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AIBU?

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Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

360 replies

Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:13

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

OP posts:
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Goodtogossip · 24/04/2024 16:21

I totally get where you're coming from as it puts more pressure on you in the mornings to be up & ready when someone else is relying on you to get them in to work on time. Also if you want to go out straight after work you feel bad for not giving them a lift home.

Is it you or your husband that doesn't want to carry on giving her lifts to/from work? If it's your husband who doesn't want to continue I'd suggest to her that she arranges her own way to get to work but say if she's really stuck at times you'll help out but it's not a permanent arrangement.

If it's you who doesn't want your husband to give her lifts in, ask yourself why you feel like that? What's the reason for not wanting to carry on offering support? Do you feel she's not grateful? why does it bother you that she's relying on him when your husband is going to the same place at the same time? It may be time to ask her to contribute to fuel costs & if she can't see why she should be contributing as he's going that way anyhow, explain that fuel costs are expensive & your husband is thinking of using public transport himself instead of the car. It might prompt her to cough up or stop asking if she's expected to pay towards her lifts.

SeanBeansMealDeal · 21/04/2024 11:18

CantFindMyMarbles · 19/04/2024 19:08

Just give her a lift…..ask for some fuel money. If you’re going to school as well….then take her child. Equally….ask her for favours! Make her feel valued.

If she scoffs at the mere suggestion (when she shouldn't have needed to be asked in the first place) of even paying her fair contribution to the fuel, I highly doubt she will be willing to do any actual favours in return.

So many of the CFs and BeKinders are strong on 'friends doing each other favours', but by that, they really mean the other person (often not even a friend, just an identified target) constantly putting themselves out to be taken advantage of by them - they never seem to think for a moment that it should be reciprocated and that they should ever give anything.

IvorTheEngineDriver · 21/04/2024 10:59

I lived 100 yards up the road from a guy who worked with me. No way was I giving him a lift in, and I wouldn't ask him for one either.

The only good thing about commuting is it allows you to plan your day (way in) and wind down (way home).

YANBU

NigelHarmansNewWife · 21/04/2024 10:55

MMAS · 19/04/2024 20:27

Nope to who said wrong thread

And say what to the police exactly? "My NDN didn't like it when we said we wouldn't give her a lift to work and now she's being funny with us". What do you think they will do, other than treat you like 9 year olds having a playground fall out?

UncleHerbie · 20/04/2024 22:32

Scarletttulips · 19/04/2024 06:40

I agree. It wouldn't bother me and some people find it pleasant to have company on a journey. My husband gave another chap a lift to and from work for years until the chap and his wife moved away. We've all remained friends.

So you are friends? OP and CF are not. Did your DH lift cal you names? Did your DH lift refuse payment and was entitled to your vehicle?

It’s not the same at all!

Actually you sound like someone who is very generous with other peoples time and resources.

Spot On 👍

DriftingDora · 20/04/2024 11:03

WickedSerious · 19/04/2024 21:44

Fuck that.

😂 My thoughts exactly.

Meandspottydogs · 20/04/2024 07:20

Just remember the psychological effects of abuse are massive. She sounds like she feels vulnerable , and all of this manifests in odd behaviour.

Greenshed · 20/04/2024 00:07

It sounds to me as if your neighbour has become very needy, and has come to rely upon you and your DH as props.
I understand your reluctance as time has moved on, to continue being those props - she really is going to need to support herself, for her own good.
I also understand your point when you say that she’s unwilling to offer petrol money, for eg, or thinks because you already do something then it makes no difference if she tags on too - of course it makes a difference. Hard though it is, you now need to put in boundaries - you are not family members to her, you need to say that you can’t always do her bidding.
You were being good neighbours when she was at a very low point, and you can, of course, continue to be so if she lets you, but you need to point out to her, as kindly as you can, that the present arrangements don’t now work for you and you can’t continue with things as they are, and she has to sort out alternative arrangements going forward. You don’t need to send a letter suggesting contributions, or offering this, that or the other (I think she would grasp onto that), but state, as kindly as you can, that you won’t be continuing with lifts, etc.

alesia · 19/04/2024 23:44

justtidying · 19/04/2024 06:01

What @RawBloomers said.

