Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

You have some very good advice here @LilacsLife

Your bf is a good responsible dog owner, you would have no respect for him if he wasn't.

You are clearly staying over at his far too much, and he needs you to contribute to the extra costs of this - the extra water for your showers, the extra heating as you are up so much later than him etc.
He also needs to be careful he doesn't become liable for 100% Council Tax as he is probably getting a discount being a single person.
etc. etc. etc.

and yes he would prob prefer to have a dog walker come in to walk the dog during the day as he had arranged, as you say
'he has people come in for the dog during work and if I’m there and he’s at work, I’ve said don’t do that and I’ll of course take the dog out for a walk and I do take him out for the toilet a couple times (the same as what he was paying someone for) and he has said he admits he would like it to be less random (I do it when I feel like it, I’m not setting alarms on my phone etc) but he is ok with that as it’s obviously my choice' - which is really selfish and immature of you btw

and ' he has asked if I’m up until 2am if I can take dog for a quick toilet break before bed as he won’t be properly asleep if I’m up moving about at that time and will naturally need a wee again vs if he was just asleep when he’s asleep and I have said I’m not really prepared to do that at 2am '

' but if we had a garden ' NO do not force him into a house move !!! he does not have a garden and he and the dog are managing fine !

I think one day your bf will be a good parent as he is good with routine and understands responsibilities.

but you and he are a long long long way away from that. and I very much doubt you will be parents together with each other.

'I always wanted pets but my parents never allowed ' I can see why, as your parents realised and knew that pet owning is full of grown up responsibilities.

Personally I would allow my bf to continue being a grown up adult with responsibilities, and I would not be moving in with him - you are at different stages of your lives despite being similar ages.

You’re being unreasonable for thinking you can change the dog’s routine or take it out “when you feel like it” and for thinking you can’t have different sleep schedules. If you move in, you’ll have to get on board with the dog’s routine. The dog lived there before you! It sounds like your BF is happy to do most of the dog care anyway, but he isn’t unreasonable to ask that you do the night wee if you’re staying up later or to walk it at set times if you’re home and he isn’t. It is also quite unreasonable to be round at his all the time and not contributing so I see his point!

I have dogs, and my boyfriend moved into my flat (they’re small dogs). He just accepted how we do things and it never occurred to me that he wouldn’t, tbh. We also have different work patterns and I’ve also got chronic fatigue and sometimes need to sleep all day. It’s not an issue, we just get on with our own lives and spent time together when our schedules align and at weekends.

Stay away. His dog and cat don't need someone who doesn't care for them utterly disrupting their lives. You can see him elsewhere. You're not contributing anything to their lives (and tbh I include the man in this).

I think he wants things to stay as they are and for you to pay your way instead of sponging off him or stay less. He's paying all the bills while you are laying around in bed and doing your own thing.

You are literally in the prime of your life. Don't even think about moving in with him. He has his life exactly how he wants it. Don't bend and twist yourself into an unnatural shape just to fit in with him.

I think if you were to live with someone more like you you would feel much more relieved and happy. I don't think you'll be happy with this man long-term.

On the basis of this, I wouldn't move in just yet, but see whether he'd be interested in looking at moving to a house with a garden in the near future.

If this was a man talking about moving in with a woman and wanting to change everything ,he'd get his arse handed to him on a plate and rightly so . I'm getting a bad feeling from these posts OP. Red flags are flying high and the bf needs to watch out.

You aren't compatible - or rather, you can't live in with a dog at this point in your life.

Your boyfriend is right, the dog will not settle properly if you're still up and will therefore want a 2am outing for a wee. The dog will also need to go out in the daytime at set times, not when it suits you, because that's what dog ownership involves.

You can't be all laid back and go with the flow when you live with a dog that needs routine and reliable daily rhythms. Dogs are almost as big a restriction on your time as children.

If you want to enjoy your unfettered, carefree, childfree adulthood, this is not the bloke for you. He has chosen a rigid routine and a pet that needs that sort of structure. Neither of you are making wrong choices, just incomnpatible ones.

He can't compromise because it puts the wellbeing of his dog at risk. So ultimately it's down to you whether you want to fit in with his and his pets' lives or not.

Reading between the lines, I think he wanted you to offer to make a financial contribution for being there so much of the time rather than necessarily moving in. That's fair, it will cost him more having you over frequently.

I'd not rush to move in, OP, without a good long think about how you really want to live.

Oh, and no, they won't become your shared pets. They'll still be his.

Sounds like you’re not going to be very compatible living together.

On one hand he sounds great and very responsible looking after his pets, but on the other hand, I’m with you…in your twenties why shouldn’t you be having lie-ins and staying up till 3am now and again having wild sex and deep chats and going out with mates, not sticking to a rigid schedule - this is the time in your life when you should be as free as possible!

