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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my daughter to come back home after living abroad?

108 replies

TeaAddicted · 18/04/2024 14:44

My eldest daughter is 22 and lives in a country she has always wanted to since she was a teenager. She knew I would miss her when she moved, so at first she said she was only going for a short time to go travelling. But now she seems to be staying put in this country. One of her friends from school is also out there with her and they decided to go together.

She phoned me a few days ago for a chat and told me something worrying. Apparently she’s been working in a ‘hostess bar’ where she speaks to men and serves them drinks. I was a bit upset about this because she’d told me at first that she’d been teaching English and had told my ex-husband (her dad) the truth about the hostess job. To me, it seems similar to escorting and I’m not comfortable with her being in that environment, probably being leered at by older men.

I only found out because she told her dad that one of the clients, a man in his late 30s, seems obsessed with her and that he followed her back to where she lives. Ex-husband told me and then my daughter confirmed it during the phone call. I told her that she’s in a dangerous situation as this man knows where she lives and anything could happen. I told her to report him to the police and to make plans to come back home where her family are. She told me she doesn’t want to report it as she doesn’t have the right work visa and it could mess things up for her/ get her into trouble.

I have a younger school-aged daughter who has now become aware of this situation because she heard my ex-husband talking about it with me and now she’s asking questions and worrying. I don’t know what to say to her because I can’t sleep at night thinking about this.

I’m upset with my ex-husband and my older daughter because both have been dishonest and I suspect they’re still not telling me everything that’s going on. She has always been close to both of us but more so to him because he moved out when she was young and has always been the weekend parent who gave her all the treats and fun trips, while I was working and trying to support the children.

Ex-husband has told her to be careful, tell her boss about the man and to tell us if the man causes any problems. He says she’s an adult and we shouldn’t interfere. But I don’t think that’s good enough. I’m terrified that this strange man will cause her harm. I want her to come home and have been arguing with her dad about this since I found out. I know she kept things from me to stop me worrying but that’s caused even more worry. Her dad is quite irresponsible anyway (that's another story) and is dismissing what I'm saying to him about this.

I’ve asked my partner if we can use our savings to book a flight there for a visit. At least then I’ll be close to her and can help with the situation because I feel powerless here.

AIBU to tell her to come home and end her travels early? I know she’s an adult but it’s hard to sit back and do nothing when you feel that your child could be in a dangerous situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaAddicted · 18/04/2024 19:46

Thanks for your replies. She is in Japan and I am scared for her about all the risks of not having the right visa. I know she is on a tourist visa and I think she's been leaving the country for a short time and renewing it periodically. She visited Korea at one point so that's probably what's been happening. She doesn't talk to me much about this side of things and is always saying she's busy and when we do talk, it's about the social side of things and how she's getting on there.

In our earlier phone call, I suggested the idea of coming home for a while and sorting out the visa before returning. There is a family wedding soon and I tried to use that as an incentive but she didn't seem keen. She told me that she's worried about leaving the bar and other girls taking her regular clients. It seems this job is important to her which is something I don't like. It feels seedy and she's open to being taken advantage of. She struggled for work in the UK and she feels like she's found something she's thriving at and enjoying. My ex is happy for her and I find it infuriating. He thinks this creepy man is just someone with a crush but I know what these predatory men can be like. Following her home and hanging around outside is completely weird and inappropriate and who knows what else he has done. She looks so young for her age too. She's very slight and could easily pass for a teenager.

I will bring up the idea of a Japan trip to 'visit' with DP tonight. I'm not sure how it will work logistically because I'll need to find some time off work and my youngest daughter is at primary school and can't be left alone. There's also the financial side of it. We have some modest savings but not loads. I feel like I am in a nightmare and the fact that my ex-husband can't see the issue is making it worse.

OP posts:
Itsokish · 18/04/2024 19:15

Marbledleaves678 · 18/04/2024 15:59

As the mother of similarly aged dds, I am with you op! I’d be out of mind with worry and, if possible, on the first plane out there. I’d be sitting at the bar when she came on duty for the evening!

You can’t force her to come home but you can talk to her in a supportive way about choices. And by going there, you could assess her living situation, get a better picture close hand of the customer harassment situation and it would let her know that you are serious and that she is loved.

I’d be furious about your ex’s attitude to this too. Why isn’t he already on a plane?

Travelling and working abroad = fine and her choice.

Working illegally as a hostess in a bar -
= nope not fine at all imho as risky and exploitative (the good wage is given to mitigate the exploitation)

She may be an adult but she doesn’t have an accurate awareness of the broader picture here. You can talk to her calmly about the dangers, whether the extra money is worth it, what does this job add to her future progression etc?

I’d be discussing exactly what it is about about pandering to men’s more basic instincts, increases her self esteem? Maybe explore alternative ways of doing that?

You can then leave knowing you have done what you can and the rest is up to her. I might be tempted to have a serious word with the bar owner though about men harassing your daughter, just to put the wind up them a bit.