'Dear CF Neighbour, so happy that things are working out for you in your new job. Would be happy to car share as much as is feasibly possible (commitments not withstanding) and so if you want to do so, a weekly/daily contribution of £XX for travel costs will be applicable. Please let us know if you want to take up this offer,

Many thanks'

But why would they want someone so rude and ungrateful in their car with them - this just doesn’t make sense

alesia · 19/04/2024 23:32

Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:34

I just feel like our support initially that we thought was just to help out at her lowest point is now something she feels should be ongoing and that we somehow owe her help ??! I think in all honesty she took the job thinking it would be a given she had transport

Unfortunately, that’s how it seems to work, in my experience anyway. You help out and then it’s expected of you. Before you know it, you are in the wrong for not continuing with the support!
She is absolutely not your responsibility and just sounds entitled

alesia · 19/04/2024 23:26

Fancybed · 18/04/2024 15:18

Why have you "had" to say no if DH is going anyway?

It does seem a bit petty, when he could easily help her at a difficult time. Obviously he doesn't have to, but I'm not sure why he (you?) feels he has to stop it?

Perhaps they just don’t want to be taken for granted or want their privacy, peace and quiet in their own car, etc You help out once or twice and before you know, it it’s expected of you!

RosaRoja · 19/04/2024 22:38

@SabreIsMyFave wow, that’s another level. Horrible. I’m glad these toxic people are no longer around you. What a shame for the daughter to turn nasty so young as well. You just can’t help some people.

LalaPaloosa · 19/04/2024 22:22

Extraordinary

LalaPaloosa · 19/04/2024 22:20

SabreIsMyFave · 18/04/2024 16:45

Exactly. I'm afraid I am struggling to believe the posters who are saying this. I don't know anyone in real life who would be happy with it.

I know some people do it, and are Royally taken advantage of by cheeky fuckers, but I know NO-ONE who likes it and is happy with it.

Sadly, there are plenty of shameless, cheeky fuckers who take advantage of people who are kind and a bit gullible. And the 'favours will come around' type comments make me LOL. No. Not from the ones who are the cheeky fuckers. This type NEVER return the favour. Some of them also turn nasty when you STOP said favours too. I have had this happen. Not lifts, but looking after someone else's kid.

A mum on the estate happily farmed her DD (Hannah) off to us 3-4 afternoons/evenings a week (she would come straight from school with my DD, have dinner at ours, and stay til 8pm some nights.) AND she would spend much of the weekend with us. DD and this girl were 10.

Some nights, we had to ask her several times to leave. And we had to take her back, as her mum would never come for her, and we weren't having her walking across a big council estate after dark at 8pm. If something had happened to her, guess who would have got the blame? Not her shitty mum who didn't care where she was half the time. WE would have got the blame for sending her off into the night.

A number of times we took her back and no-one was in. And shocker her mum didn't answer the phone, so we had to take her back home, and then go back again at 9pm or even 10pm. One night Hannah's mum rolled in from the pub and came to ours at 9.45pm, and picked her up in a car she was in! (Got a lift from someone!) No 'thanks for keeping her here' or 'sorry,' or anything. Not a single acknowledgement. Just 'GET HERE HANNAH!'

Next time we picked up DD from school, this girl was ready to come along too. We said 'no sorry Hannah, but we are going out, not home.' Hannah looked confused and was like... Confused She said 'well my mum isn't in til 8pm.' We said 'sorry but you need to go home.' She got quite angsty and looked like she was going to cry. I said 'ring your mum and ask where you can go.' Her mum answered her, and Hannah said 'my mum said I need to go to yours as she isn't in til 8pm.' DH took the phone off Hannah, and said 'come and get your child NOW, she is NOT coming home with us, and stop taking the piss and constantly making us look after her.' She slammed the phone down.

We waited. Decided to wait for 15 minutes. If she hadn't come by then we would have taken her back into the school. Came to the school five minutes later, (someone drove her,) and grabbed Hannah and scowled at us. 'Fucking idiots!' she barked.

tl;dr the next few months were hell as she systematically turned all her mates (6 of the school mums who lived nearby,) against me. Not DH, ME. I got the brunt of their hate, and scowling, and bullying. DD was bullied at school as Hannah turned 3 other girls against her. (Daughters of these other mums.) Rocks thrown through our window, paint, and eggs thrown at the door, and a gang of people (8-10 sometimes) just walking by our house (even though it was out of their way,) and standing opposite, just staring in. Started several horrible rumours about me. Other mums who weren't her friends - but still knew her - started avoiding talking to me.

We moved out of the area about 8 months later, and DD went to senior school soon after and didn't see this girl again. (And I didn't see any of the horrible bitchy bullies either.)

But yeah, as I said, some people turn nasty when you when you withdraw favours and stop their cheekyfuckery!

