Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

I think that you would be wise to not move in as you don't sound compatible. You may still be finding your feet in terms of how you want to live but your boyfriend is very much an old bachelor. He's seems set in his ways and is already implying that you should live exactly as he does.

One year is no time at all. Live by yourself and learn how you like to live. Then he can visit if he says not then he's telling you that he won't accommodate you, but I think he's already said that.

I also don't know any seven year old dog who is incontinent or who would toilet on the floor if they were expected to wait ten minutes to use the toilet.

OP never said anything about expecting the dog to wait an hour either, but the reality is that dogs need to fit around their owners to some extent.

If I'm in the bath or on the toilet or on a work call they yes, my dog is expected to wait - just like I'd have to wait if I was driving or the bathroom was engaged or I was at the dentist's having a tooth out.

That's not my experience at all @LondonFox - just because a dog is used to a certain routine doesn't mean it couldn't cope if that routine changed.

My dog is six and happily goes hours without asking to go out - if I try and let him out he just rolls his eyes and goes back to sleep.

For a seven year dog that is used to vo out at set times it is absolutely hughe deal.
At that age dog can start having incontinemce issuez, not to mention, dogs just like people like to pee amd poo when they are awake, not wait an hour for someone to get up from a nap.

Big respect for that bloke to caring for animals seriously.
But yeah, she can ditch him now and complain in a year time on MN why her baby daddy cannot bw bothered to attend screaming child as he is taking a long bath and chilling in bed.

Hi Lilacs. Sorry no time to read full thread but I've read your messages. What struck me was this.

"in his world, naps aren't allowed"

He's really calling all the shots isn't he. He sounds more like your supervisor than your boyfriend. The things he's said to you that he's quoted reek of disapproval. I note a few posters have said its because he's an adult and you are still not yada yada yada. He's not your blooming boss and whilst he may congratulate himself on his amazing time management and seriously disapprove of yours, doesn't necessarily mean he's right.
You are much much lower in the pecking order in this relationship and I think its far too early to move in with someone who makes you feel like that. Particularly if you've found it hurtful to hear him say he could be quite content without you being there but it would be great if you moved in and split the bills 50 50.
But from the sound of things, it doesn't sound like you'd have equal voting rights if you did.
He's made it clear that YOU are moving into HIS place and that you must conform to his rules. You've also said that you have substantial savings. What would the basis of you moving in be, does he rent? or pay a mortgage? Make sure you think about the financial side carefully and protect yourself if you do move in.

So moving on to the things he disapproves of. If I was leaving the house at 5 am in the morning, I'd damn well want a nap when I got home, so I could enjoy the evening. If that's what you need to do to prepare for the next shift, that's what you should do. You are in your early 20s, you don't have any particular responsibilities or children. He's made it clear the pets are his.

"he says I can if I really want to but that it’s just ruining our time together and how we function together at home"

That is complete guilt tripping - you are "ruining" your time together? But his strict timetable and inflexible routines are perfectly fine. There doesn't seem to be much room for compromise here. No give or take, its his way or the highway and he's already said he'd be fine if you didn't move in.

The reality of this is that you are both shift workers, often on different schedules. Somehow his way of sorting this out is Ok and yours is not. I imagine that being a shift worker you have to organise your life around shifts in a way that suits you- if you need a lie in before starting work at 11 if you've had a series of 5.00 am starts, then you should be able to have it and not feel guilt about it.

You mention several times that you are "lazy", presumably because of the naps. Did you consider yourself lazy before, or was this only since he started telling you off about taking time out to relax from what sounds like a busy and varied work routine. Is it a fair comment or Is it in fact his description of you?

Whatever character traits you find rankle with you now will more than double if you move in, so maybe you should take your time with this. Its a big decision and you have several issues to sort out with him before you do. He's not the boss of you - yet.

I think I will definitely be giving it some more time though, like we were definitely on the edge of moving in but I feel we need to take it back a bit

Wise move.

Having a dog is lovely. You haven't mentioned friends though. What happens when you want to stay out with friends? Or isn't that a thing?

my sister has a child and it genuinely feels like he talks about routine more than she does!

It really sounds as if inflexibility and the need for routine are more deeply rooted in your partner than they are in the dog. That's a worry if you were to have children with him. He might find a dog manageable but not be able to adapt his routines to the needs of a family.

I do take him out twice if I’m there and he is at work but as I say, I don’t have an alarm set for exact times, if I’m still half asleep or taking a bath, I will do it after I don’t see the problem. Maybe the dog would prefer it at the exact times he is used to but I really don’t see it being a huge deal

It's not a huge deal. Please don't let people tell you otherwise - what you're doing sounds absolutely fine.

@Herdingcatz I agree about different owners wanting different things. I also do what you do and let mine out before I have a bath or something just for convenience.

