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Original poster

Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

313 replies

LilacsLife · 17/04/2024 22:26

I have a few questions actually and I am hoping to cover them on this one thread! I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon (we have been doing it where I’m staying basically full time, so he did express to me that he thinks it would just be best I move in and can then officially split things 50/50). He has a dog and cat and has told me I absolutely don’t need to contribute money towards them, but that he then wants to be able to stick to his schedules with things, he is quite strict with stuff like bedtime and when he goes to bed and does walks and stuff, simply so the dog stays in a routine (he lives in a flat so there’s a few walks for a toilet break) and there’s one before bed, so he has set bedtimes for set shifts and things. It feels quite a lot (we are late 20s, I will add) and we are obviously child-free atm so don’t really want so much structure, I’ve said like can we just relax on that and he says if we do, the dog’s behaviour can be unpredictable with being too hyper or having accidents (if routines aren’t followed) I love his pets and do want them to become mine too and for me to be able to have an equal say in stuff and I said if I can, I’ll of course then contribute to half the costs of them, he says he admits it might be hard to do that as he has had his dog 7 years and knows what’s best for him and would find it hard for me to now come in with a bunch of different ideas and change things up, which is why he says he would never expect me to pay for them. What’s the general opinion on this anyway? Do people split pet costs if they move in with partners that have pets? Like, I have no idea what is even acceptable with that, regardless of this specific situation. I admit I am quite lazy and around full time work I don’t want to be setting my alarm if I’m on a late shift and having to work until the late evening but he will usually still have his bedtime of about midnight and get up at 8! I personally like to relax in bed most the morning until I’m due to get up for work or maybe get up an hour before to do some jobs, I don’t want to be up and out with the dog at 8am, he says I don’t have to be out with the dog but he thinks it’s going to be hard if he is going to bed at say midnight or even 8pm for early shifts (we both do shift work, but are usually on the same, it’s specific shifts hence he has his routines) and then I do completely different and I do agree… is this just a case of us not being compatible? It hurts my heart to think that as I love him loads and he actually makes me really happy and I love his dog and cat, I always wanted pets but my parents never allowed (I moved back in with them to save) so I do genuinely really love his, etc. but I am just a lot less structured and as I have admitted before… lazy lol. So does this then not work? He has said he will stick with his routines with his dog/cat (mainly the dog) around his shifts and I am more than welcome to do what I want that works best for me but that he would obviously like it to align with his the best it can but then I feel I have to do what he does vs what I do because of the dog so not much compromise? My friends and other relatives have had dogs and from my understanding it’s never needed to seem so rigid. I don’t know, feeling a bit deflated and have no idea who to ask on what’s fair

OP posts:
Catsmere · 19/04/2024 18:42

HoppingPavlova · 19/04/2024 18:38

@RetirementIsGreat Why would you move in with a guy that just wants to share the bills? I would only move in if he says he loves you and wants to be with you all the time. Sharing the bills is more like moving in with a friend

Not sure it’s that he ‘just wants to share bills’. By OP’s admission she is there pretty much full-time and pays no rent or bills. She contributes to food. If this were reversed and she was a man doing this, she would have 100% of Mumsnet telling her to get rid of the cocklodger. So, a female version essentially, staying virtually full-time and not paying her way. The boyfriend is wise to this and has basically said as she is there full-time anyway, how about actually paying fair share of rent/bills which is not unreasonable.

Not to mention her attitude to pet care. How well would most people take the “I’ll do it when I feel like it” attitude coming from a man who stayed up till 2am, disrupting the household routine?

HoppingPavlova · 19/04/2024 18:38

@RetirementIsGreat Why would you move in with a guy that just wants to share the bills? I would only move in if he says he loves you and wants to be with you all the time. Sharing the bills is more like moving in with a friend

Not sure it’s that he ‘just wants to share bills’. By OP’s admission she is there pretty much full-time and pays no rent or bills. She contributes to food. If this were reversed and she was a man doing this, she would have 100% of Mumsnet telling her to get rid of the cocklodger. So, a female version essentially, staying virtually full-time and not paying her way. The boyfriend is wise to this and has basically said as she is there full-time anyway, how about actually paying fair share of rent/bills which is not unreasonable.

