Ultimatum to get DSS to apply himself?

Parenting boys this age can be hard I think. Often they don't "like" school or a levels and can make baffling and immature decisions. I say this as someone with a y12 on track for b and c's at a level but who actively hates sixth form and Is miserable and probably in the process of dropping out.

I think it depends on the teenager... He might use the threat of holiday being removed as motivation... Or he may see it as you using it as another threat to undermine him. Yes life is hard and we should encourage resilience but also it can be very confusing being an almost adult but having no say or control on what you do or don't do.

I think actually letting him fail because of choices he is making and deal with the consequences himself is the better route.

We also have a big family holiday later in the year. Didn't cross my mind to not take him even if he drops out of sixth form. As he's nearly Ann adult if he doesn't finish sixth form the consequences on friendships and future opportunities will be punishment enough but we'll try and support him to do something else and maybe weigh a bit more maturity he'll come back to study in the future.

Geez some of you are harsh...

He's 16, he's trying to find his place in the world and he's still getting straight Bs without trying... He's not taking drugs, failing his courses and disappearing for days...

He'll still be able to get into a decent uni and get somewhere in life...

My A levels - I stopped caring. I didn't have the interest and I was just frankly tired of studying. I left with far, far lower results than I should have done (I could easily have had at least Bs if I'd tried) but they were enough to get me into the uni I wanted and once there, studying one specific subject which I really wanted to do, I found my mojo again and flourished. Now I'm looking at doing my Masters because I miss studying.

Don't take his holiday away, especially if it's a once in a life time thing, that's just going to make him feel even less interested in the world. And certainly don't tell him you expect him to leave home at 18! What a way to make him feel unwanted!

Instead start looking at unis with him. Look into the courses available. Try and find one he likes. Then the course requirements can be his guide as to if he needs to work harder. Look into careers and see what interests him. Engage with him on what he might want to do and use that to tailor discussions

Some kids can coast to Bs in gcse. A mixture of ability and luck.

They get a real shock at a level, though!

It's a big jump and you can't coast.

The things jumping out at me from your post is that a) a private school won't tolerate the disruption of learning to other paying pupils and b) he wants to go to uni but doesn't know what he wants to study?

Nope.

That's a classic drop out kid in the making if ever I saw one :(

Maybe some careers advice? Is he OK mh wise?

Without wanting to be one of those.
Is there any chance he could have ADHD, specifically the inattentive type.
Only he sounds a lot like me when I was his age, incredibly smart but unable to knuckle down and apply myself. I've essentially dropped out of everything good because I struggle to see things through to the end.
Was diagnosed in my 30s.
I find I perform best when under pressure. I need a deadline, a life altering scenario etc to really shine.

You sit him down and tell him if he doesn’t get off his arse and start studying he will never get to uni.

You take away pocket money/allowance and teach him what it’s like to not have money unless you’ve worked for it.

They can coast a bit in lower sixth and still get good grades, but being disruptive isn't acceptable at all.

One thing you could do is book a couple of university visits for this term. Start with a big cool city university which needs high grades with lots of courses like Manchester - they have open days on the 22nd and 29th June, visit some departments and let him get an idea of what he'd like to study.

That will give him a bit of focus.

I wonder what this is about if you take a step back.

Ie, why is a very capable lad not pursuing things to the best of his ability.

I was struck that he gave up his "development team".

I wonder if he is worried about having to grow up and develop and leave home and doesn't feel ready. This is a way of trying to express something that can't be put into words?

I have seen a couple of friends with very bright sons who could not stay focussed at A level. In both cases they stayed at home, worked locally, took a levels later and in their early 20s went to uni. They weren't ready before.

Anyway could be totally barking up the wrong tree but that is what came to mind.

Could you try to talk to him about how he is feeling about taking the "next step" in life - and why it is that is is holding back from giving himself the greatest range of options for that next step.

Stop paying for things so he needs to get a job. Remind him that university is expensive and he needs to build up some funds so he has spends when he is there.

Has he looked at which universities he might like to go to, might incentivise him to study more

I think that is fair. Otherwise he's just going to think he can get away with doing the bare minimum and still get rewarded.

It's a harsh lesson but not a unique one. I remember my Dad telling me at that age to knuckle down and work really hard for a few years to make the rest of my life easier. He acknowledged that it would be difficult as I was at an age I just wanted to have fun with my friends etc. but that I had to try and see the bigger picture. I'm glad I listened to him. Obviously it's not as black and white as that but you get the picture.

Is he spoilt? Why did he quit the job? When me and my friends were teens the Saturday job was a way to get cash to socialise/buy clothes/save for that holiday after a-levels. Does he get all of those
things without working?
Maybe start bringing up what he is going to
do after school, that he will be expected to move out and either work or go to uni, that there will be things he has to fund himself. Cancelling the holiday… maybe. But he might not be bothered.

B's across the board is pretty amazing...

He sounds flaky and that's not going go help him later on in life. It also sounds like he's maybe had things too easy. I think I'd be working with your dh and the dm to have a joint approach of pushing him to take a new job and to stick at it, only then would you take him on holiday with you. He's at risk of becoming a spoilt drifter and wasting his potential. Good luck with all this, you sound like a caring stepmum going above and beyond.