Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

Leave him to sort and pay for his pets. Having a dog in a flat isn’t easy. They aren’t toys.

Christ people make having a pet such hard work. I am in Ireland and have a dog and the majority of people I know, the dog pretty much fits in with the peoples lifestyles and certainly don't interfere with human relationships. Most of those who act like the OP's boyfriend are English! Maybe all the dogs in Ireland are miserable and indusciplinrd wretches, pining for the love and structure they don't have and toileting all over their owners houses but I see no evidence of this.

The dog issue is a red herring to me, he knows what works for him and their routine and that’s fine. However, he’s giving you early warning of some quite controlling behaviour (assuming your replay is accurate) - the move in to pay your 50%; things being ‘not allowed’ and telling you what / when you ‘should’ do things would make be very uneasy. We have a dog, we don’t tiptoe around it or go to bed because it’s her bedtime!

This won't work. Just continue to see him but live separately for now.

Fine that he has a routine with his dog, you shouldn't try to change that. But he sounds judgemental about your routine because it's different from his, and he wants you to change it to suit him. That would be a no for me.

Imagine that you only had access to a toilet at particular times; you would have to structure your life around that. If you had been waiting all night to go to the toilet, which from 8am-8:15am only, but the toilet was locked and you had no idea when it would open again, you'd get quite anxious, or even wet yourself. This is why the dog needs routines. He doesn't have ready access to a garden for a quick wee, as his owner was not very sensible and made him live in a flat.

You've articulated how his routines around the dog make him very unspontaneous, but I get a sense (?) that you find him a bit dull and inflexible perhaps? Do you find that when you go to his place he has routines, times and places for things that make him seem like an old man? Do you feel like a guest in his home and will this change once you are there? Are you actually actively planning to get married and have kids? Or are you just going to pay half of his mortgage?

You say you love him, but can you actually see yourself living with him? You sound worried about the whole thing, not just the pets.

I think you are unreasonable! Sorry. The reason is because as previous posters have said he’s being a responsible pet owner and putting effort in to meet a dogs needs.

And I sympathise with you. I love dogs and animals but I don’t currently have the time time to devote to a dog etc.

Run away OP

I don't think you're ready to move in with him. You seem unwilling to accept his responsibilities towards the dog, and his chosen bedtimes.
These are things you can't impose on someone. He's not asking you to go to sleep when he does, or take the dog out at all? So you going on and on about sharing the cost is a moot point. You are just being asked to accept certain aspects of his domestic routine. If you aren't ok with that I'd say moving in is a bad idea.

You sound a little bit immature, I'm sorry. He is perfectly right with his routine. The dog doesn't have a garden so he needs to be walked for the toilet. If his routine changes after 7 years, that dog's going to be upset. Imagine not being able to have a wee until your owner wakes up?! I feel like you're not ready to move in with someone yet.

He sounds rigid, patronising and controlling of you. He has a healthy sleep routine which is unreasonable of you to try to change. I would back off and let him keep his routines with his pets. Living with a dog in a flat sounds miserable, I would wait till he has a house with a garden before living with him. It sounds like you have a good life at your parents and are able to save - it doesn’t sound like it’s worth losing that to live with him right now. Spend less time at his so he doesn’t complain about you costing him money. Pay towards your own food at his. Obviously don’t pay for his pets. Spend quality time with him instead, for example when you both have a day or evening free, do something nice together. Quality over quantity.

He has a routine for his animals and that is great. BUT he is not willing to change or adapt any other part of his life for you.

Regardless of what you would like he will not change. It doesnt seem like you are compatible.

I think he would like money for bills, but doesnt actually want you living there.

Personally, I would move on and leave him to his animals, you both want very different things in life.

You’re both quite rigid in your thinking, and both seem sure your way is the only right way. You’re fundamentally incompatible I would say, and living together probably would be a disaster.

There's some adjustment needed if 2 people move in together but this sounds like you are very incompatible.

He likes structure and routine and has pets so he likes to stick to this. You want to be free and easy and go with the flow.

Neither is wrong but this is not going to work I'm afraid. You just are not in the same phase of life here. He's had to move on from youthful carefree because of his pets and you don't sound ready to move on right now. Unless there's a real need to move in together I'd stay separate right now

I'm finding all these comments about dogs needing such a strict routine a bit baffling as mine has never really had a routine for anything and he's absolutely fine, lol.

Having said that, if your partner wants to have a routine and it works for him, then it's not really your place to come in and demand he changes all that.

At first when I read this I thought perhaps this was an issue with your “laziness” and your readiness for the mundane routine of adult life. As I read it though I started to get an off feeling about your partner, as while he says he’s fine with you doing certain things, it seemed he’s subtly critical of you and condescending when you don’t adhere to his routine and way of doing things. For example, if you work an early shift I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to make you feel bad about having naps. Have you noticed any other indicators he’s controlling? How does he feel about what you wear? Your habits? Who you’re friends with? Your family etc?

