To leave if DH won’t get help

good luck OP. I don't want to scare you but this kind of trauma repeats in cycles for generations afterwards. Getting out is the best thing you can do for your DC.

This takes me back to the point when the penny finally dropped that I needed to leave my ex. It's terrifying, and the feeling of guilt and responsibility is enormous. It's a big thing to take on and I'm not going to sugar coat the fact you will probably be facing a rough few months.

But I promise you, no bullshit and no rose-tinted specs, that you will look back and thank yourself for ending this marriage. I did this nearly 10 years ago now and there still isn't a day that goes by when I don't say a little prayer of thanks to myself. My life got better exponentially in literally every way. My career improved, my relationship with my daughter improved. My social life came back. I'm even wealthier. Even if none of those things were true it would just be the relief of no longer having to endlessly check him, check how much he was drinking, guard against his moods. It's so liberating.

Give yourself and your children that gift. I guarantee you won't regret it.

Sounds like you’re making a good choice here. Remember, it is his doing why you can’t be together, not yours. You’ve tried and he won’t change. To be honest, is he still the same person? Are you clinging to how he and the relationship used to be? That won’t come back unless he changes and you can’t make him change. This is the ‘new’ relationship.

I would take the advice people have given you here and start making a real plan to prepare for him leaving and make sure you have a way to get what you need financially from him for the house and the kids.

I hope it goes well, please let us all know how you get on. In a few months time hopefully you’ll be in a much happier calmer place to start enjoying life again with your children ❤

Leave.

It's short advice but the majority of people will continue with their addiction.
You risk wasting your life waiting for him to change.
The promises to get help is just going through the motions to keep you from raising it, so that he can continue to drink.

Your life is worth more than being spent with someone who values drinking over you.

Thats the long and the short of it, im sorry.

I think this is true.
My father was an alcoholic and I remember basically putting him into bed as he was so drunk when my mum was away or working late. He would just take that [my mum being away] as an excuse to drink.
I have never been able to keep a stable relationship, I just cannot seem to pick decent men and I cannot cope with relationships now. I definitely cannot cope with being around drunk people. The love of my life (when I was younger) was also an alcoholic.
I do remember saying to my dad that if he wanted to stay alive to see any grandchildren he needed to stop drinking. He did stop drinking at some point, he doesn’t touch a drop now, but his health is so damaged and I think it was ultimately health reasons why he stopped. He has however lived long enough to see his granddaughter be at the university he attended and develop his own new interests.
I don’t know how old he was when he stopped drinking, I didn’t go home very much by then. I still don’t visit my parents very much. I went through phases of not visiting them at all.
There is no advice for you in this post, I am sorry.

His drinking and mood swings will definitely be affecting your children. Yo be honest you'd be unreasonable to stay. Your children are dependent on you, your husband is an adult and should sort himself out. If he ever does give up you might be able to rebuild something from there, but you need to realise that in all likelihood he is going to be an alcoholic for the rest of his life. Do you really want to be dealing with this for the rest of your life? You can't save him, you can only save yourself and your kids.

@MissisK I don't think you should be threatening to take yourself and the 2 children out of your house. I think you should be telling him that he either needs to stop drinking or he leaves until he's got this under control. He must know he's setting a really bad example to the children

Alcohol changes the brain and changes people as a person. Thats a big reason I stopped. I felt I was changing personality wise and not liking the person I was becoming

Totally agree with this!

My father was an alcoholic, I was young but can remember his nastiness to my mum, the shouting, the swearing, he committed suicide when I was tiny. My brother witnessed a lot more but has turned into my father, he drinks to oblivion, at one point was sleeping rough,p, has tried to kill himself,even 4weeks in ICU and years of rehabilitation hasn’t stopped him. His grown up children no longer speak to him or their mum as she enables him and priorities him over their children, their house is a hovel.

my mum is so sad as she wanted better for her children and grandchildren.

living with an alcoholic, ruins everyone’s lives! They are selfish, manipulative and play the victim constantly.

please if you can’t do it for yourself, then leave for the sake of your children.

Look up the research of children who grow up with an alcoholic parent and their outcomes in life. You could life separately and not split, you could split and still be a friend to him, what are your options? Living on eggshells and living with an alcoholic is damaging to kids. Maybe a family meeting to discuss options?

It's not your responsibility to fix him.

It is your responsibility to give your children the most happy and stable childhood that you can.

