Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

313 replies

LilacsLife · 17/04/2024 22:26

I have a few questions actually and I am hoping to cover them on this one thread! I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon (we have been doing it where I’m staying basically full time, so he did express to me that he thinks it would just be best I move in and can then officially split things 50/50). He has a dog and cat and has told me I absolutely don’t need to contribute money towards them, but that he then wants to be able to stick to his schedules with things, he is quite strict with stuff like bedtime and when he goes to bed and does walks and stuff, simply so the dog stays in a routine (he lives in a flat so there’s a few walks for a toilet break) and there’s one before bed, so he has set bedtimes for set shifts and things. It feels quite a lot (we are late 20s, I will add) and we are obviously child-free atm so don’t really want so much structure, I’ve said like can we just relax on that and he says if we do, the dog’s behaviour can be unpredictable with being too hyper or having accidents (if routines aren’t followed) I love his pets and do want them to become mine too and for me to be able to have an equal say in stuff and I said if I can, I’ll of course then contribute to half the costs of them, he says he admits it might be hard to do that as he has had his dog 7 years and knows what’s best for him and would find it hard for me to now come in with a bunch of different ideas and change things up, which is why he says he would never expect me to pay for them. What’s the general opinion on this anyway? Do people split pet costs if they move in with partners that have pets? Like, I have no idea what is even acceptable with that, regardless of this specific situation. I admit I am quite lazy and around full time work I don’t want to be setting my alarm if I’m on a late shift and having to work until the late evening but he will usually still have his bedtime of about midnight and get up at 8! I personally like to relax in bed most the morning until I’m due to get up for work or maybe get up an hour before to do some jobs, I don’t want to be up and out with the dog at 8am, he says I don’t have to be out with the dog but he thinks it’s going to be hard if he is going to bed at say midnight or even 8pm for early shifts (we both do shift work, but are usually on the same, it’s specific shifts hence he has his routines) and then I do completely different and I do agree… is this just a case of us not being compatible? It hurts my heart to think that as I love him loads and he actually makes me really happy and I love his dog and cat, I always wanted pets but my parents never allowed (I moved back in with them to save) so I do genuinely really love his, etc. but I am just a lot less structured and as I have admitted before… lazy lol. So does this then not work? He has said he will stick with his routines with his dog/cat (mainly the dog) around his shifts and I am more than welcome to do what I want that works best for me but that he would obviously like it to align with his the best it can but then I feel I have to do what he does vs what I do because of the dog so not much compromise? My friends and other relatives have had dogs and from my understanding it’s never needed to seem so rigid. I don’t know, feeling a bit deflated and have no idea who to ask on what’s fair

OP posts:
Catsmere · 18/04/2024 09:34

JosiePosey · 18/04/2024 09:25

I absolutely would not trust you to do this for my dog. I'd worry all the time that you were 'napping' and not taking the dog out when it needs to go. You can't just take the dog when you feel like it if the dog is used to a schedule.

You sound like you live like a teenager. No wonder he's very take it or leave it. I would just continue as you are, don't move in, but contribute to the costs you are causing at his house.

Show quote history

Same here. I wouldn't trust OP to care for any pets. The dog has to be taken out at set times and her attitude is "when I feel like it". I wouldn't want her "looking after" cats, either - no exercise needed but I can see doors being carelessly left open for them to escape, if they are indoor cats.

