To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

Sorry, man writing.
I agree. It is perfectly normal to want a high earning partner.
Frankly, I am impressed that you are open to being self-aware with it.
The housework is excessive but it depends whether it is being physically or emotionally. Either way, it is a bad sign.

I don’t think either of you sound like wonderful relationship material. And your long term goals are totally at odds with each other. How is this going to work out when you’re coming at things from such different directions? You are poles apart and it doesn’t sound like either of you are going to change, or want to change.

It doesn’t seem to have occurred to him to improve his skill set so he can do the job he wants, or ask himself why you would want to support him to be a sahd when he can’t even do his share of the cleaning. It doesn’t seem to have occurred to you that he is a person in his own right and not simply a stepping stone to the financial security you want, or that people’s lives can change in the flick of a switch and if it’s earning potential that is a big factor in who you choose to be with, you’re always going to be relying on luck.

I think you already resent him and you can see that that resentment is just going to grow as time goes on. You know it’s not going to work long term. I think you should stop wasting each other’s time.

Let the poor bloke go free, please!

A PhD often doesn't give a premium on earnings (unless there are really special circumstances - say it's super-quantitative and financial maths added to a first, very prestigious maths or physics degree).

Not sure of the exact stats but at present now a massive financial loss for many people (especially including the opportunity cost for lost earnings etc).

It's nice to do, but for corporate employers it's often seen as a bit of a liability/personal interest project.

And unfortunately a lot of the mannerisms and working styles of people who are in academia aren't seen as super-desirable (a bit pernickety and argumentative and inflexible).

If someone is already in the career path they want, established in their professional networks, and doing a post-grad qualification alongside, fair enough.

Someone coming fresh in as an outsider expecting better treatment as they've spent 4 years on low pay doing something super-specialised (which no-one else really understands and doesn't necessarily show skills or ability beyond a good first degree) may not be welcomed with open arms.

Lots of money earnt younger makes life a lot easier. Especially with PP like @CorinneA42 talking about getting sick and unable to work.... Well that's why you need to earn while you can.

Should the worst happen you can sell and move to a cheaper area. You don't have that option if you never made enough to begin with.

YANBU OP.

I myself made it a priority to have a DH earning at the same level. Our youthful efforts have enabled one of us to comfortably go PT with kids in our mid-30's. We could even survive on 1 more modest wage. Granted we moved out of London to buy and work in another city, we invest our money elsewhere but it's fine for you to want to invest in London housing.

It's not about fancying him though is it ?

She says it is. Time to get shot @breezea and find yourself a rich man. Do both of you a favour.

One thing I've learned is that you should only set your sights on what you can provide for yourself. Then anything additional you acquire by pooling resources with a partner is a bonus. Life is unpredictable. Partners you may think have high earning potential don't realise it. They lose jobs, they get sick, they unexpectedly want a change of direction, they leave you, they behave horribly but you're too dependent on their contribution to leave them..
Your best bet is to adjust your expectations in line with your own sole income. Then you can decide whether to continue with your current partner or take a gamble on meeting a wealthier one, all the time safe in the knowledge of what you can provide for and by yourself.

I would dump you over this.

If money is your primary goal then focus on making as much money as you can rather than expect somebody else to do it for you.

I would not want a partner who think my most important quality is how much money I have in the bank.

I think ultimately he’s not the one that you will be happy with in the long run. And you know what you should do!

Being in your late twenties is a prime stage for moving on from someone. I wouldn't blame you, OP.

I don't think posters should be calling him a cocklodger though - he's made a crap joke about it, that's all! As things stand, he is working and earning - just not at OP's preferred level!

Agree that he ought to do his share of domestic chores but I'll be honest, most people will sit back and let someone else do it, if that someone else seems willing.

But none of that matters now - the feeling has gone, you want someone different, so the kindest thing is to end it sooner rather then later and hopefully you both meet partners more attuned to your own thinking.

Slight warning though OP, men who earn a lot can also be lazy and entitled. And not always kind or supportive - if a relationship is founded on both parties always bring ambitious, working hard, earning lots, it can come apart if anything goes wrong. We are all one accident or illness away from disability, unemployment etc. choose a man who is kind and respectful first.

To examine your own true motivations you can ask yourself 'why is that important to you' about 2 or 3 times, again after each answer you give.

For example; Why do you want to be wealthy and have a good flat in a desirable part of London?

