Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Difficult DD

114 replies

RareTulipsDisplay · 18/04/2024 10:57

I moved here just over a year ago, having lost my DH, after caring for him for four years, to be close to my DD her DP and my little GD. I have done a lot for them, including free childcare once or twice a week, financial help etc. My DD has twice said very hurtful things to me and upset me dreadfully.

Last week, when dropping of my DGD I asked her about her little dog which may have cancer. I have looked after this dog frequently when they go away and am very fond of her. She said, " It's not your concern. It's our dog, not yours". Then my little GD asked for a snack, and already rattled I made a joke and said, "Oh a smack", and patted her on the bottom. My DD went ballistic at me using that word, though she has never mentioned this before, despite lots of other things she has explained that they don't say, and which I have respected. I walked away rather than respond as I was upset and she turned to my DGD and said spitefully, " Your grandma used to smack me when I was a little girl." While that is true, it sounded so cruel, taken out of the context that I asked her to leave. I looked after my DGD all day, despite feeling very hurt.

Her DP picked up the child and of course, she had not told him the whole story. I said that I needed a heartfelt apology from her. Several days later she arrived, supposedly to apologise but proceeded to gaslight me and change what was said by both of us. She left after dropping the biggest bomb and saying that my DH had once smacked her so hard that she flew across the room. My DH never laid a hand on anyone, ever, in the 50+ years that we were together.

I spoke to my DS who supposedly was there when this happened and he agreed that it never did and that his DD never smacked him. She has cancelled a spa date that I booked for us, for her birthday and my next day with my GGD, as if I have done something wrong and she is punishing me.

I haven't confronted her on what she said as I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose contact with my DGD. She had conflicts with her DD over the wedding with her ex, which were to do with her attitude and money, but that's no excuse for saying things about him when he's not here to answer back. My only thoughts on her lying is her hormones (struggling to conceive and on progesterone) or issues implanted during all the therapy she had after the break-up with her ex.

What do I do? I am so angry and hurt about this. At the moment I am just not contacting either of them and am waiting for them to need my help again and to contact me. Sorry for the long post and possible mistakes as it's my first one. I am hoping for some support and sensible advice. Thankyou.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 18/04/2024 15:51

Snugglemonkey · 18/04/2024 14:06

There was abuse. The op assaulted her daughter. She would do well to apologise.

Show quote history

Bollocks.

If oP was such an "abuser", the DD wouldn't leave her child with her.

She sounds like an absolute madam and I wouldn't be doing any more favours for her until she apologised (including looking after your grandchild)

Heartoverhead1 · 18/04/2024 15:46

RareTulipsDisplay · 18/04/2024 14:56

Exactly. She came in, in a stroppy mood and took it out on me. I am still grieving and sensitive to criticism but she was really rude and unkind, and not for the first time. My granddaughter is three and a half and we have a strong bond. I don't yell at her either which I have seen her mum do.

Show quote history

Id get off that high horse if i were you, judging your dd for shouting at her daughter - but at least she doesn't hit her like you did yours.

Nn9011 · 18/04/2024 15:41

There's a few things that jump out here - you say you smacked her but your husband never - why were you smacking and if smacking was acceptable, why would only you have been the perpetrator?
Secondly, clearly some commenters have never experienced parental trauma because there are many people who have experienced being smacked or emotionally hurt by their parents who do allow contact with grandchildren because often the treatment is not the same and there will be guilt for not allowing it.
If I was you, I'd put down the defensive walls and actually listen to your daughter. The fact you're claiming your son categorically remembers it didn't happen also suggests a golden child situation.

Original poster
RareTulipsDisplay · 18/04/2024 15:41

HcbSS · 18/04/2024 13:07

You sound like a caring granny and she a hormonal, stroppy madam picking fights. Yet she is happy to accept cash handouts ehh?
At least you don’t have to live with her.
Condolences on the loss of your husband.

Edited

Thankyou so much for understanding. I can't do right at all. I had just booked a holiday for all of us abroad later in the year and I am paying for it. She was very happy to help choose where we are going and for me to pick up the bill.

OP posts:
Precipice · 18/04/2024 15:40

DGD and said spitefully, " Your grandma used to smack me when I was a little girl." While that is true, it sounded so cruel, taken out of the context that I asked her to leave

You're seeing spite here because you're defensive. It made sense in context for her to say it (Grandma jokes about hitting small children because she used to hit small children in truth). Your daughter probably does not hit her children 'as a joke' in the way that you do, so neither she nor her daughter consider it normal; therefore she gave an explanation and context to her daughter for her grandma's actions. Why do you think it cruelty for your daughter to speak about what you had done to her?

WinterDeWinter · 18/04/2024 15:37

Op sorry to derail but it's actually DF for father. DD means darling daughter.

As others have said, remember that two children can have very different experiences of the same parents.

On the other hand, not usually to the degree that one remembers being hit very hard indeed and the other (presumably he was definitely present when the event is supposed to have happened?) was in the room and says it didn't.

