Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

Having seen this, your DP needs to make sure that if she moves her shift to one he's on, he goes in and changes shift to one she isn't on. It's a chess game to her.

He needs to say to her "Look, Sally Sponger, I'm not going to be giving you lifts into work going forwards. I can see that you've been given shifts from 8-4 and I'm 10-7 so you ask to be moved to the 10-7 shift, purely because I'm your neighbour and you seem to get a lift with me a that stage. I'm not your personal taxi service. If you're on an 8-4 shift, that's your shift. You'll have to make your way to work for that shift If you change shift, you'll still have to make your own way to work for that shift. Do you understand?"

I understand the OP's point of view.

Now and again would be fine, but every single shift could become a burden and just increases the neighbour's entitlement and reliance on them. And she's a CF not offering to share the fuel costs.

And, maybe the DH is uncomfortable having a lone woman in the car with him.

It seems that it's the constant expectation of a lift rather than the odd "Hey, would you mind giving me a lift into work today?" though I may be wrong.

I'd start charging her mileage and petrol for these lifts. If she hasn't had to contribute towards the upkeep of the car then this might be something that would put her off looking for lifts so readily.

Also, not sure of the distance between your home and where your DH works, but if it's a reasonable distance that could be achieved on a bike, could your DH get an e-Bike and start cycling to work? Say it was something his GP suggested to get healthy? Can't argue with that, can she? Can she?!?!?

Ah but what if the person expects nothing in return? In all 3 cases I offered money for petrol and was always told “don’t be silly, I’m going this way and it’s no trouble for me, plus I like your company in the car”.

I definitely gave a very nice present like a nice bottle of wine and nice chocolates at the end of each period of lifts.

I did offer to babysit for the family friend and did that a few times free of charge (they always paid me though!) so that was reciprocal. The first woman who gave me lifts I’d offer to help her in the office when she was busy (MD’s PA of a large company) which she accepted. The second woman I offered to help with whatever she needed in the office and I sometimes did anyway as part of my job as I was a float secretary at that company.

I think with all my lifts it worked so well as I was only there a year for the first two companies and it was probably after me being 3-6 months into the second role that we got friendly and she offered me a lift. This was also in the days (early to mid 90s?) where sometimes so she’d said she felt unsafe driving alone, even with car locks on, and preferred company - SE to SW London.

I used to get a lift from a work colleague.
I had to walk about 15 mins to get to their house. They refused petrol money so when it was their birthday I bought them a very nice gift.
When they left I bought them a generous leaving gift and they were very appreciative.
It is extremely rude to expect lifts from others without offering money.
I would also ask her what days she will do school drop off or ask her to do sone other favour.
Its not acceptable fit it all to be one way.

Whenever I’ve had lifts to work it’s always been when I wasn’t driving at the time or learning to drive or didn’t have a car and the other people at my workplace have always offered first and I offered petrol money to one but she always refused! I gave them both gifts after it ended like a nice bottle of wine and chocolates.

Both women (one my DM’s age, one approx 4-5 years older) both told me they loved having my company in the car as we used to chat away and both in the morning I made my way to their houses, one a 2-3 minute walk, the other a 4-5 stop bus ride away. The latter woman gave me lifts in the evening but I also got the train at that job and was for a year. The first woman I sometimes got a lift home sometimes not. The issue with that job is it was a tricky bus journey in the mornings and an 8.15 start and was a contract for a year so it was much easier to get buses (2) home in the evening rather than both in the morning which I’d tried. If I’d ever thought I was taking advantage or being a CF I’d have stopped immediately and made alternative arrangements. I just forgot, a third woman who was a family friend and DM used to tutor her son used to give me a lift to work as we worked in the same big town, again, she offered and I was 17 then.

This woman sounds like a CF though and seems to want to have you as unpaid “help” not only as a driver but also re childcare which is very unreasonable. I get that you’ve helped her which is kind but she does need to get herself organised.

Doing reciprocal favours where you know you have each others' backs, great.

Becoming the service human to a CF who expects "kindness" but gives nothing in return definitely needs boundaries. They do not recognise or appreciate the costs of what they recieve. They will minimise the impact of what they ask for "you're going there anyway" and the demands tend to creep and escalate and become difficult to politely and diplomatically exctract yourself from. You tend to have to be blunt and remove favours entirely because they have no respect for reasonable boundaries and requests.

It's not a you problem, it's a them problem, and they need to deal with their own logistcal issues like the rest of the world and learn reasonable compromises.

Reading your first post so no idea if there’s a big drip feed. Carpooling is a common thing, but it’s her entitled attitude i’m guessing?

It’s obviously up to you but it strikes me a little bit wasteful energy wise (petrol and falling out with your neighbour) when your partner is literally going there anyway.
I would have set some boundaries; like we’re happy to give you a lift sometimes but if it’s going to be a regular thing we’d like you contribute to petrol costs - even an token amount. If she said no then say, i would have said sorry those are the conditions.

You need to set boundaries her boundaries are all over the place you can’t change that. It is you that had to set these

she is hurting, angry and needs support but that has to be from others not just you.

you have helped, when you can’t (for whatever reason) she should not be lashing out but this is a pattern she will have been used to and is continuing in other relationships ie. with you

I would suggest you say I can do school drop off on name a day or two in the week but only if I do not have other plans. Drop off for work in a similar fashion

you setting these boundaries is helping her you being there constantly isn’t

you have been very kind but she can’t see that at the moment

You’ve had 8 months of this and it sounds like you’ve done quite enough.

