To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

First off all I am also the child of immigrants who grew up in abject poverty so I get where OP is coming from; my own poor upbringing was also what drove me but maybe you missed that bit.

No, I didn’t miss it, I’m also the child of poor immigrants, but it doesn’t give me the right to demean other women who take pride in succeeding.

I told OP what I achieved - ON MY OWN

But OP has also achieved her success ON HER OWN. Why are your achievements more deserving of respect than OP’s? She now wants a partner who matches her in ambition, what’s wrong with that?

I took issue with OP making out that she somehow “deserves” / has an “entitlement” to certain things just because she works hard because the implication is that those who don’t reach the same heights can’t or won’t be working as hard as her and therefore are less deserving.

That’s bullshit and you know it. Literally all she said was ‘So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get.’ She said none of what you’ve inferred. If you took from that that the OP is entitled then that reveals your own misogyny. She has not implied that others who aren’t as successful as her don’t work as hard.

That doesn’t mean I’m in anyway bashing OP for her hard work or what she’s achieved, my comments were in relation to her attitude (which other posters picked up on so it wasn’t just me

Stop hiding behind other people. You were needlessly judgemental and rude about OP’s success and the fact that she dared say she worked for it.

I honestly don’t know why people get so damn touchy when someone mentions luck or privilege playing a part in success, it’s like they think acknowledging it somehow diminishes their or others hard work or skills / talent; both things can be true at the same time.

Are you for real?! You’re the one getting touchy with OP for merely saying she’s worrying she won’t achieve what she worked hard for. She’s the daughter of poor immigrants, you talk to her as if she is Kate Middleton! You’ve extrapolated a whole load of crap from OP’s one post.

Absolutely not true in my case. Her DH's lack of ambition and unwillingness to pull his weight in the house are unattractive traits that would put me off, but her very materialistic attitude is also unattractive.

I class myself as a "winner"
I'm not attractive or rich or a high flyer.

What I am is happy - in a job I love that gives me a lot of job satisfaction. It isn't well paid but I feel valued by my boss and workmates.

I have been married to my soul mate for over 40 years, and while we aren't wealthy we aren't poor either. We live in a nice house that we own outright.

I have friends that never pull stunts like the ones I read about on here. I get on with my neighbours and workmates.

Oh, and DH pulls his weight around the house 😁

How far into your careers are you both?

Can't be that far. You both 20
Something

Things change. People progress and develop at different times

I found my career in my early 30s

The OP is getting the sort of reaction from many posters that I would expect from a forum of bitter misogynists.

The relationship has run its course.and you have outgrown your partner.
You both started off on the same path but he’s strayed off it. You are seeing his weaknesses such as lacking certain skills and his tendency to overestimate himself.
Time to end this, sadly.

No I did not piss all over OP’s hard work & neither was I “bringing her down” for what she’s achieved either.

I made several different points:

• First off all I am also the child of immigrants who grew up in abject poverty so I get where OP is coming from; my own poor upbringing was also what drove me but maybe you missed that bit.
• I told OP what I achieved - ON MY OWN - to illustrate that it’s possible for her to get there on her own too albeit it may take longer hence me mentioning the age I was & fully acknowledging she may want to get there quicker.
• The point of mentioning that it was drummed into me to only rely on myself was because at the end of the day, the only person you can fully control is yourself. If you are waiting or relying on someone else to bring you happiness then there’s a good chance you may have a lifetime of misery ahead of you. I wasn’t saying it to make out like I’m better than OP, I was saying it because it’s hard cold reality & what I consider good advice.

THEN ON A COMPLETELY SEPARATE & UNRELATED NOTE TO THE POINTS MADE ABOVE:

• I took issue with OP making out that she somehow “deserves” / has an “entitlement” to certain things just because she works hard because the implication is that those who don’t reach the same heights can’t or won’t be working as hard as her and therefore are less deserving. That doesn’t mean I’m in anyway bashing OP for her hard work or what she’s achieved, my comments were in relation to her attitude (which other posters picked up on so it wasn’t just me) & nothing at all to do with her accomplishments hence why you’re conflating the different things I said. I’m all for celebrating women who excel & no I don’t think it’s big headed to be proud of one’s achievements (hence me mentioning my own success) but I do take offence to inferences that if you’re not “successful” it’s because you’re somehow lacking. This is because the hardest fucking workers I’ve ever met are my immigrant parents who worked their fingers to the bone yet for the majority of their lives didn’t have two beans to rub together.
• My point about luck is that life is not a meritocracy (although I wish it was). Of course hard work is important but luck plays a major part in success as well & to deny that is at best naive & at worst arrogant / disingenuous. For example, you do realise that luck can be as simple as just being born bright enough to achieve academically right? You can be the hardest fucking worker in the world but if you don’t have an aptitude for academia then you probably won’t get past an undergrad. Also, if OP’s relying on a partner to help her achieve her dream then luck will play a big part, won’t it? Luck will be whether she meets a guy who has the same goals as her or the actual talent to pull it off or who won’t develop a chronic illness / disability or who won’t run off with another woman etc. All that is luck & in no way a reflection on how hard OP works.
• I was in no way saying my success is down to my “philosophy” about only relying on myself & OP’s career is ONLY a matter of luck because of course it’s not. I’m only saying it’s important to acknowledge both. With regards to myself, I was actually making the complete opposite point to what you accuse me of hence why I said the hardest job I’ve ever had was a minimum wage job in care & not the job that ultimately made me my money. Yes I worked damn hard but so do millions of people everyday; I have no problem acknowledging that a factor to my success was that I also had luck on my side (born naturally academic, right idea at the right time etc). I honestly don’t know why people get so damn touchy when someone mentions luck or privilege playing a part in success, it’s like they think acknowledging it somehow diminishes their or others hard work or skills / talent; both things can be true at the same time.

