Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

Yeah exactly this. The 'well you're going that way anyway, why can't you #BEKIND' brigade are definitely outing themselves on here. The cheeky fuckers are standing out like a beacon on this thread! 😂

We still don't know what DH thinks.

If OP doesn't want to do the schoolruns, of course she should say no. If DH doesn't want to do the lifts he should say so.

I don't understand why "we" "had" to put a stop to it. Is suspect he's perfectly happy to do it and that's OP's real problem.

For me part of the benefit of using a private vehicle is to have my own space, and taking the route that is convenient to me, including any stops, and I'm paying the costs for that. So giving someone a lift is an inconvenience and takes away those benefits to me even if I'm already going that way. Any adult with a job needs to organise their own transport and not be dependent on others.

Yeah @Fancybed what goes around comes around. So maybe one day, the cheeky fucker taking advantage of the OP will have people taking the piss out of her, using her as a free taxi, and turning nasty when she decides to stop eh?

After all, what goes around comes around lala lalalalala

Exactly. I'm afraid I am struggling to believe the posters who are saying this. I don't know anyone in real life who would be happy with it.

I know some people do it, and are Royally taken advantage of by cheeky fuckers, but I know NO-ONE who likes it and is happy with it.

Sadly, there are plenty of shameless, cheeky fuckers who take advantage of people who are kind and a bit gullible. And the 'favours will come around' type comments make me LOL. No. Not from the ones who are the cheeky fuckers. This type NEVER return the favour. Some of them also turn nasty when you STOP said favours too. I have had this happen. Not lifts, but looking after someone else's kid.

A mum on the estate happily farmed her DD (Hannah) off to us 3-4 afternoons/evenings a week (she would come straight from school with my DD, have dinner at ours, and stay til 8pm some nights.) AND she would spend much of the weekend with us. DD and this girl were 10.

Some nights, we had to ask her several times to leave. And we had to take her back, as her mum would never come for her, and we weren't having her walking across a big council estate after dark at 8pm. If something had happened to her, guess who would have got the blame? Not her shitty mum who didn't care where she was half the time. WE would have got the blame for sending her off into the night.

A number of times we took her back and no-one was in. And shocker her mum didn't answer the phone, so we had to take her back home, and then go back again at 9pm or even 10pm. One night Hannah's mum rolled in from the pub and came to ours at 9.45pm, and picked her up in a car she was in! (Got a lift from someone!) No 'thanks for keeping her here' or 'sorry,' or anything. Not a single acknowledgement. Just 'GET HERE HANNAH!'

Next time we picked up DD from school, this girl was ready to come along too. We said 'no sorry Hannah, but we are going out, not home.' Hannah looked confused and was like... She said 'well my mum isn't in til 8pm.' We said 'sorry but you need to go home.' She got quite angsty and looked like she was going to cry. I said 'ring your mum and ask where you can go.' Her mum answered her, and Hannah said 'my mum said I need to go to yours as she isn't in til 8pm.' DH took the phone off Hannah, and said 'come and get your child NOW, she is NOT coming home with us, and stop taking the piss and constantly making us look after her.' She slammed the phone down.

We waited. Decided to wait for 15 minutes. If she hadn't come by then we would have taken her back into the school. Came to the school five minutes later, (someone drove her,) and grabbed Hannah and scowled at us. 'Fucking idiots!' she barked.

tl;dr the next few months were hell as she systematically turned all her mates (6 of the school mums who lived nearby,) against me. Not DH, ME. I got the brunt of their hate, and scowling, and bullying. DD was bullied at school as Hannah turned 3 other girls against her. (Daughters of these other mums.) Rocks thrown through our window, paint, and eggs thrown at the door, and a gang of people (8-10 sometimes) just walking by our house (even though it was out of their way,) and standing opposite, just staring in. Started several horrible rumours about me. Other mums who weren't her friends - but still knew her - started avoiding talking to me.

We moved out of the area about 8 months later, and DD went to senior school soon after and didn't see this girl again. (And I didn't see any of the horrible bitchy bullies either.)

But yeah, as I said, some people turn nasty when you when you withdraw favours and stop their cheekyfuckery!

I would give her a lift whats wrong with helping her when. You can?

My whole ethos is what goes around come around ...

