Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

Honestly OP it just sounds as if you're struggling with differing routines. Some people are very routine orientated. He sounds like one of those people. He's worked hard to find something that works for him and the dog and he isn't asking you to be a part of that. Equally you can't be mad at him for wanting to get an early night before an early shift. If he finds he really struggles at work after a later night then he's doing the very reasonable thing of going to bed earlier. Whereas you seem more of a night owl and need a nap after your shift to recover. Which is also totally fine. You're both living entirely for yourselves (though he is also taking on responsibility of pets and adapting to that) so to come together as a night owl and a morning person is going to have it's difficulties.

But saying that, every single thing we do is going to have the potential to be difficult. My ex-fiance (not an ex because of this. An ex because he decided against children) was a happy bouncy chatty guy in the mornings. Meanwhile I needed everyone to leave me the hell alone for half an hour while I drank tea. We got used to it and we managed just fine. In the same way, when I'm poorly I wanna be left alone. When he was poorly he wanted attention. For a while, when I was poorly he was all over me in the same way he wanted and I hated it. Equally when he was poorly I left him alone like I'd want and he hated it. It takes time to work out how to live with someone.

You like to lay in and have long evenings. He likes to get up and go to bed on time for enough sleep before his shift. That'll take some working out for the both of you. But honestly it's really fine.

In terms of the dog, he has built that routine and very much got something that works for him. He knows that dog and knows the consequences of not following the routine. You do not. So take his lead because its his dog.

Also, last point... maybe offer to pay something while you're there. If you're there a lot then it's only fair. Not 50/50 obviously because you've got your own costs. But definitely something.

Is this serious? I actually feel rather sorry for him and his pets. You say it's too much like you're late teens not late twenties. You can't just decide you want a say in someone else's pets lives and routine. You're not the one for him!

I’m finding the adjustment quite hard! There’s a lot to think about all the time, it doesn’t feel relaxing coming home from work and being in that environment

This is a you problem. Decide if you want to be living with him, pet schedule/existing responsibilities or not.

Finally think you’re in a good relationship and then things like this, that you don’t even think about end up feeling like a problem, but surely they don’t need to be! I feel his pressure of routine is causing the strain

It’s not him, it’s you. ‘His’ routine is to keep his dog (his pre-existing responsibility) in a routine that works. You asked if he could ‘relax on that’ and he told you the dog suffers - and you’ll all suffer - if he ‘relaxes’ the routine. He lives in a flat with a dog - if that dog suddenly needs the toilet in the middle of the night it’s not just opening the back door blearily at 2am. It’s a whole up and out situation. If you’re volunteering then cool, but I don’t think you are…

I would say that it sounds like you are too incompatible in terms of enmeshing your day-to-day lives. Nothing kills love quicker than the petty annoyances of living together! He clearly prefers a schedule and has a strong sense of responsibility around the needs and welfare of his pets. You'd prefer something a lot less structured. He seems to enjoy using his time more productively whilst you enjoy relaxing and lazing around. Neither of you is in the wrong, but it would create a lot of conflict and resentment. Don't do it!

🤨 I mean ... you already know YABU, right?

I think he sounds like someone who knows who they are and what they want, as well as taking his responsibilities seriously. It's not to say he's not bothered about you, but he has healthy boundaries and voiced them rather than your naivety about structure before children. Some people like structure regardless of responsibilities.

I also would 100000% not want anyone moving in with me paying towards my pets. They are mine

Please don't move in, I think you are wanting different things from your relationship. It doesn't sound like he is as flexible as you, as he has the responsibility of pets, which you don't. He doesn't want you to have any of that responsibility, and his life seems to revolve around his pets. How will things be when you want to go out for an evening and get won't as he needs to walk his dogs, or whatever. It wouldn't work for me, but you really need to thing about it it will work for you in the future.

I am there loads though, so it was actually him that was a bit more like “if you’re here most the time anyway, it would be good to be able to share the bills” type attitude

Is he actually asking you to move in or pointing out that you being there a lot without any contribution is costing him a lot? Do you split the cost of shopping?

