Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

Kooky999 · 23/04/2024 20:36

So dogs do thrive on routine. So if he has a set routine with them, I would stick with that. I have worked with dogs in rescue and commercial boarding and we do things at same time every day as they thrive on routine. Messing with feeding , walking times if they are not used to it can cause issues.
when I moved in with my partner my dogs came too obviously. They are still
my dogs , but he joins me on walks if he is home. And we take them out together at weekends. If I’m out the dogs are fine with him. But they definately respond better to me as they have been with me longer than he and I have been together.

No1toldmeaboutit · 22/04/2024 12:39

What a waffly post, you sound like a child.

Nutmeg1204 · 22/04/2024 07:11

Oh my god no adult gets to live care free.

most adults have bills, a house/flat, careers, themselves and a relationship and friendships to nurture

life takes work, you sound quite immature still and I suggest you get used to a few routines and responsibilities far in advance of having children so it’s not such a shock

routine can make life way easier!!

im also against anyone that says they love the pets but don’t want to look after them properly

Bluebellsparklypant · 21/04/2024 20:09

“if you’re here most the time anyway, it would be good to be able to share the bills” type attitude”

maybe not the most romanic way to discuss moving in is it. I think there has to be more to it than just sharing bills. You are young and if you don’t fancy that level of responsibility don’t blame you. I’d find it hard either side of this if I liked my routine and my partner didn’t or I didn’t like routine and my partner did either way too stressful for me personally, but I say that after years of living with someone & being driven mad by being opposites. There’s no rush see how the next 6 months/ year goes maybe. I think with anything you know in your heart of hearts what’s best for you It’s your life.

CrappySack · 21/04/2024 18:59

LilacsLife · 17/04/2024 23:09

Yes!!! Part of me then starts thinking the worse and I snap myself out of it telling myself it’s me (and agree with the people saying it’s a me issue and why it’s a me issue) but this is how I feel sometimes, that he thinks he has to “teach” me and that he’s basically trying to get me to conform to this life or he wont be happy with me. Especially when he makes it clear he was also happy alone. I’ve been with my parents a while after I moved out my room share and he was also very quick to constantly tell me how living in your own place is very different and that I wont fully understand if I’ve been with my parents a lot but that he can “help me to understand” type thing which I think is making it all so much worse. I’m not much younger, he’s only 2 years older but I do feel like I haven’t had as much life experience as I have been heavily saving while he has obviously put that money into a much more stereotypical adult lifestyle

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Offering to 'help you understand' and teach you. What a condescending twat!

Don't you want to be with someone who thinks you're great and can't wait to live with you, rather that someone who wants to try and mould you into whatever they think a grown up is and isn't that bothered about living together (apart from getting half his bills paid).

He sounds like a dud.

CrappySack · 21/04/2024 18:55

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/04/2024 11:35

Hi Lilacs. Sorry no time to read full thread but I've read your messages. What struck me was this.

"in his world, naps aren't allowed"

He's really calling all the shots isn't he. He sounds more like your supervisor than your boyfriend. The things he's said to you that he's quoted reek of disapproval. I note a few posters have said its because he's an adult and you are still not yada yada yada. He's not your blooming boss and whilst he may congratulate himself on his amazing time management and seriously disapprove of yours, doesn't necessarily mean he's right.
You are much much lower in the pecking order in this relationship and I think its far too early to move in with someone who makes you feel like that. Particularly if you've found it hurtful to hear him say he could be quite content without you being there but it would be great if you moved in and split the bills 50 50.
But from the sound of things, it doesn't sound like you'd have equal voting rights if you did.
He's made it clear that YOU are moving into HIS place and that you must conform to his rules. You've also said that you have substantial savings. What would the basis of you moving in be, does he rent? or pay a mortgage? Make sure you think about the financial side carefully and protect yourself if you do move in.

So moving on to the things he disapproves of. If I was leaving the house at 5 am in the morning, I'd damn well want a nap when I got home, so I could enjoy the evening. If that's what you need to do to prepare for the next shift, that's what you should do. You are in your early 20s, you don't have any particular responsibilities or children. He's made it clear the pets are his.

"he says I can if I really want to but that it’s just ruining our time together and how we function together at home"

That is complete guilt tripping - you are "ruining" your time together? But his strict timetable and inflexible routines are perfectly fine. There doesn't seem to be much room for compromise here. No give or take, its his way or the highway and he's already said he'd be fine if you didn't move in.

The reality of this is that you are both shift workers, often on different schedules. Somehow his way of sorting this out is Ok and yours is not. I imagine that being a shift worker you have to organise your life around shifts in a way that suits you- if you need a lie in before starting work at 11 if you've had a series of 5.00 am starts, then you should be able to have it and not feel guilt about it.

You mention several times that you are "lazy", presumably because of the naps. Did you consider yourself lazy before, or was this only since he started telling you off about taking time out to relax from what sounds like a busy and varied work routine. Is it a fair comment or Is it in fact his description of you?

