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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

332 replies

breezea · 18/04/2024 14:18

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 18/04/2024 20:51

Sweden99 · 18/04/2024 20:44

It felt like it! I was immediately more attractive frankly. When I earned more money I suddenly looked taller, more capable etc
The OP is not saying he is not earning enough, so she is leaving.
She is saying he is no longer attractive to her, and she wants to leave because of that.

Show quote history

You really didn’t. You looked exactly the same but with a fatter wallet. That’s what those women who were suddenly interested saw in you. Men’s capacity for self delusion never fails to amaze me.

NotAgainWilson · 18/04/2024 20:49

PastaBaby2024 · 18/04/2024 14:50

I have a similar background to yours, it takes a lot of work to climb out of poverty. However the money is actually a red herring. The lack of drive and ambition and the laziness is VERY unattractive. My exH was like this. Promised the world, thought he was the BEST but he was actually lazy, not as capable as he thought, did ZERO around the house, felt very threatened by my career and money and the more money I earned, the more he put me down!

I still have a very well paid job. My DP earns less than me (civil service). But it's still a very good salary and more importantly he is smart, ambitious, I really respect what he does, and he IS an equal partner in all respects. He does his fair share and, now that I am pregnant, is taking very good care of me. Money is not an issue, ever. And if I woke up tomorrow and wanted a more chilled out job, he would 100% support me in anything I want to do.

This. It is not about the money, it is the mismatched ambitions.

I’m sure OP you should let him go before you resent him more BUT, bear in mind that mismatched ambition is always present and you will need to find the middle ground as, if you find someone with the same level of ambition, you might end up splitting up as your ambitions take you both in different directions.

qwertyasdfgzxcv · 18/04/2024 20:47

What does he earn?

Sweden99 · 18/04/2024 20:44

User0224 · 18/04/2024 20:09

Please explain how you were poor at 5ft 7in and became rich at 5ft 11in? Is it heels I’ve been missing all my life?

Show quote history

It felt like it! I was immediately more attractive frankly. When I earned more money I suddenly looked taller, more capable etc
The OP is not saying he is not earning enough, so she is leaving.
She is saying he is no longer attractive to her, and she wants to leave because of that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/04/2024 20:41

OP not been back? STUNNED I tell you.

Topsyturvy78 · 18/04/2024 20:40

Stop doing it for him then. He is aiming to high. He needs to start at the bottom so he gains experience and work his way up. But if he's expecting you to support him he also needs to support you.

Didyarighto · 18/04/2024 20:39

Divorce him for his sake. Let him be happy.

BIossomtoes · 18/04/2024 20:39

but it certainly made me seem genuinely smarter and taller to many women.

Seem is doing a lot of heavy lifting there. It just made you look richer.

BruFord · 18/04/2024 20:36

Well you don’t love him do you? You clearly want to be part of a wealthy successful partnership and he doesn’t qualify.

That’s what it boils down to, @SophieinParis , she doesn’t love him, their values aren’t aligned so they should part ways now.

At nearly 50, I’ve seen huge changes in my friends’ careers-from the investment banker married to a trader who lost his job in the 2008 financial crisis and has earned far less ever since (they’re happy, she’s fine being the main breadwinner) to the engineer who retrained as a nurse in her 40’s and now earns far less, but she’s very good at her job. Her DH didn’t dump her either.

If you love each other, you generally adapt to changes; if you don’t, best to finish it now.

Sweden99 · 18/04/2024 20:35

NonPlayerCharacter · 18/04/2024 19:59

Your wealth bought you four inches of height?

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No, but it certainly made me seem genuinely smarter and taller to many women. I do not think the OP is looking for a payday, I think she finds him unattractive now. He has low status, is emotionally needy and poorer than expected. That is perfectly normal.

Crapuscular · 18/04/2024 20:29

Ditch him then.

hattie43 · 18/04/2024 20:24

Reading your post OP makes me cringe , so mercenary. As long as bills are paid there is so much more to a person than how much money they earn .

Octavia64 · 18/04/2024 20:17

blueshoes · 18/04/2024 19:59

Ok, so data science roles in the City require PhDs. Quants as well. Forgive my lack of imagination. I was thinking along the lines of front office roles in PE, Investment Banking, Consultancy and BigLaw.

£100K by 30 is not all that much in terms of City pay. I assumed the OP was aiming higher than that.

I did economics and maths at uni so my friends are mainly economists/mathematicians/computer scientists.

Very possible to be on a lot more than 100k at 30 with a PhD and those sorts of skills

(Of course, some also went into academia/teaching/etc etc)

SophieinParis · 18/04/2024 20:17

Well you don’t love him do you? You clearly want to be part of a wealthy successful partnership and he doesn’t qualify. I think you are being a bit cold and might run into problems at some point where relationships are concerned. People are people, with flaws, anomalies, health issues, wrong decisions. Even if you meet someone that qualifies as a high earning ambitious partner they might well
not want a flat in central london, they might lose their job, become ill, decide to opt out of the rat race to make artisan cheese. And if you love someone you support them and see it as the whole package, not a salary on legs.

FakeMiddleton · 18/04/2024 20:14

Packingcubesqueen · 18/04/2024 19:58

It’s fine to not want to do all the cooking and cleaning when you both work. But being upset that he doesn’t earn as much as you thought he might is ridiculous.

How is it any different to "he's not as kind/funny/Conservative/Labour/artsy/dry as I thought"?

Shan5474 · 18/04/2024 20:13

I think yabu if it’s just about the money. If he’s a good guy and as you say has decent hours and good pay then that’s plenty more than many men tbh.

