Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

I can't believe the responses OP is getting here, boyfriend sounds as controlling as fuck! Telling her she can't nap then "oh you can if you really want to but it ruins our time together" - wtf. People here are going to be against her because she confesses she likes to relax, see there's already lots of slating about being "immature", but this guy is ringing alarm bells for me, he wants it all his own way.

But you can’t wait for them to ask to go out in a flat, because you still need to get your shoes and jacket on and then walk them to somewhere they can actually go to the toilet

I mean, you can. Adult dogs are more than capable of waiting five minutes while you get your shoes and coat on. I mean, we have a garden but sometimes my dog will still have to wait because I'm on the toilet or in the shower or occupied elsewhere - it's really not a problem.

The OP has said her boyfriend doesn’t actually have a timetable, he just does things around the same time, the issue is that she’s saying don’t book the dog Walker and then isn’t taking the dog out around the time he’s used to.

Again, unless the dog is desperate I really don't see the issue with this either. Dogs don't need to go out the same times everyday (barring medical issues or puppies/elderly dogs). Even dog walkers won't turn up at exactly the same time every single day - I say that as a dog walker myself. It's just not possible for all sorts of reasons.

Because of her updates

It all seems to me to be a mountain out of a molehill?

He doesn't expect you to pay for his pets so that's good. He doesn't expect you to be involved with them from a responsibility point of view and that's fine.

I would imagine over time that things evolve organically, so he's late back or has a night out and he asks if you can feed/walk pets. He will want to see that his pets are ok with you and vice versa I guess.

The thing about different bedtimes, etc I think is also a non issue. I'm an early bird, dh is an owl. I go to bed at 9:30pm, dh stays downstairs and comes to bed at something like midnight. You can do stuff separately and still have a relationship.

When we had our dog, if we got up during the night he would be up too and standing by the backdoor to get out for a pee/quick sniff around. Pretty normal for dogs.

If you ignore, there is a risk of the dog toileting in the flat which is not nice for anyone including the dog and not the dogs fault.

dog + flat + different work shifts just isn't a good combination.

The only solutions are - dog is rehomed (No!!!!), wait until you can afford a house with garden together so dog can be let out back door (hope it is not a barky dog or your ndns will hate you), or the dog need to be taken out at 2am.

Seems like you have an expectation that when you move in together you should be on the same schedule for sleeping, waking and whatever you do in the day.

Thats not how it works in reality for many couples.

Lots of couple have different schedules but work at it to make it work for them. It doesnt sound like you're ready for this yet. It doesnt sound like he is either as he doesnt seem to want to compromise.

I do agree you shouldnt mess around with pet routines (or children if you had them) if it will impact them negatively.

Do you live with your parents usually?

I can understand you thinking ahead about the clashing routines and outlook but he does sound eminently sensible!

He has pets, lives in a flat so can't just open the door to let them out, and works shifts so of course he has to keep to a routine to have a smooth household - if only more men would be so organised.

You might change your mind about wanting to share pet costs if a hefty vet's bill comes in!

Don't move from your parents house to the house of a man who treats you like a child. You are right to recognise that you need some fun and freedom before having children. That is normal and natural. You say you are saving. Invest in your own future. Stop living in other people's houses and learn to live in a place of your own, even if it's just one room in a shared flat with other girls. Make friends and have fun.

The reason I think he's an arsehole is not because he sticks to a strict routine. It's because he claims that you have growing up to do but he isn't mature enough to see that you can't do that growing up while you're living with him and his routines.

he says I can if I really want to but that it’s just ruining our time together and how we function together at home…

So he says it's either do it his way or your time together is ruined? Really, he is an arsehole.

In a house with a garden, that’s exactly what I do too.

But you can’t wait for them to ask to go out in a flat, because you still need to get your shoes and jacket on and then walk them to somewhere they can actually go to the toilet.

The OP has said her boyfriend doesn’t actually have a timetable, he just does things around the same time, the issue is that she’s saying don’t book the dog Walker and then isn’t taking the dog out around the time he’s used to.

Then she’s up late so so is the dog and he’ll need out again.

Don't move in together. You have no idea what you want from your own home because you haven't been able to experience it yet. Get somewhere that's yours, think about cohabiting later.

Where do you live normally OP? It sounds like you have moved into his by stealth and as you are there most of the time he wants to make it official, by laying down a few ground rules and not subsiding all your living costs.

