Ultimatum to get DSS to apply himself?

Not too sure which educational system he is in or which stage he is at but could this be the school beginning to take steps to ease him out? The school might think it is better that he moves on now of his own volition rather than struggling on and affecting their grades. Where I am in England 16 could be the lead up to GCSEs and the school not being keen on keeping him for A levels.

I would perhaps start having discussions with him about whether that school is the right place for him, partly because it might focus him into deciding he does want to stay and hence work and partly because it might not be the best place for him to be for the next couple of years and it is better to move sooner rather than later.

So you talked about his challenges at school and you think just because you had a conversation, these challenges are now null and void? What practical steps did you take to address the challenges he is having? What support was he given?

From experience they have to learn the hard way. I was that kid and started my degree course when I was 30. My son was even more that kid, he’s about to graduate aged 49 and is currently seeking funding for a PhD. Different people are ready to fulfill their potential at different stages.

From experience also, the more you nag the less he’ll knuckle down.

My DDs are adults now, but I do remember saying to them that it was their decision as to how much they worked and that I trusted them to make the right decision for them. The last thing I wanted was for them to feel pressured at an age when so much else is going on in their lives - puberty, relationships with the opposite sex etc.

They did fine - they all had degrees and one a PG qualification, and they are all doing well in their lives. They seem to have a good work/life balance and an idea of what is important.

Exactly!

Agree with Lanawashington & ToBeOrNotToBee. The “doesn’t apply himself” phrase stands out. Story of my school reports. Might just be a phase of teenage brain development, impetuous, distracted by shiny stuff, lack of concept of longer term thinking etc. But I’d read up on inattentive ADHD.

Make sure his diet is good with a full complement of proteins, vitamins and minerals from whole food unprocessed animal products, vegetables, fruit and nuts/seeds in order to have the raw materials to synthesise and transport neurotransmitters for optimal brain functioning. Dopamine & serotonin just don’t happen without a ready supply of the metabolic precursors in the diet.

Look into ADHD life hacks/coping strategies like exercise, list journalling, environment shaping (reduce friction in his space that impedes the flow of connection/impetus to approaching work), “just do one thing” / “just do 5 minutes” / Pomodoro technique etc. There’s also apps for ADHD for planning, accountability etc which could be helpful. Even if it’s not ADHD, they’ll still be helpful for someone who struggles with those aspects.

B’s at GCSE are easy peasy. Lots of kids can wing GCSE’s at B without applying themselves.

There used to be a mammoth jump between GCSE and ‘A ‘levels.

Being financially spoiled won’t be doing your stepson any favours.

Being disruptive and a show off at school is completely unacceptable.

Time to get tough!
Get a job&c to pay for stuff for himself.

Lay off him. He's in a pressured environment and needs his recreation

Bs across the board will be fine and better than most

The ADHD suggestion resonates with my personal experience too.

I also don’t think you can make people do things . Especially 16 year old boys. He’s just not going to see the world in the way you do no matter how much you talk to him. And you risk making him feel that your love is dependant on academic achievement.( I understand that this is not your concern- you just dont want him to waste his chances)
Some boys take a while to mature and find their direction in life. My sons are adults now . It took them a bit longer than some of their peers to sort themselves out- but both are now happy and successful. What was happening at 16 bears no resemblance to the final outcome. And both admit they didn’t care about working for exams at school.
I think using the holiday as punishment could backfire big time.
People go through many troubles with their teenage dc. When there are real troubles all you wish for is for your dc to be happy in life. Exam results need to be put in perspective as they are entirely redeemable later in life

You've said he's an okay kid and he's getting B's. Don't you think the private school is just doing what they're paid for and being tough on him/holding him to high standards so you all can push him to achieve more? Which might not be the right thing to do if he's not genuinely enthused by his studies. I'd say it sounds like he's doing fine and while you should of course talk to him about the disruptive stuff and about applying himself, it's not grounds for ultimatums and punishments. He didn't choose to go to private school and not everyone is a straight A student even if they're theoretically capable of that. There's more to life and there's certainly much worse kids his age so i wouldn't go OTT about this.

I think YABVU. He sounds like a very normal 16 year old who would be best left to learn his life lessons through natural consequences, like the vast majority do.

I was thinking about ADHD the inattentive type as well. Very like my story, late diagnose, same struggles.

Punishing him like that won’t work if he has ADHD, it’ll only make things worse for him.

I think I will be one of few with a different stance on things.

I think theres an incredible amount of pressure on this 16 year old boy.

He was privately educated, had loads of privileged opportunities, he has teachers and parents expecting across the board A grades. He's only a child.

I was a smart cookie. I absolutely smashed my GCSEs but my A Levels went downhill.

The thing is, you have years to resit, to figure out what you want to do. Going to uni is not the be all and end all, and not getting the grade you want first time is not the end of the world.

Let him figure it out himself. Allow him to see where his choices take him. If he doesnt know what he wants to do at uni, you can let him know that its perfectly fine to take a year or two out working or doing some additional courses etc at college before he takes that leap.

I went to uni and my career since has not reflected the course I had completed and now at 30, I am considering going back.

I definitely wouldnt cancel his holiday.

Let him have space to breathe for a bit.

Firstly I think you need to get a bit of perspective. So many 16yo’s from all sorts of walks of life have MH issues, self harm, are involved in crime, takes drugs smoke etc. the worst thing you can say about yours is “He gets B’s”

Also having once worked in a private school they push for all pupils no matter what ability to get high grades so they can crow in the prospectus about the high grade average. It’s not necessarily that they think he CAN and should get all A’s.