Because I grew up poor and want to prove myself.

Why is it important for you to prove yourself?

Because if I earn a lot of money and buy nice things with it, people will look at me in a favourable way.

Why is looking good to other people important to you?

Because I don't want to feel bad about myself like I did when I was poor.

Etc etc, obviously your answers might look different to this, but its really important to have a clear look at what it is you really want. Because most people want a partner to have companionship, emotional and practical support and potentialy to have a family with. You seem to want a partner as a means to an end, to support your 'ideal' future life. Is that's what you really want then so be it, but it doesn't sound like what your partner wants, so it may be that you have different values in this way. It isn't unusual for people to break up during their 20s/ early 30s, when people are still developing somewhat.

What do you mean you’re not going to achieve what you want to? If you’re not with him you won’t anyway. You’re literally looking at him like he’s a cash cow.

It's somewhat easier (though still difficult) if you begin with a small house in Greater London or Hertfordshire. If OP is earning in the region I'm guessing she is, and her partner is earning something, that's possible albeit still hard.

I don't think OP should be hell bent on a central London home as their first purchase; not many people ever do that. Perhaps a little adjustment of expectations. But if she and the guy aren't on the same page and don't want the same things, that's unlikely to be resolved. It's easy to get sidetracked with talk of materialism and filthy lucre when the point of contention is salary, but it comes down to the same thing. It's not about being a wonderful spiritual person, it's about building your life with someone who has the same goals.

Op it's fine to not want to be with him anymore.

I wouldn't either. The not pulling his weight at home would put me right off. And suggesting he could give up work would have me out the door.

I actually think it's sensible to be recognising the life you will build with him isn't the life you want. Regardless of the reason why. But I think finances can be a big deal breaker, so if you aren't on the same page , it's best to go your separate ways.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a plan and wanting to stick to it. Even if the plan is based on money. Theres nothing wrong on leaving and looking for someone you love AND who is ambitious and driven. Just because you love (or used to love) someone, doesn't mean you are compatible and have to be together.

"I do all of his laundry for example."

If he doesn't know that that's not on, without being told, that's a deal breaker. These things tend to get worse, not better, when children enter the equation. Get out now.

I think a lot of people are missing the 'London' issue.

In London if you want to buy you need two high earners ( 6 figures) or an inheritance to get you started even at the bottom of the ladder. You're looking at £600K as a minimum for central London for a tiny flat conversion.

OP can see that owning a home is not even possible with this guy.

I wouldnt find this attractive either. He doesnt have to be completely goal driven, and obviously it's disheartening to be turned down for roles. However there is so very much out there for people wanting to upskill, retrain etc from workshops to online advice and forums it's all there.

& why doesn't he go for roles he's qualified for, as opposed to those he isn't? There's nothing wrong with what you want at all, 'money doesn't matter' or thinking a woman shouldn't say she'd like more of it so as to have a certain lifestyle, is just silly. Life isn't a fairytale. But if your aims aren't aligned your relationship is pretty much doomed anyway. He'll be coasting along, secure in you being the hardest worker and higher earner.

You have some decisions to make.

You need to leave him. Your goals in life are totally different and neither of you will ever be happy. That is the pure and simple answer.

You don't love him anymore and really that's all you need to know.

I feel sorry for people who are so money driven, it is so shallow and materialistic...
You know you can get sick and not being able to work? That can happen to anyone. What then? Will your life not make sense?

You simply are not compatible. The relationship has had problems all along and you clearly don't like him much.

@breezea He's not a wonderful guy is he?

He's lazy, not ambitious enough (for you) and doesn't want the same things. You've pretty much belittled everything he does.

Using the 'excuse' you had a poor background is pretty lame.

You want a certain type of partner and he isn't the one.

Four years together is not a lot.

Move on and don't waste time.

I don't think you are being nasty op
You are entitled to feel how you feel but you must decide what your priorities are and what you want out if life. If money is more important to you than your partner you should leave him as it seems he is not motivated by money, the difference in priorities are likely to become a much bigger issue as time goes on

Wow.

Money isn't everything. It sure as hell helps. But it isn't everything. If you live your life chasing money over everything else - companionship, friendship, kindness, support, respect.....you'll be forever unhappy. In my opinion, anyway.

There's a balance to be had. Some people don't earn as much as others. They are not lesser people because of it.