Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

I know this is not your responsibility but if you see any notices/flyers about summer schools/camps (preferably ones that your own kids wouldn't be interested in), send them in her direction, a kind of "saw this, thought of you" thing. Pop them in her letterbox.

Then she can't say she wasn't told about the wonderful summer school that's doing pottery/basket weaving/knitting/whatever that she could have sent her kids to.

I think @Underwatersally post is quite pertinent really. It's probably a much bigger issue than just a lift to work. Or the school run.

The level of co-dependency in a DA relationship can be very difficult to adjust to when you leave. I supported two friends in leaving relationships like this and they really just switched their co-dependency to me. It often manifested in what seemed like entitiled and selfish behaviour but was underpinned by a fear of having to be independent. Or simply not knowing how to do things for themselves.

Is/has your neighbour been getting support from any DA agencies? One of my friends was very reluctant to accept that kind of help and in the end I had to really distance myself from her and be blunt that she had to stand on her own two feet a bit more. Long term that ended up being the best thing for her.

But ultimately you don't owe this woman anything, you have extended a great deal of help and kindness already but it would honestly be in her best interest to force her hand in being more independent.

My husband gave another chap a lift to and from work for years until the chap and his wife moved away. We've all remained friends.

Well, bully for you. But this is totally beside the point - and the OP has every right to say no, whether it 'overly puts her out' or not.

it doesn't sound as though the helping hand causes inconvenience, ie your husband doesn't have to drive out of his way to accommodate your neighbour.

Again, totally beside the point - and you have no idea of any possible inconvenience: not everyone enjoys company on a drive, some people like 'me' time (especially at the beginning or end of a working day, some people don't like being used as a taxi service, etc. etc.).

(...so enlightening to read the number of people who are happy to organise someone else's life for them.)

YADNBU, OP. This is CFery of the highest order and she's really taking the piss now. Just ignore the 'why can't you just be kind' crew. Both they and your neighbour seem to think that your and DH's cars are public spaces that other people are entitled to use if they happen to be going in the same direction as you, and you have to be 'overly put out' to object to it. Such a weird attitude. You and DH are not chauffeurs working for free. I mean, if you'd invited her into your house one evening to watch TV when hers was broken, for example, would that mean she's entitled to come into your house and plonk herself down in your armchair whenever she feels like it on the grounds that 'you've got the TV on anyway'? Your house is your personal space and your car is your pesonal space, not a taxi anyone can hire. Inviting someone to come into your private spaces is a privilege and a kindness, not a right she's entitled to forever.

I would hate having someone in my car on the way to work and back every single day, especially if they weren't even contributing towards petrol costs. It's not just having to make polite chitchat (which can take a lot of effort early in the morning or when you're tired after a long shift at work) when maybe I'd rather just have some music on and sing along, it's also the lack of flexibility. Like, what if your DH would really like to stop off at the gym on the way home, or pop in to see his mum, or go to the pub with friends, or whatever. As things stand at the moment, he'd have to clear this with your neighbour, and almost get her permission, even though he's driving his own car that he and you pay for. People here keep prattling about doing her a favour, or giving a helping hand. This is waaaaay beyond that now. Doing her a favour would be giving her a lift now and then when she's stuck, not ferrying her around every single freaking day, month after month. In your and DH's place, I'd be resentful and pissed off, even before she was so obnoxious and rude to you. Hope you can get this sorted out soon, and don't feel bad even for a moment. You've done nothing wrong. She's a user.

If she’s cheeky enough to refuse to contribute to the petrol then she should be refused a lift.
She’ll probably fall out with you but reading your posts I’d say it would be no less.

Going through a rough time does not entitle anyone to play victim and use neighbours and friends as free transport services.

Does she want ‘alone’ time with your husband? I don’t know but I don’t trust people who exploit or use their ‘victim’ status to manipulate others into helping them.

She sees her meal ticket slipping away and only then has seen fit to (slightly) adjust her behaviour. I think your new offer is more than generous and I hope you'll make sure you're free completely from the summer holidays onwards, forevermore!

I have been in this position. It’s better to put boundaries in now, it gets harder not easier as time passes, it’s also pretty thankless because after a while it’s just expected. I would be kind, but assertive with her. Acknowledge she has been through a hard time - but now she needs to take the reins.

Its a shame she's reacted that way OP. You have every right to get some boundaries in place. She's treating you like a taxi service. Her reaction tells you everything you need to know...she ought to be apologising and trying to make some sort of amends or at least be thanking you for your past support.

The idea of being tied to my neighbour day-in day-out, waiting for them to be ready (or simply having to factor that in in addition), never being alone in my car etc. makes me want to climb out of my skin, so YANBU there.

Ditto having to corral and ferry her children in addition to my own on a daily basis. Absolutely not. It's a tie, and another set of planning and explaining if you need to do something different, are going somewhere on the way home etc. No.

The final straw for me would be the entitled, sulky attitude. That's the point at which I would stop the whole thing dead forever. Who the hell does she think she is?

