Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

You may not be jealous, Op, but I think your 6th sense is warning you off trusting this woman too much, and probably your DH feels the same discomfort.

I think you're right to try and distance yourselves.

We’ve had to say no

OP isn't controlling her partner.

The OP isn't refusing to give her a lift, she is controlling what DP does, lucky man!

I wouldn’t commit to a daily lift for my ungrateful neighbour. She seems very direct with her needs it might be time to be equally direct. Her childcare / transport are not your responsibility - point that out to her. I would say for the next 4 weeks you’ll support to allow her time to make other more sustainable arrangements but that’s it outside of reciprocal childcare emergencies, back to being good neighbours but not a complete support network - you’re not family / friends.

Whilst it may seem petty, there's no way I would give a lift to anyone on a daily basis. I like to listen to shite music, eat my breakfast in the car and enjoy the peace. Its my time to gear myself up for the shift ahead of me.

It does make a difference though. It is nice to be able to drive by yourself without having to make conversation, having to wait for/collect someone else, etc. An occasional lift is fine, but not an obligation for daily lifts, unless it is some sort of office mate arrangement where everyone takes turns driving colleagues in their car.

Now she’s called you names you have the perfect excuse to stop all lifts etc. no way would I be helping out someone who insulted me like that. She must think you’re both total push overs

This, well done for being so supportive so far. It's unfair of your neighbour to expect to latch on to your family. I would have a chat with her and say as much as youve been happy to help her out it's now beginning feel like an extra worry over and above your own family responsibilities. I'd reassure her it's nothing personal then I'd wish her all the best in future relationships.

It's the fact that she won't share petrol costs and knows that you want to drop her school run...she then has the sheer audacity to turn on you instead of being grateful and offering money/offering to maybe take your kids for a few hours or something that just blows my mind. The sheet entitlement is shocking.

Some of the responses on here are hilarious... there was a post on here a few weeks ago from a woman who'd got into this exact situation of having to give someone a lift to and from work everyday, and it was wearing her down, couldn't do anything spontaneous after work etc. All the responses were the exact opposite of the majority here - the woman expecting the lift was a CF, stop doing it. Don't know why this poster is getting such a hard time about it, especially as the person getting the lift seems very entitled about it.

No, OP and her husband have a right to say no. I started giving lifts and it becomes the norm or expected. Why should I have to pay the petrol, take extra time waiting and not being able to enjoy a trip on my own to work. The person I gave lifts to stank my car out every morning with perfume and I couldn't even have a proper vape before work or my last few minutes of peace and quiet.

“Hi neighbour. I feel like we need to clear the air. To be clear, we want to help you and are happy to give you favours from time to time. Being completely reliant on us for all transport though is placing quite a heavy burden of responsibility, and limits our freedom and flexibility quite a lot. I hope you understand that? If you can make your own arrangements for the majority of time, we can help you out in emergencies if plans fall through, as I know you would do for us. No hard feelings?”

And if you’re happy to compromise on the work commute (for environmental reasons if nothing else) maybe lay out some boundaries, for example:

”My DH can give you a lift in the morning if you are happy to contribute to the petrol. It seems fair that we all benefit from the shared arrangement. He can’t give you a lift home unfortunately because he needs flexibility at the end of the day.”

I mean, she sounds a pain but… is your DH really going to drive by her as she waits at the bus stop in the pouring rain or the bus is cancelled etc etc. it’s going to make him feel like shit. If he can cope with that, then fair play to him.

YANBU! I didn't get my driving license and a car until I was nearly 29. I was a single parent then. If someone was kind enough to offer me a lift, I would always immediately give petrol money and pay parking for them if we were going somewhere with paid parking (they didn't ask me). I made sure I took a job that was accessible with public transport, or a within walking/cycling distance. Likewise with my DC's childcare. Otherwise, I walked/cycled/took public transport everywhere, and planned my life accordingly. I never presumed I would get a lift. I now have my own car, and I do offer lifts to colleagues (I'll often give a shout out if anyone wants a lift home), but they never assume that I can/will do this all the time. Often when I'm driving home, I pop in the shop or have to run errands. Other times, I am using that time to decompress/listen to music. Sometimes, I cycle rather than taking the car.