It kind of bothers me that people are standing up for him by saying "dogs need routine" while purposefully ignoring the bigger picture when it comes to his behaviour.

This isn't just a man whose dog has a strict routine - it's a man who won't ever flex his sleep schedule for his partner, who expects her to take his dog out to the toilet at 2am, who disapproves of her taking naps and who has said out loud that she can just take it or leave it:

He's inflexible and rigid at best, controlling at worst.

as I am looking to move out of home now as I do feel like I can still be treated a bit childlike and for that, I do much prefer the life at his and can see my future with him but just prefer flexibility

you don’t like being treated like a child- but you aren’t acting like an adult. It sounds like you’ve moved into his by stealth because you want to get out of your parents. If you want flexibility and to live your life by your rules you need to act as an adult and get your own place. If you live with others you will always need to compromise. Live by yourself for a bit get some independence

I don’t think either of you are compatible enough for this relationship, but should have stayed as friends as you enjoy each others company, but you’re really not on his wavelength at all and vice versa.

If it’s not fun and easy for both of you at the very start, it’s definitely not going to improve longer term, especially if you bring children into the mix. You can’t change someone’s fundamental personality traits and you shouldn’t try to.

Stay friends but move on and look for a new boyfriend.

If you want to move out, do. Find your own place or a houseshare.

If you want flexibility and carefree, do not persist jn a relationship with someone who has an established routine, 2 pets, a mortgage, and no apparent desire to become more footloose and fancy free. Because very few people become more flexible as they age.

I think you need to live by yourself as an adult and get some independence. I don’t think it’s particularly healthy to move from your parents straight in with a partner.

op you just sound very different. I have a dog and don't think I could live with a regimented, strict dog person, great they look after their dog as they do but it's just not me. You wanting flexibility and not wanting the responsibility he lives with is totally fine. Don't settle just to get out of your family home

as I am looking to move out of home now as I do feel like I can still be treated a bit childlike and for that, I do much prefer the life at his and can see my future with him but just prefer flexibility

This makes it sound like you’re only with him/wanting to move in with him so you don’t have to live with your parents.

That is absolutely not a good basis for moving in with someone and it just won’t work.

Perhaps look at shared housing/people needing a lodger to move out on your own if you don’t want to be completely alone.

Absolutely this!!

Its do important to learn to live by yourself first.

He does have a very rigid routine but he’s doing what he thinks is best for his pets, so he’s being responsible which is a good thing.

If someone tried to tell me how to care for my pets or kids after I’d been doing it just fine for years, it would definitely rub me up the wrong way.

Continue with the relationship but live independently for a while, do not move in together yet.

Then in the future consider getting a place together, so it will be both your homes and not just his.

You can't have that with him though. If you want flexibility, it would have to be with someone else?

Yep

also, any dog I had while living in a flat didn’t actually ask to go out unless it was urgent, they might start going, feels like you usually walk me about now, whatcha doing? Is it walk time? If you were doing something, same as any dog does.

But if they actually were at the door going, I need out, they really needed out.

OK the dogs thing isn’t unreasonable.

however I’m totally with you on the routine! Honestly he sounds quite rigid, boring, narrow minded and judgmental. As if you need to fit in with him, because his way is the right way. I could never be with someone who watches the clock for an early bedtime with no deviation…would feel like we were in prison tbh

you sound more relaxed and spontaneous than he is, and I think you might end up feeling stifled, insecure and misunderstood without some serious communication.

I've read her updates and didn't see anything that suggested controlling. What are you seeing ?

yes dogs can wait, but I work from home and in a flash so couldn’t have my dog asking to go out if I’m on a call, I much prefer that he knows he gets taken out regularly so knows he doesn’t need to ask. The thing is there is no right or wrong answer on this- different owners prefer different things.

I think from what they say the bf is fairly flexible with his schedule- the dog goes out around lunchtime for example- but it’s knowing to trust her that if she is going to take it out in the middle of the day it isn’t left until 3 or 4 o’clock because she’s flaked out. Dog walkers arrive at different times, but you’d still expect them within an hour or two of when booked

Yeah the no napping thing is bullshit. Don't fall for that.

@LilacsLife so, pet needs aside, you wanting a nap ruins your time together (his words) but he won’t flex things he does for you? Sorry, this is waving red flags for me as it sounds like you will be the one compromising and that could lead to resentment. Who compromises at the moment?

But I think different people want different things from their dogs- it would drive me nuts if my dog was asking me to go out

Whereas a routine of going out every x hours would drive me nuts. I really don't buy that dogs need such a rigid routine - it's just what works best for the owners and the dogs adapt to it and get used to it.

I purposefully never had a routine in place for my dog because the last thing I wanted was a dog who demanded walks at certain times or who couldn't settle without his routine being followed.

On weekends he often doesn't get up and ask to go out until 10am, on weekdays we have to take him out at six. He's fine either way.