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Original poster

Ex becoming very awkward since the arrival of his new baby with new partner

135 replies

AndOnAndOnItGoes · 19/04/2024 00:29

My ex and I share our little boy who turns 2 this Sunday. Ex left us when our little one was 2 months old. He does see DC regularly and is a good father, engaged, pays maintenence etc however him and I have a strained relationship, we barely see/speak to one another bar necessary texts re our son. He has our son overnight once a week; collects him from nursery on a Tuesday and drops him back off on a Wednesday. Things were bumping along with not too much bother as it was an easy enough arrangement between us re contact. However he had a baby in February with the woman that he started seeing either while he was still with me or just after he left and since this baby was born a couple of months ago, he has become noticeably more awkward with me in regards to our son.

One issue is that my brother lives in New Zealand, and has done for around 9 years. I've not seen him since before covid. Ex and i when we were still together were going to go out to NZ in 2019 for a month, we had it all planned, dream holiday etc, however covid struck so that was put on hold. Anyway, the plan now is that me, my little one, my mum and dad and my aunt all go to NZ for 2 weeks in November, to visit my brother, let him meet the little one etc. Looking into things, it seems that I should get a letter of authorisation from ex, to take our child abroad. So I sent him a message asking him for this however he is refusing to provide it. Asking for information on the trip, ie dates etc, which I've given him however he refuses to privide said letter and seems really angry that i want to take DS to NZ, saying that itll tske time away from him having DS. Which i would make up either before we went or when we got back. He has also started to get arsey with any changes to contact ie if I need him to take DS on a Thursday night instead of Tuesday for work/shifts.. He used to be absolutely fine with this however has recently been so awkward about it.

He did find out that I had started seeing someone recently however I can't imagine it's that that's bothering him as he's moved on with this woman, they're obviously happy as they've been together nearly 2 years, bought a house, just had a baby etc. Him finding out about my new partner was around the same time that I mentioned the holiday, I don't know if that's what has got him mad?

I have this gut feeling that coparenting is about to become quite tough with him.

Has anyone had an OK coparenting arrangement with an ex and it all suddenly turned to shit after changes in their respective circumstances? I'm genuinely stumped as to why he's suddenly changed from being easy oozy about things like flexibility with contact to being a dick. He's all nicey nicey in texts ie I had the flu a couple of weeks ago and he's saying he's saying sorry to hear I'm unwell, hope I'm feeling better soon, to refusing to change contact days as a one off and basically refusing me permission to take our son abroad for a two week holiday. Do men just become like this once they move on with a new family/children etc? It's very frustrating and ultimately its our DS who is going to lose ie spending time with his uncle etc.

OP posts:
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TimTamTime · 28/10/2024 10:34

Have a great trip! I recommend the TimTams (awesome chocolate biscuit)

mamajong · 28/10/2024 09:45

Putting aside everything but the logistics, having fixed contact dates is probably going to be easier for everyone in the long term, as changing contact to accommodate shifts is east when it's just him, but will obviously be harder now that he has other commitments.

We have a status quo for contact, we can be flexible if we both agree, with priority given to the longstanding arrangement if we can't, so I think it's fine to ask him to change days but he should also be able to say no if its not convenient.

WRT to the holiday, if he continues to refuse you can get a court order specifically for the holiday which they'll only refuse if he has legitimate concerns (ie he can prove you're a flight risk), but in my experience, if you can put personal feelings aside and be civil it will be easier in the long run.

If you really can't, maybe look into mediation to help draft a reasonable and fair contact arrangement

Original poster
AndOnAndOnItGoes · 27/10/2024 18:34

Moveoverdarlin · 27/10/2024 11:35

Crikey, so he’s got two babies under two with two different women? What a guy!

What a guy indeed! He's vile. He and the new woman who thought it was a good idea getting with a brand new father to a tiny baby are clearly suited, moral wise.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 27/10/2024 11:35

Crikey, so he’s got two babies under two with two different women? What a guy!

BarMonaco · 27/10/2024 11:32

AndOnAndOnItGoes · 27/10/2024 07:39

I hope he is bitter, he left me in the shit with a pretty much newborn baby, went off sowing his seed and got her pregant after a few months of being with her, hopefully he is bitter! While I'm doing much better than the mess that I was in those early days.

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Well done for coping. It must have been hard, but it sounds like you've done well.

He buggered off with another woman when you had a new baby. I'm guessing now he has another small baby he's not finding life with the new woman a fun escape any more and is resentful you've moved on with someone else. Maybe wishing he was still going to NZ with you. Tough!

EarthyMamma · 27/10/2024 11:19

I am so glad that you can go to New Zealand without the worry of being challenged by the authorities.

What an idiot your ex is! The upside of him leaving is that You have been through such a dreadful situation and are now in a good place, with a much loved child and a loving family.

