To not be remotely involved in teen's gcse revision

If you have a teen that is pretending the exams are not going to happen and not actually doing any revision, then it might actually be quite useful to have a parent sit down with them and work out where they are struggling and try to put some scaffolding and structure around them. And yes, he was grateful.

No, that's not appropriate for all teens, but that's surely the main message of this thread?

I wish my teenage son had let me get a bit more involved, but he didn’t want any input from us at all. I feel guilty that I didn’t try harder.

If you've got a child that's doing well and seems to be on top of everything then just be grateful you have an independent learner.

I'd still suggest having conversations with them. Do you have everything you need for the exam? Would you like more pens so you have lots of spares (I may have a slight obsession about pens)? Can I print anything off for you? or simply, more generally - you seem to be on top of your revision but please let me know if there is anything I can do to help or simply be here for someone to vent to. It's very easy for a child to tell a parent they sense is not really interested that everything is "fine" whilst silently panicking inside.

Even if you are leaving them to get on with their revision I'd suggest paving their way in terms of making other things easier. This is about the point, with a month to go, where you might offer more lifts rather than expecting them to get the bus, or ease up on expectation of household chores. Or simply get in a hefty supply of their favourite snack :) So you are supporting in a way that is not micro managing and they get the message that you are helping in your own way.

My eldest would not accept any help whatsoever. He shut himself in his room and refused to even discuss revision timetable (or lack of it!).

All we could do was make sure he was fed, be positive and encouraging, and ensure that he didn’t have to worry about any logistics etc.

He would occasionally talk to my DH about maths but that was it. I was completely prepared to help him with testing etc, but the suggestion used to freak him out so we just left it.

There are different ways to support your child.

My parents weren't involved at all with mine. I need to be with DD as she has ADHD so I feel like I've got to keep her on track throughout but she's doing a pretty decent job by herself so far. I'd not get involved if I didn't feel it necessary though.

Was this a French mock speaking exam? If not, it seems like Y9s would be terribly disadvantaged with their grade outcomes vs a pupil who had 24 more months of French learning before their exam!!!

My GCSE age DS (also ASD) doesn't benefit from my input. He's in the top sets academically and has always preferred to work independently without me needing to push or guide him. So I've let him get on with it other than regular check ins to see if he'd like me to do anything. He's motivated and a good wee studier so I'm happy to let him just crack on. I don't imagine my other DC will be the same, they already need more pushing than DS ever did. I was a self motivated learner and had very little parental input and did really well so I don't think I'm doing him a disservice. The support DS needs takes other forms. All children are different in the levels of parental input they need.

I helped my daughter because she needed me too. Read out flash cards with questions and answers, topped up revision boxes I'd made for treats while she studied and stopped all chores so she had only school to worry about.
She struggled though to get 4s and needed that extra support at home.
Every young person is different but as long as they get appropriate support for them that's all that counts

I helped my teen do their revision timetables for end-of-year exams in Y7, Y8, and Y9. From Y10 I reminded them that they needed one, forwarded them the email from school, and DC said that they made one and appeared to be doing lots of revision. Because hand-holding took place in Y7-9, I loosened the reins and allowed for independence. Whilst my child copes this way, I do understand that every child is different and some may require more support than others.

My parents were like this, I’m sure they would have said I was doing fine by myself but it just felt like they didn’t give a shit tbh. I’m not saying they should have sat down with me to revise but I think it’s always nice to show an interest, like you would if someone was going through a stressful time at work.

My hands off approach is due in part to once having this woman work for me, who was absolutely useless. She had straight As. Basically could barely wipe her arse unless she'd been shown how to first. She did tell me she'd sat down with her parents all through school to do her homework/revision. I know it's one person, but did put me off my child getting false grades.

The sort of things I helped with were usually asking questions in the revision guide. That was mostly science.

With languages the DC had to learn stuff off by heart. So I helped by asking the questions for the orals and making sure he could recite the answers. It’s similar with A level - he has a paragraph about his project memorised plus I ask questions on the topic and he answers.

I cannot thank of a more soul-destroying or more surefire way to put a teen off their revision than a parent taking ownership!!

Gloat post. Mine has ADHD.

YABU "hoping other parents take a back seat at this stage too"

What an odd position. Just do what's right by your own child surely. How will it help your child in later life when they say why didn't you encourage me to say oh well some other parents didn't bother either?

My parents took not one jot of interest in me.. I 'failed' my GCSE's it reduced my options going forward .. It took me along time to 'feel good' about myself.

I have ensured my child is not in the same position, I have learnt topics to help her understand them. I'm pushing her to do her best - nudging her along the way.

I don't regret it - she is doing far better than I did .. she is also far more confident and well rounded.

I get what you mean OP. I've always firmly believed that my kids should want to do well at school for themselves, not for me.

I instilled a good attitude in them from the start of primary school, when they did need my help, and I now make sure they have everything they need - food, a suitable environment in which to work, the right tools, etc. If they ask me to test them against their notes, I'll gladly do so.

They know I care and that I'm proud of them. The details of their revision are up to them.

And of course I realise that all kids are different, but I am saying this to reassure OP that there are other parents out there who don't get involved and it's not because we're bad parents.

Yep same! I leave him to it. I provide revision guides, stationery and food!

I will go one better I'm a FE college lecturer and 2 of my DC did my course. Neither came near me for help.insisted on being normal students and doing it all themselves! Both highly successful in their chosen careers and earn oodles more than me

You sound ever so slightly superior. Your title of ‘not being remotely involved’ sounds disinterested. I think every child is different and an appropriate amount of interest/support/guidance can be shown depending on the situation.

If YABU then I am. I occasionally say interested things. I want to help but he won't let me!

If I was a pushy sort he'd get 8s and 9s because he's capable, but we've had a lot to go through as a family because I have a serious illness so I'm happy with him just doing enough to pass. He got mainly 6s and one 7 in his last set of mocks so that's enough for the sixth form college.

As a teen, in an abusive and neglectful home, I remember my mums lovely friend coming over, who I adored and was like the perfect example of a good mum to me.

she said about her daughter in a non braggy way as she wasn’t like that “oh Gill (made up name) is going 9 GCSE’s this year, how many is Agatha going to sit?” Mum looked blank. She didn’t know.

“oh when’s her first exam?” mum had no idea.

promised myself I’d show some interest in their GCSEs if I ever had kids, just so they knew I gave a shit what they were doing. I get why some people are hands off, but it’s a bit like not asking your partner how their day at work went. They may not want it. But they might.

My DD’s school do their language gcse in year 9, so my 14 year old has just had her French speaking exam. She’s bright but a bit dreamy/lazy, so I have been making sure she revises every day. I haven’t checked what she’s been doing, but I know she’d have done a lot less if I hadn’t insisted.

Maybe when she’s 16 I won’t bother (my mum didn’t, but I was bright & not lazy/dreamy!).

That said, my brother is bright but lazy and no amount of bribery on my mum’s part could have improved his work ethic.

I’ve sometimes thought about this.. On MN the parents seem so involved in everything. Revision, Uni options, etc.

When I was at this stage of life - I just used to feedback subject options, results, preferred uni etc to parents.

So I understand where you are coming from.

First post nails it.