Yes, this!
why are you doing this op?
only continue to do this if you want to act as his mother.

I could live with this if he actively enthusiastically pulled his weight in our life. Doesn’t cook clean or do laundry? He could earn half a million pounds and thats still a dealbreaker. Chuck the whole man in the bin.

You make a number of points OP

1. why do you do all his chores for him/laundry etc?don't. or do you want the traditional role - ie if you stop doing this would that mean you were accepting being the high earner/breadwinner role?
2. what would you feel if his dream job wasn't a high earning one ? at the moment he feels like he is settling both in terms of money and aspiration - but what if his aspiration was to do something naturally low paid- he could want to be a research scientist for example?
3. I am not particularly materialistic but find it incredibly frustrating when people fund their idealistic lifestyle on the back of their partners earning - it feels like getting the best of both worlds- eg people who are doing meaningful jobs such as charity workers, tree surgeons etc but its backed up by living in a house paid for by a banker or parents money - its equally frustrating when people get work life balance but at a cost of someone elses work life balance

I think if you are finding it frustrating in your twenties get out - it only gets worse

The PPs are being harsh towards the OP (IMO). She (guessing) has worked and planned and strategised her way through to success, which in her view is a nice flat in central London. Everyone knows that costs big chips and probably takes two salaries. She is driven by ambition and he is a bit less driven, or not as good as her.

I'm not admiring the goal, but I do understand why the OP might be having second thoughts.

He's lining you up to be a substitute parent, looking after all his needs. I would also find that a massive turn off.

For god's sake make him pull his weight around the house. It's 2024, not 1954.

This.

I had 16 years with a similar man that I met at school. By early 30s our relationship had become so unbalanced and sadly I lost all respect for him. He was full of dreams but no ability/drive seemingly to make them work. Which I wouldn’t have minded except he banged on about it all the time and had no resilience to find a plan B.

you’ve dated for potential. Move on.

I did read what you said, you pissed all over OP’s hard work.

I was a bright but lazy working class child and that has followed me as an adult too. I’m happy with my career progression to date because I recognise that my essential laziness means I make a very good living but I will never work hard enough to be a high flyer, and that’s fine. Not everyone can be a leader.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t recognise that other people do work hard in whatever career they choose and it’s not big headed for a woman to say she worked hard to get to where she is. We should be encouraging more women to be leaders, not bringing them down for having the temerity to say they worked hard to get where they are.

I’m 38 in June actually so I bought it 3 years ago. If you bothered to read my post, you would see I quite clearly said that due to my illness, I won’t make it past my mid to late 40s IF I’M LUCKY, so I’m not sure where you got 50 from.

Nope, you’ve taken the different points I was making & conflated them into one, why don’t you try reading what I actually wrote again.

Yanbu

You can't help the way you feel, and I understand why you must be feeling let down and disappointed.

It's him that's changed course, you haven't, so don't feel guilty.

People change throughout their lives, and often grow apart.

You want to keep growing and he wants to take his foot off the pedal and would be happy for you to be the provider.

Personally I would find that a complete turn off as well.

So you worked hard for your 5 bed house mortgage free house in what is considered a desirable part of central London and that shows your philosophy of ‘If I wanted something, I had to make it happen on my own.’

And yet OP’s high flying career is a matter of luck?

She is a child of poor immigrants who has beaten the odds and succeeded, that’s to be celebrated not sneered at.

I agree with this. I am not money driven, have never been particularly well paid, and accepted a job I didn't like. BUT - I kept the job because it allowed me to pursue passions outside of work. I am now a sahm and do all the cooking etc. I hope DH wouldn't say I work less hard than him and I'm definitely not lazy.

@ladykale I felt that the poster implied that anyone who didn’t meet her definition of a winner was the opposite, I.e., a loser.

DH and I would be “winners” by her criteria (looks-wise rather middle-aged winners now!), but I don’t consider my friends who aren’t to be losers. It’s a thoroughly unpleasant way to judge people.

Well you obviously didn't read the post you commented on as she said she has a life limiting illness and be lucky to get past mid 40s

Very true, even if he was earning big, he could leave, drop dead, get sick...

then what??

Stop doing his laundry and cooking?

Support him to find better work if that’s what he wants?

personally I find driven materialism quite unattractive

Let the poor guy go, he deserves to be happy, he doesn't have to have a high flying career if he doesn't want to.
You are simply incompatible and will both find happiness in your own world.
It works for some and not for others, I have a Phd and teach in a secondary school for around £35K a year, I like my job and want no more - my wife of 20 years is very career driven, earns north of £100k and keeps climbing - I support her of course, but its not for me, she respects that too.