I know lots of people on here would consider that too heavy handed but I am just saying this is what I would do personally. Yes by doing all of this you will risk putting your dd on the defensive and alienating her even further, but a parent’s job is sometimes to risk being unpopular in order to point out dangers , and that is better than seeing a policeman arrive on your doorstep with bad news.

There are situations which require a firm word, and situations which require immediate intervention and I think this qualifies as the latter.

You can frame it in terms of “you are a wonderful person and I love you too much not to come out and make sure you are ok”

Yep this would be me ! I would rather deal with the wrath of a stroppy 22year old than ……

ShanghaiDiva · 18/04/2024 19:13

SummerFeverVenice · 18/04/2024 17:22

Serving drinks with a bit of chit chat is not like escorting/sex work at all.
I did similar in the US as a young adult.

OP YABU, a man can just as easily get obsessed with a young woman and stalk her here. It’s a sad reality no matter where you go in the world as a young woman.

You are using this as an excuse to pressure her to come home for you. You need to let go and let her live her life.

I think you are minimising the potential risks. The dd does not have the appropriate visa to work in the country and she is ‘employed’ by someone who can potentially exploit her.

LakeTiticaca · 18/04/2024 19:03

Yanbu but you can only advise her that she is in a very vulnerable and potentially dangerous situation, and keep your fingers crossed she listens to the warning xx

StormingNorman · 18/04/2024 19:03

You can tell her to come home but she won’t listen. Your ex has the right approach in supporting her while giving her space.

Perhaps you could ask for a daily text or WhatsApp when she gets home for a couple of weeks?

zeibesaffron · 18/04/2024 18:42

As others have said you can’t force her to come home, I am wondering if you could help ensure she is safe there, just some thoughts - some my niece did when she travelled a few years ago in the far east/ Aus;

  • attack alarms
  • pepper spray
  • ring type doorbell if possible/ renting a room in a property with others or where there is some security
  • ensuring her friends have her on live 360 or snapchat locations
  • have a buddying system so she checks in to someone when she gets to work/ gets home from work
  • walks to and from work with someone
  • can you/ ex give her money so she always uses cabs late a night
  • get the right visa so she isn’t frightened of phoning the police
  • tell her manager - especially if theres an escalation

I would be absolutely the same as you OP in terms of worry, your ex is downplaying this xx

kitchenhelprequired · 18/04/2024 18:09

If she's in Japan she needs to be extremely careful. Working without the right visa can easily land you in jail. The police can hold someone without informing anyone for something like 14 days, the embassy will not help at all. She's being blinded by the money and whilst Japan is generally a very safe country it has an a very unsavoury underworld. The Lucie Blackman case should be enough of a deterrent - lecture away, you will never forgive yourself if you don't. Having said all that it might be better to see if you can direct her elsewhere rather than trying to demand she comes home, that will not end well.

Haydenn · 18/04/2024 17:46

I think the fact your solution is to tell her to come home probably has a lot do do with why she didn’t confide in you in the first place.

I’d encourage her to tell the bar owner, usually these places have policies about not harassing staff. See if she can travel back after shifts with a friend or something. Support her is getting the right visa. But I wouldn’t go telling her anything or laying down the law.

RobinStrike · 18/04/2024 17:41

PollyPut · 18/04/2024 16:22

Does she still have her passport? Has she left a photocopy with you as a backup? It wouldn't hurt to have a copy if she'll let you

This! Do check she is in possession of her passport, and that she can send you a scanned copy and have one in her emails for safety. Apart from that I don't know what you can do apart from suggest a friend has a location tracker of her phone and that she checks in with someone after each shift. My sympathies. I would be worried sick too.

unsync · 18/04/2024 17:23

Which country is she in? Presumably she's on a tourist visa, how much longer does she have on that?

SummerFeverVenice · 18/04/2024 17:22

Serving drinks with a bit of chit chat is not like escorting/sex work at all.
I did similar in the US as a young adult.

OP YABU, a man can just as easily get obsessed with a young woman and stalk her here. It’s a sad reality no matter where you go in the world as a young woman.

You are using this as an excuse to pressure her to come home for you. You need to let go and let her live her life.

PastaBaby2024 · 18/04/2024 17:13

All you can do is say you will be here when she wants to come back and she's always welcome home. Offer to buy her plane ticket.

Then stop with any lectures etc. Don't alienate her or it will make her too embarrassed to ask for help down the line.

She's an adult and all you can do is be there for her but she needs to figure it out. What an awful situation though.

kaben · 18/04/2024 17:12

35965a · 18/04/2024 16:29

I would approach it as ‘come back home and sort the appropriate visa before you get deported and will never be able to go back’

I agree with this.

the bloke who's obsessed with her is a fucking weird predator. he won't stop this behaviour, it'll just be someone else next. she needs to come home and get her papers in order and then consider whether she shoudl go back

and your exh is a demented twat for letting this all happen

DeedlessIndeed · 18/04/2024 16:34

Could you support her financially to move?
That way you can come across as you are trying to help her solve the problem that she acknowledges, without focussing on the problem that she doesn't want to tackle yet.