Most of the time I'd agree, @Fancybed, but not with someone who's already acted as if it's an imposition for petrol sharing to be suggested

Unfortunately - at least IME - this is the kind of thing we see from those happy to take but rarely to give

I don't blame you for saying no . Some people are so entitled and think it's others job to help them . I wouldn't want to be tied to a lift all the time or constant help with her kids .
It's one thing to be kind but another to be taken advantage of .

There have been several threads in the past about helping out people, it turns into an expectation rather than a favour. Then it becomes very difficult to get out of.
You and your DH are doing the right thing with your, reasonable, boundaries.

YANBU It's one thing to give a lift occasionally, quite another to be expected to operate a daily taxi service for someone who unreasonably expects it at all costs.

I would hate to be constantly ferrying someone because, at times, I would love a bit of quiet on the way home.

Sounds like she doesn't know how to live her life as herself, if you see what I mean. The previous bad relationship may have eroded her sense of independent self and her latching on to you and your DP is manifestation of that. The sulking and moody childish behaviour sounds symptomatic too. Not that this helps you in any way, OP! But you're not wrong at all to have boundaries and you are not being hostile or petty.

Indeed. Reality is that they wouldn't. People who make the comments about just doing it and being kind are ALWAYS the takers, not the givers. Really easy to pretend you are generous and help everyone while anonymous online. But if you read their posts they never do come across as 'kind' people, just manipulative and insulting to those who don't want to run around after 'takers'.

She's a massive CF.

The "I'm not paying petrol because it makes no difference if there's 1 or 2 people in the car" would be enough to make me tell her to fuck off and never help in any way ever again. If it makes no difference she can get her own bloody car can't she!

The audacity and entitlement!

I hate people and this is why

That's why you're not being at all unreasonable to say no, not least because if you continue further requests will probably arrive soon

And the refusal to even consider chipping in petrol money was just insulting, considering how much you've saved her - where else would she get all this for free?

AIBU can be be contrary though; normally you'd be told that boundaries should be maintained, but because you're doing that many answers will immediately swing through 180 degrees

Stand your ground. I don't mind giving the odd lift,but in this woman's case, absolutely not. What if your dh has to go somewhere en route home. Or wants chats on his phone on way to work etc. I'm with you OP. You have been kind and now she's taking the piss

Lol at all the posters who would happily commit to giving their neighbour a lift to and from work every day and take their kids to and from school every day with no complaints, of course you fucking would.

In the real world she does need to make long term plan so I think it’s fine to start reducing your help, have you asked her what her solution is? If she was rude then I would stop straight away.

👏

I'm with you OP in saying no. I had a CF at a shared hobby say, "Oh you'll be going through X on your way home, I'll grab a lift with you". Caught on the hop and not wanting to be as rude back I gave her a lift. Had she asked me I'd have felt differently. This person has access to a car, but chooses not to drive. I don't ever want to give her a lift again because I was backed into a corner. It's manipulative behaviour. She's never going to return the favour and will never offer to contribute to fuel as I'm "going anyway". If it were me in her position I'd have made my own arrangements.

I totally agree.

Well, using that logic, it must be free to get a bus or a train then is it? Because whether there's only one person on them, or 50 people, it costs the same in fuel and they're going that way anyway!

Cheeky git. (and you can probably tell pretty accurately going by the replies, those of us who've been stung by a CF lift-taker and those who haven't!)

Yep this. The fucking CHEEK of her, calling the OP hostile, unkind, and petty for not wanting to continue to be her free taxi service.

I think you're probably right to distance yourself. It's not that giving her a lift is inconvenient in itself, but that it's an extra layer of dependency when you feel you have given enough and want to scale back your support. Which is your right. Her reaction to this suggests that she now feels a level of entitlement to your help which doesn't bode well either so is best nipped in the bud.

I would hate this because i am too nice and would struggle to say no. Good on you OP for setting some boundaries. I feel like a lot of the BE KIND brigade have never been in the position of having someone constantly impose on your time/life.
Fuck that, i still resent my mum a little for not being able to tell her friend to back off a bit back when i was a young teen. Every other night she was at ours with her kids, eating our food and snacks, expecting us to give up our computer time etc to her kids and also constant lifts.

She is too dependant on you and your DH. You are not her parents. Tell her frankly she needs to find ways to take care of herself and her kids without neighbours.