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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

360 replies

Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:13

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

OP posts:
Fancybed · 18/04/2024 15:32

FiveLamps · 18/04/2024 15:29

Why should she have to explain her DHs feelings? She has said that they don't want to give lifts!

Do you let people walk all over you or something?

Show quote history

Well she came on a forum to ask opinions and has chosen to explain her thinking. She could of course, just do as she pleases.

I don't think people walk all over me no. I do think the favour has currency and is worth doing when you can, especially ones that cost you nothing in time or money and make a big difference to the the recipient.

Original poster
Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:31

I know she’s had a bad time but she needs to at least try I know on one day that I said I was sorry I couldn’t do the drop off and pick up she just didn’t send her dc in so then I felt bad but she needs to find the solutions herself now

OP posts:
Greengumby · 18/04/2024 15:31

I would never tie myself down to a regular lift share.
It means I can’t decide to duck to the shops, go to the hairdresser or go straight from work to meet friends for dinner (without having to get permission or awkward agreement from essentially an acquaintance). It means I can’t go into work early/late or leave early/late if I need to. I like the alone time in the car, it gives me time to decompress from my day so that when I get home I’m fully present for my family.
Just because I drive, have my own car and I’m going to the same place/direction as someone else does not mean I’m a default taxi service. I don’t need to share costs (fortunate I know) and the personal costs of being her chauffeur is far higher (to me) than a token $20 for petrol. Plus, this lady is coming across as demanding and entitled - not someone I want to be stuck in a car with or potentially ending the arrangement if it’s not working.

YANBU - it’s far better to knock it on the head before it becomes an expected routine.

*also, I am not a monster. I genuinely go out of my way to pick up colleagues or friends when they have had car issues or can’t drive due to surgeries…but this is something that I offer and is not demanded of me.

Original poster
Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:30

Crumpleton · 18/04/2024 15:28

Who has her DC while she's at work, as in after school, holidays and such?

Show quote history

I know a couple of the days they were at the same holiday club as our dc, one day they were here as she asked in the half term which was fine not sure about the other days during Easter though.

OP posts:
Whateveer · 18/04/2024 15:29

I mean you are just saying no for the sake of it, it's not putting your DH out at all. Just remember it if you ever need a favour.

FiveLamps · 18/04/2024 15:29

Fancybed · 18/04/2024 15:28

Yes, that's exactly the same thing, you're right.

And OP has never said in all her attempts to explain what's wrong, that DH enjoys the time to himself.

Show quote history

Why should she have to explain her DHs feelings? She has said that they don't want to give lifts!

Do you let people walk all over you or something?

Ilovemyshed · 18/04/2024 15:28

It sounds like she has high expectations of what SHE thinks you should so, vs what you are prepared to do. Also she has no boundaries.

On that basis alone I would be refusing as it will escalate beyond all reason. Who knows what she might accuse your husband of if allowed to be alone in a car.

OP you are right to set boundaries.

Crumpleton · 18/04/2024 15:28

Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:21

It’s just hard to explain she wants me to do so many drop offs pick ups as dc are at the same school, wants dp taking her to and from work (which is why she is getting the same shifts) we don’t want to adopt her !!! At first we were happy to support but there comes a point where she needs to move on and not be dependant and needy

Who has her DC while she's at work, as in after school, holidays and such?

Fancybed · 18/04/2024 15:28

Watchkeys · 18/04/2024 15:26

@Fancybed

But it makes no difference anyone

That's not for you to say. It wouldn't make a practical difference to you if your neighbours decided to spend all summer intently looking over their garden fence at you. So you'd be ok with that, right?

Yes, that's exactly the same thing, you're right.

And OP has never said in all her attempts to explain what's wrong, that DH enjoys the time to himself.

gamerchick · 18/04/2024 15:27

You were kind at the start but now she's become entitled and taking liberties.

Stop giving excuses she can come back with. Tell her you're no longer doing any school runs for her and she'll have to make her own way to and from work going forward and not to ask again. Then a lot of nos until she strops off

It's the only way to get though the thick skin.