Lastly if you are going to do something as unpleasant as take his holiday away from him, you need to strictly define what “apply yourself” means. What does it mean? What do you actually want him to do in practical terms before you have decided that he’s ‘applied himself’?

Using the holiday as a bribe carries the risk he will hit the self destruct button if he doesn't go.

You might think the situation is difficult now but believe me a teen in full on self destruct mode is much much worse.

B's without working is ok. It more sounds like he needs a goal and is also worried about failure.

Try visiting unis, conversation about what subjects he does NOT want to study, some work experience/Saturday job maybe?

I also didn't want to be one of the those but was wondering the same. He sounds exactly like I was at school and I have ADHD. Really capable but I just couldn't concentrate and was always distracted. No matter how much I wanted something or how much pressure was put on me by my parents

You repeated "applying himself" many times in your post but this is a nebulous term which is not helpful to a teenager or anyone at all.
If you want him to change his attitude, you need to be more specific with your feedback. What do you want from him exactly when you say "apply himself". You mention realising the opportunity. How would he demonstrate that?
Do you want him to pick an interest and work towards it? Say so. Do you want him to do better at school - how much better, in what subjects. How will he evidence that? Do you want him to stop being disruptive in class? Say it. Set targets. Figure out what drives the behaviour.
He wants to go to uni but doesn't know what he wants to study? So he doesn't want to go to uni. It's not really a requirement at his age. He can take time to figure it out and enroll as a mature student. As someone who went to uni at 32, I disagree with your comment that "life will be very hard". Life was great when I went to work after school, I learned loads, I developed maturity and gained experience which led me to my career.
And yes, I was told to apply myself a lot as a teen. I had no idea what it meant and, honestly, it just sounded as criticism which didn't help my attitude or my relationships with my parent. Whereas, if someone sat me down and actually explicitly said what they want from me and asked me how they can help me to get there, it may have been a more productive conversation altogether.

He's 16. He is behaving like many 16 year olds. It is sometimes hard for them to see the point of education when they have no clear path ahead in their minds - and no reason why they should have.

Let him get his Bs - that's not to be sneezed at. "We know you could do better than this, but you are nearly adult and have to make your own decisions."

I know it is hard, but you can't make him work harder - the impetus has to come from him.

This sounds exactly like my DD. She would always make minimum effort - but did fairly well at GCSEs, but could have done better if she'd worked. She came unstuck at A levels, she didn't do brilliantly at her mocks but believed the real exams would be fine. She didn't get the grades she needed to go to the university she wanted and then wanted to do another year at college to resit the exams. I refused to support her as she hadn't worked, she'd switched subjects and then missed loads of lessons. She had to go to a different university. Her first assignment there she failed and had to resit with the 2nd assignment. This was a wake up call and she said she didn't want to have to do that again. So she worked after that and passed her course. She got a job and since then has taken further courses in her own time
As my Dad said when she was taking her GCSEs and I was pulling my hair out with her 'You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink'. This was so true she had to realise the hard way that she had to put the effort in.

If you are ready to book, how are you glong to judge his effort over the next few days?
And what if he sustains things until holiday booked, then reverts to typical? Will you not take him on the holiday that is booked and paid for?

Whilst an ultimatum is possibly what's needed (unless support and structuring will do it), I'm not sure a holiday is a viable one to use.

First, I think you need to divorce the holiday from the study. I don’t think you can bribe or punish with family events ~ you either all want to do this together or you don’t.

Then I’d try and draw out what the issue is ~ boredom, laziness, immaturity, anxiety? What does he think would help him the most? Does he want to stay at this school or go elsewhere ( non threatening)?

I really don’t think it’s a major problem he doesn’t know what he wants to do at uni. Why should he when there are 100s of subjects he hasn’t experienced yet. A gap year could help that. But what type of work would he like to do ~ and what course would take him there? Can he get some work experience?

Talk and listen is my advice.

If he's a B student without putting in any effort then he must be pretty smart, lol.
You can't tell him what subject to study at uni. If he doesn't have a firm idea then he needs careers guidance. You could tell him if he gets a part time job and sticks with it, then he can come on the holiday. Using his wages as spending money. He's being lazy but that's not usual among teens.

I know with my teenager she’d hit the self destruct button if we did that and probably do even less so it depends how you really think he’d react. Also how do you measure progress? Better grades or a better school report? What if he tried but actually couldn’t do any better? My DD has been told she could achieve 9s in subjects and gotten herself in a real state because she found it all too much.
I think smaller consequences would be better than such a large one; ie he can’t have his pocket money if he hasn’t done what is needed and be clear what that looks like.
Unfortunately some of it at this age is letting them make their own mistakes

I'm not trying to be contrarian, but I don't see what "private school" has to do with it?

I went to a private school so I'm not shitting on it in that way. I guess it came across to me as "well, we pay for your private school, DS! You owe us As/applying yourself"

If so, please don't do that. I can still remember my parents saying "it costs 20p a minute to send you here" and I thought, "but it's YOUR choice. Don't labour it on me"

He doesn't owe you anything and I second PP who said there's something deeper going on for him. I was the "flash in the pan" who was always moaned at for not "bucking up", but it just wasn't my time. Admittedly I was younger than your DS at the time, but once I turned 13, I flipped. I left school top of the year, perfect GCSEs and A Levels etc etc

I think there's something deeper going on with him