Don’t move in. You’re incompatible. He will be irritated with you being in bed all the time and you will be irritated that he needs structure. I would say you’re the more unusual one. He sounds sensible and you’ll interpret that as boring. You do sound very young. Nothing wrong with that! But resentment can ruin a relationship.

You are right to be wary

As @sandyhappypeople says - it's his way or the highway.

You have to do what 'he' says as he couldn't possibly adapt to you.

His needs and requirements are more important and yes, I get he has pets but there's no give and take here. Just Take on his part.

He is showing you who he is - please listen.

It's only been a year - give it time and therefore wait to move in - time will show you what's best for you both. Best Wishes.

Also, your I do it when I feel like it *
is very selfish and you clearly have no regard for the dogs needs.
You've been asked several times if you chip in at his? maybe he's fed up
of a lazy freeloader.

I'm another who thinks his comment about splitting the bills might be a hint that as you're there all the time he'd like a contribution whether you move in or not. Do you cover some of the food bills at least if not something towards hot water etc?

There’s a few issues in your post.

You both have different routines regarding your shift work. He b prefers adhering to certain bedtimes, while you prefer naps. Neither is right or wrong.

It’s good you’re having ‘the money talk’ before moving in, and good he doesn’t expect you to pay the dog. You may not realise how much this all
Costs - insurance, food, Dogwalkers etc

Regarding the dog schedule, sone dogs prefer a routine. Again, he says he’ll take care of this, and you can do as much or little as you like .

Surely you must be aware of his routines after a year.

I anlso also you will be overthinking it a little. If you move in, you will find a rhythm that will work for you both,

You do sound lazy, naps, lying in bed until it's time for work, do you not do anything outside of work? exercise? hobbies?

But honestly, OP, this is entirely reasonable. If you want to stay at his flat and disturb his dog’s routine, then yeah - you probably have to do the final
wee, which involves a walk if it’s a flat.

I live in a house, and my dog is annoyed if I stay up too late. I totally need to let her out at 2am for a ‘final wee’ if that’s when I go to bed. She’ll be restless from 12 onwards, probably. If I go to bed at 11pm that’s her final wee. She adapts to me - dogs do that. So if you want to disturb i I s dog’s routine then get involved. If you don’t, go to bed when your BF does, or don’t stay over.

He's also said he's happy as he is so hardly his way or the highway. People are allowed to set a boundary just as op is allowed to not want it. They don't sound compatible

So he has his routine and you're not allowed yours. Fuck that. I think routine is good but I don't get to dictate when my partner goes to bed. It's very much his way or the highway and he's a bit overbearing. You also sound very stressed. Don't move in.

Just stay as you are, living separately but offer him some bills money. Decide which days you’ll stay over and commit to when you’ll walk the dog consistently, not when you feel like it. Help that isn’t reliable is no help at all.

In my experience, dogs do appreciate a routine but are adaptable. I'm naturally more of an early bird and would be up and about at 7 - 8am. My DH would naturally wake up at lunchtime/early afternoon. I compromise by getting up sometime before 9am and let the dogs out for a morning wee, DH lets them out for a last one about 1- 2am when he goes to bed. This time last year, DH was away for a few months so I was in bed by 11pm and up at 5-6am. The dogs don't really care as long as they get walks/toilet breaks regularly.

I guess it depends whether you feel strongly that you want to be up and to bed at the same time, or whether you are happy for each other to do their own thing. Personally I enjoy being up early on my own with a cuppa and out walking the dogs, but some couples would prefer to be doing everything together on the same schedule.

He sounds great, a responsible pet owner who knows his dogs needs and priorities them. He also has a mature take on bedtimes, looking after his own well-being with exercise too.

living together you’ll likely fall into a pattern. Maybe you’ll have breakfast together after he’s walked the dog first thing?

I'm getting bad vibes here OP, do you live with your parents at the moment or are you younger then him at all?

A word of warning, men who have lived on their own for a while can become very set it their ways, and think their way is the best way and any other way is unacceptable.. especially if you are moving into his house, with his set routines already well established.

While his routine sounds perfectly normal, he does sound like he has a big problem with the way you run your schedule.. he shouldn't be dictating when you 'should' go to bed or what time you 'should' get up or 'how productive' you should be in the morning(!), he shouldn't disapprove of you going for a nap.. so if you are getting side eye and frowny face for any of these things, then it's best not to move in at all.

He sounds like he's trying to 'teach' you how to conform.

The pets thing may be a big red herring.

etc. he has people come in for the dog during work and if I’m there and he’s at work, I’ve said don’t do that and I’ll of course take the dog out for a walk and I do take him out for the toilet a couple times (the same as what he was paying someone for) and he has said he admits he would like it to be less random (I do it when I feel like it, I’m not setting alarms on my phone etc) but he is ok with that as it’s obviously my choice

Oh noooo, that's not on at all! It's not your choice. You don't get to decide when the poor dog goes out. ""When you feel like it" You don't know anything about animals and it shows. Smh.