He is a very responsible pet owner and putting them first. When there are threads on MN from women saying “should I move in with my bf if he doesn’t agree with my pet care routine”, invariably the chorus is always that the pets were there first and the OP’s primary responsibility. It’s hard work juggling a dog in a flat while doing shift work and he sounds like he makes the dog his priority, which is absolutely right.

However, you don’t sound generally compatible. He obviously loves routine and it’s important to him and you like to be more relaxed - both of those are valid positions, they’re just always going to clash. Think longer term - if you live with him and have children, is he going to want similar routines in a way you will find difficult and restrictive?

In all honesty I think if you move in with him you’ll both be miserable. Either this is a relationship which always needs separate houses (in which case what is your future going to look like?) or you should part ways now.

Hè needs to run a mile!

You shouldn't move in together. You're not compatible. He wants you to move in, but on terms that don't suit you. It's not about who pays for the pets.

With his unshakeable routines and you spending so much time with him that you might as well move in, what's your social life like? Do you have a social life together with other friends? Do you have an independent social life? Or is it all just work, family and him?

You've only been together a year. If I were you I wouldn't dump him but I wouldn't move in either, and I would plan to spend more time at my own place and with/making my own friends.

he was also very quick to constantly tell me how living in your own place is very different and that I wont fully understand if I’ve been with my parents a lot but that he can “help me to understand” type thing which I think is making it all so much worse. I’m not much younger, he’s only 2 years older but I do feel like I haven’t had as much life experience as I have been heavily saving while he has obviously put that money into a much more stereotypical adult lifestyle

OK, scrub what I said above. He's an arsehole. Dump him now.

Hand on heart, I couldn’t stay up til 2am and not put the dogs for toileting, but we’re not in a flat. It seems you aren’t compatible with routines. Him going to bed at 8 for earlies is crazy, how much sleep does he need? Maybe I’m prejudiced, my DH will go to bed at 11 to get up at 5 and he doesn’t go to bed ‘for a few hours’ after earlies, he might snooze after dinner for 15 minutes. I don’t see when you’re going to spend time together.

You don’t need to pay for the pets, you do need to pay if you’re there most of the time, but he won’t change his routine and you shouldn’t be disrupting his and offering to take out the dog when you feel like it isn’t really on. He’s used to a certain routine and should be sticking to it.

My conclusion is that you won’t cope longterm with his grownup routine, don’t move in.

There are 3 issues here….

he is a morning person, your not!
he likes routine and structure, you don’t!
you are lazy, he is not!

he sounds like a responsible pet owner and will choose his pets over you!

you are not compatible!

I would only stay a couple of nights a week and not move in yet. I can’t work out if he’s telling you you can’t go to bed later or not? If he’s not telling you what to do then I don’t see an issue. He likes his routine and it works for his pets.

OP, on the one hand it’s frustrating to read your messages because it does feel like quite a “young” attitude to an adult relationship. On the other hand, I will give you kudos for really thinking about this before jumping in.

You’ve fixated on the pets, but they are symptomatic of what I think your deeper concerns are: you’re worried that this man doesn’t love you enough to make room for you in his life. You’ve recognised that he’s happy to have you around, but there’s no real push to find a way to make your lives work as a partnership. And that’s not a criticism of either of you: he has a routine and lifestyle that works for him, but he needs to be honest with you about whether he really wants to build a new life with you or if he’s just (ironically) going with the flow in the relationship and hoping you’ll adapt to his life.

For this reason, you need to have a real, adult conversation about your relationship. Do you have the same goals and desires? Do you want to work in partnership to build your lives together? If yes, then you can absolutely fine ways to make your routines work together. If not, it means reviewing whether this relationship works for you both long term. Being honest when you love someone is hard because of the fear of losing them, but if you’re not honest, you’ll never really have them in the first place.

His routine is not causing the strain. Your expectation that he will change his routine to fit between the times you are wating a nap/to be lazy/entertained, is causing the issue.
Find someone who has no ties - pets or kids- someone who likes your lifestyle, and have a good time with them until you are ready to understand that other people's commitments cannot always be changed to suit others
Don't force someone to change. It will only cause resentment all round

Don't move in with him. He may be right to have the routine he has for the reason he has it, but that doesn't mean yours is objectively worse, and if his is going to completely dictate your life then you will be miserable.
It will never feel like your it's your home too.
He will probably be guilting/nagging/scowling about your naps and the time you get up. He has already started doing that. The bedtime part I can understand, but he shouldn't be trying to control whether you take a nap or not, especially when you work shifts.
He can be a responsible dog owner and also a knob head.