When I was still with XH, he'd often go AWOL at the 11th hour and leave me in the lurch with the DC: even though I had childcare, it didn't cover the early starts/late finishes of my shifts and I needed XH to do drop off/pick up. I was the breadwinner and his antics really risked me getting disciplinaries at work - thank goodness I didn't, but it was bloody stressful. My wonderful friends would often step up and help me out with the DC. I was so appreciative and thankful to them (understatement!). And I would always reciprocate with helping them out as much as I could, whenever I could. But that's a two way thing, my friends and I help each other. I get OP's neighbour has had a really hard time, but OP and her DH have already been very kind and helpful to her already.

It's the entitled and rude behaviour of OP's neighbour that would really piss me off (and put me off helping). She's a rude CF to have showed up at your house insulting you like that! I hope she realises this and apologises to you and your DH. I'm sure a PP mentioned it but a few months back, I remember a thread about a CF who was getting lifts with a poster to work and being a nightmare in the car (tuna fish sandwiches stinking out the car etc). I seem to remember loads of people telling her to assert her boundaries and stop the lifts - this is what OP and her DH are doing.

You don’t have to act like her parents.

I find I’m more than happy to help out people I like and rather resentful of helping out people I don’t like, so I don’t. Yes that means we often don’t lift share the kids when we could, but I’d rather both of us be inconvenienced than me be mugged off by the entitled attitude. I expect you feel exactly the same.

It does seem petty in one way. Thing is, you offered to do these things in the first place, but have now decided it irks you that she is spending that time with your DP. (I bet you he had told her 😊>with this face, “oh it’s ok I don’t mind).
So you are the bad guy.

You took on a lot to begin with which was kind of you, I’d find doing the school run for someone else hard. I’ve done it in emergencies, but made it clear we get up late sometimes, early, I nip out, we work flexi, have last minute leave etc. So it’s clear it’s a favour, a one off.

I wouldn’t want to give her lifts either. In the short term, to get her on her feet then yes, but not indefinitely. Days off, if you run late yourself, or want to leave early grab a breakfast, leave early - whatever, you can’t because you’re tied to her.

What does she do for you?

to the argument that your DP would be going anyway - 'yes, but he'd be able to be on his own and wouldn't have the awkwardness of having someone else in the car.'

Honestly OP, I think your line about adopting says it all. 'we wanted to help but we didn't agree to adopt you, you need to sort your own life out like everyone else.'

But I would keep an eye on the kids and do what I could to make their lives less shit, ensuring that she knew that it was a favour to them so that they weren't disadvantaged by having feckless parents, rather than a favour (or worse, duty) to her.

I think it’s a bit petty given your partner is driving there anyway.

Personally I wouldn’t give a lift, because it’s every work day. I once gave a lift for a year and she was late every single day!!
Furious if I didn’t wait for her. Didn’t like me listening to my own music/podcast/audiobook etc. Wanted to talk to me! My car is my alone time.
Would never give a lift again. They stop being appreciative and just expect.

I don’t think it’s ridiculous given the back story. Its not a ‘lift share’ it’s one person taking free lifts for herself and her child and giving nothing in return.

She has stated she shouldn’t have to pay petrol money and it sounds like she doesn’t give anything to ‘return the favour’.

Life is too short to allow people to walk all over you and take the piss out. (In my opinion)

"told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty"

After this, I'd be very strict, no more lifts, no more school pick ups, drop offs, she basically no longer exists in your lives.

She has abused your kindness. She's taken it too far. Fuck her now, she's on her own.

@Justablueone

My question is why is she laying the blame for this at your door? Your DH is the one who is telling her no more lifts, she should be telling him that he's 'hostile, unkind, and petty'. Unless he's told her that he would be fine with it and that you are the one putting the kibosh on him giving her lifts. I'd be pissed if my DH used me as an excuse instead of taking responsibility for the decision.

If this isn't the case, then I'd wonder why she thinks it's all my fault. And the only thing I can come up with as a rationale would be if she thinks you're jealous of her. And why would that be unless she thinks/imagines your DH is 'interested'. This woman is only 8 months out of a DV relationship and may be emotionally vulnerable. I wouldn't want my DH (or any man) in a position where a woman may have developed some sort of a 'rebound crush' on him, even if it's an entirely innocent one. Not because I felt he would cheat, but because it would be very uncomfortable for him and eventually for her. And may lead to some sort of unpleasantness.

100% not your problem.

Please don’t get sucked into this rabbit hole of feeling responsible for another persons life. You have done more than enough to help her.

Id move house

This! They would be the very last people to do it for others, were the boot on the other foot. But hey, much easier to dictate to others what THEY should be doing whilst not practising what you preach.