To leave if DH won’t get help

By all means, leave the bastard. Don't even hesitate about it. If it is not for you, do it for your kids.

@MissisK thanks, I'm fine, AlAnon helped me to detach. I have many regrets about not doing so earlier for the kids. It's been very hard for them.

I'm the child of an alcoholic father and a mother who was very much as you describe yourself: hoping for change, believing change can happen; thinking that the children are doing ok on the whole; worrying that leaving could cause more problems than it solves.

All I can tell you is that my whole childhood was defined by my father's alcoholism and my mother's enablement of it. Neither of them are bad people. They're both flawed individuals doing the best they can with the cards they were dealt, and I can see that now, so I make no judgement in that respect, but my siblings and I have been profoundly affected by growing up in that environment.

You are propping him up at the moment. While you're doing that, he will never change. Please don't think that you can help/guide/support him to make a change, because you're throwing your time and your energy and your faith down the drain. An addict won't (can't) change while they have someone standing between them and stark reality. Choose yourself and your children, and cut him loose to sink or swim.

There are four people in this mess, why does one deserve more than the three? They are all equally deserving of love.
The alcoholic doesn’t love anybody, the mother needs to separate her love for her husband from her love for herself and her children and get the three of them out of there.
The alcoholic may or may not kill himself, it’s his choice and his alone.

Op get some therapeutic help to sort out your conflicting loyalties, your children and you need a break from this energy drain. Sending hugs.

This is the second thread tonight where I'm advising you OP to leave for the sake of your children. They don't deserve to live in a house where they're constantly walking on eggshells. You can't help your DH only he can do that and only when (if) he's ready. You can help your children by getting them out of that toxic environment and getting them the help and support they need.

How about you love your kids more? I think their need to live in a healthy environment is far more important than whatever kind of love you have for this man. Your kids have suffered enough.

Some alcoholics never see sense, they say that they have to hit rock bottom before they can see the light and want to get better.

please leave before he drags you and the kids down , my sibling and his wife have no contact with their adult children now because of the issues of alcohol. It’s affected the full family.

I totally agree with this and I've seen people turn it around for themselves. But they have to want to do it for themselves and be ready to accept support.

It's not your job to fix this for your dh, you couldn't even if you tried. It has to come from him and op if it's affecting you all to the point he's having mood swings and you're all walking on egg shells round him, then maybe you support him but with distance in a way that isn't affecting your children and in a way that's manageable for your mental health. Just because you love him, and just because he's got an addiction doesn't mean you have to stay and it doesn't mean your kids need to grow up thinking this is normal. It sounds like your dh is continuing the cycle that his dad was caught up in too. Its important you're honest with your children as they are more likely to suffer from addiction, growing up with a parent who suffers from addiction. If they know about and understand it, then they can probably have a clearer relationship with their dad and better protect themselves. Op if they don't understand he's an alcoholic, then when he's angry or unfair they might think that's their fault.

If it were me, I'd be telling dh that unless he's willing to get help then he needs to move out because it's impacting the kids. I'd tell him that you'll give him all the support in the world but you can't continue living in the same house and walking on egg shells while he does nothing to change the problem. I'd tell him you'd like both of you to get some support and guidance on how to talk to your children about it so they understand what's happening and can protect themselves from alcoholism in the future. I'd also get support for yourself independently op, there's services out there that affect families of those affected by alcoholism.

I also think it would help you identify what is potentially domestic abuse and what is a result of the alcohol because sometimes abuse is put down to alcohol when actually it's intentional.

If you said to him that he has to come with you to the GP, that he has to attend meetings and he has to give you his bank cards so he can’t buy booze, would he do it? I would give him a deadline for those things to happen and mean it. Or I’d leave

OP can’t love the alcoholism out of him, or be put in the position where he might stop if only she love him more (I.e. sacrifice more of her life in the altar of his addiction)
His choice to drink or not will be made by him, on his own timescale, and insinuating she has some role in that as a way to get her to give up even more of her life to someone else’s alcoholism is quite frankly, brazen.

My advice to OP is to start salvaging her own life. She can’t salvage his, he doesn’t want that. If he’s so special he’ll understand and thank her for protecting his kids from it once he’s stopped.
It’s all well and good to talk about his rock bottom (assuming it even exists), but I would encourage OP to think about her own rock bottom and what would have to happen before she would know it was time to be out of there.

Living with an alcoholic puts children at risk of addiction themselves. Think about that.

Then add in the moods, the walking on eggshells and the sheer amount of money this must be costing - is that what you want for the rest of your life?

I had one of these. For me the last straw was finding empty bottles of rum in the bedroom when he had promised no more secret drinking. Little secret: rock bottom isn't about the alcoholic, it's about you and the moment you know in your heart you can't live with it any more.

I put up with it for almost 7 years. Far too long. My children were deeply affected. In the end it all came crashing down, the police were involved, he moved out and died 8 months later, still drinking. That was almost 6 years ago.

Life without him was unimaginably better. Start planning your exit - you can't save him, only yourself and your teens.

There's a long running support thread on the Alcohol board that you might find useful - I'm on it, and so are lots of women in exactly the same boat as you. Several have left. You will find a safe place there.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=24&reply=134611898

Get yourself to AlAnon and over to the alcohol support board. I lost DH to cirrhosis last year. He was a functioning alcoholic for many years then lockdown hit. Please put yourself first.

He probably won’t agree to get treatment until he hits rock bottom. Put your children first, and yourself. Do you have any family support?

Many years ago, I worked in an alcohol and drug detox unit. My experience was that the dependent person had to want to stop their habit AND get treatment for it.

Currently, your husband is not able or willing to change his behaviour in respect of his alcohol addiction. Without that, I doubt that he will be able to change.
Have you talked to your children about your husband's behaviour? Is it affecting their mental state and/or educational capacity?
What do you think would happen if you told him that you would consider leaving him, and taking the children with you if he didn't seek medical help?

This is terrible advice, sorry

I'm sorry but that is not good advice. no person is a lost cause but the OP doesn't owe her husband a life where she and her children are at the mercy of his mood swings, him being grumpy and angry. No matter what the cause of it all.

And there is a strong argument that if she loved him enough she'd leave him in the hope that it would bring him to his senses - this is no life for him either. so saying "it depends how much you love him" is just plain wrong.

Sorry OP, but you said this has been going on for years. What is realistically going to change now after all this time? He's had years to seek help and he hasn't.

If I were you I'd stop worrying about his alcholism and whether it is a disease or not. That isn't really the point.

The point is you and your 2 children are walking on eggshells, worrying about his moods. Your home life is horrible and it doesn't really matter whether it is caused by the alcohol or his personality.

I think if I were you I'd decide whether I wanted to live like this or not. If my children should live like this or not. Don't give ultimatums. Don't link your marriage to his drinking or not drinking. Decide what you want for yourself.

I think you know what you need to do.

It depends how much you love him.
Not all alcoholics are a lost cause.