Maybe you should just offer to help with the bills if you are there that often?

Tbh, it sounds like you’re making an issue out if nothing at all.

I can’t think of anyone I know who has exactly the same routine as their partner, they all just go to bed and get up at the time they need to.

I think you're overthinking things a little to be honest, having different schedules and routines isn't anything to worry about.

My DH and I work opposite shifts as we have a child, mine are flexible but his aren't, he has to go to bed at 10:30pm to be up 4:30am, I don't come home till 8:30pm, so we only have a couple of hours together in the evenings, he goes to bed at 10:30pm and I go to bed around 1am, I let the dogs out before I go to bed as they normally stay with me.

You must be experiencing this already with staying there most the time, you shouldn't be trying to force him to go to bed later or be flexible when he knows how much sleep he needs, you just have different bedtimes that's all, and he shouldn't be trying to get you to change your routine, you just have to find a way to fit into each others lives if you want to be together.

The napping thing is a little worrying though, I'd be wary that he's trying to change you to fit his schedule and routine, when really neither of you should want to change each other.

Imagine on a regular basis you get up for work in the morning but you are not allowed to go to the toilet for an hour or more. That’s what it is like for the dog, he needs out to toilet and in a flat that means a walk.

Any chance you can move into a house with a garden together? Then the dog can be let out to toilet early and be walked a bit later. It is the only way you can get a bit more flexibility with a dog.

So what time do you go to bed? Midnights a pretty late bedtime as it is. He can do whatever he likes with his pets round his shifts - you just need to decide if its compatible with what you want to do

He's telling you (rightly or wrongly) he's not going to change. Do with that what you will, but don't be surprised if you move in with him...and he doesn't change (regardless of if you contribute to the pets)

I doubt he wants his pets to become yours too. Most people want a partner to accept and love their pets, but don’t want a new partner (where things might break down) to start viewing themselves as a co-owner with similar claim etc.

It's not really about the pets is it.? You two are not compatible in your lifestyles. Dbf likes routine and sticking to a "healthy" routine and sleep pattern. He honours his responsibilities to his dependents... the pets.
This is a good trait. Not judging either of you.
You have different ideas and enjoy the flexibility of routine because you basically can.
You need to talk together before jumping into a house share. It's a tricky senario. He sounds a keeper.

I don't think a 12-8 sleep routine is unreasonable at all. And why do you need to get up or go to bed at the same time as him? I don't with my DH, and neither of us work shifts! Let him crack on with the dog walking and routine, there's nothing to say it's your routine too, you're a grown adult after all.

You can't rock up and change the established dogs routine because you're lazy (self proclaimed) and it doesn't appeal to you. Get a grip love 😂 You sound very immature and your bf sounds very mature and responsible. If you go in and start changing too much, his cat will be pissed too. I predict a mutiny from them.

Ugh. He's an adult with responsibilities

You don't want any

So move out (he will soon find someone else)

Dogs and cats need looking after - the fact you don't want to do the right thing by them only says volumes about you

You also keep on talking about shifts, are you talking about work shifts or him getting up in the morning? If you're on about getting up in the morning, that's not a shift it's just a normal wake up.

You're saying that he's being rigid but you also are as well. It doesn't matter if he wants to go to bed early, you don't have to, you can stay up and chill. He's said he's not expecting you to get up and walk the dogs so you don't have to get up with him in the morning.

it’s bedtime now, so I’m off to bed”

Are you saying you don’t want him to go to bed when he wants to?

Is he saying you have to go to bed when he does?

If neither of those things are the case, then I don’t really see the problem?

It sounds a bit too soon for you to be moving in with him though. Give it another year or two.

I never let anyone pay towards my pets. They are mine, I don’t want any confusion if we break up about them saying they are “our” pets and they should be able to continue to see them.

he doesn’t want you to pay for them, he doesn’t want their routine upset. He sounds sensible and responsible, and like he understands how to avoid conflict over ownership