To leave if DH won’t get help

I feel huge sympathy for you both op. Alcoholism is usually a symptom of something deeper that someone can’t face. And sorry to say, you are much more than a “nag” in the sense that you have been put in the unfortunate position where you are unintentionally providing him with a structure within which he can appear as though he is functioning more normally than he actually is.

His workmates probably know more than you think though, as do other family members besides his mother and his friends. No one will blame you for leaving and protecting your dc.

He has every reason to give up drinking, he is just choosing to push those reasons away out of his conscience currently.

No one can change anyone else op. It’s a waste of energy trying. He needs to take care of himself. Your dh is responsible for his own happiness; you are not responsible for his depression.

It sounds like you have given him multiple ultimatums already.

I would pack his bags and tell him is moving out. Tell. Him that you had enough of his drinking, his bad moods when he is hungover and the fact he is making the your and his kids lives miserable. Tell him I waited years for you to change but you still sitting here drinking.
I ring his friends and tell them why you have finally kicked him out because I guarantee they know that he is drinking.
What happens if he gets into a car the next morning still over the limit & is stopped by the police? How would he feel if he has an accident that killed some because he was drunk?

I know that this won't be easy but why should you and your kids lives be miserable due to him and his drinking. Your kids are teenagers and have to get through GCSE, a levels and don't need tension in their home then. They deserve to have a few happy years before they go to university or other further training after school.

Haven't read everything but I echo it's time to go. Why stay? He is choosing alcohol over you and your family. If he doesn't think it's a big deal he's nowhere near quitting or even considering it. And even if he does, statistically he will not remain sober long term. My ex died at 41 of alcoholism. A relationship with an alcoholic isn't a normal, safe, happy or stable one.

your kids will be so damaged by this. Show them that prioritising health and happiness is more important than tiptoeing around the needs of a man who isn't remotely interesting in the needs of his partner or family.

Because drinking is the most important drive for him there will be a part of him that is glad of the excuse to hit the bottle hard - to feel sorry for himself and drown his sorrows.

He doesn't seem interested in getting help or stopping - but if he is could he attend AA if he doesn't want to see his GP?

It sounds like he's aware that his drinking is a problem but he's not willing to get help to try and stop. You can't control or influence what he does, you can only decide for yourself what you want to do. I would not be willing to live the way you live, with constant worry and walking on eggshells around him. Nor should your children have to live like this. You can contact Al-Anon UK for support (families of alcoholics) but I would think seriously about how much of your life you're willing to put on hold while waiting/hoping for his behaviour to change?

@MissisK would it motivate you more to leave if the chance of your children following their father and grandfathers steps in alcoholism increases with every year you stayed?

because that’s the reality.

Children know and see more then you realise.

He has an addiction and isn’t yet in a place to accept help or take steps to give up.

You have to take the steps to protect yourself and your well being so you can continue being an awesome mum.

Stop hiding his addiction. Stop covering for him.

Your Husband isnt putting you guys first, dont make the same mistake with your children. You cant help him unless he wants help but you can help your children and stop them being subjected to this.

He can then make the decision to clean himself up and repair the relationship but dont wait around for him to come to this conclusion by himself, because in the mean time your children will suffer.

If not for yourself, please do something for them.

Would it help you to look at it like this:

Nothing is going to change unless something happens.

If you leave, you are helping him to see the consequences and give him a better chance of hitting his rock bottom and admitting he's got a problem.

Until he admits this, he won't get help.

You staying is actually keeping him from getting the help he needs as he can kid himself everything's fine.

Your best chance of helping him is to leave.

You're making the mistake of believing he cares enough about you or the kids or himself to change.

You need to understand that there is nothing you can do or say that can control or cure his addiction; nothing matters to him except drinking.

Save yourself and your children. You have it in your power to do this. Don't waste your life and theirs engaging in the games the addict is playing.

The best time to leave is ASAP.

Then sort out your feelings later at Al Anon.

