To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

YABU

You are choosing to cook and clean for him when he has free time and so you can’t then moan about it.
Stop being a martyr.

It sounds as though he has tried to get a decent career but hasn’t been successful, which is a lot different to someone who is lazy or not career driven.

Of course he is going to feel deflated and aim lower, if that is all he is capable of.

I do think you’re BU to feel this way, however this is how you feel and you can’t help that and so this relationship can never last.

It is much better that you end things sooner rather than later and so you can both find partners who are more compatible.

As a PP said it's not always about the money - laziness, lack of drive and ambition is really unattractive. Especially if these common goals were what first brought you together. You are not unreasonable for finding this a turn off.

With or without him you can't afford the property in London so I'd think very carefully about ending a relationship in the hope you'll meet Mr right and Mr bank balance. They aren't always compatible. Moving out a couple of zones for love doesn't feel such a compromise - but if the respect is gone then so is the relationship.

I’m not sure you can blame him for any of this, but if he isn’t what you want then go and find it. Don’t make him feel bad for who he is.

This.👍🍾🍾

I predict you'll find you rich husband but end up divorced and in a far worse position than now. If these things are the be all and end all for you, you need to find a way to get them for yourself, not be dependant on a (any) mam for them.

This is sound advice. money incompatibility is one of the biggest causes of arguments in relationships. and for God's sake, why are you doing all the wifework? You're a housewife for a man who's not even a provider Have some self respect

I thought you were going to say he had decided to become an arms dealer, not that he doesn’t earn very much!

If that is very important to you then I think it would be better for both of you to find someone with more similar value systems.

What I take from your post OP is that you are putting wealth and position above everything else, including your relationship with your DH, if you are now considering he isn't right for you. Even though you have come from a poor background, money isn't everything and sadly you may eventually realise that.

@breezea you seem to be an extremely shallow person OP!!! did you ever really love him or was it just what you thought would be in his wage packet??

Well who’s the clever one in the relationship OP? The one doing the earning AND the cooking and cleaning?

What a surprise - a one-post wonder.

I wonder if she asked to swap “For better, for worse” with “For better - or else!” in her wedding vows?

Also, fucking well done you, OP, for the successes you have made of yourself.

There are so many threads on MN of women stuck with cocklodgers or simply those not pulling their weight. This guy can't find the household and nor will he clean it. I'm so glad you won't be one of those trapped women accepting less than they deserve.

I married someone like that once. Get back from a whole day of working, he's been at home, and he hadn't even picked the post from the doormat. It's that he has no drive, not that he doesn't earn X.

Where is the love? Seriously? You’re robbing him of finding someone who truly adores him. Let him go and in fact, why bother with marriage if all you care about are finances? Dreadful.

Because the OP thought he was going to be well paid, that is what attracted her to him. Now he isnt being as well paid as she thought he is less attractive.

I cant believe this thread.

Most people don’t have the earring potential you describe. Luck plays a part in getting a job, especially high end jobs like you describe. When I say luck I mean, a first impression is created within the first minute or so. If an interviewer is outgoing they might prefer more outgoing candidates so straight away quieter candidates will be at a disadvantage. The same can be said for the opposite.

You sound shallow imo to place such importance in significant earnings and your expectations are disproportionate to average salary. You say it’s his lack of ambition, but someone could be fiercely ambitious but in a role that isn’t well paid. What would that mean for them?

Money motivate you as you say but I think you may be shitting in your own nest in the future if you place such high value (ironic) on how much a potential partner earns. If you met someone that owned their own multi million pound business, they might think you don’t earn enough and are put off by you …..

I’m not saying he’s right for you, if he’s a loser then get rid, but it’s the emphasis you place on money I think will bite you in the arse in the future

Split now before it’s too late

Break up . The relationship is over . Nobody can say you are right or wrong in what you value but you can't make him fit your idea .
You need to go and find someone who matches your priorities better .

OP, I would feel how you do. He sounds like a layabout cocklodger that expects you to earn AND do everything else. It's not a materialism thing, I don't think. It's "his values don't align with yours".

You can marry for love AND money. They do exist.

I'd argue he infantilises himself - the cooking and the cleaning he can't do?! Pah, he's basically her kid.

OP, is it really his career that is giving you the ick or is it his lack of oomph to do something proactive to get into an area that he does enjoy (even if it's not as highly paid)? He has 40 working years ahead of him and that's a really long time to be doing something he doesn't want to do. Also, the fact that he is sitting back and letting you do all the drudgery work is pretty shit. Stop doing it.

You do not sound at all suited and I think the relationship is drawing to an end.

Partners don't have to have equal drive and earning power but they both have to be happy with what each does bring. For you both partners earning well is important but he doesn't care. So he isn't right for you is he?

I think the nail in the coffin though is that he's happy to enjoy your earnings and possibly not work at all but he's not prepared to offer anything in return and expects you to be his domestic skivvy as well as breadwinner. If I had any sympathy for him before I read that, it soon disappeared! Lazy, unambitious, selfish, sexist and scrounging - yuck!

I agree you're just not compatible.

PhDs are great but can be connected with a "how can I find myself" intellectual vibe

It sounds like you'd be better off with someone who got into the City milkround or started work soon after graduating and has that money mindset, or who has invested well or something.

If you're a high earner I presume you can easily access certain social circles through your work colleagues.

Your husband probably feels he wants a break from the (low paid but pressured) PhD, self-reflection, finding himself....if it's going to give you the ick though you can't let it go!

Late 20's, no children, just finished qualifications...breaking up is easier than being resentful.

I do think things like this are important.

Incidentally I'm more of the personality of the husband...and I am very sure lots of driven men wouldn't consider me LTR material for this reason!

It's fair play, I don't want someone nagging me over not applying for Microsoft ;-).

Before I retired, I worked very, very hard.

I didn't earn much, though.

Would the OP look down on me because of this? Probably.

But someone has to be a nurse/ midwife/care home manager.

You don't seem to respect this unfortunate, low earning man.

For that reason alone you need to break up with him.

👏