Enjoy every moment of your holiday and remind yourself that it is so much better without that unbelievably cruel man.

Pussycat22 · 27/10/2024 09:23

I'm afraid you can't argue with stupid! Lots of good advice on here.x

Original poster
AndOnAndOnItGoes · 27/10/2024 09:13

TheGreatScotchEggControversy · 27/10/2024 08:02

Sorry if I've missed it. Is he on the birth certificate.

You are doing the right thing getting permission, regardless of what people say on here you do need it if he is on the birth certificate/been given PR. 99% of the time you won't be asked to show it but when you need it you need it!

He is on the birth certificate. I'll take the birth cert along with me and the letter of permission that he has now been so generous in giving....

OP posts:
TheGreatScotchEggControversy · 27/10/2024 08:02

Sorry if I've missed it. Is he on the birth certificate.

You are doing the right thing getting permission, regardless of what people say on here you do need it if he is on the birth certificate/been given PR. 99% of the time you won't be asked to show it but when you need it you need it!

Diarygirlqueen · 27/10/2024 07:54

Great to hear this! I hope you have an amazing trip and your life continues to get better. I hope his doesn't.

Woodworm2020 · 27/10/2024 07:46

AndOnAndOnItGoes · 27/10/2024 07:39

I hope he is bitter, he left me in the shit with a pretty much newborn baby, went off sowing his seed and got her pregant after a few months of being with her, hopefully he is bitter! While I'm doing much better than the mess that I was in those early days.

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Of course, that I should I have added. He fully deserves this and you fully deserve an amazing trip. I can’t imagine how hard this must have been for you OP. Xx

Original poster
AndOnAndOnItGoes · 27/10/2024 07:39

Woodworm2020 · 27/10/2024 07:36

I was thinking he is probably feeling bitter that you’ve got through the baby stage and now in a position to take DC off on (an amazing) family holiday whereas he is back to square one. He’s of course deny it, but he is probably subconsciously being very bitter!

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I hope he is bitter, he left me in the shit with a pretty much newborn baby, went off sowing his seed and got her pregant after a few months of being with her, hopefully he is bitter! While I'm doing much better than the mess that I was in those early days.

OP posts:
Woodworm2020 · 27/10/2024 07:36

AndOnAndOnItGoes · 26/10/2024 20:37

I've no idea to be honest. To me, it seems like he's bitter that we're going to NZ hence why he's very begrudgingly given us his permission to go. I've no idea what he's thinking though. He's a strange one.

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I was thinking he is probably feeling bitter that you’ve got through the baby stage and now in a position to take DC off on (an amazing) family holiday whereas he is back to square one. He’s of course deny it, but he is probably subconsciously being very bitter!

Mickey79 · 26/10/2024 20:48

It’s the change in circumstances. He has a new baby, they’ll both be knackered and probably want set days for the overnight stay as they try to establish a routine. Very common for the other parent to be obstructive about holidays, happens a lot. Formalising contact etc for the future will solve that problem.

Original poster
AndOnAndOnItGoes · 26/10/2024 20:37

Woodworm2020 · 26/10/2024 20:23

Could this inflexibility be because he has just another baby? Life has been turned upside down for him again? Doesn’t necessarily explain why he doesn’t want DC to go to NZ though…

I've no idea to be honest. To me, it seems like he's bitter that we're going to NZ hence why he's very begrudgingly given us his permission to go. I've no idea what he's thinking though. He's a strange one.

OP posts:
Woodworm2020 · 26/10/2024 20:23

Could this inflexibility be because he has just another baby? Life has been turned upside down for him again? Doesn’t necessarily explain why he doesn’t want DC to go to NZ though…

Original poster
AndOnAndOnItGoes · 26/10/2024 20:03

He decided to provide the letter of authorisation a few days ago after me asking numerous times then eventually telling him to stuff it and I'd arrange something else. He clearly wasn't happy to do so and wanted me hanging on for ages for it. Oh well.

OP posts:
yesmen · 21/10/2024 03:07

Goldbar · 19/04/2024 05:08

It would be nice to think that he'd seen the error of his ways, but people often don't change, so I'm going to offer an alternative view. Clearly for your ex, when the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table (can't remember exactly where that's from but it fits the bill here). And the lustre is probably wearing off his "shiny" new baby, just like it did with his first DC, and he's beginning to feel trapped again. Who knows, he may be gearing up for another walkout?

And then he looks at you and your child is easier and older, you're past the most stressful stage and you seem to have your life together again (no thanks to him). This may be unsettling for him, given he may be feeling "trapped" in the hell of small baby land again, so he's trying to make things difficult for you.

Personally I'd apply for the order so you're not at his mercy.

I think this is it.

You are coming out of that very early stage, planning his amazing trip with his dc instead, you have now "left" him and are fine without him.

