Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

Other things are different and you have the right to refuse to do anything that overly puts you out.

No, they have the right to refuse anything, full stop. Who are you to tell OP/her DH that they can only refuse to do anything that overly puts them out?

Do you think you sound kind right now? Because to me you sound entitled and rude for having the presumption to qualify OP’s rights.

@Justablueone CFery of the highest order - of course your partner should continue to say no. If I were him I’d leave the house 15 mins early or change shifts, or both. Do not let this woman breach your boundaries

For all the posters suggesting that the OP and her partner are being petty, why don’t you take this CFer to work?

Getting landed with giving people lifts is a PITA. I agree with the poster who says that driving to work is their time. I got stuck with giving someone a lift regularly andI really resented it because they took away my ‘head time’ and I didn’t want to be forced into conversation first thing every morning.
OP’s neighbour is a cheeky sod and should see to her own travel arrangements.

I agree. It wouldn't bother me and some people find it pleasant to have company on a journey. My husband gave another chap a lift to and from work for years until the chap and his wife moved away. We've all remained friends.

Surely we are meant to give each other a helping hand; in the case of the lift to and from work, op, it doesn't sound as though the helping hand causes inconvenience, ie your husband doesn't have to drive out of his way to accommodate your neighbour. Other things are different and you have the right to refuse to do anything that overly puts you out.

I thought OP was being a bit mean until reading the reply about paying about petrol money.
OP has obviously had enough of someone who is generally a CF, and fair play to her and her DH

Normally on AIBU, if you started a thread you’d get plenty of support putting boundaries in place. But I’m surprised at the number of people on this thread who seem to think OP’s BU. So maybe try Relationships instead? I’m sure you’d get a helpful response.

As a first step, I would practice some phrase that is pretty much Pheobe’s Friends response of “Oh I would, but I don’t want to.”

Maybe “Oh, sorry. It’s my day off and I don’t really want to spend it helping you do your chores.”

OP and DH aren’t her parents. They don’t have any responsibility for ensuring she gets to work or for molding her into a responsible and self-sufficient adult who treats generous acts with the gratitude they deserve. In fact it’s pretty infantilising. She’s an autonomous adult, it’s really not their place to tell her what values she ought to have.

It is reasonable and perfectly fine for them to simply put their boundaries in place based on her treatment of them and let her work it out for herself and decide how to alter her world view and behaviour, or not, to get what she wants out of life.

I totally get why you are annoyed. You are a kind person who offered to help in an hour of need. That on going need to think of someone else when planning your schedule would put my head away. What if plans change and then you need to think of the impact on a neighbour. You are totally not being unreasonable. I have fab neighbours for the hour in need, but not constant need.

Honestly, I think you and your DP need to sit her down and talk to her about her entitlement. Has she contributed to your petrol and insurance? Bet that hasn’t occurred to her. I think you need to explain that you do not exist to facilitate her kids education or her employment. She needs to start paying her way (the best way to get rid of CFs imo) Since she treats you as a rideshare, she can pay you half of what an Uber (or a taxi - you choose) would cost since you are going that way anyway. “it’s £X each way to school and £Y each way for work.” You expect to be paid in advance for each week by Sunday 6pm or you will assume that she has chosen her own transport for the rest of the week. You will not be picking up groceries or parcels or doing airport runs. This offer is only for six weeks/month/term (whatever) until she can either get herself sorted for transport or adjust her lifestyle to suit accordingly - ie move.

https://www.mumsnet.com/assets/images/mumsnet-emojis/base/grin.png

how do I add this emoji?? What’s the shortcut? It’s the mn’s grin!

I think you have a right to privacy in your own car. I love my car journeys to myself. Being able to listen to a podcast or sing along to whatever music. I’m with you op. It’s not your/dp responsibility to take her to work.

This

I agree.

My neighbour's husband was in hospital with severe dementia. This was just after my own husband had died. I felt sorry for her, because I knew what she was going through.

He son had had his car crushed - driving without an MOT and insurance.

I volunteered to take her to and from hospital, since the bus journey was so long and I wasn't working at the time.

I also took her to the undertaker when the time came. The problem was that she also wanted me to go into the appointment with her. She didn't want her sons there. I didn't want another visit to an undertaker so soon after my husband's funeral, but felt I couldn't refuse.