Whatever character traits you find rankle with you now will more than double if you move in, so maybe you should take your time with this. Its a big decision and you have several issues to sort out with him before you do. He's not the boss of you - yet.

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I agree with this. There's definitely some alarm bells ringing with his disapproval, saying you can have naps if you really want to (who the heck does he think he is!) and offer to 'teach you' 🤮

I would put the brakes on this one OP.

BrickPombear · 21/04/2024 18:38

Why does his bedtime or wake up time effect you? You don't have to do everything he does, if he goes to bed at midnight that doesn't mean you have too and if he is up to walk the dog at 8am that doesn't mean you have to get up as well. How does it work when you stay over now? And no I don't think you should pay for his pets just so you feel you can control their routine- especially toilet brakes you will definitely live to regret trying to disrupt that one 😆. It sounds like you are over thinking it all a bit unless you are unhappy with things when you are already staying over.

Waltwaky · 21/04/2024 18:33

Kazzybingbong · 21/04/2024 17:21

Is he autistic? If so, change to routine can be incredibly stressful.

... Seriously. They live in a flat and his dog needs a wee at certain times like he's done for the last 7 years of his lifetime. He doesn't find it stressful to change, he doesn't want to change and has said he isn't going to because he has no reason to.

And yes, Im very familiar with autism but it's not a catch all on every thread

bundle · 21/04/2024 18:33

Run. For. The. Hills.

DecoratingDiva · 21/04/2024 18:20

It really sounds like you want both want to live slightly different lifestyles so living together may not be the right choice.

A friend of mine has an odd but fixed shift pattern & shared childcare arrangements. He always lays it out for a new girlfriend that these cannot & will not change but the girlfriend always thinks things will change. Consequently he goes through a lot of girlfriends.

The latest one has lasted a few months and thinks she will be moving in soon, she won’t!

Kazzybingbong · 21/04/2024 17:21

Is he autistic? If so, change to routine can be incredibly stressful.

Silverfoxette · 21/04/2024 13:20

I wouldn’t move in with him, sounds like you’re incompatible to be honest.

Teenagehorrorbag · 20/04/2024 22:59

I don't think it's about who is responsible, but you may have a real issue with routines.

Dh and I were similar at first - I used to get up early to catch a train for work, and we'd probably go to bed 10 ish, or midnight at the latest. The we had DCs and I became a SAHM so things changed, and now they are teenagers I enjoy a late night reading my book and/or a lie in whenever I can.

DH still gets up at 6.15, comes home tired and likes an early night.

We are a bit out of sync - but it's not a big deal. Just try it and see how things pan out!

Good luck!

lemming40 · 20/04/2024 15:10

This relationship isn't going to work long term. Might as well end it now.

Angrywife · 20/04/2024 13:08

Think you're over thinking it.
30+ years together and we've never done the synchronised bedtime, get up time thing. That to me is odd.

I like to stay up late, and sleep in late. He is up with the lark, he doesn't need me by his side all morning and I don't need him with me late evening when he's in bed.

If you want to be with someone, you find work arounds, you do what fits, you compromise.

noodlebugz · 20/04/2024 04:35

I think for a dog in a flat your BF is right. And if you broke up they’d be his pets. So have a lie in and let him walk the dog if that’s his routine 😛

meeraraj · 20/04/2024 03:06

Hi there,

You are NOT being unreasonable, only worried.

TBH, this may be a wrong forum as well. Most of us are mothers and appreciate men who understand routine, having lived with men of the other kind for far too long ;)

I totally understand, though. The pets are but a symptom of the deeper things, as you likely know. A word of advice: Let the man and his pets be; don't get involved. He has a good thing going and you get to play with them without the work. You don't get a seat at the table simply by paying half.

While saying that, I feel you. My DH is the same. Thinks my lifestyle isn't great (I am lazy, can't get my exercise routine done, etc.) and maybe little suggestions here and there but largely lets me be. I don't care too much; I think he's too rigid too, and have expressed that. But then we're in our 40s and evolved differently. Now we have about two hours where we are together. Works for us.

If you want to be with him, you'll have to be supremely confident and find schedules that work. It's a lot of work and battling your inner self, TBH.

It's not worth it. As many have said here, you may become like him later, but then, you may not!

Borrowedtime · 20/04/2024 01:02

Partners living together both need to give and take. This sounds as if he isn't planning to make any adjustments to accommodate what you need and want. He needs to realise that it would become your home too and you should have a say in things. I wouldn't be moving in to his place if he is so set in his ways. I'd be suggesting starting afresh together in a new place, but maybe that's for the future.

OldPerson · 19/04/2024 21:43

You can't change other people.

He evolved his life routines to work for him. The dog is his dog. Sp don't get involved. Because take it as read - the human/dog relationship is sacred. He doesn't want your money and he doesn't want your interference.

But I don't understand, if he's always managed his own dog, why you moving in is a problem for dog walks?

Equally, he can't change you.

You're always going to be a lie in bed sort of person. And happy doing it.

Personally the fact that he's so organised, caring and responsible for his dog and cat, makes him sound like a very decent guy - and good dad material.

