To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

Sometimes people post and get embarrassed (me) but still read and re-read and are grateful for all the opinions.

I can empathise with both of you . I started young being very ambitious and then hit a massive bump so I paused my dreams for a few years to be a mum to my oldest and when I returned , being very academic I found it easy and quickly went up the ladder . But between early 20s and late 20s something changed in my priorities and I realise that position I wanted would no longer be suitable for the lifestyle now wanted so I refused a position last year that would triple my salary . So I can completely emphasise with you because I grew up poor and a second generation immigrant and I can emphasise with him because my priorities changed along the way .
From my perspective there is a much bigger issue here and one seems to be he is no longer that important to you as he seemed to be maybe ? If you truly consider leaving him so you can find someone who earns more then you fell out of love for him . Other way you would find a different way to support him and get over this issue . My reply e would be different if you where saying he doesn’t want to work or makes no effort but he has a full time job just with a lesser pay than yours .
If you want someone that earns more than you owe it to you to find someone rich as this seems to be your priority in life and to him to give him the chance to find true love .

Also, to the posters saying this is about ambition, not money, I think you're being far too sympathetic in your interpretation. I fully agree that a lack of ambition is unattractive (in both men and women) but it doesn't sound like OP's partner lacks that. Rather, it sounds like he is in a particularly difficult field to get into and there was no guarantee that he would have gotten the niche job, despite OP's hopes and dreams. He's clearly smart, well-educated and despite having the potential to earn more, is not choosing to stay unemployed in the false belief that he deserves a certain kind of job only. Besides, if OP's partner was given a large inheritance from a family member or had a trust fund, and was gifted enough money to purchase her dream Central London home, I doubt she'd be feeling like this. Ambition and earning potential is a red herring in this instance...it's about the money and the lifestyle that OP expects/dreams of.

To answer your question OP - you really should dump him. Anything in life can happen and if your attraction to your partner is contingent on their bank balance, you really should set up yourself up for success by choosing someone who is independently wealthy/ comes from family money. At least that way, things like redundancies, career burnout, recessions, ill health, disability, retraining for a lesser-paid career and all the other likely things that can negatively impact an ambitious person's earnings will not impact you.

Your goals are important to you.
You have outgrown him so it's time to part ways before you totally lose respect for him.
Why the hell are you keeping house for him though? Don't debase yourself like this. Let him do his own bloody laundry and cleaning.
Sounds to me that you need to part ways he isn't contributing anything to your life or your future.

@PumpkinPieAlibi, It looks like she is being ganged up on. It is little wonder she has not replied again.

I don't think very successful men want a wife who's only attractive, the power couple is very much a thing, but they don't marry unattractive women either.

I have no idea* how you've extrapolated that he has 'low status, is emotionally needy and poorer than expected*' from OP's post.

I mean yes, he's poorer than she expected but he could be making a perfectly reasonable salary. As to the rest, it sounds like a lot of projecting from your own experience of how you see yourself and other men.

Not to be harsh, but unless you're very very pretty (you're obviously smart no doubt) you won't end up getting one of the really high paid guys who can afford a flat in Central London. Because they're not looking for a highly paid spouse they want a beautiful spouse.

Twaddle.

I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

WHY?

It’s fine to want a better paid partner if that’s important to you, it’s not fine to be his housekeeper. Don’t do it with the next one.

Have been together 26 yrs and I don’t do his laundry and he earns significantly more than me if that’s relevant …

im not his mother

and I stopped doing our childrens when they got to about 13/14 (still help with a family bundle) but I’m not faffing a round after them

You don’t truly love him. Leave him now so that he can meet someone who loves him completely for who he is: for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health.

Not to be harsh, but unless you're very very pretty (you're obviously smart no doubt) you won't end up getting one of the really high paid guys who can afford a flat in Central London. Because they're not looking for a highly paid spouse they want a beautiful spouse.

Only exception being is if your family is rich and well connected but you've already said they aren't.

