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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

332 replies

breezea · 18/04/2024 14:18

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

OP posts:
LetsPlayShadowlands · 18/04/2024 22:57

If you want an expensive place in an expensive city but you're relying on someone else earning a high enough income.. you can't afford it.

Springtoit · 18/04/2024 22:57

Dartmoorcheffy · 18/04/2024 14:40

I don't find materialistic people at all attractive. Other than his earning potential, what other things attracted you to him?

Being wealthy really isn't the most important thing in life. Being healthy, happy and having a home (not necessarily a show house) are far more valuable to me.

This with bells on.

I find your post quite repulsive and cringeworthy OP.

Goddessonahighway · 18/04/2024 22:55

If your attraction is fading now in your 20s, don't bother taking it further. I think you're being honest with yourself about what your values in life are - make your decisions according to your values. I will throw a spanner in the works though that humans are unpredictable. I out earned my partner for years and years, and I'd given up trying to motivate him to look for other jobs. Out of the blue he changed his career and he earns double my wage now. I didn't see that coming.

ladykale · 18/04/2024 22:54

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 18/04/2024 16:05

To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get.

Actually no you don’t “need” two excellent salaries, I own a 5 bed house mortgage free in what is considered a desirable part of central London & I did it all on my own (it took me to the age of 35 though & maybe you want to get there faster).

I’m also a child of an immigrant family who grew up in poverty and one thing my parents drummed into me was that I couldn’t rely on anyone else to fulfil my dreams & if I wanted something, I had to make it happen on my own.

One thing that’s really bothered me about your post is the notion that you somehow deserve something just because you work hard, the vast majority of people work hard and get nowhere near the money it takes to afford a flat in a desirable part of London; a lot of them will also be doing jobs a lot more worthy and important to society than the job I did to ultimately make my money. I’ve also worked extremely hard and done well for myself but the hardest job I have ever done, was working in care for minimum wage to put myself through uni; I actually still live with the physical injuries and pain that job caused me (herniated discs).

You really need to check your privilege & acknowledge how much luck plays a part in these things; it’s not just about “working hard” and to pretend it is, is very insulting.

I have a life limiting illness and probably won’t get past my mid to late forties (if I’m lucky) so money isn’t everything & I say that as someone who has a similar background to you.

Edited

I bet you are like 50... she's younger and house prices mean you do need two high salaries!

ladykale · 18/04/2024 22:51

disTrusstInLiz · 18/04/2024 15:09

To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get.

This isn’t always true. Plenty of people have managed to buy a good central London property themselves. So if that is your goal maybe YOU need to work harder.

As for your bf get rid. He’s happy to just sit back and let you do all the housework, that’s not on at all.

If she wants a flat costing £1.5 - 2m then yes you normally need two salaries...

aloeleaf · 18/04/2024 22:50

Leave him. You don't value him. He deserves someone who does.

ladykale · 18/04/2024 22:50

BruFord · 18/04/2024 15:06

I’m with you on this. I am a winner, I dated winners and I married a winner. I love him very much and we’re well suited. However, on a fundamental level, we are clever, well educated, attractive people who earn a lot of money.

So only well educated, attractive people who earn a lot of money are “winners.”?

A teacher, social worker, nurse, paramedic, etc. who contributes massively to society, but doesn’t earn a lot, isn’t a winner?

Edited

Why do people take benchmarks others set for tv themselves personally... her post is clear on what she defines as a winner. No she probably wouldn't date a nurse based on her definition...

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 18/04/2024 22:47

Go get someone better.

Lassiata · 18/04/2024 22:42

BonzoGates · 18/04/2024 14:26

To be honest I think you should free the poor lad from your clutches.

Yeah, must be so awful for him having a high-earning wife who also cooks, cleans and waits on him.

Anothercr · 18/04/2024 22:40

I suspected the reactions to my comment would be entertaining. I haven’t been disappointed. 🤣

The random accusation of ableism was just peak MN.

OP, I don’t blame you for not coming back, but do please dump him.

Akamai · 18/04/2024 22:35

He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

So he’s a lazy, gold digging fucking cocklodger!