I do think you need to talk to her - gently - about it. Ask her genuine questions as calmly and quietly as you can, without reacting to the answers. Are you supposed to have known about it at the time? Does she agree your DS was in the room? Is there anything else she can remember about it. Then I think you should hank her for talking to you about it and say that you're going to take this away to think about it.

And then think about it, and whether there could be any truth in her version. If not, at least you know what she believes and you don't necessarily need to raise it with her again, you can just move forward neutrally and observe.

9mon · 18/04/2024 15:37

I’m kind of wondering if this is a reverse to be honest.

stackhead · 18/04/2024 15:36

RareTulipsDisplay · 18/04/2024 15:33

I knew my husband didn't do this and just needed him to tell me his recollection. She may believe it, but it didn't happen.

Show quote history

But what if, it did happen? Just consider the what if?

What's more important here? Defending an action you CAN'T know for certain. Or maintaining your relationship with your daughter?

You don't have to say you believe her, but don't tell her she's wrong.

FiveLamps · 18/04/2024 15:35

RareTulipsDisplay · 18/04/2024 15:33

I knew my husband didn't do this and just needed him to tell me his recollection. She may believe it, but it didn't happen.

Show quote history

Why is your version of events the only correct one?

This is how people get away with abuse.

Original poster
RareTulipsDisplay · 18/04/2024 15:33

RedCoffeeCup · 18/04/2024 14:46

If I told my mum that my dad had hit me, I'd be very upset if she didn't believe me and believed my brother's version of events instead. Why is he more likely to remember accurately than her?

I knew my husband didn't do this and just needed him to tell me his recollection. She may believe it, but it didn't happen.

OP posts:
MintTwirl · 18/04/2024 15:32

You can’t categorically say that he never hit her unless you were always with them. Why would she randomly make something like that up? We know that smacking was in your home(as in many others at the time) because you have already said that you did hit her so it’s not beyond the realm that he did it too. She must be really hurt that you outright refuse to believe her instead of considering that it may be the truth and acknowledging it may have happened without your knowledge.

Original poster
RareTulipsDisplay · 18/04/2024 15:31

muggart · 18/04/2024 14:28

I'm sure your DD knows better whether your DH hit her than her brother does. If you tell her that you think her brother is a more reliable narrator of her own childhood than she is I could see this really escalating.

You need to decide whether you want an open and conciliatory conversation where you listen to her and accept her perspective even if it is hard to hear OR whether you want to sweep it under the carpet and reconcile that way. However, pushing for an apology when it's clearly a little more complicated than you think it is will only alienate her.

I haven't told her that I spoke to her brother at all. I was so shocked by what she said that I had to check for myself. I know she believes it but it simply did not happen. What us she going to suggest either of us did next?

OP posts:
stackhead · 18/04/2024 15:27

My parents hit me (I won't say smacked, they hit). If I looked at things logically and when I really look back at my childhood I would go NC with them. Having my own child has made me re-examine lots of things about the way I was brought up and made me really angry for a while. I still have to deal with issues of anger when my mum talks about my child, I do this because, well quite frankly it's easier and both parents have mellowed as they've aged.

That said, I recognise that my parents were products of both their upbringings and the times they lived in and quite frankly shouldn't have been parents. Luckily for me, they live abroad so the dilemma of regular care isn't one I've had to grapple with.

I've made it very clear to both my parents that if either of them laid a finger on my child in anger or as discipline that they would never see either of us again.

The "joke" smack would've properly pissed me off, and I would have had strong words with you too.

Also, what earthly reason does your DD have to make up a story about your DH hitting her? I get that you're grieving and her story is challenging your memories (perhaps tainting them) but surely you have to give some credence to what she's saying instead of denying it entirely.

Original poster
RareTulipsDisplay · 18/04/2024 15:27

Yummymummy2020 · 18/04/2024 12:24

Hmm it’s a tricky one. My mum was pretty awful growing up, and so we just don’t ever leave the kids with her for fear that she will treat them in the same way. So unless your daughter has no choice at all, I wonder why she does trust you for childcare. This is just from someone who genuinely took issue with their childhood coming from parents with drinking issues, I’m not saying you were as bad as mine. But really my point is, others could be right that maybe she was taking some anger out on you. But equally if she was desperate for childcare and you were her only choice, the smacking may very well have left a lot of upset with her. To be fair, I know times have changed but it’s still a horrible thing to do regardless of it being socially acceptable at the time and if it was me I would acknowledge that and I would be thinking of the impact it would have on my relationship with my grandchild if I didn’t try to make amends for past wrongs🤷🏼‍♀️ she might be difficult but it sounds like she is having a tough time. Sometimes when people are having a hard time, things that might not upset them normally upset them more🤷🏼‍♀️ you probably will never know what happened with the smacking that her sibling denies, but you do know that you smacked her so that’s bad enough really, she dosent need more reason to be upset about that. I guess really you can only take it at face value, but whether you like it or not, it’s all up to her really the degree of a relationship you have with your grandchild. It might not seem fair but I would try my best to make amends where I could, I wouldn’t demand an apology and I would try and keep some extra space if you feel time together to the extent it is will only cause rows. My mum gets to see my kids a lot and just not unsupervised but we make it work so that they still have a good relationship with her. When they are older they can make their own decisions about relationships but it dosent sound like your daughter worries too much about the past repeating itself if she does let you provide childcare(and isn’t desperate).

