To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

@oakleaffy, She did not say she was him for his money.I have been rich and poor and when I was poor I was also 5'7", a bit dim in the way of the world and lazy round the house. Once i was well off, I was 5'11", very clever, wise, great around the house and a great cook.
She is with a man who is far poorer than expected, who is clearly in a vulnerable place emotionally. She has lost attraction because of that and it is perfectly understandable. She stuck with him while he was a PhD student, so she is clearly not a pure gold digger.

What about this for a scenario. You break up and circumstances change. He gets a break and earns great money and / or you lose your job. Would you want him back ? Your entitled to your own values but they seem very shallow to me. Money and material goods dont equal happiness.

Incorrect. Depends on the area in the City. If you are looking at some Economics/Econometrics speciality areas which are very well paid, you can find a lot of PhDs. What you say about age is incorrect also. I almost did a PhD and I would have been finished by 24. Five years is enough to make serious salary progression in some areas. I did a top MBA and my salary tripled over a short period before I was thirty.

Whilst I don’t necessarily disagree with you, I think we need to acknowledge that saying ‘being wealthy really isn’t important’ is only a luxury afforded to people who live in countries with a welfare state and free healthcare, otherwise bring wealthy really is important. OP says she is from an immigrant background so possibly views money / wealth very differently to someone who was born in the uk.

Actually, what is odd is someone earning a lot of money and taking time out at 2pm ish on a workday to post on Mumsnet :)

The unreasonable part of this is you being his skivvy.

Your aspirations no longer match, so I can see why your attraction is waning. Shared values are important for a successful relationship, so having such different attitudes towards something as fundamental as finances is not a good start.

As for his ‘joke’ - that would dry me right up!

I think you need to step back and ask yourself if prestige is something you value more than the love of a good man. You seem determined to appear to have made something of yourself after a poor childhood and I get that but, what would happen if you meet a man who earns what you deem to be enough but there’s other attributes that you don’t like?
However, I’m not sure you have respect for the guy you are with now, so maybe you should let him find someone who does.

x-d posts- agree.

PhDs are useful for computer science and data roles.

You have to prioritise what it is you want.

A. Him as he is and the lifestyle that comes with it
B. The chance at finding someone else more closely aligned to the lifestyle you want

Which bit don't stack up for you @blueshoes ?

They could have done full time PhDs and be finished them by 25.
BSc by 21 , 1 year for a Masters and 3 years for a PhD.
Then they have worked for a few years.

I agree about salaries to a point.

There are jobs in computer science where someone with a PhD could earn £100K by age 30(Google, etc) but that would mean the partner here was earning 1/5th of that. Likewise in banking and especially investment banking.

These jobs are in the City (or at least London not just the financial sector.)

There’s an imbalance. You’re not his mother. What if you want to stay home with the children or drop some hours? Money isn’t everything. But I think you need to be on the same page. What do you really want op? If it’s a flat in central London you may need a different guy. Or to rethink your priorities but in your twenties I think you should be putting yourself first. Don’t do what I did and let the guy hold you back.

@blueshoes

Don't know about the OP but I know lots of people in the city with phds.

Mostly quantitative analyst/programming etc with a background in large data sets and some serious maths.

Rightly or wrongly, you have lost respect for him.

On that basis alone, the relationship is doomed.

Move on and prioritise someone who fits your ideal in other words minted but don't be surprised if they don't deliver on other aspects of the relationship. You will almost certainly have to compromise somewhere - only you can decide where your line is.

Perfect, ambitious, career driven, aspirational, kind, funny, evolved and loving men DO exist, but they are few and far between - and they will have a fairly aspirational 'wish list' for a partner that you may not necessarily fulfill.

No response from the OP.

You do wonder why posters bother if they don't come back....

I seriously do. If he is not violent, not a narc, not vicious, etc. it is already a huge bonus. Not so many normal people out there, let alone nice. If you think there is always somebody nice out there for everyone, you are wrong, I am afraid. A good friend of mine is still waiting for a prince, aged 58. Ain't gonna happen, but she had some good options in her time. Do you think we are all married to princes and deliriously happy? Naaa

Leave him. He can’t keep up with you. What a loser.

So you divide society up into winners and losers? And I'm guessing losers are those who are less attractive? Less "clever" maybe even dare I say, disabled?
You don't sound clever at all to me dear, you sound thick as mince. Please do share a photo of your attractive selves.

OP, something in your timeline and story does not ring true.

You are both late twenties but somehow both managed to fit in a PHD.

You have now worked your way to a high paying job where you significantly out earn him and he is only earning a 5th of what he could be earning. What, in his late twenties? You both cannot be working for more than 5 years.

Very few jobs in the City - I assume you work there because that is where people who want high paying jobs go in London - require a PhD. As a poster says, the qualities of a PhD do not translate well into the cut throat pragmatic commercial field. City employers do not tend to value PhDs, sometimes the opposite. But both of you ended up doing PhDs - why?

This is a bit confusing and not in line with the profile of people who work in the City. Perhaps you can explain.

Do you think that's a good enough reason to stay in a relationship, though?

OP the first thing that struck me actually is that you do the domestic chores.

This alone would make me hurl. I can not abide men who aren't fully fledged independent individuals.

Secondly your financial independence and career should come first above and beyond partners and getting married.

I could not build a partnership with someone who treats me like their support human.

Go off on your own is my advice.

Late 20s is the time to be calling off a long term relationship if it's not your forever relationship. Not uncommon at all. And you aren't being unreasonable: you know what you want out of life, he has changed his path. Just realistic.

I think you need to tell him.

It's not just about money, it's about many other things aswell, how driven he is, how motivated, how aware, how willing to keep going and pushing, finding out what is needed and actioning it, or recognising something isn't possible but still circumnavigating and trying all other ways to get to the same destination.

So he doesn't actually have the personality traits you thought.

Let him go and be free to find someone who loves him for him. Then you can focus on finding someone who measures up in terms of anticipated future cashflows. I hope that is enough to make you happy in the long term.

When I met my DH I was already a high flyer earning significantly more than he did. Didn't matter diddly squat to me because I loved him and respected him for all his values. Twenty odd years later he is flying very high in his career and is still a good man. I'm proud of what he has achieved but I am more proud of the life and family we have built together. Life really can throw some curve balls and it is wise to choose someone you think you can weather those with and financial appraisal is only one small part of the picture.

I think it is so obvious that the love has gone by the awful way you write about him. Do yourselves both a favour and call it a day and take out an ad in the Sunday Times lonely hearts saying 'Millionaire wanted' (especially if expect to live in Central London - good luck with that).

Totally agree with this @breezea You clearly are only interested in someone for their earning potential and status. Do him a favour and split up with him, so that he can find someone who loves him for himself.

You, too will be happier with someone who wants the same things you do. The two of you are clearly no longer compatible