By all means split up with him but not because you think you'll do better financially. Find someone whose your equal in sharing the load (tbh also pretty rare).

I would agree with you and I assume the OP is earning or at least aiming for more.

What is puzzling me is your combative attitude.

YABU that you’ve relied on anyone other than yourself to try and climb to the top of what are your high end visions in life. Your mistake was assuming that he’d be earning x amount more than he actually is at this point and that you would be able to benefit from it. Furthermore, that you are therefore unhappy and resentful of him for it when this grand plan of yours that was never a guarantee didn’t materialise. You can be attractive, successful and many other attributes in life but and with no disrespect if you were as intelligent as you perceive yourself to be you would have strategised better and had a core plan based off of your own employment and earnings instead of trying to ring fence anybody else’s. You’ve been incredibly naive. I’m not saying that two people can’t work successfully together or be a “power couple” but let’s be honest, you’re just not the same type of people. Also, you’re foolish to be acting like his mother doing all of his washing and wiping his ass for him. Time to change the state of play OP. Good luck.

A relative took a similar tack to the OP after marrying her boyfriend from university. She sacked him when he failed to be sufficiently ambitious. More than thirty years later, having made her millions and owning multi-million pound homes in the parts of the country that she works in, she began dating the ex-husband again.
OP should release the poor soul who has no reasonable expectation of making her happy while she auditions better prospects.

You don't view him as a boyfriend, but rather someone to help you get on the property ladder in central London. Horrible. Buy your own flat.
Poor bloke.

True, but people usually compare themselves to those that they personally know. Not the average woman on the street. One spends most of their time at university and then at work. So if both involved high earning degrees/careers, it's not inconceivable that this is 'normal' for OP and very achievable, rather than being something rare. Everyone she knows is doing it so why can't she?

I’m on a good income, my partner isn’t so much and we own a flat in a nice bit of London. It’s possible ☺️

There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want - but you turn this around - if a man told you he was looking for a woman who earnt as much as he did…would you not think he was a bit shallow? I suspect you have not had enough bad relationships to value other qualities in partners more than their earning potential.

Nothing wrong with you wanting someone with the same ambition, drive and salary as yourself but you can't turn him into someone he isn't. You're simply incompatible.

I am aware of that. I was not arguing that I was literally 4" taller, I did not think that needed spelling out. Sorry for my lack of clarity.

I work in tech ;-) so I know the landscape
Still it is a small-ER pool of people as these are indeed “certain circles”

i have a similar experience right down to immigrant background and ambitious. My dh always said he can stay and be a kept man. He started saying he had no ambition, drive and never had. At several pts in our relationship he did not work at all. But he is a wonderful man. His last stint of unemployment was hardest for me and in some ways for him too. I asked him to step up so he did probably 65% of housework (I cooked he did dishes, kids, laundry, shopping everything else). it balanced things but was still difficult for me. We are now penniless however I love him. He is a truly kind wonderful man. I have adjusted my ambition and expectations because I also have friends with very driven ambitious men who are lousy partners. There are a few women that have amazing partners that tick all the boxes. Some of us have fallible humans. Mine ticks the boxes that are incredibly important to me so it works. And am still attracted to him and can't imagine being with any other. I also cant see anyone coping with me and my failings and am often amazed he hasnt done a runner 😂
Figure out what is most important to you and decide from their. 20s you are both very young and can either shape your lifes any way you want (almost)

20% is a lot lower than your expectation. I think it's an issue. For whatever reason the reality isn't up to your expectation.

Posters didn't say 'required' PhDs @blueshoes

They said that some people working in computer or data science aged 30 (with or without a PhD ) can earn 6 figures.

TBH that's high and most thirty year olds will be on around £80K.

Having a PhD doesn't always equate to a higher income in these roles. And the people I know earning shed loads in investment banking don't have PhDs.
They tend to have very good people skills and have managerial roles, rather than geeky backroom roles.

OP hasn't disclosed her salary. Why assume she doesn't earn more or could do?
Making assumptions?