I have absolutely no problem doing favours when needed on an ad hoc basis but hell would freeze over before I got myself into a regular arrangement like this, particularly with someone like a neighbour who I can't really hide from! And I would not even be doing that for someone so rude and ungrateful.

I have been stuck in this situation before. It becomes take and no give. I recall being asked by a parent to take her child to school and every day. The child was never ready and we were always late. Eventually my child was given a detention for being late and I called a halt to it. The mother was apoplectic. Could not understand why I couldn't be "more patient". Fuck right off! I would not want to be stuck with giving somebody regular lifts. I might want to go somewhere else or just have some time to listen to music in my car. In my experience once people see you as their personal servant it escalates and they want more and more.

I'm a lone parent, I know how difficult that can be but you can't spend your life relying on other people! I will only ever ask for help if I have no other option and will always buy a gift of wine or flowers if I do. Similarly, my friends are the same. We all know that we have a fallback between us but nobody takes the piss. She's got to sort herself out because the next thing will be her expecting you to cover holiday childcare for her children. While your husband takes her to and from work. Nope.

I can see why you are getting annoyed by this. Fair enough to support somebody through a bad time but relying on you as much as this isn't really on. Once or twice a week to work but every day there and back is a bit full on. She absolutely should be offering to contribute to petrol.

I agree with the OP, the neighbour seems to be getting too intense and too dependent. She needs to arrange her work shifts so she can pick up and drop off her own children etc.

Step back a bit and stop being so available, she'll be inviting herself to yours for xmas if you don't put in some boundaries.

I completely understand how you feel. Giving someone a lift take some mental energy. Even if it is just having to text them that you are ready to go. All this reduces flexibility in your family set up and I can see why you do not want to do this long-term.

Definitely get DH’s boss/manager on side so she can’t put some sort of HR claim against him or make out he’s being unfair by not giving her lifts.

Er? Is it in his contract of employment that he gives the neighbour lifts?

Having to take the neighbour into consideration just adds to the mental load of life.

It doesn't 'make sense' to go together at all. Some people enjoy company on a journey, some don't. Some accept being called names by their rude neighbour because they have a martyr complex, others would tell her to go to hell.

Nobody should feel under any obligation to offer another person a lift, regardless of whether they are going to the same place or not. The car is not owned or paid for by the other person, it isn't their property so they don't get to decide how it's used. It's easy to start these things by being kind, but they often quickly turn into a sense of entitlement and expectation that the other person will be the chauffeur. Very often people who can't drive (often they have chosen not to learn to drive, in spite of living somewhere where transport is poor) are the worst for expecting 'favours'. Has the job upped-sticks and moved since the neighbour went to work there? No? Then getting there is her problem.

Your neighbour has forgotten that the concept of lift sharing is just that - sharing. What's in it for you and DH?

She's all take and you're all give.

It does seem a shame that you’ve gone from being normal neighbours to this and then the CF behaviour.

I’d probably want to resolve this actually so she doesn’t make life difficult for your DH at work or as a NDN with both of you. Her language and behaviour when you want to stop this sounds very PA. I also know how petty squabbles can escalate. Definitely get DH’s boss/manager on side so she can’t put some sort of HR claim against him or make out he’s being unfair by not giving her lifts.

Does she offer to pay towards petrol?

@Underwatersally 's post rings true to me, your CF isn't used to doing for herself and she sees you and your DH as emotional and practical support, her over the top reaction is because she's never thought if she was asking too much, just that she expected it to go on. It's been 8 months, I'm sure it's hard being a single parent but she needs to stand on her own feet. If you're feeling kind maybe tell her emergencies only in future

Ah, the be kind crew have found the thread, I see.

Funny how all the kindness OP and her DH had shown for six months went out the window and unacknowledged when they said no.

Funny how the neighbour is expecting to reap the benefits of their kindness and offer nothing in return.

Be kind is code for "be my doormat, do my bidding."

Most of the people posting that they would do it, be kind, what difference does it make, what goes around comes around-are likely people who benefit from exploiting the kindness of others and rarely offer it in return so they see nothing wrong with this setup.

How this woman gets to work has nothing to do with OP or her DH. What would this woman do if OP's DH didn't work at the same place? She can do that instead.

This isn't even this woman asking for a favour-she's not asking, she's demanding it as she feels entitled to it. Hence her reaction to being told no. Asking means that you accept the fact that someone may tell you no.

She's not even offering anything in return. No petrol money, no gift of a bottle of wine/chocolate-nothing. Because CF's like her don't. They thrive in relationships where they can freely take from people and never give anything back, and when the person they're taking from puts their foot down-their real colours come out. All of a sudden, you're not the weak person they can take advantage of but an obstacle in the way of the thing they really want.

And it's not a car share. A car share is where all parties involved take turns in driving and sharing the costs. This is a free taxi service for this woman. That's it.

Im all for helping out a friend, but this is entitled CF, just smile and say no, hostile in my own home, I would have shown her the door in a very hostile manner!