This is the same realisation my mother in law had, after being with him for 30 years. She said the same, that she knew no matter how long he was sober for she just wouldn't ever be able to trust him again and she would always be wondering when he would relapse

She finally left him last year and is the happiest she's ever been, whilst he is still drinking himself to death

My DH drinks a bottle of wine a night and has for many, many years.
A couple of years ago I said we were over, he said he’d stop, it lasted 5 nights.
Recently he said he’d only drink at weekends, guess what, it lasted a week.
You will never win OP, he will choose alcohol every time.

Everyone has a different limit. The thing is that alcoholics lie. Repeatedly. They will tell you alcohol is not more important than your relationship but it is, and the lying is corrosive. Think about how you want you and your children to be treated. Alcoholics have dependency issues and they create it in others too which can make these decisions so hard. But the number one thing is when you have some contempt for what they are doing. Then it's finished in reality. Leaving before that point is probably better for you.

You didn’t cause it
You control it
you can’t cure it

He will only stop when he wants to and / or reaches rock bottom and I won’t depress you by describing how low that can be.
Join Al-Anon for support.
Basically you have to decide whether you still want to live with him or not. threatening to leave probably won’t bring about any change in his behaviour.

When Ex and I were together he made noises about wanting go stop, then he'd drink, I'd get on at him for it affecting him pulling his weight with the house, how I don't want our son to grow up thinking it's normal etc. He would yell and say I'm the reason he drinks, why do I think he drinks, he's always on edge around me (ha, the irony), he's depressed, he can't cope, every one has a vice whether it's drink, drugs, food etc and this is his lot in life.

We split up and he moved back in with his dad and I moved in with my family and it didn't take long at all for his dad to notice and get on at him either.

He did stop drinking then for about a year. I did have my suspicions, but I thought whatever, I can see a massive improvement in his life, let's resume regular contact for our child.

Then we were both at someone's birthday party and he was throwing back pint after pint. I didn't address it but he came to me and said its a birthday party he's got a lid on it.

We're still separated now, and he's begging me to save his money each month so he doesn't go to the shop at the end of the street and spend it all on booze. I'm not his keeper so I've said no, he needs to find another way to sort it out himself, but he's begging for help.

I forgot to add, we did also go to the alcohol services when we were together. He was offered the medical route where they give you these pills that make you feel dreadful as soon as you drink, but they said that the crux of it is that if someone with alcoholism wants to drink they're not going to take these pills. He was also shown around this building where they do weekly support groups, you grab some food or take turns bringing stuff in, every one seemed friendly, it wasn't religiously motivated, and they had a lot of success stories.

He turned both down because he doesn't feel comfortable round people, we didn't have money for him to travel each week (cos he was drinking us out of house and home) and he's too forgetful to take a vitamin every day so he'd forget his medication.

Leaving was the best thing I did.

You can only feel guilty or bad if you let someone make you feel that way. You should put boundaries in place to protect you from them.

@MissisK I'm glad it's helping!

please remember, even if he does say he will get help / seeks help, this doesn't mean

a) he will be able to remain sober
b) you will trust him again
c) your relationship will recover

and even if he does stop drinking, he will ALWAYS be an addict. He will just be an addict who is currently dry. I'm not trying to slate addicts, or paint a gloomy picture. Just saying something that took me several miserable years to learn.

also people talk a lot about rock bottom- "oh once they reach rock bottom the only way is up."

this isn't true. Some addicts reach rock bottom then stay there until they turn yellow and die at a young age, discovering additional depths of 'rock bottom' as they go and destroying every relationship around them.

good luck and honestly, your life will be so much better and your kids will be so much better off.

As the daughter of an alcoholic father, my advice is to leave. Living with an alcoholic is awful and affects every part of your life. It's affected my relationships and how I value myself. My mum pleaded and cajoled for years and it made no difference. The only reason why my dad stopped was when he had a stroke at age of 61 and he couldn't do it anymore. Your DH has to want to stop and take responsibility for his recovery without this, you're fighting a losing battle. Go.

I agree with everyone else. You have to protect yourself and your children.

You can't think that you can love him enough that he will stop drinking. It doesn't work like that. He has to love himself enough to stop drinking.

I think you need to talk really honestly to your children as well. They will notice everything. They will worry about him being left alone and one of them might even think they need to stay with him to protect him. I think you need to ask advice from Al-Anon at that point.

Sorry OP but I would not bring my kids up around an alcoholic.

Apart from the obvious studies they are learning unhealthy relationship dynamics by staying. Walking on eggshells around someone is no way to live.

You worry about him getting depressed, he doesn't worry about the fact that you are sad and worried and that his behaviour is so hard to live with. Ultimately I think you have to put your children's welfare first and make firm plans to leave.

It’s not an illness. He’s choosing alcohol above all else. He’d stop if he wanted to. The simple fact is, he doesn’t want to. End it.