RetirementIsGreat · 19/04/2024 18:27

LilacsLife · 17/04/2024 22:59

I do really appreciate all the insight, it’s really helpful to hear opinions on this as I sit thinking about it a lot

Why would you move in with a guy that just wants to share the bills? I would only move in if he says he loves you and wants to be with you all the time. Sharing the bills is more like moving in with a friend

JayJayj · 19/04/2024 18:17

I can completely understand where he is coming from in regards to the routines with the dog. My house only has a yard and my dog will not do his business in it. So we do have specific times he goes on walks. If we are late then it will cause accidents. If we had a proper garden then it wouldn’t be needed.

As for bedtime etc it sounds like you are maybe not compatible. It is a shame that he won’t do any compromises as it shouldn’t all be down to you to make them. Maybe time to rethink the relationship

Catsmere · 18/04/2024 22:32

Waltwaky · 18/04/2024 18:30

The weird part was the 'mum to him and his pets' comment as it made zero sense. The man couldn't seem to take his responsibilities more seriously if he tried and not in any way after a 'mother'

Show quote history

Yes, and everything OP has written says she is absolutely not ready to be responsible for pets. She hasn't the experience and doesn't seem to take it at all seriously.

Catsmere · 18/04/2024 22:22

Maybe the dog would prefer it at the exact times he is used to but I really don’t see it being a huge deal

You don't know much about animals if you're framing it as the dog preferring it. It's not a matter of preference, it's a requirement - and being about urination, it's about his health. Please keep away, you're not suited to care for animals with zero experience and this attitude.

Waltwaky · 18/04/2024 18:30

alwayslearning789 · 18/04/2024 18:26

"I have a few questions actually and I am hoping to cover them on this one thread! I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon.(we have been doing it where I’m staying basically full time, so he did express to me that he thinks it would just be best I move in and can then officially split things 50/50)...."

In the OP

And yes you are correct - "He has a dog and cat and has told me I absolutely don’t need to contribute money towards them, but that he then wants to be able to stick to his schedules with things, he is quite strict with stuff like bedtime and when he goes to bed and does walks and stuff, simply so the dog stays in a routine"

Still worth thinking about by the OP - so not weird, but an alternative point of view for her to consider.

Show quote history

The weird part was the 'mum to him and his pets' comment as it made zero sense. The man couldn't seem to take his responsibilities more seriously if he tried and not in any way after a 'mother'

alwayslearning789 · 18/04/2024 18:26

Waltwaky · 18/04/2024 18:14

What are people reading? He's literally said the pets are his, he doesn't want her to pay for them at all when she offered, pays a dog walker so she doesn't have any responsibility and he will be sticking to his routine IF she wanted to move in. Which it doesn't even sound like he asked her to do. So weird.

Show quote history

"I have a few questions actually and I am hoping to cover them on this one thread! I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon.(we have been doing it where I’m staying basically full time, so he did express to me that he thinks it would just be best I move in and can then officially split things 50/50)...."

In the OP

And yes you are correct - "He has a dog and cat and has told me I absolutely don’t need to contribute money towards them, but that he then wants to be able to stick to his schedules with things, he is quite strict with stuff like bedtime and when he goes to bed and does walks and stuff, simply so the dog stays in a routine"

Still worth thinking about by the OP - so not weird, but an alternative point of view for her to consider.

Waltwaky · 18/04/2024 18:14

alwayslearning789 · 18/04/2024 18:12

Yup

Mum to him and his pets

Don't do this OP,.too young for this crap.

Red Flag Central.