Then she needed to go into hospital in a hurry. I took her..but she wanted me at the appointment with her. I said one of her sons could go. No.

I finished up taking her and her two boys

I gradually managed to pull back, but I still get phone calls wanting lifts from time to time. They usually start off with "What are you doing today...?"

The last time was a trip to the dentist.

I've realised that when she was asking me about my work recently (I returned to supply teaching) she was actually checking which days I was free...

I'm not mean. I'm really not. She's not a poor old woman with no resources. Now that her husband has died, she's financially well off and can well afford taxis.

I need to keep my distance, however. Her middle-aged sons don't (officially) work. She has told me that she doesn't trust them. Nevertheless, she keeps trying to insist that I should employ them to do jobs around the house and garden.

I'm very uncomfortable with the whole situation, and I'm in it because I was too stupid to set boundaries.

That is true to an extent, but it's not the main point, really.

When somebody asks "Why should I pay my share?", my response is "Why shouldn't you pay?"

Yes, he would have been paying the full fuel amount anyway, but that was for his own private journey with his own music/podcasts/silence/thoughts and full flexibility to his own convenience.

Even if he were happy to keep taking her, her presence in the car with him has massively reduced the value of the trip to him, so why should he have to keep paying the same for a much less pleasurable and convenient journey? Why isn't she offering to compensate him for the extra (albeit non-financial) 'costs' of taking her?

It's not quite the same thing, but if you think about hotels and B&Bs, you don't spend that much of your time there using the toilet or the shower, so you could quite easily merge your usage in with that of the people in three or four other rooms sharing with you... BUT absolutely nobody would pay anywhere near as much for a room with a bathroom shared with strangers (many would outright refuse to book at all) as they would for a private en-suite - even though it will be empty and unused for most of the time.

Who would ever want to feel compelled to have the same lack of privacy and flexibility as you'd have on the bus, but still have to pay the extra cost to run a car? It's the worst of both worlds.

I've been the recipient twice in life of repeated kind lifts.
First time, weekly petrol money. Second time offered but the person wouldn't take. Every now and then I would have to insist on giving and I let them know I was getting a car within the year.

In this case, it sounds very dependent on you both, and I'll be very honest I absolutely wouldn't be ok with random women spending this much regular time with my husband while I run her kids around.

You're absolutely in the right op, you cannot continue to support this woman ad infinitum. You reasonably tried to help initially but sadly no good deed goes unpunished.
Your neighbour does need to find her own solutions long-term.

While it's nice to help out, it can be very draining to lose the ability to make spontaneous before/after work plans and the complete loss of getting in gear for work and private wind down time before getting home again. I'm with OP's husband. Particularly if the neighbour has got nasty and entitled.

I'd just tell her that he's being investigated for scabies and you were just trying to protect her. 😀

This !!

More weight in the car means using more fuel. Very few non drivers understand this as they pile in with their luggage. I know I didn't.

I didn’t know so many people on here could have such brass neck cheek!

DH doesn’t own this woman anything, he’s an adult and he needs to leave earlier for his shift so she doesn’t just grab a lift, last min shift changes, go to the ‘gym’ first etc - I would become unpredictable and my phone would be switched off!!!

How dare she call you names and still expect lifts!

I don’t pay for my car, petrol, repairs, tax for some cheeky fucker to get the benefits.

Op yanbu.
Is she your immediate neighbour or does she just live on your street?
After how she has spoken to you I wouldn’t engage in any further conversation at all.

Entitled or?! Some people have no filter.

I hear you OP, both me and my husband would hate this. We are introverts and constant daily lifts when you're not fully on board with it would be so claustrophobic. I think sadly its a very common human trait for people to start feeling entitled to something that was originally offered as an occasional treat/help. You sound like you've been kind enough. She's a neighbour, not a friend or relative.

I had the same thing with a lady around the corner demanding a lift off me because our children attended the same school except all her kids couldn't fit in my car with mine so her bright idea was I collect all her kids and my eldest walk home I declined then she wanted a lift to the school to collect fine I leave at half past oh no we can't leave that early pick me up at ten to....no I leave at half past if you want a lift be at the house at half past three years later she hasn't shown up at half past she has moaned about me a lot though 🤷‍♀️ I'm all for helping out but I'm a fucking doormat sometimes