AIBU to tell my daughter to come back home after living abroad?

I would try to get out there ASAP if possible .It sounds very worrying .However she is an Adult and you cant make her come home .Would it be at all possible for your DP to come with you? Can you contact the police or Japanese embassy here first? Going out there as a single woman may put you in danger too.

I think your use of the word "telling" in the original post is a concern that you think you are in charge. You are not, so handle any conversation with tact and intelligence.

You are absolutely right to be concerned about your daughter, but how you handle the situation is key I think. Lots of sound advice already.
Children rarely want to listen to parents advice - maybe write an email or letter to her outlining your concerns. Try to stay factual/limit emotional - this will hopefully mean she can process the information without pressure/reaction/emotion.
It might be worth making contact with the British counsel to see if they can support at all.
I don't think I would do it but a little bit of me could be tempted to tip off the authorities in Japan about her lack of visa........
Good luck

Having lived there for several years, Japan is in general much safer than the UK, and yes, including the hostess bars. Lucie Blackman was shocking because it was so unusual for the country.

However, if she got caught for visa fraud, anything to do with being involved in the criminal justice system in Japan is a nightmare - foreigners are often not given translators/interpreters, and also sleep deprivation is used to contribute to the ~94% conviction rate (my figures may be out of date) largely based on "confessions" which may not have been ethically obtained.

If she has a degree, it would be very easy to get a decent TEFL job out there, but would need to come home and apply properly. Without a degree, I believe it's still possible but harder (not sure, own research required)
https://jetprogramme.org/en/ is well supported and generally paid better than the commercial English schools.

Also, Tokyo isn't particularly representative of Japan in general, as London isn't of the UK - maybe suggest that if she's interested in having a more authentic experience, she could also take time living somewhere else in the country, and having a legit job route would mean she could travel/work around the country in different areas more - presenting benefits to alternatives that might appeal to her more, rather than just trying to stop an adult doing something they want to, which isn't likely to be that successful.

Is there a support organisation in the country that you can find and put her in touch with OP? One for women or expats preferably, or I'm sorry to say for prostituted people. She's pretty vulnerable without a visa, no matter how tough and grown up she thinks she is.

Also your husband needs to step up.

She won’t engage with the police presumably for fear of her irregular visa status being flagged. I mean, I agree with you that working in a hostess club isn’t n itself in any way concerning, apart, obviously, from the fairly problematic idea of men buying a woman’s attention. My sister lived in Tokyo for years and far preferred it to her daytime gig of yea hing babies English with flash cards.

My sister has lived in Japan for 35 years and worked as a bar hostess at a similar age. It’s not sex work it’s basically chit chat. Like a sort of social club.

Lucie Blackman came across a psycho maniac who killed her. As far as I remember he hired her for private English lessons.

She should speak to the manager in the first instance. If he doesn’t bar the guy she can find another club. Maybe have a work with the local police too.

Suggest she watches Tokyo Vice. It’s a great tv series based on a real journalist’s experience. Set in the 80s though, but might open her eyes a bit to yakuza and realities of working in a hostess club.

I would be so worried about her. I may be reading into this too much, but when she says she's "worried about other girls taking her clients" - is that just an excuse to give you as to why she doesn't "want" to leave? There may be something she isn't telling you, which is the actual reason why she "can't" leave. I'd be booking a flight out there ASAP, even if it meant leaving your husband at home to look after your youngest.

He's already crossed a SERIOUS line following her home. I would be going out there and seeing what was going on. Yes, 22 year olds are adults and you can't order them home, but she sounds incredibly naive.

This isn't just being a cocktail waitress, looking pretty and having a good way with making men feel good through nice chat and compliments... she has regular "clients" and from what others have said the people that run these places have mafia like dodgy connections. This has trafficking vibes!

I would personally tell her you would prefer she came home but you are going to out money aside as an emergency get home fund for her. Keep it but tell her that any time she needs to escape you will buy her ticket home without hesitation. Treat her like an adult - not your baby. I know she is your baby but still.

@TeaAddicted I also think you should repost or change the title plus possibly change to Living Overseas. The title is very misleading- many without additional information would answer no to your question. It doesn't reflect the very specific situation and definitely plays down what's going on.

@TeaAddicted your concerns are completely valid so please don't allow your ex to get into your head on this one. Do your own research on this kind of thing. Start by watching and reading anything on Lucie Blackman. Join the Brit Mum’s in Japan and British Expats in Japan Facebook groups and see if anyone has any suggestions of what you might be able to do or even can be of some on the ground support to DD. She is caught up in an underworld of illegal working for the wrong people. Given your ex's stance I think you need to be able to show him why he should be concerned (that's his bloody daughter for goodness sake). This is not the nice, safe Japan you read about, it's the weird other side which gets glossed over. If going was DD's dream why didn't she apply for a working holiday visa from the UK - not that that would allow her to work where she is and for very good reason.

Is she in Shinjuku (Tokyo)?
I was there recently and accidentally stumbled upon the red light district. It was quite scary, lots of tough looking bouncers and people shouting ‘titties and beer’ and trying to get people into shady looking clubs. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough (which was hard, I was lost and it was massive). You’re right to be concerned OP.

There are other parts of Asia, which are easier to work in then she could try again.

also Australia, but what she is doing is so dangerous and risky. It’s just not worth it

Can you not stay with your DD to keep costs down?

She is now on the radar for some very unsavoury people, I don’t think it’s possible to move into teaching English etc. she needs some help to regain her self confidence, australia on a working visa a far better option.
for those commenting, it’s 100% not like Wetherspoons more like an episode of criminal minds!

I would visit and get on at her about sorting out a proper work visa!

can she teach on an esol scheme

Well, it isn’t. From what the OP says, her daughter works as a hostess in this kind of environment, where customers pay for a drink that gets them a hostess’s attention for a certain period, and she’s on commission.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Host_and_hostess_clubs#:~:text=A%20hostess%20club%20is%20a,male%20staff%20attend%20to%20women.

She is worried if she comes home for a while the other girls will take 'her clients'? This doesn't sound like your usual, random wetherspoons type bar - although granted I have never been there so no idea what is 'normal'.

Your DD (and ExH) sounds like they are being very naive and I would be very concerned, like you are. Could some kind of incentive to get her home work, even just for a little while, to try find out exactly what has been going on and talk her into some sensible decisions?

Can you offer her the money to give up the job and move elsewhere instead of you spending it on a fare - I don't think she is safe with someone following her home. Does she want to visit somewhere else? She could go on a tourist visa to Australia for example.
I don't mean give her all your savings but juyst to get her out of there quickly.

I’m in my 40’s though but when I was in my 20’s the girls I met backpacking that did it, there were lots of “sugar daddy” type situations expensive gifts etc Jimmy choos, expensive restaurants with these special customers etc yes they say no sex etc but after a while it is expected and these things can escalate, I don’t know enough as I never went but some of the stories were very chilling.
Not trying to scare you OP but as another mother with teenage girls I think you are very right to worry.

I would be worried that you don't know the whole story yet, Op.

It sounds incredibly worrying but I think that your ex has the right approach.

The bar owners though are usually members of the yakuza - the Japanese mafia, these hostess bars are illegal (imagine here Bulgarian girls working in bars where they are paid to talk to English men) this is not a normal bar set up, it’s very very dangerous and the daughter has told her parents she feels uncomfortable with some advances. I would be out there in a flash, the daughter although an adult is way out of her depth and whether she realises or not is being exploited.