She isn't desperate. Her partner's mum and I usually takes turns one day a week, she goes to a childminder twice a week and she had a Mummy day and a Daddy day. If the other grandma or the childminder is away, I take up the slack. I also pick her up from the childminder and give her a meal to give them extra work time, or a chance for some exercise.

OP posts:
Precipice · 18/04/2024 15:26

Do you want to also have a bad relationship with your granddaughter? That's what you're likely to get. She asked you for a snack and you pretended to mishear and hit her, for your own amusement. Is this sort of behaviour likely to make your granddaughter enjoy spending time with you or is it more likely to make her tense around you and also perhaps tense about unexpected physical contact more broadly? She shouldn't have to be on edge about getting lightly hit by relatives for their fun.

WhiteLeopard · 18/04/2024 15:22

OP, I'm a bit sad to see you describe your DS as "kind and thoughtful" and your DD as "difficult". Can you try to put aside these labels and work towards a better relationship with your DD, for the sake of both of you?

FiveLamps · 18/04/2024 15:22

You made a joke to a little girl about smacking.

You dismissed your daughter's memory as being untrue. My Mum has done this dismissing thing to me too (not about being smacked, but about something else) and it's hurtful and annoying.

I would be pretty pissed off as well to be honest.

hydriotaphia · 18/04/2024 15:21

Hmm. Sorry, but her experience of her childhood might not be the same as your memory of it.

  • the dog - she was rude but probably upset about the dog and also you mentioning it in from of your GD (and tbh it was insensitive to ask about the dog's health in front of the little girl who I assume is young when it might be dying!!)

-the 'joke' about smacking - this was weird imho - not funny and confusing for a child. I personally would not like any adult 'jokingly' hitting my kids. It is confusing for a child about boundaries and it will have been reassuring for the little girl for her mum to have defended her, so I think she did the right thing.

-re her reaction about smacking - seems like she was not as relaxed as you are about being hit as a child, and is still hurt by it. That's why we don't hit children nowadays...

-re her saying your DH hit her. I suspect it's likelier that it's true or at the very least that she believes it to be true.

-To preserve the relationship with your DD and GD I think you need to be a lot more forgiving and understanding. Ultimately she is clearly very emotional about aspects of her childhood. This isn't 'wrong' and you're not going to convince her that she is wrong - so you may as well accept it's how she feels and either ignore it and move on, or actually apologise. Holding a grudge will just put a wedge in the family - fine if that's what you want but probably you'd be happier without this.

Original poster
RareTulipsDisplay · 18/04/2024 15:20

purpleme12 · 18/04/2024 15:13

Honestly I think I agree with this

Show quote history

As I explained, I am grieving and can easily get upset or flustered if I am being snapped at or criticised. I have been helping them out a lot more recently as the childminder has been away for a holiday. I do a lot for them and don't feel it's fair to be the brunt of hurtful comments.

OP posts:
CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 18/04/2024 15:20

I’ll venture it’s the progesterone and IVF tx that’s at the root of all this.
Maybe discuss the situation and hurt with her partner and step back for a while.
MN just isn’t the place to discuss smacking.

9mon · 18/04/2024 15:17

There is no way you can know that. I’m not suggesting you’re lying but you cannot know.

Original poster
RareTulipsDisplay · 18/04/2024 15:17

MintTwirl · 18/04/2024 12:07

What was it you actually said about the dog? Was it simply ‘how is fluffy?’ or was something that came across as a criticism of how they are dealing with their dogs health? It sounds like the latter from her reaction.

When she mentioned you smacking her I would have just said yes and I’m sorry for that, thankfully we know better now or something similar. I suspect your DH did hit her and that is why the tak of smacking triggered her so much, it was unfair to get your DS involved, he may not remember or want to upset you by saying it happened.

Edited

I asked how the dog was and if the vet's medication was working well.

I can categorically say that my DH never hit her, me or anyone else in the 50+ years that I was with him. He raised his voice to them so infrequently that she would burst into tears if he did so. My DS takes after his DD and he is kind and thoughtful.

OP posts:
ClawdeenWolf · 18/04/2024 15:14

You do seem to be cherry picking the responses that agree with your viewpoint, rather than reflecting/responding to the ones that don't. Do you concede that memories vary, that some of your comments may come across differently now? I do think looking at your own actions here might be wise?

PerfectTravelTote · 18/04/2024 15:14

Take a step back for a little while.

purpleme12 · 18/04/2024 15:13

Prawncow · 18/04/2024 11:44

You need to look to your own behaviour. You escalated the first incident from what sounds like her being a bit short with you to you asking her to leave your house. Then you involved her partner. When she told you your husband had smacked her you accuse her of lying and involve her brother. What do you think is going to happen?

Honestly I think I agree with this