BF sounds older than his years, very aware of his responsibility to pets who are totally dependent on him, and comfortably set in that routine. OP sounds younger than her years and nowhere near ready for being even partly responsible for another being's life.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/04/2024 09:31

LilacsLife · 17/04/2024 22:37

I do understand that and don’t really expect everything to just change for me, but he has quite bluntly been like “it’s bedtime now, so I’m off to bed” and it feels we can’t even have a relaxing evening without watching the clock. He says he doesn’t even consider it’s clock watching as he is so used to it, I’m finding the adjustment quite hard! There’s a lot to think about all the time, it doesn’t feel relaxing coming home from work and being in that environment. As much as I do love being with him and being where he lives (or obviously wouldn’t be talking about moving in or being there a lot) but would really like some changes as a compromise but did worry he would be seen as the more reasonable one and then it’s a case of me just being forced to decide if I want this lifestyle or not! He says it’s not so bad as if we have children one day (we do both want this) it’s giving us a taste of it anyway and I get that, but I want to enjoy these years BEFORE all of that for a reason, it’s just hard as it feels like a small thing to break up over but at the same time seems to be such a big thing. I love everything else and the feelings for him!

Then don't move in yet

KreedKafer · 18/04/2024 09:31

It’s his dog, not yours, and he’s right to keep it to a routine where possible. This is particularly important in a flat, where the dog can’t just pop out for a wee when it needs one. The walks are the only opportunity for the dog to do its business so you can’t just take it out when you feel like it.

Saymyname28 · 18/04/2024 09:31

You have said you want him to change what time he goes to bed. But he hasn't said you should change what time you go to bed. Just that if you're keeping his dog awake till 2am you need to let the dog have a wee before going to bed. Perfectly reasonable. All animals go longer without a wee when they're sleeping, if you're keeping the dog awake it's going to need another wee.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/04/2024 09:30

Is his place two bedroom? Then I think the only way it can work is if you have a bedroom each then you can both sleep when you want, on your own schedule

Saymyname28 · 18/04/2024 09:28

I don't think you get to move into his house and turn his routine upside down.

Dogs do better on routine, you don't get to disrupt that and make the dog stressed for your benefit. And the idea that you could pay to get a say in how he looks after his dog is kinda entitled.

Sounds like he has a healthy sleep routine around his work, yours doesn't sound healthy. You're staying up late, not getting enough sleep and having to nap to top up. He has a healthy structure and I don't think your changes would benefit his life at all.

He's happy with his life, he's happy for you to join his life. You can choose to or choose not to. But you don't get to keep spending most of your time at his house without contributing to bills, that's cockfannylodger territory.

HanaJane · 18/04/2024 09:27

Sorry but if the dog is 7 then he's right you can't just come in and change the routine now, you'll have to be prepared to fit in with the routine for the dog so I would say do as your partner suggests and don't start paying for the pets, maybe you could get a pet together in the future.
As for bedtimes is he expecting you to fit in and always go to bed and get up at the same time as he does? If not then I don't see the problem really, you could invest in some headphones if you want to watch tv after he's gone to bed if noise is going to be a problem

Waltwaky · 18/04/2024 09:26

timenowplease · 18/04/2024 09:21

Run OP. He's a control freak. This is not going to end well.

Why is he a control freak? The op chooses to spend most of her time at his house. He has said this is who I am, take it or leave it and there's nothing wrong with that if he doesn't want to change. He's not forcing her to stay with him or move in... I'm not sure he even directly asked her to move in. The op can split up with him if she wanted... Not spend all her time there, think she can change a family members routine after 7 years and they're hers too and he's compromising. The situation just doesn't work

Hiddenvoice · 18/04/2024 09:25

This is tough, it seems you both have very different priorities and routines just now. He sounds very responsible and you want to be a bit more care free. Neither is wrong but you either learn to comprise together or it won’t work.

He can’t dictate your routine so if you like to nap then that’s your choice . He likes to get up and make the most of the day which is also his choice.

I wouldn’t be contributing to his pets but you also can’t change the pets routine as he knows them best and what works for them. I had a dog in a flat when I was in my twenties and yes It did restrict some things as I wasn’t able to go out all day and into night but I was happy giving that up as I was ready to settle down.

It sounds like he’s very prepared for the future, having children and settling down. It sounds (no offence) that you’re not there yet and still want your own free time. Neither is in the wrong but maybe it’s best not to move in together just yet as it seems like you want different things right now .