What you're experiencing is codependency and it is as harmful to the children along for the ride as the addiction.

I was in a very similar situation and it took me a long time to finally end the relationship. When we were together he'd blame his drinking on my nagging. Leaving is incredibly hard but not having to walk on eggshells or deal with drunken or hungover rants makes it totally worthwhile. It way better for the kids too.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, sounds like you are doing your best at the moment but this isn’t a good or healthy way to live. The resentment will only build then it is difficult to find a way back.

It is very scary to make that move and make the change if you do end up leaving but it’s time for you to be selfish now, for you and the kids. Think about what you want and need and start making the moves to make it happen, whether that’s issuing an ultimatum first such as him seeking help, or deciding you are leaving and looking into your living situation and how that will work and giving yourself a timeframe to leave.

I haven’t experienced life with an alcoholic but as previous posters have said you may find it such a relief if you do leave and be free from that resentment and treading on eggshells all the time. It doesn’t sound like much of a life. I’ve been in a similar situation (minus the alcohol problem) and I just feel I wasted so much time.

Alcoholics are selfish and like the comfort. You are the comfort.
You and your children pay for his comfort.

Alcoholism might be an illness. However, it is more complicated and it is more about social politics than anything else, some advocates to treat stabbings with the same approach. I may agree I may not but as I said it is not important on individual basis.

In your individual case it should be about your comfort and comfort of your children. time you spend on management of his alcoholism is a time stolen from yourself and your children. How you and your children are supposed to make friends, have social lives? I bet they never invite friends. He was so stressed he had to drink, aren't you stressed all the time? What would have happened if you would be so selfish? No one would be so understanding.

@MissisK Go to Al-Anon before making decisions. It's the sister fellowship of A.A. for family members and friends who have someone in their lives where alcohol is a problem.

He may be functioning in one sense. However, he isn't functioning as he is a problem for you all. His drinking is affecting you all.

Yes I've experience of this. Here's the link to Al-Anon. Please at least look at the website. There are meetings in person and online.

al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/

He’s an addict. Our brains aren’t wired like other peoples. It may not be his fault he became addicted - but it is his responsibility to address it now. Not yours.

I'd leave or ask him to leave, life's too short to waste it on someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

Surely you love your children more than him? Leave and give them a chance of not having their lives fucked up permanently by their dad. You need to understand the damage he’s doing to them, you say yourself they’re already walking on eggshells. That’s extremely dangerous for a developing mind, and will make them so vulnerable in their future relationships.

I’m forever grateful that my husband stayed with me, admittedly I was still “functioning” now nearly 3 years sober (albeit the functioning alcoholic is a myth I now know but that’s another story) however what you have to decide is what you can cope with. There’s nothing you can do about his addiction. He needs to sort that. The question is whether it’s tolerable enough for you to keep living like this. If not, you should leave x

You said you had found hidden empties before, do you think he is actually drinking one beer and one bottle of wine a night or could he be drinking more? How strong is the wine he drinks?

I am sorry this sounds a really tough situation for you and I understand why you are torn, but ultimately are you happy? Do you want this for the next year, 5 years, 10 years? Doesn’t sound like he’s committed to change at the moment.

Im in the fun situation of being stuck with my now essentially disabled H OP. He had a stroke last summer. Because hes an alcoholic basically. He is physically mostly able but mentally his brain is shot. No short term memory. He gets confused. Forgets to eat, take his tablets etc. Gets lost in what should be familiar places. But he is too young and too able for assisted living. So. We are where we are. We are separated ( I lost my shit when he came out of hospital after a month and I caught him drinking on a park bench) but we cannot part ways. Someone has to care for him. Like I said. Fun. 🙄 Dont let that be you.

Sorry @MissisK I didn't mean to imply I'd advised you twice. The other thread was a different poster and situation.

This is such a difficult situation. I really feel for you as it seems you have some difficult decisions ahead. Just wanting to wish you all the best for your family x