Ex becoming very awkward since the arrival of his new baby with new partner

Two things stood out to me in this thread: first that you described him as a good father when I can't see any evidence of that whatsoever. He simply has his child overnight once a week. I'm not sure how that makes him a good father. He barely sees the child and he left you when you had postnatal depression and a small baby. Those are not the actions of a decent and good man.

Second that the first reply to this thread was blaming another woman! No no no. This is him, he chooses his he behaves and this is what he's chosen.

What you need to do is focus on how awful this man is and stand up to him. I think the advice to get a court order and formalise things is wise. I know you want the flexibility, but you're better off having stability and certainty and being able to push back against his ridiculousness but remember, he's not a good man. He's not a decent person and he's not a good father and you need to work on that basis.

Protect yourself and your son, don't worry about the useless ex.

As far as I know if you.have PR you don't need permission to take your child away on holiday. I think you can apply for a special issue order (can't remember the name of it) to cover this off

I am guessing he is worried you will go to nz and not come back with his son.

I am someone who almost always sides with the woman but with step mothers it often seems to get complicated and they can be weirdly irrational (as can biological mothers about their child's step mothers). Of course, it is almost ALWAYS because the man involved is a bit of a dick. And I wonder if this is what is happening here.

I'd start by formalising arrangements with him for normal. If he's going to be arsey about changing things, then stop asking and agree it is cast in stone. No flex on either side. Bloody annoying in my opinion but there you go.

Re the holiday, I can easily imagine that he's whining to her about you spending money, and probably lots of whining about how you don't let him see the child more often (that one is a common one - new girlfriend arrives and suddenly he wants to be dad of the year) so this trip has to be used to back that up, "see, she keeps me from him and now I won't even get my 1 measly day a week she lets me have".

He really is being ridiculous. I'd ask him if he really thinks taking away this amazing opportunity from your DS is being a good parent.

I don't know what the rules are for New Zealand. As a rule, only countries that specify parental permission will ask you for a letter from him. The big risk is that if he decides he doesn't want you to take her, and he's not too lazy, he can alert authorities ahead of time and have you stopped.

Oh, and this is pretty classic controlling behaviour. I've seen it 1000 times in real life and on MN. "How dare you have a life. I will NOT give permission for you to leave the coutnry with MY child."

You don't need his permission to leave the county for a holiday. He has to get a court order to stop you

He clearly doesn't see his child enough but that's another issue for you but switching days is probably difficult or made difficult by his new partner because of routine for the new baby

Him being difficult about the holiday is jealousy and a power play after all he was supposed to go with you but he can't have his cake and eat it too

Leads me to my next point that now you've moved on with someone that's rubbing him up the wrong way he doesn't want you but no one else can meanwhile he can get a house and a baby with someone else. Again another power play in his mind

As for the CAO tread carefully because only YOU can be held accountable. The courts can say he has his child on this day and this night and half the holidays or whatever is seconded but if he doesn't want to have his child, or wants to go on holiday, or doesn't turn up there are NO REPERCUSSIONS for him but on the other hand if you don't let him see your child on his set dates and times such as your child wanted to go over to a friends house then YOU get penalised. You have to have valid reasons like child was unwell and proof like a doctors appointment etc. so be careful he can rack up the times you swop days aswel as evidence to be used against you and get you fined and apprently jailed but that's very very very unlikely

I thought this too. He's realising how much work a 2 month old is and he can't deal with any guilt (plus you're getting on with life) so anger it is instead.

On the arrangements for when he has DS, assume there is no flexibility going forward and plan for that. Can work give you set shifts so you don't need ex to look after your DS? Can anyone else help out when you have a shift change?

The holiday to NZ is entirely reasonable, don't let yourself start doubting that!

His partner is at home being a cranky cow because she’s full of hormones and suddenly realised that he shares the same happiness and emotions she’s feeling right now with another woman and child. So every bit of give he gives you, every adaptation, every day switch he does to help you out, pisses her off because to her mind he’s putting you high up the priority list.

and you’ve got a new man in your life who he is thinking is going to run around with your kid and be a dad figure to him and his jealous. until now he had an ex mourning him and firmly in her place and baby AND a new woman firmly in her place. He was the king and his balls were swinging large and proudly. Suddenly youve moved on. You’ve got over him. You’ve changed the status quo and the rules. He’s trying to take back control.

Either make a big last ditch attempt to befriend his wife and say you’d so love to have a lovely blended life for the kids and to just get along. And make clear your new bf will not be coming on the trip. If it fails the go legal. If it succeeds great! OR go legal immediately.

I get that he’s an utter twat and don’t dispute it but I think you have two separate issues here and on one you are being unreasonable and on the other you are not.

While it’s great that he has been flexible up to now when you’ve switched access days; I don’t think that is a reasonable expectation and I can see that it might not be working for them now they have a new baby. I think you need to approach work and do whatever you need to so he can have access reliably. He needs to acknowledge and agree that if you lose that flexibility then so does he and he must undertake not to change days himself.

He is being unreasonable not to permit you take your son out of the country for a two week holiday given you are not a flight risk and your son is over 2 years old. Have you put it to him that he may wish to take your shared son on holidays in the future too? Suggest you both write a signed and dated letter giving permission for the other travel overseas with the child for trips of a maximum duration of 17 days for holiday purposes.

