AIBU to tell my daughter to come back home after living abroad?

Well, it's pretty clear that she is in a bad situation without actually having to go there. She is working illegally in what is essentially part of the sex industry. The issue is that she has chosen that lifestyle. The OP can express her concern and encourage her dd to rethink, but it doesn't seem likely that the dd is going to listen.

These suggestions are a great way to support her. If you give her those and tell her you will pay for her to come home any time, you are doing your best. Then leave it be.

As infuriating as it might be, I would leave the youngest at home with your DP and ask ex to go with you. I think your daughter having both of her parents there may be better for having that conversation and I wouldn't think going on your own would be the best idea. You won't be allowed in the bar for a start to check it out, I imagine it would be men only, so you could get ex to pose as a customer to go in and see what was actually happening there. Its really scary though, I hope you get her back home.

You can assess whether she is already in a 'bad' situation

I worked a Summer as a language assistance in the JET Scheme, in the 1990s (so, a lifetime ago!) - but a lot of the girls were offered cash in hand work in this type of bar. We thought we were all young and invincible in those days (and I did this myself for a short while, when I first moved to Australia - although I did have a correct work visa.) I think that all you can do, is speak with her about the concerns you have - so, the type of work she is doing; and the fact it seems that she doesn't actually have a work visa. (If I've read your posts correctly....)

If you can go and visit/have a holiday with her, you can have time to properly discuss it all - and see the situation. I'm certainly not advocating for her to continue with your blessing/support, but I wonder if you can point out some things - gently - whilst you were there with her.

I think the main concern remains about her safety, so you should really press that home. But, when it comes down to it, she is an adult.

I lived in Japan for a long time a long time ago and could easily have slipped into he same kind of work as your daughter had circumstances been different. I got a job teaching in an English conversation school a few days after arriving and after a few trips to Korea to extend my tourist visa I got a working visa and continued teaching for 10+ years. I think she's in the wrong place with the wrong circle of friends. Can you visit and travel with her to different cities? She may be able to very quickly settle in another part of the country. I'm biased but Kyoto is absolutely wonderful.

It is incredibly common for UK, Australian and American young women to work in hostess bars.

It is also virtually 100% of the hostesses are on tourist visas.

Has she been to any other parts of Japan? You both might be happier with her somewhere else.

My carer loves Japan and has been a few times. Culturally they have these odd hostess / maid bars that is difficult to explain.

I don't think just turning up would be a good idea OP. A visit is fine but just turning up might end your relationship. At the moment she is in touch and being honest with you, you do not want to spoil that.

She could take a TEFL course in Japan and then teach English.

In similar sorts of conversations with my ex-husband I said to him that I would only speak to him when he was prepared to put our daughter's well-being above his own convenience.

He did come round.

But what do you think the OP can do by going out there? Are you expecting her to drag her dd kicking and screaming onto a plane home? Ultimately, no matter how worried she might be, her dd is an adult and she will make her own decisions.

Of course the OP will be worried about the fact that her dd has made a series of very poor decisions, but she can't actually control that. She can reason and persuade, and she can offer support with practical stuff, and yes, going out there might shock the dd into thinking a bit more about what she is doing, but in the end, the dd will be free to make her own decision. You can't just tell an adult child what to do.

What a worry. Can't offer advice but wish you both well.

You have no cards to play other than listening, advising, being supportive, and letting her know that you have the ability to book her on a flight home the minute she wants to return.

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Also make sure she knows there is no loss of face for deciding to come home. Coming home voluntarily will not stop her going back in the future. Being deported would probably stop her returning and also will likely mean she would lose all her possessions. Immigration police are not likely to let her go home and pack.

Some years ago I saw an interview with a British woman convicted of drug smuggling in SE Asia. One of the things which struck me was that she said she had ended up in criminality because a period of ill health meant she could no longer support herself legitimately. She didnt want to seem like a failure to her family.

Going out there will achieve nothing, given that she wants to continue what she is doing. Getting too demanding or emotional with her could build barriers that may lead to her not listening to you.
Yes, you will worry. But you will worry more if she stops calling or stops sharing information with you.
You have no cards to play other than listening, advising, being supportive, and letting her know that you have the ability to book her on a flight home the minute she wants to return.

This is not your ex's fault, and YABU. She is an adult not a child. Of you are worried, but she needs to live her life.

Any parent would fear for their daughter in this scenario,men paying for female company is always going to be risky and perhaps bring the daughter into contact with an entitled dangerous man and the added elements of being abroad.

