 2 weeks ago. All of a sudden he doesn't want to go, cries, has tantrums and refuses to get dressed. When I ask him why he doesn't want to go all he says is, "nursery's boring". He says he doesn't like the toys and they don't have fun things to play with. I know this isn't true as the nursery post daily about what the kids have been doing - arts & crafts, experiments, playing in the garden, dress up, reading, playing educational games, etc.

He has a younger sibling who I'm at home with during the day. I don't know if he just wants to stay home and play with them or if there's a bigger issue. I've spoken to the nursery and they tell me he has great fun when he's there and don't have any concerns. He never raises anything with them either.

DH is adamant that we force him to go (not sure how that's possible), despite how distressed he gets about it. I'm 50/50. I agree that he has to learn that you can't always get/do what you want, but at the same time he's still very young and clearly upset. I don't want this becoming a bigger problem.

WWYD? If anyone has been in a similar situation I'd love to hear how you handled it.

OP posts:
Kazzybingbong · 22/04/2024 18:07

We had this issue on and off throughout nursery. She loved lockdown as she didn’t have to go. She started school the following September and again, every morning she didn’t want to go. We preserved until the end of year 2 until everything became too much. We now have an AuDHD diagnosis and home educate.

I wish I’d listened to her earlier. She wasn’t happy. School always said she was fine but my daughter says otherwise.

Emmz1510 · 22/04/2024 18:03

Given that the nursery are saying he is fine once he is there, (and you trust them and are happy with the quality of care presumably) I think I would just persevere by staying calm and positive. It’s not forcing him, but he needs to know that although you’ll listen and support him, this isn’t negotiable. Gently lead him or carry him if you have to. Is he upset when you leave and if so do how long does he take to settle?
Could he take a favourite toy or game into nursery with him? Not because you really believe the toys are boring but so he has a transition object that might help him settle.

My advice might be different if the nursery were saying he was upset while there.

Bluebellsparklypant · 22/04/2024 17:52

I would say with my DS that whenever he said something was boring it was actually that he was upset by something but couldn’t quite express it in another way. Keep asking in different ways and listening. Is there a time when his more chatty? Do you know any other parents to chat with quite often you can hear quite alot about a place on the grape vine. The do go through phases as well though don’t they

jackieHP · 22/04/2024 17:46

Have you spoken to your child’s key person at nursery? They might be able to shed some light on this. It’s a good idea to talk to nursery about how he’s feeling and they can work with you to get to the bottom of what’s upsetting him.

Original poster
50Fifty · 19/04/2024 18:25

Any other suggestions gratefully received.

OP posts:
Original poster
50Fifty · 19/04/2024 10:18

MojoMoon · 19/04/2024 10:01

Is he starting school in September?

Assuming he is, then the goal should be to make sure he is going into nursery regularly or the start of school will be hard.

It's possibly something like there is another child who doesn't want to play with him "so nursery is boring" or an activity he finds difficult so the "the toys are rubbish".

Does he feel jealous that younger sibling gets you alone? Do you get some one to one time with him?

Edited

No, he doesn't start school until next August. I don't think there's any jealousy around my time with his brother. There's only 20 months between them so they are close and play well together. I know he doesn't have any close friendships at nursery, which I'm told is normal at this age. He's only in nursery half days so we have a lot of time together in the afternoons and as a family at the weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
50Fifty · 19/04/2024 10:15

SnapdragonToadflax · 19/04/2024 09:55

Whenever my son occasionally did this, it was because something had upset him. It turned out there was a boy he was friends with who was quite violent in play and hurt him on a few occasions. (Wrestling, running into him, hitting him with things.) I managed to get it out of him by asking specific questions (did someone hurt you?) but it was difficult and mostly he just played up but said everything was fine.

The staff were surprised he was so upset because they said he didn't seem to be at the time (ice pack and off playing again) but kept a close eye and kept them separate, and after a few days he'd be fine again.

So I guess I would say ask questions. He might be feeling that Sunday night dread we get as adults, without knowing how to express it.

Thanks for your reply. There have been a couple of instances where another boy has scratched him but not for a while that I'm aware of. The nursery has children aged 2-5 all in the same room so he's one of the younger ones (although one of the tallest). I did ask him if anyone had hurt him and he said no. It's just weird that this reluctance started all of a sudden when he'd been happy to go before. I think there may well be a more valid reason than it being boring, just need to figure out what that is and what to do in the meantime.

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 19/04/2024 10:01

Is he starting school in September?

Assuming he is, then the goal should be to make sure he is going into nursery regularly or the start of school will be hard.

It's possibly something like there is another child who doesn't want to play with him "so nursery is boring" or an activity he finds difficult so the "the toys are rubbish".

Does he feel jealous that younger sibling gets you alone? Do you get some one to one time with him?

SnapdragonToadflax · 19/04/2024 09:55

Whenever my son occasionally did this, it was because something had upset him. It turned out there was a boy he was friends with who was quite violent in play and hurt him on a few occasions. (Wrestling, running into him, hitting him with things.) I managed to get it out of him by asking specific questions (did someone hurt you?) but it was difficult and mostly he just played up but said everything was fine.

The staff were surprised he was so upset because they said he didn't seem to be at the time (ice pack and off playing again) but kept a close eye and kept them separate, and after a few days he'd be fine again.

So I guess I would say ask questions. He might be feeling that Sunday night dread we get as adults, without knowing how to express it.