Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

It's this.
He's not fussed either way whether you move in- but as you said you're spending most of your time there and he's looking for you to make a financial contribution recognising that.

It's right that you don't have to subsidise his pets, or have a say in how he manages them. If you don't like how he lives then move on.

I noticed the other day how many people in their 20s in London seem to have pet dogs now. When I was in my 20s, I don’t remember ever coming across friends with dogs. We all wanted the freedom to go out, go away for weekends, travel, go to bars and restaurants etc. and just do plenty of stuff spontaneously.

A lot of people on here would love him because he sounds like them: very structured and responsible getting exasperated with what they see as their flakey, lazy partner. However, he sounds a bit rigid and controlling to me and he’s likely to get worse as he gets older. I would keep my independence for now and a wait a bit before moving in.

I wouldn't trust you with my animals. You fundamentally don't sound responsible enough to be caring for their needs. No one has to set an alarm to take a dog out but you don't sound like you are going to be responsible enough to consider the dog consistently. Within a couple of weeks there will be accidents in the house, the dog will be out of it's routine of not having the person caring for it coming in and that's where the arguments will start.

Just don't move in, grow up for a few years and re-consider then.

I think he sounds like a keeper and you’re several years behind him in maturity.

Sorry, I’m team BF here.

IMO it’s cruel to keep dogs in flats. But he genuinely sounds like he cares for his and wants it to go out as much as possible.

TBH if I was up I’d take the dog out quickly - it’s just a decent thing to do?

Ultimately, he’s prioritising his pets and their routine. You don’t want to. You can’t compromise on animal welfare. You’re not suited and this won’t work.

Separately, I also think if you’ve practically moved in and you’re not already contributing already (even just paying for your share of the food that I’m sure you’re eating, let alone bills) and he’s made a comment then he’s probably a bit frustrated.

if it were me I’d be less interested in the routine for the pets and more worried about the routine that might be imposed on me - I couldn’t get involved in being told about my bed time, no naps etc
How does he currently manage nights out, weekends away, holidays etc?
if it is a one bed flat it could be quite cramped.
if living with your parents works and allows you to save I’d say keep on doing that.
could it be more about a hint for a contribution to costs if you stay there a lot? Rather than a real wish to have you move in? He did sound quick to say split costs 50/50. Sounded more financial arrangements and not so romantic…

I really don’t get what the problem is 😂 he sounds like a good pet owner. Also what’s wrong with having a routine? Routine benefit people too.

There's a lot of potential for conflict if you move in with him
It doesn't sound like you're compatible

So it reads like he has a structured routine around work, pets, sleep and if you move in you will either have to follow his routine or do your own thing but potentially clash/have less quality time together.

Whilst dogs do need a routine and lots of opportunity to toilet so I understand why he wants that to continue it feels like it's more than that. Like his entire life is routined and he's not willing to adapt for you moving in. I also wouldn't want to take a dog out at 2am!

What about if you have children would you get a say in their routine or would everything need to be on his terms?
There are different types of parents some have a very structured routine for their children others are much more relaxed and in the moment it would be very hard to parent collaboratively if you are so different.

When you move in with someone you build a life together, that requires some adaptation/compromise on both parts to create something that works for you as a family . It sounds like only you would be doing that.

His suggestion you move in so you pay half isn't very thrilling either it sounds more practical than a desire to live with you.

I'd have a good think about whether you are compatible and what you feel he is bringing to your relationship. You could try a soft move in where you live there and contribute financially but not officially move everything out of your parents. You could see if being there 24/7 works better or raises issues.

How refreshing to read about someone who is being responsible for their pets and putting their welfare first.

You seem to want to barge in and interrupt and ruin all the good work and effort he has put in.

It's quite controlling to suggest that if you pay for half their upkeep the pets will become half yours and you can dictate changes to their schedule.

He is correct. You can’t move in and expect to change his well-established routines with the dog to suit you because you are (self admittedly) lazy and don’t want your downtime interrupted. I think he has made a realistic prediction of how tricky this could be, so if you aren’t prepared to get onboard with his way of doing things in relation to the pets, then I’d reconsider moving in right now.