Please ignore all the posters saying ' she's an adult you can't tell her what to do.Blah blah '. I think.if they had a young daughter in the same situation they would think very differently.

By working illegally she risks being arrested and jailed .she has has put herself in a very vulnerable position whereby she could be easily blackmailed into doing things she doesn't want to do and clients, employers or anyone, will know that she can't go to the police if a crime is committed against her. YOu don't know this isn't happening already! I would be getting out there!

@LiterallyOnFire
she won't go to the police because of her illegal status

Her status is legal. She has a legal, valid visa covering her stay in the country that permits her to work. The problem is her current occupation isn’t permitted by the visa. That’s a minor immigration infraction. Much the same as students exceeding the hour limits of work on their study visas. The police aren’t going to refuse to help her if she is a victim of a crime. She can go to them. She has recourse to them.

Just be honest that you think she won’t go to them and that is your opinion instead of stating she can’t as if it were fact when it is not true.

What a vivid imagination you have to fully construct exactly what the DD thinks and the decisions she might make. Just please take note that there is a world of a difference between saying “no recourse to police help”, “couldnt go to the police” as facts when it is actually your opinion as to what you speculate the DD may decide to do.

She does have recourse to them. You don’t know what she is or is not willing to do.

she had no recourse to the police and she couldn’t go to the police, when as a matter of fact, she can. She won’t get thrown in prison. The worst that might happen is deportation. Which isn’t a big deal for her because she has a safe home with OP in her home country. The DD isn’t a woman who would be deported to Rwanda.

It's a big deal to her. She doesn't want to come home. She doesn't want to be deported and she won't go to the police because of her illegal status (and probably also pressure from the club).

So for all practical purposes, she doesn't have recourse to law enforcement. She's just not willing to go to them.

Am I going to have to go back and read chunks of OP's posts to you?

I've never heard anything so silly as my reiteration of the situation being a threat to OP's DD.

She might not if OP passes on your comments saying she can’t go to the police, that is why I challenged you. This young woman shouldn’t be made afraid to seek police help by her mum via MN if she does become the victim of a crime. If she decides not to for other reasons, we can’t influence that.

Oh for the love of goodness, read the thread @SummerFeverVenice

The DD is already very much of the position that she can't approach the police.

I spent years in Japan, I was there when Lucie Blackman died. I also spent years working in an advice centre for foreign residents.

Japan is extremely safe overall, but your dd has unfortunately made herself far more vulnerable because of the poor choices that she has made. Hostess work isn't technically prostitution and a lot of people will fiercely defend the difference but in reality the line is blurred and lots of hostesses do end up getting paid to have sex/ provide sexual services etc. Casual assaults are also common - groping etc. Hostessing certainly isn't considered "respectable" work by ordinary Japanese people - it is viewed as part of the sex industry. Because of this, a lot of foreigners who end up in this work tend to be working illegally, like your daughter.

It sounds like she was shy and struggled to get a job in the UK, so the attention that she'll be getting in Japan is probably giving her a massive ego boost which might be hard to walk away from. It's very easy for the most ordinary Westerner to feel like a bit of a celebrity there, and unfortunately it sometimes goes to people's heads.

She is in a very precarious position, unfortunately, although not a terribly unusual one. She has clearly made some very bad decisions, and working illegally is never a good plan. Given how things have evolved, it would probably be much better for her to come home, but ultimately, she is an adult and you can't just "tell her" what to do.

I hope that she will come to her senses some time soon and realise that this isn't any way to live.

She might not if OP passes on your comments saying she can’t go to the police, that is why I challenged you. This young woman shouldn’t be made afraid to seek police help by her mum via MN if she does become the victim of a crime. If she decides not to for other reasons, we can’t influence that.

Ok, glad you agree that the DD can go to the police as you said she had no recourse to the police and she couldn’t go to the police, when as a matter of fact, she can. She won’t get thrown in prison. The worst that might happen is deportation. Which isn’t a big deal for her because she has a safe home with OP in her home country. The DD isn’t a woman who would be deported to Rwanda.

Well you can say that, and I'd agree with you but the question is, would the DD go to the police?

@LiterallyOnFire
Sorry, but working a job not allowed by your visa doesn’t mean you can’t report a crime to the police. Yes, the DD may end up deported as a result, but OP would probably welcome that. If the DD is a victim of a crime, she should still go to the police.

Sorry. The autocorrect is very lairy tonight. It's changing all the prepositions and small words. I hope you can make sense of it.