Show quote history

What are people reading? He's literally said the pets are his, he doesn't want her to pay for them at all when she offered, pays a dog walker so she doesn't have any responsibility and he will be sticking to his routine IF she wanted to move in. Which it doesn't even sound like he asked her to do. So weird.

alwayslearning789 · 18/04/2024 18:12

MariaLuna · 18/04/2024 01:34

<I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon>

Darling, do not do this. Stay single and solo. You'd just become a mum to him and his pets.

You're young enough. Take time to find out what you want from life. Follow your own dream, not someone else's.

Yup

Mum to him and his pets

Don't do this OP,.too young for this crap.

Red Flag Central.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 18/04/2024 18:12

well surely as she does not live there, then on the nights when he needs to go to bed at 8 pm when he goes to bed she should be going home...

home as in where she actually lives

she doesn't live there, and isn't contributing to living there - which is what he wants and has asked for in a roundabout way...

fieldsofbutterflies · 18/04/2024 17:08

He goes to bed at 8pm though @Pheasantsmate - I'm not really surprised she doesn't want to join him just to lie there in silence while he snores Grin

Pheasantsmate · 18/04/2024 16:47

SouthPotty · 18/04/2024 16:32

Am I the only one that finds this man's behaviour around his pets totally weird? I mean I had dogs for years and it would never occur to me to set my daily routine around them - obviously apart from walks and food, these do need to happen around set times.

But to go to bed at set times because it would interfere with a pet's routine? Hell no, you train your dogs to fit in with your lifestyle and not the other way round.

I have a feeling this man is telling you it's his way or the highway with him. Is he inflexible in other aspects of daily life as well? You may find that his established routine is way more important to him than creating a relationship, which in my opinion should be based on compromise.

I think he basically is saying that to settle the dog for the night it goes out for a wee. He’ll do that before he goes to bed- but if OP wants to stay up til 2am she’ll need to settle the dog. I think it’s fairly normal that most people let their dog wee before bed.

what I do find odd is staying round a boyfriends house and not going to bed together, but staying up to watch TV or whatever. This isn’t her home or anything- I might be a bit off the norm here- but if I stay round a boyfriends we are heading bed together.

Jaxhog · 18/04/2024 16:45

Don't move in. Your lifestyles are too different. and you seem very unwilling to recognise that his lifestyle is equally valid to yours. It will only end in tears.

SouthPotty · 18/04/2024 16:32

Am I the only one that finds this man's behaviour around his pets totally weird? I mean I had dogs for years and it would never occur to me to set my daily routine around them - obviously apart from walks and food, these do need to happen around set times.

But to go to bed at set times because it would interfere with a pet's routine? Hell no, you train your dogs to fit in with your lifestyle and not the other way round.

I have a feeling this man is telling you it's his way or the highway with him. Is he inflexible in other aspects of daily life as well? You may find that his established routine is way more important to him than creating a relationship, which in my opinion should be based on compromise.

NotMyFinestMoment · 18/04/2024 16:14

TeaKitten · 17/04/2024 22:34

He’s right, the pets aren’t yours, he doesn’t want them to be yours, it’s not your choice to make. You don’t sound particularly compatible for living together anyway.

This.

DuchesseNemours · 18/04/2024 15:21

I work a routine job my dog does have a bit of a routine - because that's the way the day works out - and I've still never known him to pester for anything, even when something unusual happens the routine is upset. I've never known any of my dogs to and they will all have had some variation of a routine, because I have always had a routine kind of life.

My theory is that, because they learn when things tend to happen, they never need to pester and so just never get the practice to know it works. So it's just not a behaviour they know really.

But the OP was talking about dogs in flats and every dog I've know in a flat (except ground floor with graden) has become accostomed to needing the toilet at certain times of the day; just because it's a longer process to 'ask' to go out when you live in a flat. Which means they do not get as much practice at asking and so need the humans to remember to take them fairly regularly to avoid accidents.

fieldsofbutterflies · 18/04/2024 14:52

@Haydenn we genuinely don't ☺️

Today, for example, he had his breakfast at 6am but didn't get his walk until 11am. Tomorrow he'll have his walk at 8.30am and will get his breakfast in "training" while we're out. Saturday he'll be out for his walk at 6am and will have his breakfast around 8am when DH goes to work.