Yeah, nah.

If you were in my house and you stay up all night keeping the dogs awake so they need the toilet at 2 or 3am, then thats you that takes them out and if there is no garden, thats you taking them for a walk.

If you were telling me 'no need to pay a dog walker, I'll take the dog out when I am home during the day' then I need to know you're taking the dog out when the DOG needs to go, not leaving the dog crossing his legs and in pain waiting for it to suit you.

It would also make it HARDER to retain a dog walker if their services are needed randomly, as and when, rather than on a routine, regular basis. So that actually would be less than helpful!

You're not ready to share the present flat, with this guy and his dog. The compromises here are yours to make, not his or the dogs. So either you're willing to do that, or you're not, but do not move in with him telling him you're willing, but secretly hoping you can get him to let things slide later on. That's a recipe for disaster!

Yabu about the pets and needing to go to the toilet. And no as a woman, I wouldn’t take a dog out at 2am. It sounds as though he doesn’t understand this isn’t very safe for a woman. But he is bu about naps. It sounds like you’re both trying to control the other in different ways. I wouldn’t move in together. There’s too much to iron out right now.

I also like to nap after an early but in his world naps aren’t allowed. Don’t get me wrong, he says I can if I really want to but that it’s just ruining our time together and how we function together at home… it’s just so stressful!

This is really controlling behaviour by him. How can he decree naps aren’t allowed?!

Coupled with the 8pm grandad bedtime, it all sounds miserable.

Do not move in with him, he just wants money for bills.

I have no opinion about the dog but to be it smells like red flags all round.

• move in with me to share bills..... sorry bur how bloody romantic?! Move in with someone who says I would love for us to live together, I'm so excited about starting our life together... etc.

• he sounds extremely rigid in his way of functioning and one dimensional. This will just get worse and worse with age, including in his outlook of life and the way you communicate & resolve conflict.

@LilacsLife if you are finding it so stressful before you have even officially moved in, I don't think it's going to get any better.
I think this discussion has revealed the fact that you two are fundamentally different people and not compatible. I am afraid feeling loved up is not enough to make a long term relationship work.
also OP in the nicest possible way, you have a little bit of maturing to do before moving in with anyone.... living with someone requires a lot of compromises and I am not sure you are ready to that. and that's OK. you are only in your 20s, so enjoy your life - growing up/responsibilities will come

Absolutely this.

Sorry OP, but you don't actually sound ready to be moving in with someone yet. It sounds like you're still enjoying the party life, while your boyfriend appears to have put that lifestyle aside for a more settled home life with his pets. I think in all honesty, that your best bet would be to continue living with your parents and continue saving hard while you're there. You can then see your boyfriend as and when it fits in with his routine, and your lifestyle, and the rest of the time be free to come and go as you like. Being a lot older than you, I recently had a chat with my granddaughter, about how difficult it is to get on the housing ladder these days, and we reached the conclusion that it's not only because house prices have gone mad, but also because so many younger people want to leave home as soon as they find a partner they enjoy being with, to set up home together. This immediately throws you into the life of paying rent and bills, with little, if any room for saving money for a deposit. When I was young, it was still not the 'done thing' to live together before you got married, so once you left education, you got a job, then, if you met someone who you wanted to be with for more than just the odd evening, you got engaged, and started saving up for your first home. All of this was done while still living under Mum & Dad's roof, and while you did pay over some of your earnings for bed and board, you still had plenty left over which you could either spend on going out having a good time, or save to get married and buy a house. Sorry, I know that all sounds a bit long winded, and off topic, but I just think you're not ready to 'settle down' yet, so spend this period of your life having fun and saving your money, it will give you a much better start in life, when you really are ready to settle down to routines, and bill paying , etc., and will also give you more time to find out if your boyfriend really IS the one for you, or just wants someone to help pay the bills!