You realise right, that children need to get up early, get dressed and ready for school? And the better the daily routine, generally speaking, the happier, more confident and more well-behaved the children.

So just focus on the important stuff, like keeping the home environment as you would both like it and enjoying spending more time together.

If living together doesn't work out or make you happy, chalk it up to experience and move on.

Whatinthedoopla · 19/04/2024 21:23

Only because you want to pay for things, it does not mean that the dog and cat have to suffer. As with kids, they need to have a routine. If you want to have children, start getting used to doing things you don't want to do, like going for walks at times you don't want to. This will show how to look after pets and children, and strengthen your relationship

Stardustmoon · 19/04/2024 21:17

Generally don't understand the problem here. You want to lay in, he doesn't. You move in together and he can continue his routine. Lots of people like to go to bed at the same every night. You are making this a problem when it doesn't have to be. He says night. You stay up. YABU to expect him.to stay up because you don't want to go to bed.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 19/04/2024 20:31

Dogs in flats need to be walked/let out regularly. Otherwise they get stressed and behave poorly, destroy things, bark, ruin furniture and flooring toileting inside etc. You don’t have to do it but and trying to stop him going to bed when he wants and meeting his dogs needs is awful frankly. He sounds lovely, responsible and considerate. You sound selfish and needy. Also it’s nothing to do with the cat.

GoldEagle · 19/04/2024 19:53

Let him take care of the dog, he knows it's routine.

RetirementIsGreat · 19/04/2024 19:45

HoppingPavlova · 19/04/2024 18:38

@RetirementIsGreat Why would you move in with a guy that just wants to share the bills? I would only move in if he says he loves you and wants to be with you all the time. Sharing the bills is more like moving in with a friend

Not sure it’s that he ‘just wants to share bills’. By OP’s admission she is there pretty much full-time and pays no rent or bills. She contributes to food. If this were reversed and she was a man doing this, she would have 100% of Mumsnet telling her to get rid of the cocklodger. So, a female version essentially, staying virtually full-time and not paying her way. The boyfriend is wise to this and has basically said as she is there full-time anyway, how about actually paying fair share of rent/bills which is not unreasonable.

Ok I get you now. I took it the wrong way. You're right.

pineapplecrushed · 19/04/2024 19:33

LilacsLife · 17/04/2024 22:26

I have a few questions actually and I am hoping to cover them on this one thread! I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon (we have been doing it where I’m staying basically full time, so he did express to me that he thinks it would just be best I move in and can then officially split things 50/50). He has a dog and cat and has told me I absolutely don’t need to contribute money towards them, but that he then wants to be able to stick to his schedules with things, he is quite strict with stuff like bedtime and when he goes to bed and does walks and stuff, simply so the dog stays in a routine (he lives in a flat so there’s a few walks for a toilet break) and there’s one before bed, so he has set bedtimes for set shifts and things. It feels quite a lot (we are late 20s, I will add) and we are obviously child-free atm so don’t really want so much structure, I’ve said like can we just relax on that and he says if we do, the dog’s behaviour can be unpredictable with being too hyper or having accidents (if routines aren’t followed) I love his pets and do want them to become mine too and for me to be able to have an equal say in stuff and I said if I can, I’ll of course then contribute to half the costs of them, he says he admits it might be hard to do that as he has had his dog 7 years and knows what’s best for him and would find it hard for me to now come in with a bunch of different ideas and change things up, which is why he says he would never expect me to pay for them. What’s the general opinion on this anyway? Do people split pet costs if they move in with partners that have pets? Like, I have no idea what is even acceptable with that, regardless of this specific situation. I admit I am quite lazy and around full time work I don’t want to be setting my alarm if I’m on a late shift and having to work until the late evening but he will usually still have his bedtime of about midnight and get up at 8! I personally like to relax in bed most the morning until I’m due to get up for work or maybe get up an hour before to do some jobs, I don’t want to be up and out with the dog at 8am, he says I don’t have to be out with the dog but he thinks it’s going to be hard if he is going to bed at say midnight or even 8pm for early shifts (we both do shift work, but are usually on the same, it’s specific shifts hence he has his routines) and then I do completely different and I do agree… is this just a case of us not being compatible? It hurts my heart to think that as I love him loads and he actually makes me really happy and I love his dog and cat, I always wanted pets but my parents never allowed (I moved back in with them to save) so I do genuinely really love his, etc. but I am just a lot less structured and as I have admitted before… lazy lol. So does this then not work? He has said he will stick with his routines with his dog/cat (mainly the dog) around his shifts and I am more than welcome to do what I want that works best for me but that he would obviously like it to align with his the best it can but then I feel I have to do what he does vs what I do because of the dog so not much compromise? My friends and other relatives have had dogs and from my understanding it’s never needed to seem so rigid. I don’t know, feeling a bit deflated and have no idea who to ask on what’s fair

I hate to say it but you are coming across as immature. He is right that he needs to stick to the routine with his dog, especially with living in a flat.