JosiePosey · 18/04/2024 09:25

LilacsLife · 17/04/2024 22:54

If I’m on an early shift (leave at 5) I like to go to bed around 11pm as I like to nap when I get home for a few hours. He likes to go to bed at say 8pm and get up at 4 and walk dog first etc. he has people come in for the dog during work and if I’m there and he’s at work, I’ve said don’t do that and I’ll of course take the dog out for a walk and I do take him out for the toilet a couple times (the same as what he was paying someone for) and he has said he admits he would like it to be less random (I do it when I feel like it, I’m not setting alarms on my phone etc) but he is ok with that as it’s obviously my choice. If it’s late shifts it’s him going to bed at 12 and getting up at 8, I prefer to go to bed at around 2:30 and get up later in the morning etc. he doesn’t mind but as I say, barely seeing that much of each other or he’s up waking me up rather early (not intentionally) but I just mean feels we can’t be on the same page if we want to be doing different.

it just feels a lot and like I say, not stress free

I absolutely would not trust you to do this for my dog. I'd worry all the time that you were 'napping' and not taking the dog out when it needs to go. You can't just take the dog when you feel like it if the dog is used to a schedule.

You sound like you live like a teenager. No wonder he's very take it or leave it. I would just continue as you are, don't move in, but contribute to the costs you are causing at his house.

Shouldbedoing · 18/04/2024 09:23

Love me, love my dog 🎵

There's a song about it

theleafandnotthetree · 18/04/2024 09:22

fieldsofbutterflies · 18/04/2024 09:16

The more I think about it, the more I think he's not really that bothered about the relationship.

Most people would be happy to adapt their dogs' routine to spend more time with a new partner, or would open to making things a bit less structured to allow for a lie in or a late night occasionally.

The fact that he's very much "take it or leave it" means he's probably not arsed, to be honest.

I think there's something in this. The dog is a bit of a red herring, it could as easily be that he goes to his mums 3 evenings a week for dinner, or that he always gies for pints to X pub on a Friday night. The rigidity and lack of willingness to change a single thing suggests he's not going to.put himself out for you, now or ever and is simply not that arsed.

timenowplease · 18/04/2024 09:21

Run OP. He's a control freak. This is not going to end well.

Waltwaky · 18/04/2024 09:21

Redcarsontv · 18/04/2024 09:19

can you move in for say a month whilst keeping your original home?

then you can see what it’s like.

a dog with a garden must be extremely hard and I can understand the need for a strict routine. At our house one pops down and dog goes out to garden for a wee. Comes back in. DH in this time makes the tea and comes back to bed. That’s not going to be happening for you.

Op lives with her parents and is essentially at her bfs full time... That's why pp think he was mentioning more of a financial contribution rather than asking her to move in

Redcarsontv · 18/04/2024 09:19

can you move in for say a month whilst keeping your original home?

then you can see what it’s like.

a dog with a garden must be extremely hard and I can understand the need for a strict routine. At our house one pops down and dog goes out to garden for a wee. Comes back in. DH in this time makes the tea and comes back to bed. That’s not going to be happening for you.

fieldsofbutterflies · 18/04/2024 09:16

The more I think about it, the more I think he's not really that bothered about the relationship.

Most people would be happy to adapt their dogs' routine to spend more time with a new partner, or would open to making things a bit less structured to allow for a lie in or a late night occasionally.

The fact that he's very much "take it or leave it" means he's probably not arsed, to be honest.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 18/04/2024 09:13

Ok, let's put the pet thing to one side at the moment. Let's assume he's taking full responsibility there and you won't have to do anything.

What benefit will you see from moving in with him? Surely you're shifts aren't going to change between now and then, so it's no different except you're in the same house while he sleeps and you don't?