35965a · 18/04/2024 16:29

I would approach it as ‘come back home and sort the appropriate visa before you get deported and will never be able to go back’

Ponderingwindow · 18/04/2024 16:27

You can be very blunt about the risks she is taking. Not just the job she has chosen. Adding in that she is working illegally makes her even more vulnerable in that type of employment.

then you can tell her that whenever she asks, you will buy her a plane ticket home. Have the money ready to go. That way she knows if she needs to get out, she doesn’t have to save up to leave.

in the interim, the only thing you can really do is refuse to send her any money. Financial support is your only negotiating tool.

PollyPut · 18/04/2024 16:22

Does she still have her passport? Has she left a photocopy with you as a backup? It wouldn't hurt to have a copy if she'll let you

PrincessPeaches123 · 18/04/2024 16:11

Shut up and leave the welcome mat out. I've found transitioning to adult parenting incredibly hard. To me now the most important thing is to allow them to tell you anything. You can ask things like "are you worried? Is there anything I can do to help you?" I'd make my priority to get her to open up she won't come home to recriminations. Sounds awful for both of you.

Marbledleaves678 · 18/04/2024 15:59

As the mother of similarly aged dds, I am with you op! I’d be out of mind with worry and, if possible, on the first plane out there. I’d be sitting at the bar when she came on duty for the evening!

You can’t force her to come home but you can talk to her in a supportive way about choices. And by going there, you could assess her living situation, get a better picture close hand of the customer harassment situation and it would let her know that you are serious and that she is loved.

I’d be furious about your ex’s attitude to this too. Why isn’t he already on a plane?

Travelling and working abroad = fine and her choice.

Working illegally as a hostess in a bar -
= nope not fine at all imho as risky and exploitative (the good wage is given to mitigate the exploitation)

She may be an adult but she doesn’t have an accurate awareness of the broader picture here. You can talk to her calmly about the dangers, whether the extra money is worth it, what does this job add to her future progression etc?

I’d be discussing exactly what it is about about pandering to men’s more basic instincts, increases her self esteem? Maybe explore alternative ways of doing that?

You can then leave knowing you have done what you can and the rest is up to her. I might be tempted to have a serious word with the bar owner though about men harassing your daughter, just to put the wind up them a bit.

I know lots of people on here would consider that too heavy handed but I am just saying this is what I would do personally. Yes by doing all of this you will risk putting your dd on the defensive and alienating her even further, but a parent’s job is sometimes to risk being unpopular in order to point out dangers , and that is better than seeing a policeman arrive on your doorstep with bad news.

There are situations which require a firm word, and situations which require immediate intervention and I think this qualifies as the latter.

You can frame it in terms of “you are a wonderful person and I love you too much not to come out and make sure you are ok”

CattyCow · 18/04/2024 15:21

LiterallyOnFire · 18/04/2024 15:14

This story made me think of Lucie Blackman

Me too.

Me too.

But there's absolutely no point in arguing with your ex or her about coming home. You absolutely can't force her, she is an adult.

I would encourage her to share her phone location with a few friends/colleagues there, and to get herself a personal alarm/pepper spray and ring doorbell just in case.

FiveLamps · 18/04/2024 15:17

You can't tell an adult what to do.

I also lived overseas when I was in my 20s, and if my parents had told me to come home (or told me to do anything for that matter) I would have ignored them. In fact it would probably have made me more determined to stay!

Original poster
TeaAddicted · 18/04/2024 15:15

It's hard to convince her to change things. She was telling me on the phone that she's worked very hard at this club and is making good money from it, she's popular with the clients and they often request her company etc. It's very unsettling.

She seems happy and confident there and this is what my ex-husband keeps saying. At school she was quiet and often felt left out so I can see why she enjoys this. But she's blind to the dangers. She said the man was 'obsessive' but nice and sweet to her when they are in the bar. Of course he's nice to her, he probably has an agenda.

The Lucie Blackman story is terrifying. I have to be careful I don't come across as lecturing her or trying to spoil her fun new life, because I'm conscious her dad thinks I'm too overprotective and he might have said that to her.

I will research visas and see if I can support her with getting the right one. At least then she'd be safer.

OP posts:
LiterallyOnFire · 18/04/2024 15:14

This story made me think of Lucie Blackman

Me too.

Singleandproud · 18/04/2024 15:06

It's incredibly worrying but she's an adult. Instead of telling her to come home which won't happen and cause a rift can you afford to pay for some other sort of travelling experience whilst she's there to get her out of the area.

FiloPasty · 18/04/2024 15:03

SundayTulips · 18/04/2024 15:01

This story made me think of Lucie Blackman

Show quote history

Indeed very sad but still going on