OP, if you’re still reading, dump the cunt and set yourself free.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 18/04/2024 22:35

@jefofmon
Your observation is very interesting re the differences between men and women supporting non-earning spouses.
I was once in the company of two couples where the men were the trailling spouses. I was so taken aback by the comments and digs about how they expected their husbands to be, when they could play sport, who was paying, etc. It was embarrassing and it made me think I'd never heard a man make similar comments about his wife, not in public anyway.

JudgeJ · 18/04/2024 22:34

This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities.

How do you know this is the reason he hasn't got the high paying roles you think he should have to match your ambitions?
He'll probably be better off if you split now.

Mirabai · 18/04/2024 22:29

DodoTired · 18/04/2024 22:22

Well first of all I would say that probably it is not “everyone”
not everyone in tech or banking I know and worked with are power couples - there are people married to artists, photographers, teachers, councillors, people working in charity sector, stay at home parents etc.

There is a large percentage where both people are in high earning careers, yes, but not everyone.

Second, if she will want to date people only from a handful of professions AND on a certain earning level she will significantly narrow her dating options, its true. She is no longer at uni, it leaves her with work/general dating scene

as someone who dated a lot in London before meeting my husband (who earns on the same level AND is very nice person) I can confidently say that to find a nice person with whom one actually clicks and falls in love is not easy when
there is a much narrower dating pool

Show quote history

I don’t think she’s got much to lose in her 20s. Either she meets someone who’s earning or at least achieving at the same level to her, or she doesn’t but she meets someone who’s so right that his lower income doesn’t bother her.

DodoTired · 18/04/2024 22:22

CaliGurl · 18/04/2024 21:12

True, but people usually compare themselves to those that they personally know. Not the average woman on the street. One spends most of their time at university and then at work. So if both involved high earning degrees/careers, it's not inconceivable that this is 'normal' for OP and very achievable, rather than being something rare. Everyone she knows is doing it so why can't she?

Edited
Show quote history

Well first of all I would say that probably it is not “everyone”
not everyone in tech or banking I know and worked with are power couples - there are people married to artists, photographers, teachers, councillors, people working in charity sector, stay at home parents etc.

There is a large percentage where both people are in high earning careers, yes, but not everyone.

Second, if she will want to date people only from a handful of professions AND on a certain earning level she will significantly narrow her dating options, its true. She is no longer at uni, it leaves her with work/general dating scene

as someone who dated a lot in London before meeting my husband (who earns on the same level AND is very nice person) I can confidently say that to find a nice person with whom one actually clicks and falls in love is not easy when
there is a much narrower dating pool

Mirabai · 18/04/2024 22:21

OP - income question aside - many people grow out of their uni relationships. It’s possible that if you found him more ravishingly fascinating, brilliantly clever, magnetically attractive, hilarious and a great cook - you may not feel the way you do. And his income wouldn’t matter.

This relationship feels like a bit of a compromise as it is. The time to get out of your uni relationship is in your 20s when you still have plenty of time to find a life partner without your biological clock ticking madly.

I think it’s his whole attitude to life not his earning potential that doesn’t work for you. His immaturity is part of that.

RampantIvy · 18/04/2024 22:21

Dartmoorcheffy · 18/04/2024 14:40

I don't find materialistic people at all attractive. Other than his earning potential, what other things attracted you to him?

Being wealthy really isn't the most important thing in life. Being healthy, happy and having a home (not necessarily a show house) are far more valuable to me.

Ditto
Ditto
Ditto

I agree that being ambitious is good but, while you should be sharing the chores equally, you sound like you want to be with someone for their net worth not because you love them I find this a particularly unpleasant character trait.

Jl2014 · 18/04/2024 22:20

You’re looking for an equal. He isn’t it.

Mirabai · 18/04/2024 22:17

If OP is so unhappy with her partners income and that is what truly matters to her then she should just split with him but she should be aware there is no guarantee that she will meet anyone else with more money.

No but she might meet someone she doesn’t have to cook and clean for.

jefofmon · 18/04/2024 22:10

@LondonFox My point is that men will often support their female partners to do what they want whether that is to stay home or retrain or whatever as long as its affordable, it appears somewhat true to me that women are far less likely to do that, perhaps if its a short term thing where the man will drastically improve his income i.e. getting a qualification or training.

I wanted to move back to Ireland as well I just didn't want to take a job or be an employee if I did.

I agree that very high earning men will probably have different priorities to what the woman they are with makes and will probably want younger.