PerfectTravelTote · 18/04/2024 09:10

They're always going to be his pets regardless of who pays their bills. You'll have to just accept that.

theleafandnotthetree · 18/04/2024 09:07

The amount of people saying 'the dog comes first, as it should be' as if this were some kind of accepted wisdom....I have huge respect for animals, am a responsible owner to my own dog but to my mind, human relationships come first. So in this scenario, the boyfriend surely should be expected to be a bit more flexible and meet the OP somewhere in the middle. It is actually pretty bizarre that people think that he should not budge an inch in service of a dog. A dog. Forget the OP, I don't know anyone who would put up with that nonsense. Meanwhile, our over consumption of meat from other kinds of animals produced in horrific conditions contributes to climate chaos and biodiversity loss and causes untold suffering. It's a topsy-turvy world 🙄

fieldsofbutterflies · 18/04/2024 08:59

Lavenderflower · 18/04/2024 08:42

It sounds like you're not compatible. I think your post highlight why I wouldn't date someone with a dog.

I don't know a single dog owner who does what OP'a boyfriend does.

fieldsofbutterflies · 18/04/2024 08:58

Have you missed the point that the dog actually lives in a flat. Life can be slightly less structured if you have a garden for them to toilet in.

There’s a difference between general structure and a routine that's so rigid it needs daily alarms and can't possibly be deviated from by half an hour occasionally.

I also don't really buy the idea that dogs in flats need more of a strict routine than dogs in houses - yes, it's a bit more effort to take them for a wee but their needs are otherwise no different to dogs with garden access.

Our dog has never had a routine and honestly I think he's happier for it. Dogs who expect the same thing at the same time every single day are a pain in the arse in my experience.

Shayisgreat · 18/04/2024 08:51

Lillers · 18/04/2024 07:06

OP, on the one hand it’s frustrating to read your messages because it does feel like quite a “young” attitude to an adult relationship. On the other hand, I will give you kudos for really thinking about this before jumping in.

You’ve fixated on the pets, but they are symptomatic of what I think your deeper concerns are: you’re worried that this man doesn’t love you enough to make room for you in his life. You’ve recognised that he’s happy to have you around, but there’s no real push to find a way to make your lives work as a partnership. And that’s not a criticism of either of you: he has a routine and lifestyle that works for him, but he needs to be honest with you about whether he really wants to build a new life with you or if he’s just (ironically) going with the flow in the relationship and hoping you’ll adapt to his life.

For this reason, you need to have a real, adult conversation about your relationship. Do you have the same goals and desires? Do you want to work in partnership to build your lives together? If yes, then you can absolutely fine ways to make your routines work together. If not, it means reviewing whether this relationship works for you both long term. Being honest when you love someone is hard because of the fear of losing them, but if you’re not honest, you’ll never really have them in the first place.

I think the middle section here articulates my thoughts on this.

It doesn't feel right to you for a reason. I don't think you are overthinking, I think it is dawning in you that this relationship may not meet your needs. Trust that.

Honestly, I love a routine and I'm much more rigid than my DH and I do look sideways at him when he decides to have a nap in the middle of the day. However, I felt claustrophobic when reading about the expectations around routine for you if you move in. I imagine the sleep schedule will only be the start of it and then other things will creep in to.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/04/2024 08:50

I think this is about you not him. I don’t see him doing anything wrong except looking after his animals.

Having animals is a bit like having children, you are tied to them and they need routine.

I honestly think you’re the problem.

ZiriForGood · 18/04/2024 08:45

I'd say it is a great time to discuss or even try living together now. Fail quickly and move on.
Don't waste time just dating for more years, it wouldn't help.

It sounds it is tricky for you to find time together, and your napping isn't worse than his going to bed at 8 pm. If you want to give it a try, you can focus on the time you do have together, to make sure you actually use it well, and see whether it works.

Lavenderflower · 18/04/2024 08:42

It sounds like you're not compatible. I think your post highlight why I wouldn't date someone with a dog.