I don't think you're at fault.
If she has come from a DV relationship she will likely have been completely dependent on the her abusive ex partner because they're likely to have taken away all of her independence so that she was trapped.

I think she has unintentionally 'latched' on to you and because she isn't used to operating fully independently yet she's subconsciously become dependent on you and your partner because that's what she knows and she hasn't gained her confidence fully yet to be independent.

That said its not your and your partners place to take that role for her.
It will feel petty and spiteful to her becaude that help was there without condition and now its been taken away when she has become reliant on it so it's not unreasonable for her to feel that way.

At the same time that doesn't mean it's your responsibility to take on caring roles for a neighbour who you didn't even have a pre existing friendship with.

I would hate to have to give someone a lift every day forever for someone I worked with I need that time alone in my car I'd hate to have to make polite conversation with someone to and from work every single day.
I'd also hate to have the expectation on me to drop off and pick up someone else's child just because we were at the same place as them.

I'd start making myself busy to be honest, if her and your husband are on the same shifts I'd say he had to stop by his mums on the way home so she can't have a lift, I'd say your child has an appointment after school so you can't collect her child. It doesn't sound like there is a two way relationship here, you don't mention her picking up your child or doing any favours for you it seems like you are doing all the work and while that was kind of you initially I think for her own sake she needs to start doing all this stuff herself.

To be honest, her coming round and calling you names has done you a favour! She has killed her golden goose.
You have both been supportive to her and her children for eight long months (with no thoughtfulness or kindness in return ) and it is time for you to prioritise your own family. She was never a friend, just someone who happened to live next door. It is better for her family and real friends to support her now.
I would send a brief text to say that for your own family reasons you are not able to continue to help with lifts for her and her child.Don't over - explain! Good luck!

@Justablueone I know there’s a lot of people saying he should just give her a lift, he’s going there anyway, etc. I don’t agree. I understand where you’re coming from. She sounds entitled and demanding and that would definitely put me off doing favours for someone. If she were appreciative and offered something in return then I’d be much more inclined to help out where I could. But her attitude is awful. Changing shifts to cash in on a free lift then refusing to contribute..?! A decent person would ask first “would it be OK if changed my shifts so I could get a lift in please? I’d be happy to contribute some petrol money”. It’s just being polite. She’s changed her shift without checking, expected lifts, refused to contribute and has given you an earful for not giving in to her demands! Why on earth would anyone want to do a favour for someone like that? I wouldn’t! She sounds hard work. You don’t owe her anything. If you don’t care about the relationship (and other than feeling bad for her I can’t see why you would want to maintain the relationship) then I would stop doing her favours. And I’d be prepared to explain that you’ve found her attitude demanding and rude and as a result you don’t want to facilitate her life anymore. You don’t have to be her friend anymore. She’s taken the piss. She could easily have been respectful and nice about it. She chose not to be. People need to know that when they behave like wankers they lose out.

The neighbour knows it’s unreasonable to ask for lifts and not contribute, she doesn’t care.

It’s better that she refuses to contribute, because if she did offer to pay, OP and her DH may have felt obliged to keep giving lifts. Whereas now they may find it easier to make a clean break and refuse all lifts.

The DH wasn’t asking her to pay for the extra petrol/wear and tear on the car. He was asking her to pay a share of the joint costs. So no, her excuse, though incorrect, was not his point.

Let DP explain to her if he doesn't want to take her, this isn't a 'we' job.

I agree. It wouldn't bother me and some people find it pleasant to have company on a journey. My husband gave another chap a lift to and from work for years until the chap and his wife moved away. We've all remained friends.

So you are friends? OP and CF are not. Did your DH lift cal you names? Did your DH lift refuse payment and was entitled to your vehicle?

It’s not the same at all!

Actually you sound like someone who is very generous with other peoples time and resources.

why do you get the blame regarding your dp?

"Surely we are meant to give each other a helping hand"

If this is true, then what helping hand is neighbour giving to OP and her husband @LBFseBrom ? Or is it only one way that you care about? Typical of a CF

She won't even give a bit of petrol money! You may as well have used the pathetic #bekind rubbish

All those saying YABU haven't been stuck with a regular lift-taker.
It impinges on you when it is a daily obligation and you do become resentful, especially when no petrol money is offered.
You're waiting sometimes on someone and not only that, stuck with making small talk and on top of that, you cannot be spontaneous - nip to the shops on the way home etc
It becomes a burden, particularly when the lift-taker sees it as a right and acts entitled as opposed to a favour. I did it for two years before saying it didn't work for me anymore so it does need nipping in the bud.

What @RawBloomers said.

'Dear CF Neighbour, so happy that things are working out for you in your new job. Would be happy to car share as much as is feasibly possible (commitments not withstanding) and so if you want to do so, a weekly/daily contribution of £XX for travel costs will be applicable. Please let us know if you want to take up this offer,

Many thanks'

what? it is the point! It is exactly the point she made erroneously

Because it’s not the point. Even if the car used less petrol with her in it, it would still be unreasonable for her to expect a free lift while the DH does all the driving and shoulders all the cost.

why didn't you point out to her that it does?

@Justablueone you are not being unreasonable or petty or unkind.

I can’t believe how many people think your neighbour is somehow entitled to a lift to work just because your OH is going there. I’d have exactly the same reaction as you; fine to help them out initially to offer some support but that doesn’t become your lifetime burden.

The world has gone mad.