However yanbu if it’s that your life goals don’t align with each other. Or if there are other problems in the relationship. I would be very annoyed to have a high flying career (maybe with stress or long hours) and then have to cook, clean and wash for my partner. I would probably tell him (only half jokingly) if he wants to be a househusband he needs to show me he’d actually be good at housework!!

adviceneeded1990 · 18/04/2024 20:12

You can leave him for any reason you want. I’d imagine a lot of people wouldn’t want to be with someone who values earning potential and financial wealth so highly though so perhaps look at setting aims for flats etc at what you can achieve alone. There’s no pockets in a shroud as my granny used to say!

User0224 · 18/04/2024 20:09

Sweden99 · 18/04/2024 19:56

@oakleaffy, She did not say she was him for his money.I have been rich and poor and when I was poor I was also 5'7", a bit dim in the way of the world and lazy round the house. Once i was well off, I was 5'11", very clever, wise, great around the house and a great cook.
She is with a man who is far poorer than expected, who is clearly in a vulnerable place emotionally. She has lost attraction because of that and it is perfectly understandable. She stuck with him while he was a PhD student, so she is clearly not a pure gold digger.

Please explain how you were poor at 5ft 7in and became rich at 5ft 11in? Is it heels I’ve been missing all my life?

CaliGurl · 18/04/2024 20:08

Londonscallingme · 18/04/2024 19:52

Whilst I don’t necessarily disagree with you, I think we need to acknowledge that saying ‘being wealthy really isn’t important’ is only a luxury afforded to people who live in countries with a welfare state and free healthcare, otherwise bring wealthy really is important. OP says she is from an immigrant background so possibly views money / wealth very differently to someone who was born in the uk.

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And as much as I hate to say it our 'free' healthcare is so bad that many are having to go private. Especially if you have a child with SEN or MH issues. It can be the difference between having a happy, healthy well adjusted young adult or .. well I don't want to type the opposite.

It shouldn't be this way. But it is.

Anxiouslump · 18/04/2024 20:07

Sounds like you don’t love him, you love his money, and fair play you have been honest to us about this.

Time to break it off.

When you do find somebody with the right level of income, make sure they understand that you will leave them if at any point they become ill and either mentally or physically unable to bring home the money you are after. It’s only fair to let people know what sort of ‘relationship’ they are entering into.

CaliGurl · 18/04/2024 20:03

DodoTired · 18/04/2024 19:11

You are going to get a pile on because your disagreement is seemingly about money and it is frowned upon. However it is actually about values and being on the same page re key issues like career and finances.

I would not be attracted to a coaster/stay at home dad if I had to be the one doing killer hours in the office and have other stresses of high flying career. (Im a high earner as well and poor from immigrant family so I understand where you are coming from)

HOWEVER, having two people who both have high flying careers AND are compatible in other ways is actually pretty rare (just because there are less high earners and high flyers so the pool is smaller). Having a nice family with two high earners who can afford to buy a flat in central London NOW (from zero, not family money) is almost impossible. You both have to be earning well above £150K EACH

so you are not unreasonable that you don’t like his defeatist/coasting attitudes. This is certainly unattractive

but you are a bit unreasonable to expect a partner who can earn that much so that you can afford central London flat Equally you are unreasonable if you expect to break up with this one and find a new partner who will be just as nice but simply a super high earner

i think you need to make peace that you will most likely outearn your partner but you need to draw the line for yourself by
how much

I don't think it's 'rare' in certain circles , I know many couples like this (I've worked in both tech and finance). They usually met at uni or work!DH and I had we stayed in London could've earned this amount as contractors.
Quite a few double PhDs too 😁

@blueshoes A salaried role isn't the only way to make a lot of money even compliance contract staff can make over 100K. Of course, the take home , stability of work etc is different from a salaried job but the headline figure is very possible

Sunglow1921 · 18/04/2024 20:00

I can see where you’re coming from in some sense. It’s hard for people to understand how much value you place on financial security unless they’ve known poverty. His comments about you supporting him and his lack of ambition must be very worrying to you. My ex was similar, very bright with a lot of potential but not bothered about money at all. He used to say that he wouldn’t end up homeless because his parents owned two houses and that was good enough for him. Well it wasn’t for me and that’s part of the reason why he’s an ex.

It seems that you don’t share the same values and life goals, so maybe it’s best to just end it.

NonPlayerCharacter · 18/04/2024 19:59

Sweden99 · 18/04/2024 19:56

@oakleaffy, She did not say she was him for his money.I have been rich and poor and when I was poor I was also 5'7", a bit dim in the way of the world and lazy round the house. Once i was well off, I was 5'11", very clever, wise, great around the house and a great cook.
She is with a man who is far poorer than expected, who is clearly in a vulnerable place emotionally. She has lost attraction because of that and it is perfectly understandable. She stuck with him while he was a PhD student, so she is clearly not a pure gold digger.

Your wealth bought you four inches of height?

blueshoes · 18/04/2024 19:59

Ok, so data science roles in the City require PhDs. Quants as well. Forgive my lack of imagination. I was thinking along the lines of front office roles in PE, Investment Banking, Consultancy and BigLaw.

£100K by 30 is not all that much in terms of City pay. I assumed the OP was aiming higher than that.

Packingcubesqueen · 18/04/2024 19:58

It’s fine to not want to do all the cooking and cleaning when you both work. But being upset that he doesn’t earn as much as you thought he might is ridiculous.