Tatas · 18/04/2024 15:26

My journey to work is my time to talk to no one and decompress!!

It's a lot to suddenly be taking a full grown adult to and from work all the time - what if you want to leave late? Or go to the shops on the way home? What if they do?! It becomes a tricky situation of expectations, and she sounds like a CF with the petrol money comment!

FiveLamps · 18/04/2024 15:26

Watchkeys · 18/04/2024 15:26

@Fancybed

But it makes no difference anyone

That's not for you to say. It wouldn't make a practical difference to you if your neighbours decided to spend all summer intently looking over their garden fence at you. So you'd be ok with that, right?

Lol

Watchkeys · 18/04/2024 15:26

@Fancybed

But it makes no difference anyone

That's not for you to say. It wouldn't make a practical difference to you if your neighbours decided to spend all summer intently looking over their garden fence at you. So you'd be ok with that, right?

FiveLamps · 18/04/2024 15:25

Watchkeys · 18/04/2024 15:23

Lots of people use the journey to spend some time alone/have some headspace before and after work. Nobody is obliged to give anybody a lift.

I wonder if the people who say you're petty would be ok with a neighbour sitting in their living room whilst they're home?

It's not petty to refuse to act as a transport service to someone, especially if they're just assuming you'll do it.

This!

Crumpleton · 18/04/2024 15:25

I think it's more her expectation that she's entitled to a lift.

Yes I'd probably give a lift if I was going/coming home at the same time, but I'd have a conversation beforehand that if I wasn't for whatever reason and I needed/wanted to be elsewhere before or after work she'd have to find her own way there and back.

Original poster
Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:25

I feel as if we were too helpful initially and that was fine and when we’ve tried to scale back support it’s not what she wants I get that she’s had a hard time but she isn’t making an effort just wanting to rely on us

OP posts:
FiveLamps · 18/04/2024 15:25

Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:22

Dp mentioned this once and she said ‘but you’re going there anyway it doesn’t use more whether there’s one or two people in the car!’

Show quote history

This happened to me years ago as well. I lived close to a colleague and when I was buying a car after passing my test, said in the staffroom that she wouldn't be giving me any petrol money as I would be driving that way anyway.

So I only gave her occasional lifts home. She bitched about me but I really didn't care.

Watchkeys · 18/04/2024 15:23

Lots of people use the journey to spend some time alone/have some headspace before and after work. Nobody is obliged to give anybody a lift.

I wonder if the people who say you're petty would be ok with a neighbour sitting in their living room whilst they're home?

It's not petty to refuse to act as a transport service to someone, especially if they're just assuming you'll do it.

Fancybed · 18/04/2024 15:23

Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:20

She’s just very intense. I said to her she should get herself a car

I still don't understand.

What does DH think?

I'd like to think I'd help a struggling neighbour in similar circumstances and that no one would refuse to help me or DD, "just because" in a similar situation.

But then, my whole ethos is what goes around come around and do the favour if I can.

Original poster
Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:22

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 18/04/2024 15:21

Would it help if she paid petrol money etc?

Dp mentioned this once and she said ‘but you’re going there anyway it doesn’t use more whether there’s one or two people in the car!’

OP posts:
Original poster
Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:21

It’s just hard to explain she wants me to do so many drop offs pick ups as dc are at the same school, wants dp taking her to and from work (which is why she is getting the same shifts) we don’t want to adopt her !!! At first we were happy to support but there comes a point where she needs to move on and not be dependant and needy

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 18/04/2024 15:21

Ok. Seems a bit unnecessarily unkind to me but each to their own.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 18/04/2024 15:21

Would it help if she paid petrol money etc?

Original poster
Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:20

She’s just very intense. I said to her she should get herself a car

OP posts:
Fancybed · 18/04/2024 15:20

shieldmaiden7 · 18/04/2024 15:18

I don't think you've done anything wrong as in your position I would have put a stop to it too as it's just not fair for her to expect a lift every day. It's not your job to ensure she gets to work. Once in a while yeah but not every day. She's the one who's being hostile.

But it makes no difference anyone? It might even help because they can share costs.