i don’t have a major issue with my stepmother but I’m not close to her and never have been. When we were kids there was never any effort to integrate us, ie no family days out or time spent together. I would visit my dad and my stepmother would be elsewhere, focusing on her children perhaps. Efforts weren’t made to be close to us at any point. Now for some reason, possibly because her children have grown up, moved away and are more distanced from her, there are attempts (by my dad) to integrate us. For example, she appeared unexpectedly at my sisters birthday meal recently when she has never previously come along to our birthday meals. We’ve never once been invited to my stepmothers birthday meal, assuming she has one. My dad formed a family unit with my stepmother and her children. Me and my sister would visit my dad, but weren’t integrated into a cohesive family unit.
I have recently moved to a new house with my partner and would like to invite my dad over to visit, and to stay for food. Would it be unreasonable to invite him and not my stepmother, as I would feel more comfortable with just my dad in my house?
If the tables were turned I would like my partner to come along with me to my dad’s house so I suspect I am being unreasonable. It was a lot easier when there was acceptance of distance, but recently my dad wants us to all be closer and wants to include her. I find my stepmother a bit judgy and not very chill to be around. So it makes me hesitant to invite my dad over as a consequence as my home is my safe place.
YABU - she is your father’s wife so you need to accept her presence when you invite your dad over for dinner.
YANBU - he’s your dad and it’s fair enough to request his presence without his wife needing to come along.
fwiw I do also see my dad separately, for example we will go for a coffee or quick lunch once a month.