Rude or polite

If someone approaches you and says "excuse me" there's a whole spectrum of responses from "no" (rude) to "be kind".... not quite sure why everyone defending the OP is assuming that those saying she was rude are saying she should sit and converse with random man for the next 2 hours......

The thread really brought those angry guys out of the woodwork who have been a pest to women in public and then got knocked back.

people of all sexes rush to help others. With the exception of those that chose to record on their phones…women as well as men.
Empathy really isn’t so exclusive to women, far from it.

The op said a man approached her at a bus stop. That is a very different scenario from someone already at the bus stop casually asking her if she has seen a 275 bus has been along. As has been stated, context is everything.

I don't have a problem with men, I like a lot of them. But I have learned from long, bitter and downright dangerous experience that a few of them have a problem with me & other women.

Very confusing
A person says ‘excuse me’ to you OP and you respond with ‘no’!
What are you saying no to, nothing until you know why he’s said excuse me.
He could have been asking for help, he could have been telling you you’ve dropped something….you don’t know.

He was trying to chat her up.

How do you know that just from "excuse me" @RawBloomers?

Thre is a lot of projecting going on in this thread.

I'm pretty sure that it won't be a man rushing anyone's aide if they fell over or passed out in public.

'I can remember being in clubs when I was younger and telling men to fuck off for being annoying.'

So you're not that averse to rudeness then.

You didn't catch me out here. They deserved rudeness.

@Livingtothefull I'm impressed with your quoting.

I don't know what your problem is with men or your story but a man saying excuse me at a bus stop is making you angry.

You’re accusing everyone of being dense and rude when you sound like an actual arsehole!

YES he came back and said ‘you could have said you weren’t interested’ BUT before that he just said ‘excuse me?’ So you had no idea what he wanted! Could be asking for time, directions, help etc.

You sound lovely!

'It's women who are saying she was rude'.

So many men think 'no' from a woman is rude. It is very depressing to have so many women chiming in on here and insisting that the OP should have been 'nice'.

It's not normal to say no to a man if he says excuse me.

As has been pointed out here, many women have multiple negative experiences of men approaching them in the street. The OP said the man approached her; no I don't think it is normal for a man to go out of his way to approach a lone woman at a bus stop.

'I don't even care if that's what some people do but OP asked if it was rude and some posters thought it was.'

Heaven forfend that a woman be rude.

'We can argue till the cows come home but I think it's rude.I get you are a serious feminist and do not not trust men.'

Ah a 'serious feminist' - the worst kind of woman. Or at least as bad as rude ones.

I actually trust a lot of men - my husband, brother, numerous male friends. They have proved to be worthy of my trust. But no I don't trust random men making a point of talking to me in the street - too many negative experiences I'm afraid.

'I can remember being in clubs when I was younger and telling men to fuck off for being annoying.'

So you're not that averse to rudeness then.

It's such a drama. He said excuse me. To be honest if my DS17 accidently said something polite and someone said no he's quite confident and polite to just shrug it off. He wouldn't want to know someone with issues.

You were exceptionally rude. To that man, and on the additional posts when others asked you to clarify your badly composed (incomplete) original post. Your Mumsnet user name is absolutely ideal though.

Exactly, it didn't say that anywhere.
People are just making shit up now.

Politeness can get you killed. There's nothing wrong with saying 'no' and the sooner everybody accepts that the safer the world becomes for women

Rudeness is a lot more likely to get you killed

Doesn't happen often, but if a man tries to strike up a conversation, ask me when the bus is coming, say I look beautiful today, I'll be respectful back.

Im not interested in anything else, so anything more is 'thanks, but no thanks'. Polite, but assertive and clear. Non-confrontational or rude.

If you're afraid of male violence because of rejection, you've got a greater chance of being attacked by saying NO✋

And let's face it, someone who gets aggressive isn't going to respect op's NO✋anyway, so it's not a great safety mechanism. You're inviting more confrontation if anything

No she didn't say that, but she did know (as was proved by his subsequent remark) that he was going to chat her up. You asked how she knew, I'm just explaining how women can know these things. It's experience and observation.

This isn't about me personally, but if by serious feminist you mean committed to supporting and furthering the interests of women and girls, then yes, I am. As for trust in men, I have two adult sons, a male partner, male friends and I adored my late father. I don't mistrust every man. I do however have a healthy caution around unknown men. It would be very difficult to live in this world and see the atrocities committed by some of them not to, particularly given my work in RL with vulnerable women who without exception have suffered at the hands of men.

I don't think there's a need to fuss about a man saying excuse me, and I personally would have done the polite thing I think (my socialisation runs deep!) But nor is there the need to go at the OP for handling it in a different way. She has had experience of politeness backfiring and I don't blame her for wanting to avoid that again.

The thing is, none of this needed to have happened at all if the guy had just left a lone woman alone. The world is full of venues, sites, clubs where its expected that people will chat up other people. Minding your own business at the bus stop you shouldn't have to deal with it.

OP didn't say he did any of these things. She said he said excuse me. I've seen you on many threads and I get you are a serious feminist and do not not trust men.

I'm intelligent and have some experience in men not behaving great. However, I honestly don't get what the fuss is about with a man saying excuse me.

I can remember being in clubs when I was younger and telling men to fuck off for being annoying. A man saying excuse me at a bus stop wouldn't make me say no. I would wait for what he had to say. The same as if a woman said excuse me.

Because if you are a woman who has experienced it multiple times, you know its coming. Men don't just turn the corner, march up and speak as soon as they spot you in the way they would if they're looking for someone (anyone) to ask the time/directions/help in an emergency. They clock you, look you up and down, stare a little, try to catch your eye, and then if you haven't met their eye go in with the 'excuse me' thing. There's also a tone to it that is different from casual queries about when the next bus is, or urgent ones like 'can you phone an ambulance'. Basically if you've seen it, you know it when you see it again, and I'm really shocked so many apparant women need it explaining to them, or imagine there's any doubt about it when it's happening.

What a delightful person you are. So u just cut someone off and say no even if someone is ill

Better hope you don't fall over , have a medical incident etc and get treated the way you treat others

How did she know he was trying to chat her up?

No, she’s just expecting a higher level of reading comprehension than, sadly, can reasonably be expected of most MNers.

He was trying to chat her up. She realised this before he actually managed to get a question out and shut him down. He responded by coming back and telling her off. Because he’s an entitled arse who thinks women minding their own business at a bus stop should be foils to boost his ego.

As PPs have pointed out, the context can be inferred from the way he came back and told her how she should have turned his advances down.

OP’s friends thought she was rude to shut him down brusquely rather than spending her time hearing him out and turning him down “nicely”. OP thinks “No” is just as good as “I’m not interested.” in the context and has had that suggested response end in abuse anyway. She asks if she is being unreasonable.

My vote is you were rude initially, and not sure why he came back to check given your rudeness.

But she couldn't have known that before saying no. Very rude

It's women who are saying she was rude. Even though other posters assume if you don't agree you are a man pretending to be a woman.

It's not normal to say no to a man if he says excuse me.

I don't even care if that's what some people do but OP asked if it was rude and some posters thought it was.

We can argue till the cows come home but I think it's rude.