Edited

Oh my goodness! This is just terrible. I’m so sorry you experienced this.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 19/04/2024 22:10

user1471554720 · 19/04/2024 21:51

PuppyMonkey

My neighbour did exactly that, got into her car while seeing me walking 10 mins away for the bus. She was 4 houses down from me in a terrace. Don't assume the DH will feel uncomfortable doing this. My neighbour didn't feel a bit uncomfortable.

Having experienced this can toughen you up.

You don’t know that they didn’t feel uncomfortable but what did you expect them to do. They probably would have felt uncomfortable having you in their car regularly.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 19/04/2024 22:07

DragonGypsyDoris · 19/04/2024 19:49

You've indicated where you think this should go, so you won't be happy with my response. It's incredibly petty not to offer a lift to someone in these circumstances. How is it any hassle? Just be kind.

It is hassle:

  • what if he wanted to stay late/go in late one day
  • what if he was in a hurry and she was being slow getting out
  • what if he wanted to go somewhere else on the way to or from work
  • what if he wanted to make a hands free phone call from the car
  • what if he wants to listen to something she doesn’t like
  • she is likely bringing in some element of dirt which requires extra cleaning from him
the list can go on. It changes the whole dynamic of the journey for him. Fine occasionally but it’s a lot everyday especially when she doesn’t seem to offer anything in return and doesn’t seem to be grateful at all
user1471554720 · 19/04/2024 21:51

PuppyMonkey

My neighbour did exactly that, got into her car while seeing me walking 10 mins away for the bus. She was 4 houses down from me in a terrace. Don't assume the DH will feel uncomfortable doing this. My neighbour didn't feel a bit uncomfortable.

Having experienced this can toughen you up.

WickedSerious · 19/04/2024 21:44

DragonGypsyDoris · 19/04/2024 19:49

You've indicated where you think this should go, so you won't be happy with my response. It's incredibly petty not to offer a lift to someone in these circumstances. How is it any hassle? Just be kind.

Fuck that.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/04/2024 21:43

DragonGypsyDoris · 19/04/2024 19:49

You've indicated where you think this should go, so you won't be happy with my response. It's incredibly petty not to offer a lift to someone in these circumstances. How is it any hassle? Just be kind.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Menomidge · 19/04/2024 21:31

Yanbu to back off. Have you asked DP if he feels uncomfortable? .
It's not a three way relationship.. yet neighbour seems to believe that she is entitled.
Stand firm
I would drop her a letter explaining that whilst in the past, you were happy to help and will contine to help out ON OCCASIONS, this level of reliance on the pair of you, on a long term basis is not helpful. That you feel there is reluctance /committment on her part to resolving both her travel issues and her childcare issues. That you feel it is not helping her really adjust to her situation of being a single parent and getting back on her feet.
Whilst you are sympathetic, and have provided help to help out initially , you don't want to feel obliged each day to provide travel and child care
She needs to take control to sort out her childcare arrangements and also sorting out her travel to work arrangement in a bid to be more self sufficient and less reliant on yourself and DP.
And that you know that one day she will realise that this note is your help, (even if it is a different kind of help !! ) and in time she may even say thanks, even if she falls out with you for now🤣

OldPerson · 19/04/2024 21:22

Just visit her and explain your boundaries in terms of what you will or won't do.

The problem seems to be that she's imposing too much on your time and your family space.

So explain that.

If you feel uncomfortable about her spending too much time alone with your husband. Just say it makes you uncomfortable.

You should all give yourselves a few weeks to cool off.

Take stock and decide whether you want a relationship with your neighbour or not.

If you do want to continue with friendly relations, be very clear about what you will or won't do in future. And how often.

And it's not really your private home, if your neighbour just feels she can knock on your door or phone regulary and at any time asking for favours. It's annoying.

So just ask her to text in future if she wants to ask a favour, because you're feeling more imposed upon, than you expected by all her requests for help.

MMAS · 19/04/2024 21:17

Neighbour just come out of a relationship - who told OP it was the husband v wife? As we keep learning, it would very easily have been wife to husband. Sounds like neighbour might be fixed on OPS husband now and want her out of the way hence go to the police.

SabreIsMyFave · 19/04/2024 20:29

MMAS · 19/04/2024 20:27

Nope to who said wrong thread

So you think the OP should go to the police about this cheeky fucker neighbour? Why? She can just tell her to jog on.

SabreIsMyFave · 19/04/2024 20:28

CantFindMyMarbles · 19/04/2024 19:08

Just give her a lift…..ask for some fuel money. If you’re going to school as well….then take her child. Equally….ask her for favours! Make her feel valued.

😂 OMG! This thread has taken a batshit turn! 😜

MMAS · 19/04/2024 20:27

Nope to who said wrong thread