I suspect it is largely envy and spite because you are going the amazing trip he would have been on…if he hadn’t walked away from his wife two months after the birth of their first baby and shagged someone else …

Agree with this. Life may not be as rosey as you think. Especially now they’ve had a baby, as during the initial start up of their relationship, he probably enjoyed the care free, child free excitement of it all. Now a baby has come along, he might see that the grass isn’t necessarily greener, and he has the extra drama of juggling two families financially and physically.

Get a lives with order via CAO so you don't need permission for your holidays.

I'd also ask him if he'd like to increase regular contact with DS as he'd like to foster the sibling relationship.

Presumably he didn't even ask to have extra contact either side of the holiday to "make up" for missed contact 🙄

I think this is really common when people are in new relationships/new families - because now there are other people to consider, so changes to contact time affect them too.

Let's not bother with the reverse @Theredjellybean eh? Let's concentrate on advising the woman who was left with a 2 month old baby by herself after a difficult birth, who was struggling, by a man who immediately moved on and got another woman pregnant. Not forgetting he has his 2 year old to stay over just once a week.

I would stick to a routine contact wise, but only for the sake of the little one. The younger you start the routine the better OP. Thing is, now he has started being difficult, because you have a new partner and are doing well for yourself, he will continue to be awkward. Get something regarding contact and holidays rubber stamped so he can't mess his son about or stop him from having amazing experiences (holiday to NZ) out of spite. It's a shame, but needs to be done.
Good luck @AndOnAndOnItGoes , you sound incredible amd your little boy is lucky to have a mum like you.

I'd be inclined to think that he's jealous of you.

He left you when your baby was a newborn and set up home with his new woman, who became pregnant quickly. Now he has a newborn again, just as you're planning a fabulous trip that he was meant to go on.

My ex became very awkward after his wife became pregnant. He refused to collect the children from school (court ordered) then stopped seeing them all together. He eventually returned but with a watered down version of his court order, so wanted 24 hours a fortnight, only two weeks holidays and basically left the rest to me.
When I got married he told me he never wanted to see me again despite him being married with a new family.

So id say the whole situation is around you moving on and the change in his personal life.
I'd suggest some mediation if he agreed

Plus I think if this was a reverse and the OP was the new partner in the scenario saying..
" I've just had my first baby and my dp's ex wants to keep changing the night his toddler stays with us to suit her ..."

They'd be a lot of comments saying that is unreasonable and get a CAO etc

@AndOnAndOnItGoes

Its more about the change in him though, I've no idea why he's suddenly being an A hole about things...

The fact that he immediately moved on from you and got himself another woman who he swiftly got pregnant doesn't mean he's happy with YOU moving on with another man. He's being a dog in a manger..

Also - you re planning on enjoying a trip to NZ which the two of you discussed when he was still with you - has he visited since?

He's got the life he wanted but doesn't want you to have the same.. 🌹

Agree with the sentiment he is being a twat over the holidays...it's two weeks not a bloody year.
But not wanting to be accommodating over chopping and changing contact days I have sympathy for.
He has a new baby in his house, his new partner is a new mum...maybe having a 2 yr old at random times is too much for her.
Maybe she has pnd, is struggling etc...not the OPs responsibility but I think he is not being unreasonable to now need a set routine

Agree with other posters. It’s because you are flourishing whilst he is back in the hard work of a new baby.

Personally I’d formalise it, because at any point he could change his mind or refuse. Why have that worry and stress?

Are you wanting to be beholden to him for every future holiday?

He hasn’t shown himself as someone you can trust or rely on to be reasonable. He left you in the thick of it and now wants to stop the holiday he planned with you.

You cannot trust he would change his mind right before your holiday.

Therefore, do not give this man power over your life.

At some point you may wish to settle down and also have another child in the future. Are you expected to never see your family abroad?

Get it formalised and have a wonderful holiday.

You deserve it and so does your child.

Well done on being a single mum in that situation too. It can’t have been easy.

Being concerned about not seeing your child for 2 weeks isn’t being awkward or difficult.
Not wanting to chop and change contact nights at the whim of the other parent isn’t being awkward or difficult.
It is more than reasonable to have a set day / days for child arrangements, and it is more than reasonable to be upset at the thought of not seeing your child for 2 weeks.
I would suggest that you try to come to a compromise regarding the holiday. For example, if you’re going Saturday to Saturday, he has his dc on the Thursday and Friday immediately before you go, then on the Sunday and Monday after you return. Regarding swapping the contact days when you’re working - it’s absolutely fine for him to not want to do this. If it went to court, they would likely award a set night in his favour.

I think not texting apart from.necessary texts is fine.
I'd remind him it's a two way street and at some.point he might want to go on holiday with his son and need your letter. For what it's worth I have never ever been asked for the letter when going to America, dont know if more officious in nz. I took our dc recently and ex dp gave me those i tags to put on them when we went as he was worried they'd be kidnapped or lost! I was happy to do that to make him feel better. I'd probably be the same if it was him taking them!

You have started seeing someone new and are flourishing. He doesn't like that.
Go to court and formalise things as this will continue. Do not give this 'man' any power over you.

I'm really surprised at how many people are suggesting court and a CAO. Unless I've been unlucky, the whole experience is awful!

You'll still need permission for the holiday as it will impact his contact. Legally you will have to make ds available for contact, but he doesn't have to turn up. It feels to me like my life is controlled by a legally binding order for 14 years, whereas he can do what he likes.

It won't do anything for your coparenting relationship, and there's zero flexibility in the order for your shifts changing.

You'll have to go to mediation first and personally I would try very hard to work it all out there. Court should be a last resort.