I can understand why if you are adding to his bills and hanging around his during the day why he might want to not pay for a dog walker - and have you take the dog out-but he can’t really trust you to do it.

He sounds like he’s adulting- paying bills, a few responsibilities, and you aren’t quite there yet.

He has said he will stick with his routines with his dog/cat (mainly the dog) around his shifts and I am more than welcome to do what I want that works best for me but that he would obviously like it to align with his the best it can

Baffling that some posters think he's being controlling!

in his world naps aren’t allowed. Don’t get me wrong, he says I can if I really want to but that it’s just ruining our time together and how we function together at home
I definitely wouldn’t move in with him! Not only is he inflexible about his own routine (fixed bedtime?! Never heard of people having these even after having children) but he also wants to control yours!
I know many people with dogs, none of them are choosing when they go to bed based on their pet’s routing! They set an alarm in the morning to take them outside but if they had a late night they just go back to bed afterwards.
Your DP and you really don’t sound compatible (and he is the odd one, not you!)

You’re overthinking here. Let him pay for and keep his schedule with his animals (enjoy the cuddles) and maybe join him for the odd early morning walk and you do what you want to do. You don’t need to get up/go to bed at exact same time every night.

You guys are so incompatible.

You've said you want a fun relaxed time as a child free couple before having kids - this is not the man for you.

He does sound controlling. The pet stuff is fair enough but you want fun and flexible and this will never be that. He sounds like a terrible person to have kids with imo.

This. There are parts of what you say that make him sound like he may be a bit inflexible or controlling. I don't think either of you are completely right or wrong, but I do think you aren't suited.

You come across as selfish and immature, not a great mix with inflexible.

You can't just get rid of the dog walker but not then do it at the agreed times. That would make me hugely anxious for my pet. Absolutely not fair, nor helpful.

He sounds extremely rigid and controlling. I would end the relationship if I were you. It’s great he loves his dog and cares for him but that level of control and rigidity is a red flag from a relationship perspective.

I wouldn't move in with anyone who expected me to live to his schedule, or his pet's schedule.

Jeez no!!
No way will his pets ever be anyone else’s.

They are his and his alone.

Keep out of their care and routines.

Let him continue with the status quo.

That's incredibly controlling, I love a nap and wouldn't stand for being guilt tripped like that.

It also sounds from your OP like he just wanted you to move in to defray costs? I wouldn't like that either.

I imagine he is correct about keeping the pets on the same schedule as before though, assuming he's currently a responsible owner.

I kind of understand your point OP.

I married DH, who had a pre-existing dog, we have no kids. A dog is a lot of responsibility. Even though you are child-free, you are not responsibility free. It is time consuming and restricting having a dog. I understand your point about wanting to enjoy/make the most of your 'child-free' time i.e lazing/lack of schedule before kids, however, your DP has a dog, and unfortunately this is a choice he has made, and he has to stick to his responsibilities.

It is good that he is doing so, you need to think about whether you are happy to live this part of your life with this dog. Or will it build resentment for you?

However, if he's doing all the dog care, and not expecting you to pick up any slack, then I don't see why you can't go to bed a little later and enjoy waking up when you want?

Either way, he has a dog, it's a huge responsibility, and time restriction, it's a choice he made, you need to decide if you're happy to live with his choices too as the dog came first and he seems like a really responsible owner.

I've read all of your posts. This sentence stood out:
it doesn’t feel relaxing coming home from work and being in that environment

And that's the one that tells you that this won't work and it isn't right for you.
You should not move in with him and you should rethink the whole relationship.

I'm not going to comment on who I think is right or wrong, I just want to say that your gut is telling you it's not right for you because you don't feel relaxed coming home and that will become unbearable when it's every single night, for months and years.

I think it’s different if you’re in a flat and don’t have a garden. I’m in a flat and so a loo trip is lead on, out the building and over to some grass- it’s not quite the same as just opening the back door. So I take my dog out 4 times through the day- he never asks to go to the toilet because he doesn’t have too- he’s never left until he needs to ask. I like to be able to plan any meetings and calls around these outings.

Very occasionally if he’s poorly he’ll ask to go out, so he does know how. But I think different people want different things from their dogs- it would drive me nuts if my dog was asking me to go out