I can stay in bed but he’s then on a completely different routine to me, he’s going to bed way earlier for the shifts than what I would, I also like to nap after an early but in his world naps aren’t allowed. Don’t get me wrong, he says I can if I really want to but that it’s just ruining our time together and how we function together at home…

I think the dog issue simply highlights the differences between you. I thought he was just a responsible dog owner until I got to the bit I've emphasised above. He's grudging about your nap but sees nothing wrong in going to bed at 8.00. Doesn't that ruin your time together too? Doesn't that affect how you function at home too? He seems to think that compromise is you doing and being exactly what he wants you to do/be.

Personally I think that if two people move in together there does need to be some compromise on both sides. He is making it very clear that he won't, and you don't want to either. However much you love him now, I don't see it being long before the cracks start to show.

<I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon>

Darling, do not do this. Stay single and solo. You'd just become a mum to him and his pets.

You're young enough. Take time to find out what you want from life. Follow your own dream, not someone else's.

I don’t think you should move in as you sound like two very different people.

I’m a night owl and always have been, I’ve always worked nights or late shifts and go to bed late and get up late. I used to work 50-60 hour weeks but people still thought I was lazy because I was asleep in bed in the afternoon- despite the fact I’d finished work at 8am, walked home, had a shower, relaxed for a few hours and was going to bed at 10-11am.

I had relationships with men who were totally different and worked day shifts and got frustrated because I wouldn’t go to bed at 10pm on my nights off and liked to relax in bed reading from 6pm-7pm before I did a 12 hour night shift.

I did my housework, went to the gym, saw friends and was far more active then these ex boyfriends but we just didn’t have compatible lifestyles.

Most of my friends worked nights so I had an active social life but we were just back to front from everyone else!

When I met my DP over 10 years ago we clicked straight away because he was a night owl, we used to go grocery shopping at 2am and have friends round at midnight. We were in our late 20’s and had responsibilities but no kids so no routine.
Everything was care free and easy and no judgement.

We don’t work nights anymore but both still like to stay up late and get up late, if we didn’t we wouldn’t see each other and I love our late nights together. We also love a good nap and if I ever felt disapproval for that I would not be happy!

If your DP isn’t that bothered about you moving in and seems this judgemental about your lifestyle it won’t work, I imagine he’ll try to change you.
NOW is the time to be lazy if you want kids in future! As long as you are doing the responsible adult stuff too then it’s fine. Who do you have to answer to honestly?

I agree with pp the pets are a red herring, if you are happy together as it is then don’t move in together and give it more time to see if either of you can meet in the middle. If you were both totally crazy about each other then trust me you’d both find a way to make it work.

This.

This is how it starts, you can only be told you're doing things wrong so many times before you start to believe them, from what you're saying it does sound like he thinks he can wear you down to his 'superior' way of going on.

To be honest you remind me of me when I met my DH, I used to be a night owl who loves my sleep and press my snooze 10 times before getting up for work 20 mins before I had to leave (or I used to be before having a child.. those days are long gone now!), and my DH is still an early riser who only needs about 5-6 hours to be fresh as a daisy, and is also quite rigid about his routine. I moved into his house and we both had our own pets, one thing he has never ever done is tried to make me conform to his schedule, or change me in any way, I lived on my own for 8 years and would never have moved in with him if I thought he would be unhappy with the way I do things, in turn I have never wanted him to change, we both do things in different ways and accept each other for who we are as people. When I used to stay there before we lived together it felt like 'home' and that was all I needed to agree to move in, I've never doubted it or regretted it for a second.

The person you can call home won't want you to change who you are and how you do things, they won't make you feel bad, or question yourself and they certainly won't treat you like a child that needs to be taught the 'right' way to do things, you may have teething problems to work out, but fundamentally they should love you for who you are, not who you could be with the right guidance.

It doesn't sound like you are very compatible.

I would defintely not move in together. You are already bickering and you don't live there. Plus any suggestion of moving in together for the sake of the bills has disaster written all over it.