It really depends on the day, what we're doing and what the weather is like. We're both self-employed so we can't have him on a set schedule or routine because our days just don't work like that. He's absolutely fine and never pesters for a meal or to go for a walk.

Haydenn · 18/04/2024 14:35

fieldsofbutterflies · 18/04/2024 14:21

When I've had dogs from puppies, I've made sure they get walked, fed etc at varying times, so that there was no routine and they never fretted if it was (eg) 8.15 and they hadn't had their 8.00 walk.

Be careful, someone will be along shortly to tell you you're a horrible dog owner 😉

I genuinely don't get the insistence that dogs have a set routine - life doesn't always work out that way and all it does is result in dogs who expect things to happen and get distressed when they don't.

Not to derail the thread. But I think just like “socialisation” routine means different things to different people. Some people interpret it incorrectly and that leads to issues. For me a dog’s routine means that things happen in a certain order each day- they get up, I get dressed, they go out for a walk and then they get fed. These things can happen in a window of a couple of hours- so they aren’t on a timetable and if things don’t happen at a set time they don’t get distressed but they also know not to nag for food because that comes after the next walk not before.

You’ll probably find you have something similar and don’t really notice because it just slots into life. Timetables I agree set you up for misery

fieldsofbutterflies · 18/04/2024 14:21

When I've had dogs from puppies, I've made sure they get walked, fed etc at varying times, so that there was no routine and they never fretted if it was (eg) 8.15 and they hadn't had their 8.00 walk.

Be careful, someone will be along shortly to tell you you're a horrible dog owner 😉

I genuinely don't get the insistence that dogs have a set routine - life doesn't always work out that way and all it does is result in dogs who expect things to happen and get distressed when they don't.

fieldsofbutterflies · 18/04/2024 14:14

@LondonFox my dog really doesn't need your fake pity 😂

He gets pretty much constant company, plenty of exercise, good food and is very happy without being restricted to an arbitrary human routine 🙄

PussInBin20 · 18/04/2024 14:13

But aren’t you already used to his routine as you say you are practically living there anyway? Or are you wanting to change it?

Ilovelifeverymuch · 18/04/2024 14:11

TeaKitten · 17/04/2024 22:40

You don’t have to break up, but you’ve only been together a year and clearly aren’t ready to move in together.

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I actually think it makes sense to move in so they can assess if they can live together or not and if not move on. I would say she gives it a year to see and don't make any serious commitments like buying a house together etc until they are such they can live together.

To me his actions suggest he isn't going to change so she either accept it or move on.

LakieLady · 18/04/2024 14:08

If a mature dog has grown up with a structure and a timetable, it would find it very distressing to have it altered. Most dogs like routine.

When I've had dogs from puppies, I've made sure they get walked, fed etc at varying times, so that there was no routine and they never fretted if it was (eg) 8.15 and they hadn't had their 8.00 walk.

It actually sounds to me like you and your DP have some fundamentally different attitudes that could be very difficult to resolve if you live together. When person A likes routine and structure and person B wants to do stuff on the spur of the moment, there's a real risk that either A gets stressed and unsettled by the lack of structure or B gets bored shitless.

Somepeoplearesnippy · 18/04/2024 14:06

You Say you want your life to be carefree and stress free. Which to you means spontaneity and no fixed routine. For your BF the way to keep his life free of stress and cares is to have a set routine.

Neither way of living is wrong. However IDK if two people who have such different approaches and don't appear willing to make changes to accommodate their partner will be happy making a life together. After all, if you can't agree when there's just 2 of you and some pets how are you going to be able to raise children amicably?