No doubt he will also have pangs of guilt realizing fully (now) what he did to you. But he will have to make you be the bad one the ease his guilt.

Formalize all of it. Including the money. You should get as much as you can. It is not for your son; it is owed to your son to compensate slightly for the shit father he has.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/10/2024 02:55

AndOnAndOnItGoes · 19/04/2024 00:53

I'm not sure what a CAO is but would it allow me to take my son on holiday without ex's say so? The last thing I want is to formalise things as it was working out well if I had a late shift one day, he would change days. But it seems like he's going to start being an arse so I may need to formalise things, as much as it will inconvenience me.

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You can get a specific issue order for the holiday. That's probably quicker to sort than a Child Arrangments Order which should start by going to mediation and trying to agree before maybe needing to go to court. You could get holiday provisions written into a CAO for later though. Like either parent can take DS aborad/on holiday for X amount of time once a year or whatever you both agree on.

Bangwam1 · 21/10/2024 02:48

By the way, he will do the same thing to this woman who has just had his child, regarding the probable cheating and leaving. Guarantee it

Bangwam1 · 21/10/2024 02:45

He’s a typical narcy narc who is bored with his new baby mom already and wants you under his control, still have access to you for potential hoovering back up. He is concerned that you could like nz and maybe want to move there. It’s not about his care for his child, it’s about controlling his possessions, you and your son.

He had to play doting dad for a while, appearances matter but now his priorities are playing picture perfect with his new child.

MeTooOverHere · 21/10/2024 02:30

Codlingmoths · 19/04/2024 02:56

Hmm yes. He’s a dick. I’d text him I’ve noticed you’ve decided not to be flexible anymore with my shifts etc. I understand you didn’t have to, but it was very helpful as a single mum who needs my job. I am going to apply for a child arrangement order to get legal permission for my nz trip, I assume you’ll get some notification.

maybe now he has another one he realises only assholes walk out on their partner when they have a two month old, and his channeling all his guilt into being angry at you. Maybe you should add to your message ‘say hi to <new gf> for me and remind her that when <baby> was this old you walked out on us and left me to it with our 2 month old. That was a really shit time. Please stop being so shit. I’ll be taking our baby that I brought up pretty much on my own to nz to meet my family, you should concentrate on not walking out on baby 2 too instead of continuing to be a dick to me.

ok you shouldn’t write that but wow it would be hard to resist.

Maybe you should add to your message
"Say hi to <new gf> for me, I remember how hard it was for me when <baby> was this old and I had PPD and still recovering from traumatic birth. I hope you're being a good hubby and great father because she really needs you now."

hotdog5858 · 12/06/2024 19:48

he's moved on with this woman, they're obviously happy as they've been together nearly 2 years, bought a house, just had a baby etc.

my brother was in a 10 year + relationship with a lovely woman (SIL) that we both knew from childhood and they had a house and dogs together. Unfortunately SIL couldn't have DC but were trying and looking at options. He followed his pants and cheated with a younger woman from work. SIL kicked him out. Other woman came off birth control and got pregnant within 6 months. She has since admitted she did it on purpose as she knew he had wanted a child so much (with SIL). After she got pregnant he felt he couldnt leave OW as he had fucked up with SIL and his friends and family were so annoyed at him for hurting SIL, so OW was his only safe place. We all tolerate OW but nobody actually likes her and we have no respect for my brother or his stupid life choices. From the outside it would look like he left SIL and finally got his happy ever after, whereas I know he regrets his choices (not DC) every day. He lost most of his friend group, our family were angry with him and his reputation was fucked. Now OW makes his life hell and doesnt trust him. She used to stop him going to friends and family parties if SIL was attending as she was terrified he would go back to her. He barely knew her when they got together (just that she was fun, happy and didnt have mood swings from IVF injections) but now he realises they have nothing in common. SIL is now happily remarried and has adopted. We see her regularly. I would think your ex's position may be similar. You see what they show you. Also I imagine having a newborn she may now feel guilt at having done that to you at that stage. And worry that he may cheat and leave her now, as he did to you. All the things he said to her about your relationship at that time may now be true of theirs (no sex, tired, baby coming first etc).

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 12/06/2024 16:43

Goldbar · 19/04/2024 05:24

I think making it clear that if he torpedoes your holiday you will be dropping DS off at his house might focus his mind.

Haha do this!

OP, it is 100% knowing you have a new man that has set him off. Men are possessive and have double standards.

Drapion · 20/04/2024 21:05

I think I would get a court order specifically for holidays. I have a court order allowing me to take my child on holiday for 28 days. I take a notarised copy of those documents and my child's birth certificates and mine. No need for a letter then. A judge will grant you this pretty much straight away even if he objects as it isn't reasonable or in the interests of the child. Unless you have a history of child abduction which I'm presuming that you don't!

Though I've never been asked for them in Europe.