LondonFox · 18/04/2024 22:04

jefofmon · 18/04/2024 21:53

A lot of men online complain that women can now do pretty much any job and earn more than a man and campaign about the pay gap, say they don't need a man for money, that they are independent but they still want their male partner to earn the same or more than them.

I think this is kind of true. I get the OP's point about needing someone with a similar income to her to get the life she wants but even if she leaves that guy its quite possible she will never meet a guy who makes the kind of money she does or that men who make that kind of money might not value her income as much as she thinks.

A friend of mine who is a hospital consultant (now, back then she was a registrar I think) broke up with her long term boyfriend in her early 30's because she felt like his earning potential was so much lower than hers and that she'd never have the standard of living with him she felt she deserved. So they split but sadly she never met anyone else and is still single at 48 while her ex is now married with kids to someone else and doing fine. She is pretty bitter about how her life turned out.

I had a high paying job in London until about 10 years ago, my husband who has a very high paying niche job was tired of London and wanted to move back to Dublin where he felt our standard of living would be much higher. I gave up my career not something I could do remotely or anywhere but London and I was ok with that as long as my DH was happy to support me, so I was a stay at home wife for a while, I had no interest in taking a "job" at that stage of my life so I just cooked, decorated, worked out, read for a few years before retraining and now I work as an artist, the money is fine but it my husband's income which funds most of our lifestyle, he has never once complained about how much I earn even when I didn't work at all.

If OP is so unhappy with her partners income and that is what truly matters to her then she should just split with him but she should be aware there is no guarantee that she will meet anyone else with more money.

Edited

Yeah but if she is unhappy with current situation it is better to break up then try to stay together out of fear of not meeting anyone new.

Your marriage example is irrelevant. Your man is now a provider and you followed his ideas, that is complete opposite to situation OP is in.

If she wants to get high earning man as a woman she got limited span of years to get him. 45 year old rich blokes don't usually hunt for 40+ women. Unless they own Amazon and are tired of girls throwing themselves on.

Arconialiving · 18/04/2024 22:00

idontlikealdi · 18/04/2024 14:21

Your entitled to feel how you feel. Break it off if it isn't what you want.

And stop cooking, cleaning and doing his laundry.

This!

theleafandnotthetree · 18/04/2024 21:54

I'm from a fairly poor background and got to where I am with limited support, big deal. It's not an excuse for being materialistic and grabby.. Lots of people come from those backgrounds, work really hard and have very little materially to show for it (much less a nice flat in Central London 🙄). And from my experience are inevitably the most decent and generous people. OP you just sound entitled and shallow, not like some kind of working class hero.

jefofmon · 18/04/2024 21:53

A lot of men online complain that women can now do pretty much any job and earn more than a man and campaign about the pay gap, say they don't need a man for money, that they are independent but they still want their male partner to earn the same or more than them.

I think this is kind of true. I get the OP's point about needing someone with a similar income to her to get the life she wants but even if she leaves that guy its quite possible she will never meet a guy who makes the kind of money she does or that men who make that kind of money might not value her income as much as she thinks.

A friend of mine who is a hospital consultant (now, back then she was a registrar I think) broke up with her long term boyfriend in her early 30's because she felt like his earning potential was so much lower than hers and that she'd never have the standard of living with him she felt she deserved. So they split but sadly she never met anyone else and is still single at 48 while her ex is now married with kids to someone else and doing fine. She is pretty bitter about how her life turned out.

I had a high paying job in London until about 10 years ago, my husband who has a very high paying niche job was tired of London and wanted to move back to Dublin where he felt our standard of living would be much higher. I gave up my career not something I could do remotely or anywhere but London and I was ok with that as long as my DH was happy to support me, so I was a stay at home wife for a while, I had no interest in taking a "job" at that stage of my life so I just cooked, decorated, worked out, read for a few years before retraining and now I work as an artist, the money is fine but it my husband's income which funds most of our lifestyle, he has never once complained about how much I earn even when I didn't work at all.

If OP is so unhappy with her partners income and that is what truly matters to her then she should just split with him but she should be aware there is no guarantee that she will meet anyone else with more money.

dontbelievewhatyousee · 18/04/2024 21:46

Dream big is what I say and if that means this doesn’t work then that’s the answer